Lab #1: Insert Apple into Colon | Mental Poo

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Lab #1: Insert Apple into Colon

Stupid fucking teacher.

I’d put an apple on his desk, but he’s probably too fucking stupid to eat it.

Me: "I brought you an apple, teach!"

Teacher: "Thanks!..Unnngghh...UUNNGGHH!"



A perfectly good Golden Delicious is now brown and not so good.


Now I want an apple.

On a side note, I look fantabulous in my Catholic School Girl outfit and matching ball-gag.

But I've digressed.

A few weeks ago, I spent 5 days – 40 hours – in a training class for my job.

You may be thinking:

Sex Gods need TRAINING?!?

Don't lie.

You know you were thinking that.


Everything you need to know about Sex God Training can be summed up in this one elaborate equation:

((P + V) * ((Lube + stray pinky finger))/x minutes (where x=3)= rockin' good time.

I know.

I totally blew your mind right there.

Just like "Good Will Hunting" but not even remotely similar.

Actually, I was in a technical training course.

This course had the word, “ADVANCED” just before the rest of the title.

And although I’m sure my wife wishes the course was “Advanced Sexual Techniques for the Tiny-Penised Male”

…alas it was not.

Look out, honey!

Here comes two more minutes of fun!

For me.

No – the class was an advanced technical class.

As such, I would expect a couple of things:

1) To learn something new
2) That the instructor wasn’t a stupid fuckshit

Neither was true.

Instead, I spent roughly 25 of these forty hours saying shit like:

“This still isn’t working.”

“Nope. Not working.”

“So…how do you do this exactly? By the way, this fucking thing still isn’t working.”

"Do you actually test this fucking shit...or is it like your visit to the gay bar...just stick your dick out and hope an ass lands on it?"

“If I have to sit through two more days of this shit, I’m going to take this fucking box and throw it out the goddamn window.”

His replies?

“Yeah. Um. I really don’t know how to do that.” favorite...

“Um. That’s beyond my level of expertise.”


Wait..wait..let me check the course descrip..yep..yep…says “ADVANCED” right here in the title.

Apparently, the criteria for teaching an ‘Advanced’ course is:

1) Be semi-conscious

Be able to say “Um. Err…” repetitively

3) Be able to know where to send people for lunch in the general vicinity

4) Be completely incapable of answering a single fucking question unless it's about where the fuck to eat lunch in the general vicinity

Asshole teacher.

Total fucking waste of time.

But, I’m back now.

In an advanced state of pissed-offedness.

On the bright side, they brought cookies in the afternoon.

And, no...

I didn’t stop the teacher from sticking it in his ass.

He totally deserved that shit.


Sass said...

This post has left me feeling very confused, afraid, and...frankly...rather excited.

* goes back to rocking back and forth on the floor *

Mike said...

I'm still hungover from the last "advanced" course I was at.

MJenks said...

I think I shall now refer to her only as Natalie "Gives Me Good" Wood.

Also, Ms. Gives Me Good Wood seems to either be cold, or that doggy is about to be given a jolly rogering.

LBluca77 said...

I use the opportunity during training classes to perfect my doodling.

Kelly Ann said...

I'm with Sass on this one. But instead of rocking on the floor... I'm running to the store for apples and cookies. lmao

DouglasDyer said...

Oh sure, like YOU could have found a lunch place in the general vicinity. Whatev!

kathcom said...

To hell with your class! I want to know more about this Christian Gudnason person.

Moooooog35 said...

Sass: You forgot:

"..and clicking light switch off and on and off and on..."

Mike: I know. "Advanced Prison Sex" is a rough one.


Mjenks: Jolly Rogering?


Now I want hard candy.

Lbluca: Do you mean the drawing type of doodling, or the fondling of genitals?

Always confuses me...and results in me getting thrown out of a shitload of meetings.

Lady Sarcasm: Just get an Apple Newton in there and you've killed two anal birds with one stone.

Doug: Well..I COULD have but I wasn't listening.

kathcom: You and me both, and me both.

Sass said...

Jolly Roger does not = Jolly Rancher.

I'm just sayin', moooooog.

FawkesFire said...

I think my brain just had a teeny tiny explosion somewhere from trying to figure this post out....

that being said I'm gonna try to just not let my imagination run wild and continue play Sims 3..good day to you sir.

Malicious Intent said...

I tried hard to feel sorry for you.
Really hard.

It didn't happen.


Moooooog35 said...

Sass: Um.


That explains why this candy tastes really funny.

Fawkes: And blue sneakers to you!

MI: It's okay.

I, too, try really hard often and nothing happens.

Then I get the refill on my prescription.

Unknown said...

Wait! Are you telling me the answer is not B? Shit I better not eat that apple I was given either. Oh my.

Chris said...

Reminds me of my favorite seminar ever, when the douchebag presenter forgot to turn off the wireless microphone when he went to the restroom.

Yeah, he didn't really have our respect after that.

FawkesFire said...

*scampers off to dress a Sims character in a outfit that includes blue sneakers*

rachaelgking said...

I must be getting immune to you, because all I can think is...

Did that fat ass really pick "elephant" over "the moon"?

Anonymous said...

Lol, stupid fuckshit! Love it.

nipsy said...

Apples heh? Who knew..and to think I was sticking with cucumbers only this whole time..

Malach the Merciless said...

Nice job, wait until you hear about my weekend.

Moooooog35 said...

Etta: When all else fails, x=8.

Just remember that, and you'll get through life just fine.

More 'Good Will Hunting' for ya.

* head explodes

Chris: Did you get to hear #1 or #2?

Fawkes: Thank you for giving me another way to spell 'loser.'


Lilu: You have immunity?

I don't remember you winning the idol.

Stupid roofies.

justjp: yes, sir...trademark pending.

Nipsy: Um..

* blink

Malach: My nipples are erect with excitement!!

More from the 'nipsy' cucumber comment, but whatever.

GorillaSushi said...

Great, now I want cookies.

Susan said...

Wow. You seem a little disgruntled in this post.

But thanks for the hint - I have 2 full weeks of training across the country in July - I'm packing a fucking BAG of apples.

Kirsten said...

I guess I'm not qualified to be your teacher. I have no fucking clue as to where people as supposed to eat lunch. : (

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