Vacation Post Redux #1 - No Go with the Low Flow | Mental Poo

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Vacation Post Redux #1 - No Go with the Low Flow

Since I'm gone on vacation this week, I thought I'd bring you:

Mental Poo Vacation Stories Week

Thanks go out to the one person who's clapping.

Sit down, asshole...you're embarrassing yourself.

Today, in the first installment, I bring you "No Go with the Low Flow."

This post was first presented in March, 2008 - right after we came back from our Disney vacation...

...in the house with the low-flow environmentally friendly toilets.

I think you know where this is going.

Enjoy.

******************


WARNING: This post talks about Poo.

A LOT.

You've been warned.

****************

Low Flow = Big Stink

Let me explain...

As mentioned previously, we rented a house on our Florida vacation.

Unfortunately, all of the toilets in our rental house were all "environmentally friendly" LOW-FLOW toilets.

A sample "Low-Flow Toilet" marketing advertisement:

"Low-Flow Toilets:

When flushing seventeen times just isn't enough*.

*Use only for pee."


I don't understand these toilets even a little.

I mean, I'm all for the water conservation thing...but, really:

"Low flow" means that even a tiny little turd breaks the surface of the water.


When there's basically a cupful of water sitting in the toilet, two things happen:

1) My poo immediately breaches the surface of the water.


Me: "Uunnnnnngggghhh!"

(I always make this noise...even in public bathrooms...freaks people out...TRY IT AT HOME, KIDS!)


*PLOP*

...immediately followed by:

*GADOOOOSH!*

(sound of giant splash...which has now sprinkled my bottom with toilet water)

mmmm...cool.


But I digress...

I look down.

Oh...that's just fucking great.

A little brown lighthouse is now greeting me from the loo.

Fucking low-flow bullsh*t.


Me (waving): "Well, hello there big guy!"

(he waves back...we discuss politics...turns out he's voting for Hillary)


Then, I realize...

...in one singular squish...

...I have exceeded the total poo volume that the low-flow toilet can actually handle.

Um.

Ew.

This is not going to end well.

Now, poo in a NORMAL toilet, once in "submarine mode," doesn't really smell.

The water kind of absorbs it.

(The smell comes from the resulting poo-stew...which can be hideous in itself...

...but is in NO WAY equal to the smell of a non-submerged BM)



In a low-flow toilet, submergence does not happen.

As such, the air is immediately swirling with a stench...

...that I can only surmise is equal to what Rosie O'Donnell's back fat smells like in between folds #6 and #7.

Me: "Oh...oh GOD...."

(I black out)


2) Multiple flushes are required

This is where I really don't understand low-flow toilets.

Women can go into a bathroom and - within the span of 20 seconds - completely drop their Cosby kids off at the pool.

Men, on the other hand, have to bring in several time-consuming materials...

(crossword puzzles, video games, and - in some cases - prostitutes)

...in order to kill the time whilst the evacuation occurs.


We men try to go for record-breaking movements every single time we go.

It's in our nature.

As such, in order to get the surface breaker to completely go down, we require several flushes with the low-flow johns:

Flush #1:

The first flush almost kills the toilet.

*FLOOOOOOSH*

Uh-oh.

It's mad now....

...and it's coming for me.

The toilet looks like it's actually going to clog and overflow.

This causes momentary panic as you frantically look around for a plunger, stick, household cat, etc., in which to push the rest of the clog down.

"Please God...make it go down..."



Eventually, SOME of it actually goes down.

But not all...

...thus requiring:

Flush #2:

The second flush takes care of the rest of the payload you've left behind.

This is good, as you can now put the cat down and not worry about having to clean up a river of little brown canoes floating about the bathroom floor.

Phew.

However, you now are left to do....

Flush #3:

The final flush before you give up is done in an attempt to clean off the skid marks left all over the side of the "low flow" toilet...

...yet another problem when the water doesn't go high enough when the toilet is full.

Mmm...

...it looks like a crowd of frantic Jell-O Pudding Pops has tried feverishly to escape.

Also, this final flush takes care of any "floaters" that refuse to go down.


This third flush is often preceded by a layering of "blanket paper" that you lay on TOP of the floaters...

...praying that the floaters "go down with the ship" when the paper is also sucked down.

This step is also required so your wife doesn't go in after you and yell:

Wife: "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN HERE?!? MOTHER OF GOD?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EAT?!?! What the...IS THAT THE CAT?!?"

As such, this third flush is optional for men...

...as most times, this is pretty funny when you choose not to do it and the wife walks in on it.


Conclusion:

Since low-flow toilets require AT LEAST three flushes to get your vacation food out of the house, I can't see how they save water or the environment.

In some border cases, you may actually lose a beloved family pet.

I'm also concerned about the air quality of the environment here...

...as I've had to empty half of the contents of my aerosol Glade Air Freshener to try to get the friggin' stench out of the room...

..subsequently destroying the ozone.

On the bright side, if the ozone is destroyed, we get the benefit of global warming...

...saving me money because I won't have to go to Florida for my vacation in the middle of winter.

Hmmm....

Maybe Low-Flow is a good thing, after all.

15 comments:

The Peach Tart said...

Yes I hate those things too but never looked at it in quite this level of hilarious detail.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Like Bobby Hill called out to Peggy, "Mom, you should have used seven."

FawkesFire said...

classic.

I hate low flows too. have you ever watched the King of the Hill episode discussing this problem? its called "Flush with Power".....somehow I think you'll be amused.......

Stacie's Madness said...

wide load comin through

Stacie's Madness said...

wide load comin through

LiLu said...

If you ever publish a book, I DEMAND a one-liner somewhere on the cover.

Maxie said...

I want a high-flow toliet. Do they make those?

VE said...

A classic moooooog story! I posted something similar back in Jan 2008 and suggested each toilet have a Norad level setting depending on the flush needed for the poo...

Level one (green): You only peed
Level two (yellow): You poo’d but it was one of those round ones that looks like Milk duds
Level three (orange): You had a nice solid tapered poo…good for you
Level four (red): You ate an entire cow the day before and are now dealing with the after effects

Christina_the_wench said...

Whoever comes up with a poo measuring tool is gonna make a fortune from the men of this planet.

Mike said...

I love the reference to the blumpkin.

Made my day.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Moog, you've reached a sort of blog purgatory (blogatory?) with me and it's rather odd. I definitely see the comedic aspects of your writing, and I guess it's really funny, but I'm too grossed out to laugh.

Knowing you, that's probably the point, isn't it? If so, you've hit paydirt. Or poodirt.

Zan said...

I'm starting to think we have one of these in our new place...fruit diets and low-flow toilets do not mix.

FawkesFire said...

I gotta agree with Christina the Wench on this one....why has nobody come up with a measuring unit for poo yet? And I hate to reference another cartoon, but South Park had a episode where there was a measuring unit for poo....

http://www.xepisodes.com/episodes/1109/More-Crap.html

I'm honestly surprised Moog hasn't found this episode yet to be honest......

Malach the Merciless said...

Repeats? What the Frak?

Kellie said...

I don't believe I have ever used a low-flow toilet but I guarantee that I would never buy one for my own place b/c of the shit you just described here. I would never want to walk in after the hubs only flushed 2 times. It would ruin the way I look at him.

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