Charles Collins Wants to Send Me Money!! Hoolay!! | Mental Poo

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Charles Collins Wants to Send Me Money!! Hoolay!!

OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY!

I can't wait for the money to start rolling in!

Here's what happened:

We all get these stupid fucking emails about transferring money and all that bullshit.

Here's the latest one I got:

(click to enlarge (that's what she said)):


If the image didn't come through, here's what it says:

**********************
From: charlescollins200911@yahoo.co.jp

HELLO My name is Charles a Banker please i want to transfer money to you get back to me for more details

- charles collins


**********************


I let this thing stew in my inbox (that's what she said, again) for a while...

...one finger on the 'Delete' button.

But decided, instead...

...to reply.

Here, in it's entirety, is my reply to one Charles Collins of Japan.

Enjoy.

**********************
To: charlescollins200911@yahoo.co.jp

From: midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com

Well, shit. This seems totally legit. Why the fuck not?

Thanks, Charles. It's not very often that someone with very little knowledge of the American language and/or typing skills contacts me and wants to send me money out of the blue.

Usually, letters like this come to me from Nigeria...and you know how those Nigerians can be.

They cannot be trusted!

Maybe we should buy bombers and shit with this money and blow them up.

Maybe then I wouldn't have to spend so much fucking money on Spam filters and shit.


Pesky Nigerians! They be crazy, fo shizzle.

Luckily yours made it through! How fortunate for me!

Hooray!

Woops...I see you're from Japan.

Hoolay!

You should be able to understand that one.

How much money are you talking here, Chuck?

Should we split it? Go halvsies? What's your cut?

Can I buy hookers and shit or do you want me to just deposit it?

If I CAN get hookers is there a per-hooker limit, or can I just go hog wild and have, like, really really expensive ones who will let me put it in their bum? I've always wanted to put it in a bum.

So dark. So mysterious.

Like Adam Sandler says:

50 million Elvis fans can't be wrong.

Helpful tip now that we're talking about Adam Sandler:

Don't rent 'BedTime Stories' unless you have kids. The guinea pig makes the movie.


That one's free.

Where was I? Oh, yeah....hookers who like things in their ass.

Let me know - because if the bum thing is a deal breaker for you, then I'll have to pass.

Forever your soulmate,

Barack Obama.

**********************

Then I sent it.

I have not heard back.

I got one thing to say to you, Charles Collins from Japan:

You're a fucking tease, Chuck Collins!! A fucking tease!!

I had hookers and lube lined up and everything.

Asshole.

31 comments:

FawkesFire said...

my good Lord....you replied?

The poor bastard probably peed himself silly over that fact that someone did in fact, answer back. Only to have his tiny tiny ego shattered by your email....

God Bless you, sir. For flipping the bird to all the assholes sending spam mail. You're now on my hero list.

Kellie said...

I've always wanted to reply to those morons but never took the time to. I'm glad I didn't b/c now I know that not only would I be disappointed that they wouldn't reply, but mine would not be even close to as funny as yours was. Well done Moog.

Me-Me King said...

Fabulous, absolutely fabulous. I hope Charles a Banker replies to you very soon. Who knows, he may be preparing to send your big fat check.

Narm said...

You had that lube and hookers lined up WAY before this email.

Dr Zibbs said...

Man you're gonna be rich!

DouglasDyer said...

I can't tell you how many deals I've had to turn down because anal sex was taken off the table. Too many, too many...

Stacie's Madness said...

ROFLMAO...

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

this made my day. i hope you get a reply!

Christina_the_wench said...

You know your reply totally got caught in his spam filter,don't you? Chuck's laughing at you right now.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I've seen a lot of people post their "reply" emails to these guys on their blogs.

Yours is, by far, the greatest one ever conceived.

moooooog35 said...

Fawkes: You know...I seriously considered a screen shot of my 'sent' folder thinking people wouldn't think I actually sent it.

But then I figured...

..if you don't know me by now...

(sing rest of song for full effect)

Kellie: Let me know...I can always reply for you.

We may have a new schtick!

Me-Me: Dammit. I already canceled the hookers and used the lube.

Narm: It's almost like you see my soul.

Zibbs: I have children. I'm already ric...

HAHAHAHAHA!!

Made myself laugh.

Doug: You, sir...complete me.

Stacie: Get up, woman...you're embarrassing yourself!

Claire: So do I. So do I.

Christina: Spammers have spam filters? How does their shit get OUT?

Mjenks: Wait...I didn't invent this?!

sonofabitch.

And, thank you, sir.

Becky..AMHW said...

My husband led one of these guys on for a month. Even photoshopped a fake ID and emailed that to him. Had the guy second guessing numbers and running around and trying to find answers to where the best place to western union something would be. It was hilarious.

I've led on similar men...who suddenly fall in very much sparkle beuatifull love with me, forever.

