Vacation Post Redux #2 - How Jaws Got 20/20 Vision | Mental Poo

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Vacation Post Redux #2 - How Jaws Got 20/20 Vision

Since I'm gone on vacation this week, I thought I'd bring you:

Mental Poo Vacation Stories Week

Thanks go out to the one person who's clapping.

Sit down,'re embarrassing yourself.

Today, in the first installment, I bring you "How Jaws Got 20/20 Vision."

This post was also first presented in March, 2008 - right after we came back from our Disney vacation.

And pretty much sums up in a nutshell how shit goes for me on a daily basis.

Even at fucking Sea World.



Two eye visits, twice a year, and a pair of frames.

Apparently, sharks are also covered under this Health Policy.

Let me explain...

On our last full day in Florida, we took the kids to SeaWorld.

(SeaWorld motto: "Hey loser, you just paid $60 TO LOOK AT GODDAMN FISH")


At about midday, we walked to "Shark Encounter."

"Shark Encounter" lets you walk through a series of rooms, where a bunch of large predatory animals circle around you...

...much like being on MySpace.


At the end of the exhibit, you get to feed the sharks.


Feed the sharks.

After being accosted by security to "PUT THE CHILDREN DOWN!", I realized that they actually SELL FOOD that you feed the sharks with.


That makes more sense.

Because I was wondering what I was going to do with my kids' leftover Disney passes.

But I digress...

So, you feed the sharks with squid.

Squid is slimy and wet and smelly.

At one point I had to look twice to make sure I wasn't feeding the sharks little bits of Paris Hilton.


I was bent over holding the tray of squid out for my son.

As he grabbed a piece of squid, I said:

Me: "Okay, have to throw it into the tank pretty hard."

Unfortunately for me, he understood completely.

You know...

Sometimes, I should just keep my fucking mouth shut.

With squid in hand, he wound up...

...and hurled his arm forward.

Mind you, I was bent over to the side of him.

His little hand, rushing forward hit the side of my face...

...snagged my glasses with his fingers...

...and chucked them right into the shark tank along with his squid.





Me (standing up):
"Um...Cam just threw my glasses in the shark tank."

My wife looked at me.

Wife: "What?!"

Me: "He just threw my glasses in the tank."

We look over and there, on the bottom of the tank amongst dozens of swirling sharks and stingrays...

...sat my glasses.

My wife starts laughing.

She loves when shit like this happens.


...we see the stingray coming.

How awesome.

You see...

Earlier in the day, we fed stingrays.

So we knew that stingrays had mouths on their undersides...

...and that they suck things up into their mouths with great force...

...much like Pam Anderson does.

Wife: "I think that stingray is going to eat your glasses."

Sure as shit, here comes Mr. Stingray...gliding along...

...and he stops RIGHT THE FUCK OVER my glasses.


Can this vacation be any more goddamn magical?

He didn't eat them.

This made me happy.

My wife, immediately sensing my sense of urgency and duress in my optical situation, rushes to my aid...

...and grabs the video camera.

"I HAVE to tape this!"

I love Florida SO MUCH.

An attendant managed to fish my glasses back from the tank which - I might add - were EXCEPTIONALLY clean.

I'm assuming they were cleaned by the stingray...

...who forcefully sucked the grit and grime off of them... Britney Spears trying to make friends in rehab.


I wonder if she smells like squid.


Christina_the_wench said...

See Cam was trying to help you out, mooooog. You never would have thrown them in yourself and cleaned them.

On a side note, I'd rather stringray and squid slime than Paris Hilton within 100 yards of me. Doesn't the CDC have her on their homepage?

MJenks said...

I don't think the question is "if" she smells like squid, but "how much".

meleah rebeccah said...

That post cracked me up when I read it the fist time and IT'S STILL hilarious.

rachaelgking said...

But think how badass your story would have been if he HAD eaten them!

"What happened to your glasses?"

"I fought off a stingray and he ate them. Then he died."

See? Awesome sauce.

Mike said...

If you could pluck the teeth from a stingray, you could form a whole new type of prostitution ring.

I'm just saying.

Unknown said...

omg. this is great.

Chris said...

Hilarious! I agree with a previous reader, the stingray eating them would've made for a better ending.

And you KNOW you could find a place to explain why you need new glasses on the optometrist's form.


FawkesFire said...

aww, but the stringray clearly loved you enough to clean them for you. I mean, he could have eaten them, but instead it looked up, saw your distressed state and decided to be noble and clean them.....


great blog my friend. great.


again, laugh out loud funny

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