Just a quickie today.
Like I'm capable of anything else.
Stupid ticklish frenulum.
(Go ahead...I'll wait)
I check my blog stats pretty regularly.
I have a saying:
"Before you crap...check your stats."
On a related note:
The people I work with hate when I talk to myself.
Thanks to this mantra...
(which, until I Googled the word 'mantra,' thought was one of those things that swim...you know with wings...and tails...and they kill Australian animal show hosts from time to time)
...I check my blog stats about 5 times a day.
My boss thinks I'm working.
I'm usually going poo poo.
Spastic colon?
Probably.
Get it fixed?
Fuck no.
Then I'd have to fucking work.
Screw that shit.
So I check my stats and - HOLY SHITFUCK...
I hit almost 1,200 visitors one day.
A new record!
The most I've EVER had prior to that is 700 visitors.
And that was the day I went full frontal here.
Now I can check off 'display small penis on Internet' off my Bucket List.
SUCK IT, Morgan Freeman!
So, I decide that I'll click to see WHERE these people come from.
Here's where they all came from:
(click to enlarge...that's what she said)
"One of our members added your page to the Mental Health topic on StumbleUpon."
Um.
The...um...
"Mental HEALTH" topic?
So...let me get this straight.
('getting it straight' usually requires the assistance of a pill)
Roughly 600 people needing sound advice on Mental Health issues like:
1) Depression
2) OCD
3) OCD
4) OCD
5) OCD
..I CAN'T STOP!!!...
6) Anorexia
7) Obsessions with short yet sexy sexy men
All these needy, helpless souls...
...instead...
...fucking landed on "Mental Poo."
* twitch
Mental?
Absolutely.
Health?
Well...um...
Unless you were looking for therapy after getting your vasectomy, need to cleanse your soul after seeing your bosses testicles, or learn the art of mastering sexual harassment during your 12-step program...
You came to the wrong fucking place, my friend.
Now...
Not ONLY did they land on Mental Poo...
...but the day that they did land here was the day that I posted "The Stinky Trombone is in Ohio."
If there ever was a day when a crazy prick shouldn't have clicked on a link...
...that was probably it.
Those poor, depressed, suicidal and potentially dimwitted crazily defective bastards.
So much worse now than they were before.
That's what you get for being mental.
Welcome to my world, brethren.
Welcome to my world.
Monday, June 01, 2009
The Disappointed Sociopaths
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22 comments:
Wow. When I grow up I want to be as cool as you are! Or maybe just as lazy. Whichever.
Isn't stumble AWESOME?
My best day from stumble was almost 8,000 unique visitors on my "the day I gave myself the shits on purpose".
My total from there to date?
A tad over 65,000.
In the four or five months my blog has been alive, half of the traffic has been directed to one single post.
Now if only stumble could work it's magic to my others.
See mooog, stumble works!
I think reading your blog would push someone who was on the brink of a mental breakdown over the edge.
This was supposed to be a compliment - did it come out that way?
That's what she said.
I'd love to see how all those mental patients reacted to your blog? Hopefully some of them shit their pants.
As for Stumble, it's responsible for my biggest days. But I've never had a day over 1,500 hits. And that only happened once. Usually it's more like 500, tops. Oh well, I'll take the Stumbles and traffic where I can.
Um...that may have been me. It is your default category when you stumble so I left it once by accident. You're welcome.
HAHAHA! You crack me up.
I wonder who it was that added you to the mental health section?
Um....laughter is the best medicine?
But then they would need to laugh, not cry or run screaming from here.
Maybe this could be compared to some sort of shock treatment?
A mental colonoscopy? (shrugs)
Poor bastards.
Christina: It's a fine art, really.
I lied about that.
Yet another fine art.
Mike: hold on while I come to help you pat yourself on the back.
Really. Not becoming at all, Mike.
I'm disappointed.
Narm: That WAS a complement. Thank you. I've come up with a new tagline:
Mental Poo: Yelling the word 'jump!' in print since 2007.
free: Don't they shit their pants anyway?
Hell...if I knew someone was going to come clean me up as soon as I dropped loaf in my drawers, I'd be doing it now.
Doug: Hey..no worries. Got me a subject, didn't ya?
* pinching your cheeks
I agree. That was just fucking weird shit right there.
BG: Look up.
It's like sometimes I have to pull you around by your leash.
Bad girl.
MI: Great. Mental Colonoscopy.
I can hear the ripoffs coming as we speak.
LOLs @ mental colonoscopy
hahahaha.
this is the best post i have read all day. (sorry other bloggers)
You know I am going to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out how to add TMI Thursdays to that topic.
Maybe they put mental health b/c after reading you they no longer felt the need to find mental help and felt completely normal again? That's my best guess.
And wow. You get a lot of visitors. Well done my Poo friend!
I think over half of those hits are from the FBI and the local police. Big Brother has you in their sights. The only reason they haven't come after you is they can't stand the smell from the john.
You got a comma? I'm so jealous!
What? I never even heard of stumble upon, [mental note: I need to acclimate with this decade]
But 1200 hits in one day?
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
I have a feeling even if people find this blog on ACCIDENT, they just might keep coming back to read it because its SOOOO damn funny.
well there is a saying "Laughter is the best medicine." Who knows, maybe you helped some poor bastard laugh himself out of depression...who knows.....
or, in the more likely situation, you encouraged someone to stab their own eyes out....either way...kudos for 1,200 hits. nicely done my friend, nicely done.
I am in complete and utter awe of you, the King of All That Is Poo. I can only hope to reach 1,000 visitors in a day.
hi
Dude, think it was my fault. I'm about 7 wonderful weeks pregnant. It amounts to I need to puke, but can't-all.day.long. So, I had a couple of options. First I tried the lovely ginger coctail, which just made me hate ginger more and feel gingery nauseous. Then I seriously debated the tried and true bulimic method from high school, but that took too much money to stop, and well this is baby #4 so that's not a financially smart move. And then I cursed the asswipe husband that made me hate life and want to die-why god, why am I freaking knocked up again. And then it hit me... I can read all Moog's old posts.. surely something in there will make me spew and feel like living again. So it was me.. reading old post. Sorry to burst your bubble.
Winky: It's illegal here to laugh at anything I didn't do.
No..go ahead. That one was pretty good.
Alexa: Wow. You really have low standards.
How you doin'?
LiLu: Well..it's either that or work. So I see this as a win for you.
Kellie: I prefer to think it's their first stop after a labotomy.
Not sure why.
Coffee: You know...if I do the 'visitor location' thing, it's always Chris Hansen's house.
Me-me: Just wait and see how jealous you'll be when I get a colon!
Meleah: At the end of each post is a button that says 'Stumble This!'
It's big and blue.
Like my balls...except, you know, big.
There you can click and recommend the post!
Go nuts.
Literally.
Fawkes: I'm more inclined to think it's the stabbing-eyes thing.
Awesome.
Mary: You can if you do a post that just says 'porn porn lesbian porn pics free xxx'
Might not be the traffic you WANT, but whatever.
Jeannette: You...you...you live?
mnmtatgirl: Glad I could help kick off your gag reflex.
Just so you know, there are other ways to do that which are fun for men.
Just sayin'.
Wow. I need my eyes checked. AGAIN.
Spastic Colon; great band name. Dibs!
I see you have not gained your mental health during my absense, you sick, twisted little fucker.
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