PS, I have a pic of me in that spam costume. No joke. Can't get 'em from my supplier anymore though. Spam pulled back the license, damn canned meat.

ettarose said...

moooooog, I am so proud of you, although you could have led him on a bit. It would have been hilarious to watch him scampering around trying to reel you in. Next time pretend to be the hooker who likes it in the bum.

VE said...

I'm thinking a spam Survivor contest here. The Nigerians are one tribe and the Japanese are the other. Imagine the possibilities...

Malicious Intent said...

Still no reply? The disappointment you must be feeling right now has to be crushing? Or is that just the pile of hookers laying on your chest? Told ya that thong was to damn big, but nooooooo...wouldn't list to me.

kathcom said...

He's probably too busy telling all his friends he got an email from Barack Obama to write you back.

meleah rebeccah said...

I am CRACKING UP. Cracking the fuck up. This is the GREATEST reply email ever sent to spammers.

moooooog35 said...

Becky: YOU'RE the sparkle beautiful love woman?!

I feel so used.

Etta: I sense an ongoing thing I can do here...

...if ONLY the spam would keep coming.

...if only...

VE: Isn't that one of the matches in BloodSport?

MI: it's not the hookers crushing my chest...I only hire midget ones for this very reason.

Kathcom: I've got a backup one as Michele.

He won't know what hit him!

Meleah: I know.

I should probably have a website.

Susan said...

You win award of the year. That is HYSTERICAL! But I am so sorry to say that Charles picked me first and it's always been my secret that HE"S REALLY A FUCKING BILLIONAIRE!!!

Maybe a simple "I'm sorry" will help turn him around?

Deb said...

I got an e-mail too, but mine was all in Japanese. Or maybe it was Chinese. Or Cantonese. Portuguese? Damn. That e-mail could have been from Chuckie!

I hope the Secret Service is laughing when they knock on your door tomorrow!

Bon Don said...

"Hoolay!" I'm using this instead of my boring "Yay" ... WAIT! I hope I don't have to pay any royalty fees or give bum action?!

Malach the Merciless said...

Robert Mueller from the FBI still has yet to contact me about the reponse I sent him about the money he wanted to send me

moooooog35 said...

Susan: Is it a major award? Like a leg lamp?

Deb: I would tell you if they're laughing when they get here, but they told me to keep it a secret.

See what I did there?

Bon: You can do like Queen Elizabeth back in the day and combine the two to give Royal Bum Action.

Malach: Maybe him and Charles Collins are vacationing in Nigeria.

Mike said...

Mooog, that's awesome.

He didn't reply because he IS nigerian, and he figured he'd disguise himself as a japanese man.

Japanese men don't call themselves charles. Just can't pronounce it.

mnmtatgirl said...

Moog... since you clearly weren't interested in all this free money, and you have the dude's email address listed, twice, I went ahead and emailed him and told him I'd love to help a Japanese brotha out... Hope you dont mind.
I'm just waiting to hear from him. Oh, and I told him I wasn't interested in hookers, I'd blow him off.. since your posts didn't do anything to help with the morning sickness. I told my husband your suggestion, but given he feels he put me in this delicate situation, he didn't want my teeth anywhere near his manly parts... go figure ;)

LiLu said...

"Don't rent 'BedTime Stories' unless you have kids. The guinea pig makes the movie."

Maybe I'll just get a guinea pig.

And now we've come full circle to the bum thing.

Wait what?

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

I've taken to doing the same thing with telemarketers and wrong numbers...hmmm...maybe a blog idea there.

Anyway, kudos to you for getting back to the guy. If it's a real guy. I mean, how many Japanese guys named "Charles" could there be?

fiona said...

Woops...I see you're from Japan.

Hoolay!

I did not know you spoke Japanese, your talents never cease to amaze me Moog!

LazyKing said...

hilarious reply. You got him.
I received a mail like this and the guy was from London and wanted to send me 500 millions $.
Crazy poop!!!

Katie said...

私はまたこの電子メールを得た。 それは特に私がそれを得たもので本当でなければならない。
それを、日本吸いなさい。 それを長く吸い、懸命に吸いなさい。

Translate it, biotch :)

moooooog35 said...

Mike: So tlue..sooo tlue.

mnmtatgirl: jesus, woman...suck it up. Like you're the first broad who ever got knocked up.

12 year olds in Chicago suburbs do it all the time. You don't hear them bitchin' about it.

Lilu: I was wondering why your goldfish smelled funny.

Charles: I'm wondering if he's related to my Indian telemarketer, 'Ben.'

(hint: search this blog for 'Bangalore' for a wonderful bloggy surprise!)

Fiona: I know...I'm totally bi in a language sort of way.

LazyKing: hey..hey...'poop?' C'mon...family blog here.

I make myself laugh sometimes.

Katie: here's what I came up with:

"In addition as for me this E-mail was obtained. That being something where especially I obtain that, must be true. Japan inhale that. Inhale that long, inhale eagerly"

Now I'm even more confused.

Do you want to inhale me long and eagerly?

Lost in translation.

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