Born to be Wildfire | Mental Poo

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Born to be Wildfire


Dear Fucknut,

You don't know me, but I know you.

You see...

...I'm the poor bastard who had the privilege of driving behind your car today...

...on my motorcycle...

...on the highway.

And I hate you.

I hate the fact that I had to stare at your two kids in the backseat.

Not because they looked like the redheaded spawn of Satan...

...and not because they kept doing the "Beep your horn with the pull-down handle" arm-motion...

(seriously...I'm on a fucking motorcycle NOT a goddamn 18-wheeler...do your kids actually go to fucking school or are you driving them to detox?)


No, I hate you because as you drove in front of me at 80 miles an hour...

...your little shithead kids were obviously able to annoy me relentlessly...

...because they were unbuckled.

This means I know at least one thing about you without ever having to meet you:

You're. Fucking. Stupid.

Realizing this, I should have seen what was coming:

Lit cigarette flung out your driver's side window.

*THUNK*

Nice.

Right off my facemask...

...and onto my lap.

Thank you.

Nothing like catching on fire on the way to work to start your fucking day.


Me: "HONNEEE...IMF HOOUUUMME!"

Wife: "How's was your day?"

Me: "Unggn...COT ONF FIRE AN NOW NY WIPS ARE BORND OTH."

Wife: "That's good. It's trash day, don't forget."

Jesus H. Christ.

Even when melted, I can't catch a fucking break.


Back to you, Mr. Driver McAsswipe...

Were you done?

FUCK NO!

Apparently - and, oh, lucky me...

...your windshield was dirty.

What better time to clean your fucking windshield then on the highway at 80 miles an hour with me behind you on a motorcycle?

Yeah, I can't think of one, either.

On the bright side:

I now smell of lemony freshness!


Plus, you managed to douse the fire in my balls with the cascading waterfall of windshield washer fluid you hosed on me.

Many thanks.

I, in turn, have repaid you in kind.

When you ask your little kids where they learned how to give the finger to someone, you'll have me to thank.

You're welcome.

Drive safely.

Jackass.

32 comments:

Jen said...

CLASSIC! I am so glad you taught the little spawns sign language.

Sorry your nuggets almost got cooked.

Gauche said...

oh man. hey Moog, as a fellow biker, let me say this: "I feel your pain." I mean, not the roasted Mooglet Sacs, but about the stuff you have to put up with on the freeway. hey, at least you didn't have a half finished strawberry shake come flying your way. I've had that happen before. I followed that asshole to work and made him pay for my dry cleaning. The prick. Ah well. I'm sorry again. Hope your day goes better.

Stacie's Madness said...

As a smoker, I've always wondered if my cig would set a motorcyclist's balls on fire, now I know...and I buckle my kids. Just sayin

Buzzardbilly said...

Curmy moved here from Mass to have more motorcycle riding days. Sometimes he rides in the snow. He has seven bikes now (just got a 2010 Road King...or the pawpaw Harley as we call it). Oh, dear God, does he teach old Smokey Me about motorcycles and wind and cigs and window washing. I've laughed till I cried.

Once he got caught going uphill behind a coal truck (they can only hit about 35 uphill they're so overloaded with coal), so he was getting showered in coal dust. Then, it started to rain. He said he looked like an extra from the movie Matewan by the time he got home.

GingerMandy said...

you're a racist against us redheaded stepchildren. but i guess it's alright, i hate us too.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I like when obnoxious sperm-spawn make faces out the window. I like to smile, wave and thrust an almighty middle digit in their direction as I'm passing. Because I'm very mature.

And a redhead. No one has so far punched me in the throat therefore I assume everyone wants to fuck me. This is why I have duct taped my vagina.

Thank you.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Damn, that's a funny post, Moog! I laughed my ass off reading the bit about catching on fire and talking to your wife. All my co-workers thought I'd lost my meds or something. And I hope those little shits and their dad crash and burn themselves. It'd serve 'em right.

Jen said...

I hope I'm the kind that people want to fuck, though I don't seem to be gettin' any lately.

I had a bird hit me once while riding and tons of bird and bug spooge but never a cigarette but though I did have one fly into my car window from the asshole in driving in front of me. People suck.

Kellie said...

What a jackass. As a motorcycle rider I know a lot of drivers out there are rude and inconsiderate to us. A lot of them just don't realize. We need to put out a PSA. The more you know, the less of a jackhole you'll be!

LiLu said...

That wasn't windshield fluid.

That was his reusable Coke bottle... you know, for when he has to go.

Mike said...

I bet the kids were unbuckled so they could 'refill' the wiper reservoir.

Nothing like recycling a little pepsi into some mountain dew.

Lemony fresh indeed.

Driver said...

Stop tailgating?

Mango Girl said...

I detest people who through their butts out the window! Assholes think the whole world is their ashtray. I want to know where they live so I can empty my ashtrays in their front yard.

Kids unbuckled? I don't even know what to say.

