My Big Fat Hog has no Fashion Sense | Mental Poo

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

My Big Fat Hog has no Fashion Sense


The Gods of Rain shined down upon me that day.

And no, not just because I look friggin' awesome with my shirt off in the downpour...

...all glistening and muscly and shit..

Wow. Look at that.

Gave myself a boner.

No...the Rain Gods came and washed out the local soccer fields.

Dutifully canceling my daughter's soccer game.

This, in and of itself, is worthy of one of those manly Marine shout outs:

"COOCHIE COOCHIE COOCHIE!"

How Charo got kicked out of the Marines with that magnificent set of cans, I'll never know.


Regardless, the cancellation of her game freed up my Sunday.

Doing shit around the house is pretty much out of the question, as I'm not really very good at anything.

Me: "Honey...you know how I suck at doing things around the house?"

Wife: "What did you do?"

Me: "You might want to pack. I think the lawn is on fire."

Stupid sprinkler system.


So, instead, I took the kids to the closest Harley Davidson store.

That's right, bitches...I'm a Harley man.

All five feet of me.

Moooooog: Not being even the slightest bit menacing since 1968.

Regardless, I had a $50 gift certificate from Christmas (thank you baby Jesus!)...

...and told the kids I would get them new shirts if they came with me.

Bribery: Making kids do shit they don't wanna since forever.

Jesus H. Christ.

Today is turning into "Mental Poo: Tagline Edition."

I'll stop now.

Moooooog: Stopping his irritating tagline shit since two seconds ago.

Fuck.

Sorry.


My wife wanted to go with us, but she didn't come back from the gym in time.

So, as we were leaving, I left her this note:

(click to enlarge...that's what she said):



On a related note:

My wife sometimes just cries out 'WHY!?'

So, we get to the Harley store and my kids pick out their shirts.

My daughter has a wonderfully tasteful pink short sleeve shirt, with 'Harley Davidson' embroidered around some flowers.

Yes, I know what embroidery is.

Don't judge.

My son?

Here's what my son picks out:


Awesome.

Totally appropriate for Kindergarten class.

Me?

I can't find shit.

Every fucking shirt in the rack is XL, XXL, XXXXL....

Jesus H. Christ.

I'm five-foot-two...160 pounds...

(of sheer muscle-filled shortnicity!)

..and there's not a single fucking there here to fit me.

Me: "Jesus H. Christ. Apparently, I have to be six-foot-eight, 720 pounds to ride a fucking Harley."

This went over well with the six-foot-eight, 720 pound guy who was working the service counter right behind me.

Giant: "Ahem."

Me: "No offense."

Fuck.

Like I want to die looking for a goddamn t-shirt.


So, I employ the kids.

Me: "Guys...go through these racks and find anything that says 'MEDIUM.'"

30 seconds later, my son comes around the corner.

Cam: "I found one!"

He's holding this:


Me: "Um...thanks, buddy. But daddy would never ever ever wear that."

Outside of the bedroom.

Ahem.

Then my daughter comes up:

Payton: "I found this."

Me: "Oh...what did you fi.."

She found this:


Me: "Now we're talking!"

I mean...um...

Me: "No, honey...no."

Maybe I should have been more specific when I said 'find a medium.'

I probably should have waited for my wife.

Stupid untamed Harley spirit.

21 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

The fringe, the thong, the Axel Rose bandana.How could you NOT get laid? You lucky, lucky man.

Mike said...

I'm interested to know, since harley shocks was built for the husky man -

When you ride your harley and hit a small bump, do you get air?

Thanks.

Winky Twinky said...

Well, you did say "find anything that says medium"... :-P

GorillaSushi said...

The six-foot-eight, 720 pound guy who was working the service counter probably ate all of the medium sized shirts.

Blonde Goddess said...

Perhaps if you were to wear the fringed vest with the thong you could pull it off.
Oh...I'd also be sure to wear it with a helmet with a tinted visor...

DouglasDyer said...

I happen to wear a 3X shirt and a medium thong. Daddy's heading to Harley's for some new threads.

Narm said...

Damn you and your Harley coolness. Now I have to go build something or kill something to get man points back.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: I find ways...trust me.

Mike: I totally get air.

In fact, I usually have to stand up on my pegs to keep from being bucked right off the fucking thing when I hit bumps.

So. Cool.

Winky: This is why children suck.

Gorilla: That would explain why his farts smelled like a 50-50 poly blend.

BG: My helmet DOES have a tinted visor.

I also do a wicked Darth Vader impression.

Not sure which one came first.

Doug: Hey..while you're there..look for something in a medium for me, would ya?

Narm: I know...it's almost unnerving.

Excuse me now...I must sew my daughter's tap shoe laces togeth..

..um..

I mean go riding.

Argh.

FawkesFire said...

jusy buy the vest and thong and wear them together....I'm sure the wife would LOVE that. Teehee. Your kids are great.

on a slightly related note, have you tried buying yourself a shirt from Harley's online store?

Malicious Intent said...

Yeah, should have waited on the wife, it is obvious that medium thong was WAY to big for you. Didn't they have a Jr. dept?

moooooog35 said...

Fawkes: I don't buy anything online since that time when Kevin Federline stole my identity.

MI: You'd be surprised how much junk you can stuff in that thing.

Even when I'm not wearing it.

Nooter said...

buy a can of motor oil and tell the wife that for next christmas you want the big accessory that goes with it.

coffeypot said...

Harley Davidson, one of the most recognized brands in the world. Men even have the logo tattooed on their arms and backs and chest and...I guess that’s all. But that is a compliment. You never see a man with the tattoo "Aqua Velva" on his arm or a woman in "Massengale" on her tits.

LiLu said...

The weirdest thing?

I have that thong.

Bon Don said...

You always make me pee a little from laughing... just thought you should know.

I'm wondering if you have the layerd bangs, or maybe even a clip on ponytail for when you go riding?

moooooog35 said...

Nooter: I have the accessory.

It was a $13,000 accessory.

I can't afford the oil now.

Coffee: Dude...I'm so lost with that comment I think I just saw Kate and Sawyer.

Lilu: Not anymore.

Money's on the dresser.

Bon: You sure you just don't have a severe medical problem that requires medication?

I mean, I'll take the 'pee from laughter' as a comment...but in the back of my head I'm thinking you've got gonnorrhea.

Malach the Merciless said...

Live free or die

Susan said...

Just the picture of that thong scares me. Holy crap.

fiona said...

Hefeckinlarious.
You , in a thong, HEFECKINLARIOUS!
That's all

Lady Sarcasm said...

Harley would be honored to have your butt hair in their thong I'm sure. :)

coffeypot said...

Charles Collins is such a stereotypical Japanese name that I immediately had a mental flash of a slant-eyed, bucktooth dude with thick glasses and wearing a kamikaze pilot hat. After you sent the e-mail back, did you run out an get a bowl of rice to celebrate?

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