"YAY, Daddy! Look! The lawn grubs are back!"
* num num num
Fucking ay.
Third week in fucking May and my lawn looks like dog shit already.
Awesome.
Thus begins Spring in New England.
How do we recognize the coming of spring in New England?
1) It's the time when the birds return from their winter jaunt to the land of the heat and elderly.
I know they're back because there's 400 of the little fuckers sitting in the pine tree next to my bedroom window fucking chirping their little shitty fucking bird heads off at 4 in the morning.
Nature is stupid.
2) It's the time when the five feet of fucking snow melts and I can actually take my fucking Christmas lights down unlike my goddamn neighbor, Jeff, who keeps them up all fucking year SERIOUSLY JEFF TAKE THE FUCKING LIGHTS DOWN YOU'RE DRIVING DOWN MY HOME'S RESALE VALUE YOU GODDAMN LAZY PRICK.
Ahem.
3) It's the time when women drive really really badly.
Oh. Sorry.
That last one is pretty much a year round thing everywhere.
You know it's true. Don't give me that shit.
Spring in New England...
4) It's the time when you can hear the crackle of the motorcycle exhausts as soon as the temperature peaks above 40 degrees.
Me: "G..g..ggett...yourrr...rrr...mmmmmm...mmootooorr...rrunnn...runninn....FUCKING DAFFY DUCKSHIT I'M COLD!"
It takes me 45 minutes after my morning motorcycle commute to find my balls.
That's 1 minute more than usual.
Stupid miniature scrotum.
5) The dog shit in my back yard is no longer frozen in snow and is now the consistency of some type of hairy stink shit-pudding
Mmmm.
Smooshy thawed 5 month old defrosted dog shit.
And...why is it hairy? Who has hairy poo?
That's a fucking blast to try to pick up off the lawn, by the way.
I'd have an easier time trying to not throw up at a Sarah Jessica Parker meet-n-greet.
6) Girls show up outside in shorts and skirts!
Unfortunately, for some reason girls are now completely happy being giant fat pieces of shit with bellybuttons that show through their shirts.
Now, instead of me lying about shit like:
"No, honey...I didn't see her giant boobs hanging out of her tube top."
I have to say shit like:
"ORCA!!"
For all you goddamn feminists and anti-Barbie broads who are all, like:
"Just be happy with who you are"
..and..
"You don't have to be perfect to be pretty"
..screw you.
You're ruining my fucking spring.
7) It's time for the kids to play sports
Sports.
Thus marks the end of any and all free time for the wife and I.
Monday: karate class for Cam
Tuesday: Cam's Tee-ball practice at 6 pm.
Wednesday: Payton's soccer practice at 6 pm.
Thursday: Payton's dance class at 6 pm.
Friday: kid's karate sparring class at 6:30 pm.
Saturday: Cam's Tee-ball game at 8:30 a.m.
8 fucking 30 A-fucking-M.
Jesus H. Christ.
Sunday: Payton's soccer game at noon.
* rinse and repeat
Based on this schedule, I should be able to shower and/or shit sometime around June 1st.
That's gonna be one big poop.
On the bright side, I get to open my pool in the spring.
It's just going to be a bitch dodging the defrosted dog's hairy stink shit-pudding to get to it.
Spring in New England.
Sucks my frozen miniature balls.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Spring Things and Loud Chirping Asshat Birds
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21 comments:
I was wondering why I haven't shit in 6 days! Now I finally put it together and realized that it's Spring's fault. Damn Spring.
The emergence of shorts/skirts/tank tops is one of the things I look forward to the most down here. Unfortunately, UNC and Duke have let out for the summer term, and so I have even less incentive to go grocery shopping now.
Poor baby,it sounds like you got stuck being a responsible adult. Don't it suck growing up?
OK, to be fair, I saw a dude with no shirt on the other day mowing his lawn and about puked. Keep that shit covered up, balloon belly. No woman finds that attractive unless she is blind or mentally upstable.
I'm sensing a wee bit of bitterness here. just a tiny bit.
about the birds. yeah...I have sympathy. We have what seems to be 200 pairs of nesting birds in our tree directly next to my window. I'm thinking about letting my cat loose to thin the flock a bit.
You know you love Springtime - you love watching everyone dodge the defrosted dog's hairy stink shit-pudding...waiting for some orca to slip in it..orca covered in poo...you know you are waiting for it...
See, I love spring in New England. My back yard is like a forest, the grass is so high we aren't letting my nephew out to play in the yard until the landlord comes to mow it. But what I love the most about spring is the smell of dirt in the air. It's way better than the smell of snow.
Roll on winter!
Susan: Really?
You gotta go there?
Mjenks: What? No broads holding melons?
ettarose: It does suck. I don't like it.
I'm totally throwing a fucking tantrum now.
Christina: Blind and mentally unstable is probably what the guy was shooting for.
Cut him some slack...at least he's trying.
Fawkes: I think harsh chemicals work better than cats.
I'm not allowed to drink our water anymore.
Free: You need to make that saying into a shirt. I'll take 20% of the cut.
LiLu: It's on the new dollar menu at McD's.
Phillipia: You read me like an open book.
In this case, the book is a Penthouse.
You should see some of these pictures.
Jaime: I'm partial to snow.
Primarily because I can cover my dog's shit with it.
Tiggy: Roll it on where? Is it a new scent of deodorant?
Matthew Broderick isn't blind OR fucking insane...
He's gay.
(she makes me hurl too, moog)
hey, we have the same schedule.
That pretty much sounds like spring in MN. Thank goodness I don't have kids b/c I like my free time way to much to put up w/ all those shitty sports.
Amen to #3 sir, Amen.
Awww...sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays!
You forgot number 8!!
Mooooooooooooooooooog's mood dramatically improves and he becomes as giddy as a schoolgirl with no panties on in a New England wind storm.:)
Lily: I always thought SJP was a guy.
Thanks for confirming.
Stacie: Awesome. Can you take my girl to soccer practice on Wednesday?
Thanks in advance.
Coffee: Fran Drescher was not available for comment.
Kellie: You'll make a great mom.
Mike: Yes...and a hallelujah!
Wait...what?
VE: Actually...I think I wrote this on a Thursday, so suck it.
The more you know.
And yeah it was 45 degrees, that ain't spring
Ugh. The birds drive me CRAZY so early in the morning like that.
And SJP is looking worse and worse these days. YIKES!
Malach: No shit. FROST this morning.
FROST!!!
Someone needs to hunt down and kill mother nature.
And then JJ Abrams...seriously...the guy is losing it.
Meleah: Is it really possible that she looks worse?
I think not.
Don't wait til June 1st, just stock up on Depends and enjoy these blessed Spring activities without worry.
I'm so tired just reading your week!
If those are really Sarah's arms that just gross and scary. ew
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