Why didn't you go around?

Un[Censored] said...

Sounds like what most people have to put up with, when it comes to San Diego Drivers...

Everybody's 5 seconds is more important than everyone else's...and unfortunately, in 5 seconds, you could have a tailpipe up your ass and in that case, it was obviously not your 5 seconds that were important.

I'm glad your "childrens" were saved...maybe you can find a helmet with wipers on them, lol.

And the unbuckled part...they will be lucky if their children make it to adulthood...the unfortunate part is, he will probably be teaching them to drive. The saga continues.

Taylor said...

What an asshole.

But at least it made a funny story :)

Don said...

Shit bro'. Next time when you get the chance, punch both of the kids in the throat, fuck the mom, throw a lit cigarette down her gas tank, and force her to drink her own windshield washer fluid while watching her kids burn to a crisp. Only in a perfect world...

Collette said...

What an opportune time to teach the little spawn hand gestures! It's a good thing you were out on the road at that time.

Malach the Merciless said...

You know what cheesed me off tonight?

That new Olympia Commercial with the Taxi Drive and Don Orsillo.

Neither of them wear their seatbelt

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Time to take out his passenger window with a billy club, Moogie.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Time to take out his passenger window with a billy club, Moogie.

Skippy said...

being a motorcycle rider myself, it is so much fun to have to dodge liquid and flaming items being thrown from those family mobiles. No care in the world but for themselves and the devilspawn they hatched.

moooooog35 said...

Jen: Great. Now I want nuggets.

Gauche: My favorite times are riding behind garbage trucks on a hot summer day.

Mmmmmm...toasty.

Stacie: You smoke?! This love affair is officially over.

You know..had it actually started and shit.

Buzzard: Yes...the joy of motorcycling.

Disinfectant wipes not included.

Ginger: When did Redhead become a race?! Is there a country or something?

Veggie: Duct taping the vagina is also that fastest way to a Brazilian.

Helpful tip there.

MikeWJ: Thank you for wishing for death upon the children.

Warms the cockles of my heart.

Ha. I said 'cockles.'

Jen: Redheadedness aside, if you're a woman, a guy will nail you.

We're not that picky, really.

Kellie: I'm all about the PSA.

That stands for something dirty, right?

LiLu: Thanks. That helps.

Mike: Mountain Dew makes your pee smell lemony?!

Driver: I drive in Massachusetts. It's the law to tailgate.

Mango: In Massachusetts, 'going around' in rush hour traffic is akin to taping steaks to yourself while running through Michael Vick's backyard.

Un[Censored]: I've been to San Diego and don't remember the drivers being that bad.

Of course, I walked everywhere, but whatever.

Taylor: Assholes are funny..especially when you tickle them with your..um...sorry..wrong asshole.

Don: You sound sweet.

Collette: They also learned how to say "FFNNNGGHH OOOOOH"

I wear a full face helmet.

Malach: Anything with that taxi guy drives me nuts...except the one with Heidi Watney.

Varitek makes the perfect catch.

Chris: Moogie? WTF.

Are we dating?

Skippy: I've been digging through my Harley Catalog and have yet to find handlebar-mounted death rays.

Let me know if you find them.

Christina_the_wench said...

I ran over a few bikers in my day. Is that bad?

kathcom said...

I hope those kids love the bird so much that they learn to do everything with their middle fingers: eat, type and, of course, mine for booger nuggets.

ReformingGeek said...

Don't you wish you could push a button and your motorcycle becomes a MAC truck with turbo and the asshole driver with the devilspawn becomes a speed bump?

Oops. Did I say that out loud?

Funnyrunner said...

I am still laughing pretty heartily. You really, really crack me up. lol. It's fun laughing at your expense! :)

(sorry about the cigarette and my kids.... but the windshield was really dirty...)

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I really really missed you.
You're one hilarious goof.

Midwest Mommy said...

I am still giggling at the thought of those kids trying to get you to honk your horn, lol! That's great.

Jill Pilgrim said...

Dear Moooooooooog,

I've got nothing.

Love,
Fucknut

moooooog35 said...

Christina: They weren't me...so go nuts.

Kathcom: While also mouthing the word 'vacuum.'

Try it. People will think you're telling them to fuck off!

Hours of family fun.

Reforming: Have you ever seen a Harley customization catalog?

I'm sure that shit's in there, somewhere.

Funny: It's okay...that key scratch on the side of your car isn't mine, either.

Mary: I missed you, too.

Who is this again?

Midwest Mommy: Yes..nothing is funnier than stupid kids.

Which is basically kids in general.

Jill: We're in love?!?!

pity said...

every cigarette bud - pollutes five gallons of water

not a fan of throwing cigg buds out the window - esp at bikers - yikes sounds dangerous

meleah rebeccah said...

better to smell lemony fresh!

Mr. Driver McAsswipe needs to buckle his kids and realize that he is NOT the only driver on the road.

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