Mr. Squishy and the Tauntress | Mental Poo

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Mr. Squishy and the Tauntress

Before I start today...

Got a new movie review of "Night at the Museum 2 - Battle of the Smithsonian" over on Moog's Movie Reviews.

Amy Adams: You haunt my dreams.

Ben Stiller: Seriously, dude. Stop making movies.

Carry on!!

***************

Mr. Squishy and the Tauntress

Alternate title to this:

My Wife, She Taunts Me - Part 2

Yeah...part TWO.

You can find Part One right here.

(points at crotch)

If you follow this blog, you know that I have to go to physical therapy for my stupid fucking broken hand.

That's my pet name for him: "stupid fucking broken hand."

(the masturbation is SO much better when he's angry)



It is here, in physical therapy, that I was given the greatest gift of all:

Bob.

But we're not here today to talk about Bob.

Today, we talk about Mr. Squishy.

* zziiiiipp

Woops.

Wrong Mr. Squishy.

About three weeks into my therapy, my therapist looked at me and said:

Therapist: "Well...you're coming along quite nicely."

Me: "Shut up and swallow already."

Then I got a new therapist.

Some guys have no sense of humor.


My new therapist looked at me and said:

Therapist: "You're just about ready for your own putty."

* GASP

A tear rolled down my cheek.

Just like that Indian guy in that old commercial when people were throwing trash and shit all over the site of his new casino.


My...my own...my own putty...?

OH! JOY!

My own putty.

You see...not only do I have to roll Bob around in my hands all day...

(just like Elizabeth Dole)

...but I now have to squish this fucking putty in my hands in the morning and at night.

So, yeah...now Bob has a new friend.

Introducing....

Mr. Squishy!


So that's Mr. Squishy.

Unfortunately for my wife, this has resulted in a lot of this going on in the house lately:

Me: "Hey...have you seen Mr. Squishy?"

Wife: "No."

Me: "You wanna?"

...or...

Me: "You want to touch my Mr. Squishy?"

Wife: "No. Not at all."

Me: "Yes you do. You want to touch him."

Wife: "GO. AWAY."

Me: "Touch my Mr. Squishy. TOUCH HIM!"

On a related note, these conversations happened pretty much every Saturday night even before I got the goddamn putty.

I cry sometimes.


So, of course, at one point...we were laying in bed.

My Mr. Squishy by my side.

This is when I decided to roll him into the shape of a penis.

Listen...

In my defense, you can't put squishy gooey putty in a man's hand and not expect him to do weird shit with it.

It's in the instruction booklet...page 42.

So, I hold up the Mr. Squishy penis to my wife.

Me: "Hey baby...want to touch my Mr. Squishy?"

Unfortunately, therapy putty has all the consistency of wet bread dough.

So, this is what Mr. Squishy looked like as I held it out to my wife:


She looked at it.

She poked it.

Then she spoke:

Wife: "It's too big."

* pause

She picked the gooey Mr. Squishy penis head up and it plopped back down.

Wife: "It's about the right consistency, though."

Then she started laughing.

* sigh

Me: "You're awesome."

Then I cried myself to sleep.

Well...

She IS awesome.

But thanks anyway for rubbing that shit right the fuck in, hon.

Bob wouldn't treat me that way.

27 comments:

Mike said...

Does your wife have a sister?

Just saying.

Blonde Goddess said...

Mr.Squishy looks like a melted penis.
I mean...LOOK AT IT!

(I KNEW you were going to make it into a penis before I had even scrolled down that far! We ARE twins!)

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

It's time your wife learned to stand on her head so that you can dip it in her.

moooooog35 said...

Mike: She has a brother who's married in Florida.

I'll see if he's interested, but I don't think he swings that way.

BG: You're a short balding guy?

Mjenks: Why would I want to ruin my therapy putty? You're making no sense, man.

LiLu said...

Ew. Melted peen.

Whoops, there's my lunch again.

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

my daughter uses thera-putty. i will never - ever - look at it the same. i may take it away from her. fuck her fine motor skills!

meleah rebeccah said...

You're wife is almost as funny as you are. But, a melted Mr. Squishy cant be good for anyone!

wc#3 said...

Elizabeth DOLE? You're getting your sexual instruction from ELIZABETH DOLE???? Dude, that woman used to be my boss, and she was old then, back in 1982!!!!

