The Shit I Learn - Marriage Edition | Mental Poo

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Shit I Learn - Marriage Edition


It's once again another entry in the "Shit I Learn" series.

Check out these other "Shit I Learn" classics!

Kid Vomiting Edition


Broken Hand Edition

Karate Edition

Collect them all! Amaze your friends! Be more sexy!

You know, you figure that if I'd learned so much...

...I'd have a better job than "Transgender Prostitute to the Stars."

Catchy name, though.

Keannu Reeves is much shorter in person.

Keep that on the down low.

Today's episode:

The Shit I Learn: Marriage Edition

(just in case the giant fucking title at the top didn't give it away)

This is where I try to educate the masses (my 4 readers) on the stuff I've learned through my vast experiences.

When I say, "vast" I mean "not many."

I hated English class.


Here goes...the Shit I Learn: Marriage Edition:

1) NEVER EVER EVER Under Any Circumstance is a Coffee Maker EVER a Good Gift for your Wife. EVER.

What?

We needed a coffee maker.

It wasn't all bad. I think I got her a card to go with it.

I sometimes still pay for this.

Me: "Hey...wanna...wanna go upstairs?"

* sexyfied wink

Wife: "Excuse me? You're kidding, right? You bought me a fucking coffee maker."

Me: "THREE YEARS AGO!"


Guys, if a woman ever says:

Wife: "Honey, for my birthday, PLEASE buy me a coffee maker. If you don't buy me a coffee maker I will never have sex with you ever again."

TRAP.

You've been warned.

2) Get a comfy couch


This is especially important if, for some reason, you ignored my advice and got her a fucking coffee maker for her birthday.

Jackass.

Told ya.


Just get a comfy couch.

At some point you WILL end up sleeping on the goddamn thing.

Whether it's because of a fight...

(seriously...all I wanted to know is if she wanted pizza or Chinese food and somehow I'm on the fucking sofa now!? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?)

..or because you snore...

(I have two-inch deep footprints permanently implanted in my lower back because of this)

...you'll find yourself on the couch watching Cinemax porn and whacking off at 3 in the morning.

I mean...um...

...sleeping.

You'll be sleeping on the couch.


One more thing, guys:

When couch shopping, DON'T give in and get the fucking down throw pillows with the couch.

My kids' favorite pastime is pulling out all the fucking feathers sticking out of the goddamn pillows.

I should probably get them into sports or some shit.


3) The Longer You're Married, the Less You Can Get Away with Looking at Other Boobs

Once upon a time, my wife and I would be walking through the mall when...

...you'd hear them...

GADOOSH

GADOOSH

GADOOSH

Heading right at you...

Giant boobies.


Back in the day, I'd do the whole "I'm looking at the ceiling" bullshit that guys sometimes have to do.

Wife: "Did you see those?"

Me: "Huh? No...What? I was admiring the Roman inspired ceiling architecture."

Wife: "Well, you just missed out on a huge set of boobies."

Me: "DADGUMMIT! That just burns my britches!"

Back then I idolized Wilford Brimley.


Nowadays, though...it's like this:

GADOOSH

GADOOSH

GADOOSH

And there I stand.

With unblinking giant googly eyes.

Wife: "That's nice. I can't believe you. You're really fucking unbelievable."

Ugh.

Couch, guys.

Get a comfy couch.

You're welcome.

24 comments:

Allanah said...

Ooh apparently Jesus was supposed to be coming back on my 3rd birthday! Huzzah.

Also, I agree with the feather pillows comment, not only are they fucking annoying and omg would the feathers please STOP coming out but they're they most uncomfortable pillows to sleep on as well.

Christina_the_wench said...

I wanna hear from Mrs. Moooog. Now THAT'D be some good shit right there.

Mike said...

If boobs make the gadoosh sound the doctor overinflated the implants.

Just saying.

Susan said...

You totally need to write a "marriage advice" book. You could save many people from going through divorce.

And now I know why my husband insisted on the couch we have.

Blonde Goddess said...

Why do women punish themselves by withholding sex?
ARE THEY INSANE?

justjp said...

LOl! Dude, the guy on the couch, I have been there. If only I had a fan for the boys, pad Thai and some beer. Would have made my stay more comfortable.

Lauren said...

Once again, an image of Wilford Brimley has inspired me to leave a comment. Maybe one of these days it will actually be the blog. I keed, I keed. Your blogs are in inspiration for life itself.

moooooog35 said...

Allanah: 3rd birthday?!? Jesus H. Christ...I should start carding people at the door.

