Thera-y. Where's the P? It's Running Down My Leg!! What? | Mental Poo

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Thera-y. Where's the P? It's Running Down My Leg!! What?

Twice a week, I pay a woman $15 for a 45-minute session.

Bang, meet Buck.

Let me explain.

Back in March, I broke my goddamn hand in sparring class while basically playing Karate Kid.

Well...less 'Karate Kid,' and more 'Stupid Fucking Broken Hand Guy.'

I hate that guy.

Actually...either one of them.

I hate both of them equally.

Although the hate of the Karate Kid is more for making me wait until years later to see Elisabeth Shue naked.

It was 1984.

I was 16 and really could have done a lot with that back then.

I believe I've digressed.

After having surgery to put my hand back together...

...and spending four long weeks in a cast without getting air or water on it... hand looked like this:


Holy shit.


It didn't look THAT bad.

My hand looked like this:


Makes you want to suck on my fingers, doesn't it.


Like you don't want to.

Now, though, my hand looks like this:

Aaah. That's better.

However, life has not been all lesbian porn scenes and free quaaludes since the removal of my cast.

Woops...hold on.

(Happy place)

Okay. I'm back.

You see...

...I have to go to therapy.

Physical therapy.

Not the therapy that I probably really need.

(Choose one of several valid therapy options here)

So, I go to physical therapy twice a week.

The most often-asked question I get is this one:

"Is your therapist hot?"


No, my therapist is not hot.

My therapist is the opposite of hot.

My therapist would be the result of an accidental comingling of Susan Sarandon and Sarah Jessica Parker's DNA as it landed on top of Renee Zellwegger's egg which then fell into a vat of Bryan Adam's sperm.

Oh, look.

I made myself throw up a little.

If my therapist was featured on, her picture would probably get pulled because someone thought it was supposed to go on and was put there accidentally.

Not fucking hot, thankyouverymuch.

On the bright side, though, thanks to physical therapy:

1) I'm out about $150 in insurance copays at $15 for every goddamn session.

2) I can now bend my pinky finger about 90 degrees and it only hurts like the gates of Hell have opened up and Satan himself is stabbing at my knuckles with his pitchfork. AAAHHH...AAAH IT KILLS!!!


Yeah, this is worth it.


Christina_the_wench said...

You were one of those whiny brats that I let my kid beat up, weren't you? I knew it.

Make Lain go in your place.

Jo Ke said...

So, your hand's available for parties.
I was wondering if I could rent it by the hour to hold nails as I fix my roof.

Mike said...


That last mental picture was the worst I've ever had.

I'm shipping you the vomit.

Jaime @ Fast Times said...

I love your storytelling!

Anonymous said...

Dude, your pinkie looks like a tumor. Which makes it all the more appropriate that you compared it to SJP's face.

MJenks said...

Thanks for popping Zellweger's picture up there. I was a bit too aroused at the whole "lesbian porn and quaaludes" reference. Now I'm back to normal.

LBluca77 said...

That picture of SJP is pretty bad but she is not that ugly. Renee wins at that contest to everyone on the entire planet.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I read this and now I can't get that damned Pink Dinky Doo theme song out of my head.

That's it. I'm not letting my three year old watch that shit anymore. You've associated it with Sarah Jessica Parker. Nausea, oh the nausea.

Have a present.

Work safe fun!

Moooooog35 said...

Christina: It's iain...not Lain. "Lain" is something you're pretty famous for.

As in:

"Where's Christina?"

"She's lain with all those men again."


Jo Ke: Obviously, you've never read any of my 'tried to fix shit' posts.

You don't want me anywhere near anything that needs fixing.

Trust me on this one.

I've started fires just taping things together.

Mike: If it's c.o.d., I ain't signing for it.

So there.

Jaime: me too! we should make a flag!

Free: You're giving it too much credit. Tumors look WAY better.

Mjenks: Anything I can do to help. I'm here for you man.

I lied.

Lbluca: You may be right. SJP looks like a foot. Renee looks like a foot eating lemons.

Becky: Thanks for introducing something that has FINALLY replaced the McDonald's filet-o-fish song in my head.

Grace said...

umm ooouch?

E Chuod said...

Worst hand job ever.


Susan said...

That totally beats wax on, wax off. Totally.

fiona said...

I'll do yer pinkie for $1 because I am a GOOD friend... said...

So, which Elizabeth Shue? The one sweet innocent babysitters club Liz or the one where she's anally rapped by the frat boys in Leaving Las Vegas?
I guess they both have their pros & cons....

Moooooog35 said...

Bow: Why? What happened? You okay?

Oh. Me.


E.Choud: That's written on your business cards, isn't it?

Susan: Ha! You said 'beats.'

Fiona: Wait...who's paying who here?

Repli..blahblah: Does it honestly, really matter?

No. No it doesn't.

Kelly said...

Hilarious! I would think that the lesbian porn watching would be helpful in healing your hand...

Olly said...

Yup, nice to see Bryan Adams on someone elses ugly list!

Kellie said...

SJP is not THAT bad but that close up picture of her definitely isn't doing her any favors. Renee though why? Why does she always make that sucking face???

rachaelgking said...

I so see you as Kosmo Cramer when he fought all those 8 years old in Karate class.

Blonde Goddess said...

I will consider licking your hand but sucking is definitely out of the question.
And it MUST be covered with whipped cream....

Rahul said...

PT for your pinky? That is weak sauce. I would cut it off.

Bon Don said...

You should be a hand model...they are very clean looking, I mean we KNOW they're not but they look the part at least!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Well, my PT is very very hot. And he bends over me, and sometimes brushes my left breast while his hot breath...oh, a little carried away there.

Pinky pt with an unhot PT is major stuff, though. I feel for you.

Desert Rat said...

How do you know I'M not your therapist...maybe I'll see you next week my pretty!

Moooooog35 said...

kellie: it's only good in working on my right hand...unless I'm in the mood to play 'the stranger.'

LiLu: dude...I'm WAY shorter...and my hear is

BG: I'll have my lawyer draw up the paperwork.

Coffee: I DO whack off with my pinky sticking out...but only because I'm all 'high society' and shit.

Rs27: I'm assuming this is why you're not a doctor.

Bon: They clean up well...thanks for noticing.

Mary: I want MY therapist to breathe on my hot breasts.

Wait...I think I read that wrong.

Desert: I see your picture, Desert...unless that head peels off to reveal a swamp monster, I know you ain't it.

Malach the Merciless said...

Man, I would of done the sugery and PT for $100 in copays

meleah rebeccah said...

"life has not been all lesbian porn scenes and free quaaludes since the removal of my cast."


Malicious Intent said...

You have small fingers.

Song Guitar Chords Lyrics Tablatures said...

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