By the way, Amy Adams haunts my dreams too!!

justjp said...

"It's in the instruction booklet...page 42"

And on page 43, helpful hint on where to hide the Mr. Squishy shaped peen for all to enjoy. (please see the how to scare wife section of the hand book.)

DouglasDyer said...

Oh no she did NOT! Were there no slugs for her to pour salt on? No sea gulls to feed explosive pieces of alka seltzer? Rally round men, when one penis gets mocked, they all get mocked!

moooooog35 said...

Lilu: Peen? Wow...this gives a whole new perspective to my 'ball peen' hammer.

Now I don't even want to use it.

Claire: Remind me not to use you as a doctor.

Meleah: Totally making that into a shirt. Thanks for the idea...I'll make dollar!

wc#3: Elizabeth Dole is my boss, too...she haunts my dreams right next to Amy.

justjp: Another 'peen?' Seriously...am I that old not to know that?

Douglas: I'd blow the trumpet to start the rally but I fear she will hear.

Shhh..

You rock, dude. Rock.

Kellie said...

Your wife is pure comedy. Also, I could have sworn you were writing about my husband and me. That conversation happens in my house all the time. Minus the eretile dysfunction part b/c he doesn't have a problem in that department unless it is a problem that his peen is always ready for action.

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

Hilarious stuff, there, Mr. Poo. Good thing Bob is non-judgmental.

coffeypot said...

Women and their size thing. On my honeymoon my wife said, "Give me 12" and make it hurt." So I screwed her twice and hit her in the head with a shoe.

You should get even with her by baking a vagina out of it and put several dead flies around it. What have you lost? Your not getting any anyways.

Winky Twinky said...

I have a different version of Mr. Squishy... LMAO @ coffee pot!!!

Malach the Merciless said...

I would smack her upside the head with 9" of limp Mr. Squishy.

FawkesFire said...

how did I know that once you got your hands on anything that could be formed into any shape you wished....it'd be a penis. Then again, I expect nothing less from you...anything else and I would have been very disappointed in you. ah well....at least it wasn't the pink/ flesh colored putty I got after I broke my fingers....not fun. on a related note: Playing street hockey clumsy guys five times my own weight is a bad idea. anyhow...hope your hand feels better.

moooooog35 said...

Kellie: Thanks for rubbing the ED shit right in.

Give your hubby a few years. You'll need popsicle sticks to prop it up.

Chris: Mr. Poo?

Coffee: Sounds like you just made yourself an arts-n-crafts project for Sunday!

Winky: Let me guess...your version takes 4 size D batteries.

Malach: Your wife is a lucky lady.

Fawkes: You got flesh colored putty?!?!

Holy shit...the fun I would have.

Endless.

FawkesFire said...

make a request for a different colored putty. :)

Malicious Intent said...

Mr. Squishy made me nervous. I wee'd myself.

Rachel said...

LOL. Wow. I pretty much laughed the whole way through this.

Somehow, I'm kind of intimidated by Mr. Squishy.

Susan said...

I love your wife.

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

Congratulations! This post has been named the "Post of the Week" at Maugeritaville. Yes, this is the epitome of "a dubious honor". At any rate, I've linked it on my site as this was truly hilarious. Again, congrats!

Kristi said...

I'm sure someone's already said this...but...you just look so 'natural' holding Mr. Squishy.

Just sayin'.

And, no, I'm not dead yet, you sexy beast.

(blows kisses and they float along on an easterly breeze)

Kristi said...

P.S....I totally need to get a picture up on here....

Moooog? In the meantime, will you just sing my praises?

Thanks....I knew I could count on you. You rock.

I mean that.

moooooog35 said...

Fawkes: Last time I checked, rehab didn't do requests.

Hard to do the chicken dance without the use of your legs.

MI: Why did he make you nervous? Did he threaten you?

Rachel: Mr. Squishy can be very imposing, yes.

Until, you know...he goes squishy.

Susan: I don't thing she'll swing that way (I can ask), but thanks!

Chris: Thanks for my doobie brothers honor. Much appreciated.

Send money.

Kristi: I have no problems singing your praises...

Who are you again?

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Holy crap! I think your wife and I would really get along. Do you guys live near me????

Related Posts with Thumbnails