A Honky in Ghana | Mental Poo

Thursday, May 14, 2009

A Honky in Ghana

Blinding white...like the snow.

Let me explain.

My 8 year old daughter has been preparing for a school performance.

It was called:

African Dance

Preparing your child to take part in 'African Dance' entails the following:

1) Buying some really really OMG I'M BLIND!! bright fucking cloth

2) Cutting and somehow stitching said retina burning cloth into something resembling an African outfit that actually fits your kid

3) Listening to your child continually practice such timeless classics as:

a) "Ooonga da Boonga"
b) "Nik Nuk Be Eating My Flies"

c) "Mona luckahiki means hockey"

See #3?

The singing thing?

I heard those goddamn songs 24 x 7, my friends.

24. 7.

It was fucking magical.

Magical as in 'God please strike me deaf'...

...and not the 'how the Hell did David Copperfield manage to bang Claudia Schiffer?!?!' magical.

So, my wife went out and spent $20 on cloth that would hurt Ray Charles' eyes.

I have no idea how many gay men's wardrobes died to create colors this bright, but I'm sure it was a fucking slaughter.

Since neither my wife or I can sew...

(the closest thing I have to 'working with needles' is my constant masturbation)

...my daughter's outfit was a conglomeration of spit, Velcro, duct tape and staples.

(just thinking now that I should probably add the doctor's co-pay for removing the staples from her hips into the cost of the outfit)

Practiced and outfitted, we headed off to the school assembly.

Four third and fourth grade classes all sang and played the same songs.


Like I said:


About halfway through, my mother in law looked over and said:

"Hey. There's not one black person here."

I look up.

No shit.

At the African Dance Assembly...

...the number of kids who may actually be of some type of African descent equaled zero.



See. Of. White.

Welcome to New Hampshire.

In fact, even the two broads who taught all the kids this shit were two white lesbian chicks from Maine.

Teacher: "We should get some authentic African dance instructors to teach the children."

Principal: "I know two white dykes in Maine that should fit the bill nicely!"

What. The fuck.

And not the good type of lesbians.

The wrinkly, hippie, Maine-looking type of lesbians.

"Maine Lesbians: Hand carving our own dildos out of pine since 1962."


Two ugly old white wrinkly lesbians with unshaven pits using hand carved pine Mr. Wigglies and doing tribal screams.

I'd rather listen to that goddamn singing again than picture that.


Maybe not.


Christina_the_wench said...

We have a multicultural fair every year at the college I slave for. And we are subject to the same hideous music. Try tribal music THEN Indian music THEN add some line dancing to the mix.

That reminds me. I need more JD for my frig.

Anonymous said...

I hold a mutli-cultural fair in home every night. I listen to Bob, smoke some reefer, then climb into bed with my wife (who is black).

Christina_the_wench said...

freetheunicorns is my idol now.

Diva's Thoughts said...

OMG!!! This is hee-larry-us!! LOL I love this post.

Kellie said...

Ow ow ow!!! Va-jay-jay splinters!!! Va-jay-jay splinters!!! No freaking way!

Mike said...

You need to have the white kids do white kid stuff.

Like, I dunno.

Wear khaki's and complain about stuff that other kids don't have, like food and video games.

Just saying.

Kelly Ann said...

I'd rather enjoy watching a bunch of whities pretending to be african. Sounds like great entertainment!

Deb said...

OMG, the Maine lesbian thing is perfect! I live in coastal Maine. The handyman that was putting a new roof on my garage is a Maine-ah through and through. He told me he had to price a job "for a couple a faaaaaireees". I hadn't heard the term "fairy" since elementary school in the early '70s! He went on and on about all the faaaaireeees he's worked for over the years then told me "I got a couple giiirl friend fairies livin' nex do-ah to me." That's the closest I came to peeing my pants in a long time, but he never cracked a smile.

rachaelgking said...

"Maine Lesbians: Hand carving our own dildos out of pine since 1962."

Don't poacher my dreams! *Goes back to carving*

Chris said...

Okay, first of all, Mona Wakaliki Means Hockey is Hawaiian, not African.

Lesbian, Lebanon, close enough. Wait, is Lebanon in Africa? No, it's the Middle East.

