Vacation Post Redux #3 - 15 Bullets

Since I'm gone on vacation this week, I thought I'd bring you:

Mental Poo Vacation Stories Week

Thanks go out to the one person who's clapping.

Sit down, asshole...you're embarrassing yourself.

Today, in the first installment, I bring you "15 Bullets"

This post was also first presented in May, 2008.

This post is DAY 2 of a business trip I took to the giant fucking shithole known as Mississippi.

You can find Day 1 here.

How I managed to stay alive during this ordeal is still a miracle...

...on par with how Jon & Kate Plus 8 is still on the fucking air.

Unbelievable.

Enjoy.

******************


Mississippi.

How's it going?

HOW'S IT GOING?!?

Read this, then YOU tell me.

This is an IM conversation I had with my buddy Rob the other night...

...as I waited in the office for Hillbilly Bob to get his hick-ass-grit-eating-duck-shooting shit together.

(Note how Rob immediately goes for the "anal violation by Southern guy" angle):

********************************************

Rob: hey...hows your ass?

midgetmanofsteel: Nice. This place is a fuckhole

midgetmanofsteel: I'm IN A MOTEL

midgetmanofsteel: A FUCKING MOTEL

Rob: lol

midgetmanofsteel: ..I was typing my blog for tomorrow...and a fucking bug landed on my hand. What the Hell is up with that shit?

Rob: LOL


midgetmanofsteel: the guy that works here - get this

midgetmanofsteel: has FIFTEEN bullets in his cube that...wait for it...

Rob: bullets?

midgetmanofsteel: ...he FOUND IN THE PARKING LOT

midgetmanofsteel: THE PARKING LOT

Rob: real bullets?

midgetmanofsteel: THE FUCKING PARKING LOT

midgetmanofsteel: BULLETS

Rob: lol

midgetmanofsteel: YES...REAL FUCKING BULLETS

midgetmanofsteel: I want to go home.


Rob: maybe you can get a cheap hooker

midgetmanofsteel: yeah...and some syphilis

midgetmanofsteel: awesome.

Rob: LOL

midgetmanofsteel: I pull into the parking lot of MY FUCKING MOTEL (remind me to sue Garber Fucking Travel), and there are security guards.

midgetmanofsteel: I have bars on my fucking room window

Rob: no way

midgetmanofsteel: it's like I'm in the TV show "Good Times"

midgetmanofsteel: I'm expecting Thelma and JJ to come through my door

Rob: LOL


Rob: dyn-o-mite!

midgetmanofsteel: yeah..dynamite

midgetmanofsteel: my rental car is going to get stolen

Rob: you poor bastard

midgetmanofsteel: you watch

Rob: LOL

Rob: stop it. I am crying

midgetmanofsteel: yeah...me too...but I'm not laughing as I'm doing it.

Rob: I am sure

midgetmanofsteel: I'm going to curled up in fucking fetal position all night in the bathtub holding the toilet brush as my weapon.

Rob: lmao


midgetmanofsteel: I'm SO outta here tomorrow

midgetmanofsteel: it's like I'm living inside Shawshank

midgetmanofsteel: the guy that works here just took the other vendor chick outside because she smokes

midgetmanofsteel: he's like..."you don't really want to go outside."

midgetmanofsteel: WTF

Rob: no way

Rob: wow

midgetmanofsteel: ah...they made it back.

Rob: Jackson, Mississippi is not a vacation spot?

midgetmanofsteel: yeah...for violent fucking repeat criminals it's an apparent hotspot

Rob: lol


Rob: is the chick hot?

midgetmanofsteel: no..she looks like my foot.

Rob: short and stubby

midgetmanofsteel: she looks like my foot, if my dog chewed on it for three weeks.

Rob: nice

midgetmanofsteel: yeah...she's a beaut.


midgetmanofsteel: ..and when this is over...I'm going to be driving back to my shiteating motel at 3 in the fucking morning.

midgetmanofsteel: awesome.

midgetmanofsteel: I can only imagine the wonderful crowd that will be there to greet me in the dimly lit parking lot.

midgetmanofsteel: I'm gonna get stuck with a shiv...I just know it.

Rob: find a big stick with a nail in it

midgetmanofsteel: if I find it...it will probably already be embedded in my skull.

Rob: now now..it cant be that bad

midgetmanofsteel: no..it's bad.

midgetmanofsteel: I'm little, Rob. LITTLE.

midgetmanofsteel: it's like waving a four year old boy in front of a priest...I'm MARKED.


Rob: ok..maybe you can borrow billy bobs gun

midgetmanofsteel: I'm just going to collect those bullets and make "POW! POW!" noises and throw them.

Rob: just park real close to the door and run your LITTLE ass off

midgetmanofsteel: yeah...extra bonus...all the "CLOSE" spots are cordoned off for some fucking reason

midgetmanofsteel: I'm guessing there was a murder.

Rob: LOL

Rob: be good and hit em low

Rob: like you have a choice

***************************************

There you have it.

Maybe the last words I'll ever write.

Honey...the Will is in the filing cabinet.

..and no...you cannot remarry.

Let's just get that out there in front.

Moog out.