Christina: I will totally let her respond once she's done hitting me for this post.

Mike: Overinflated the implants?

No such thing.

Susan: Shortest book ever.

*****
Title: Moog's Marriage Advice

Page 1:

DON'T.
*****

Kidding honey. Totally kidding.

Comic effect, you know.

I'm totally getting my ass kicked.

BG: Funny. Most women say sex with me IS punishment.

justjp: The more you know.

Lauren: Wilford Brimley is the tie that binds, isn't he?

We may have issues.

DouglasDyer said...

THEN DON'T FUCKING ASK FOR A COFFEE MAKER!!! Whoa, that one's been pent up for a while. IT'S JUST CHINESE FOOD NOT THE GODDAMN WORLD TRADE CENTER!!! OK, OK, I need to take a breath here. I had no idea there was so much I DON'T SNORE ON PURPOSE, I HAVE APNEA!!!

Becky..AMHW said...

Be more sexy?

I have to assert that you cannot get more sexy than I am. It's not my boobs either. That's why I don't care if he looks at lots of other boobs. My sexy cannot be compared.

My husband bought me a coffee maker last Christmas. I really like it.

coffeypot said...

I got my first wife a weed-whacker for her birthday. That's how I got circumcised.

LiLu said...

I'm totally asking B if my boobs make the "GADOOSH" sound tonight.

Me-Me King said...

Oh, man! This is fucking hilarious!

Now I feel bad for the the shit I gave one of my husbands for the metal detector he gave me for Christmas.



I sold it on Craig's List.

rs27 said...

A coffeemaker shaped couch would be the greatest.

FreakSmack said...

Eight years ago I go to the mall with my wife and my buddy. We are walking minding our own business when gagoonga gagoonga gagoonga. Now I know what's coming, and I know better, but my buddy say's "hey look at those", I say what and look. So does the wife. The next hour at the mall goes fine, the ride home goes fine. Then said "buddy" leaves, and I spend the rest of my life being berated. Damn Buddies

p.s. I've got my own couch in my man room (the garage). Greatest investment I ever made.

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, I did not know you were married to Kate Gosselin?

nipsy said...

Ummm, the man says if I'm ever drunk enough to get married..or wait, maybe that was if I get him drunk enough to get married..or do we both have to be drunk??

Either way, there better be a damned good coffee maker in our house!!


Oh, and I gotta agree with Mrs. Moog on the boob thing.. Like I tell the man... If he thinks those boobs can rock him better... go get em tiger..lol

fiona said...

I put the "gad" in Gadoosh.
I'm also responsible for the "oosh" but only on really warm days when I'm running around bra-less.
I'll send you the bill. ;0)

moooooog35 said...

Doug: Ah...so...you're married, then? Cuz you got that down PAT.

Becky: You should really do something about your lack of confidence.

Coffee: You had it easy...I got circumscised when I presented her with a 3-hole punch.

Lilu: Don't forget to set up the camera!

Me-me: A metal detector is not a good gift?

* looking for receipt now...

rs27: Or a couch that dispensed coffee. Kinda defeats the purpose, though.

FreakSmack: That's why I have no friends.

Well..not really.

What are you doing this weekend?

Malach: I'm not married to her.

I'm just hittin' it.

Apparently, so is everyone else.

Nipsy: Welcome to the comment club!

That will be $5.

Exactly my point on the coffeemaker. I mean, you can't complain about it and then not be happy when you get one as your birthday present, right?

RIGHT?!

Fiona: What happens on cold days without a bra? Do they go 'clink?'

LBluca77 said...

I have never made a guy sleep on the couch before but sadly enough i have been told to sleep on the couch. It really sucked cause we didn't even live together.

FawkesFire said...

I suggest the Breath Right strips if you snore.

The Coffee maker isnt a bad present...if you know how to sell the idea. example:
"Oh sweetie, I got this so I could make you breakfast in bed, with hot coffee!" try that.....

as for the sleeping on the couch...I'm sorry. That's gotta suck. perhaps invest in a fold out couch with the bed built in?

Crazy K said...

I agree with you on the coffee maker...NEVER a good gift and us beeyotches like to hold grudges. I personally am still using something from over 3 years ago when I need some ammo ;-)

I disagree on the whole staring at boobs. Married 6 years and when he stops staring I will worry. And sometimes it's a team sport.

meleah rebeccah said...

Um. But, I WOULD actually love a new coffee maker! There must be something wrong with me.

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

Gadoosh, gadoosh, gadoosh. Hilarious.

Thanks for the advice!

Related Posts with Thumbnails