Like I said, close enough.

fiona said...

I feel your pain darlin...
I'm putting my kids on ebay, just a suggestion...

FawkesFire said...

my Lord. I think I peed my pants just a tiny bit from laughing so hard. this has to be one of your best blogs ever.

Moooooog35 said...

Christina: Why? For $25 you could crawl into bed with his wife, too.

He may not have known this yet.

Sorry, dude.

Tee: Your low standards for humor continue to impress me.

Kellie: They SAND them first...geez...it's not like they're amateurs at this.

Mike: I have to buy my kids khakis?!?!

Lday: Yes...it's basically like watching an all-white wedding try to dance to Eminem.

Deb: You have fairies in Maine?

No wonder mjenks hasn't moved yet.

Tinkerbell is smoking.

Lilu: I had no idea you could carve Sequoia.

Chris: Wayne Gretzky is Hawaiian?!

Fiona: If you put a 'buy it now' price, the kids will sell much quicker.

Don't ask me how I know that.

Fawkes: There's a lesbian in Maine who wants your piddle panties now.

Moooooog35 said...

Malach: lalalalalalala the B's game didn't happen lalalalala I'm avoiding talking about it lalalalalala

DouglasDyer said...

Pine dildos is GENIUS! It's like having a taxi air freshener down there. Yum-ee!

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

God, I want to attend Burning Man!

GeologyJoe said...

living in Maine and working in Portland I can take a pretty good guess and say that the teachers were probably wearing Petruili oil to boot.

kathcom said...

Your post had me pondering race relations, school curricula, lesbian aging, lots of big issues.

But it all came to a screeching halt as I thought, "Wait, is that homeless person wearing a Snuggie???"

Now, I'm back to drooling and soiling myself. Way to go.

Sass said...

I'm thinking pine is too soft.

It'd need to be solid oak.

From the petrified forest.

Just sayin'.

Sass said...

That comment right there? The one above this one?

It's from me.

That's my alter ego.

I wasn't smart enough to name my alter ego something different.

I'm a mental giant.

Bon Don said...

I'm sorry I couldn't finish reading, my eyes are still on shock from those colors!! :)

Olly said...

If the kids practising their singing isn't bad enough, just wait until they are a little older and bring home band instruments. The neighbours will start taking shots at your house....

Chelle Blögger said...

You and your homophobia. Someday there will be a vaccine for that and I hope they use a big needle.

PS. You seem fond of pretty lesbians, though. Hypocrite!!

Ann Imig said...

Great title. Funny post. My personal favorite is the "Jumbo Bwana" track off of Putamayo Kids African World Music.

That could double as a toy for the ladies...

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Well, I haven't managed to laugh yet today because I'm sick. But you, sir, have succeeded. Thank you.

Coffeypot said...

Makes one wonder if a totally black school would put on a production of GREESE.

FreeOscar said...

Magicians are hot. They know how to use their wands.

Moooooog35 said...

Douglas: Why am I not surprised that you like the smell of wood?

Becky: Yes. What?

Geo: What does this have to do with fuel prices? You people lose me.

Kathcom: It's probably the snuggie we got. It's like wearing a dead bear.

Sass and Sass Jr.: It's like Freaky Friday but without any of the characters, plot or similarities, really.

BonDon: Shock and awe, baby...shock and awe.

Olly: My mother in law has already bestowed upon them guitars.

That's a real fucking treat, let me tell you.

OB: As long as it doesn't have a moustache, I'm fine with it. Or penis.

Yep. Hypocrite.

Tough shit. It's how I roll.

Ann's Rants: Jumbo Bwana? You're right...sounds like the top-o-the-line toy.

How's it working for ya?

Mary: You're welcome.

Wipe your nose. It's disgusting.

Coffee: I was thinking more along the lines of 'Holocaust.'

C.Rag: YOU LIVE?!?!?

meleah rebeccah said...

I cant even stop laughing at this sentence:

"It was fucking magical.

Magical as in 'God please strike me deaf'...

...and not the 'how the Hell did David Copperfield manage to bang Claudia Schiffer?!?!' magical."


*heads back to read the rest of this post*

Me said...

Your photo captions and random taglines are going to make me pee my pants one day. I'm doing kegels for this.

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