Headline: "Apple Falls From Tree, Stays Close By" | Mental Poo

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Headline: "Apple Falls From Tree, Stays Close By"

Before I start today...

LiLu and I finally tag-teamed and are doing a guest post over on Maxie's blog for 'Would You Rather...?' Wednesday.

No genitalia was harmed in the making of that post.

Unfortunately.

ONWARD!!

*******************
Yep, he's mine alright.

My six year old son, Cam.

Although I've had my suspicions that he may be the spawn of the UPS guy...

(seriously...when your six year old puts your own schlong to shame, you gotta be a little suspicious)

...I now know he's mine for sure.

The Scene: Chuck E. Cheese

Motivation: Waiting to play the 'Deal or No Deal' game

On a related note:

My weekends fucking suck.

My daughter had sleepovers and playdates and all kinds of shit going on over the weekend, so my son was feeling a bit left out.

Me: "Hey. The UPS guy is here. I didn't know they delivered on Sunday."

Wife: "Um....HEY! Why don't you take Cam to Chuck E. Cheese?"

Fine.

I took my son to Chuck E. Cheese.

Not sure why she made me take the phone off the hook, though. But whatever.


Before I left though, my wife looked at my son and said:

Wife: "Play a game of 'Deal or No Deal' for me!"

Deal or No Deal.

There's a game in Chuck E. Cheese where you do the whole 'pick a briefcase' thing in an attempt to win tickets so you can buy shit at the counter that you'll throw out in a week anyway.

I suck at investing.


However, during our entire time there, the Deal or No Deal game was being played by other people.

This upset my son who now had something to do specifically for his mom.

So instead we went on a simulator ride right next to the Deal or No Deal game and waited for the people to get the fuck off it.

Ladies:

If you're ever looking for a cheap orgasm, go to Chuck E. Cheese and ride the friggin' Mad Wave Motion Theater.

It only costs a quarter.

The last time I got an orgasm this cheap, I also got a really bad case of genital warts and a black eye from the monkey.

I've digressed.


On the quick orgasm front, I recommend the "Arctic Run" simulation for this goal.

Jesus H. Christ.

I thought my fucking teeth were going to fall out.

That thing vibrated so violently that I believe it shook a little bit of poo out of me.

Me: (to next rider): "You might want to spray some Lysol on that first."

So, as I'm violently shaking for twenty minutes like Portia De Rossi and Ellen Degeneres at a vibrator festival...

...we keep checking to see who's on the Deal or No Deal game.

Great.

Fat fucking bald guy.


My son is getting frustrated.

Son: "Oh, man."

Me: "B-b-b-b-e p-p-p-p-patient...it will c-c-c-c-clear up."

Son: "Okay, okay. Let's ride this again!"

Me: "Oh No! Here c-c-c-comes K-K-K-Kennny...to... k-k-k-kill me!"

Kevin Kline is genius.

After three more rides...

(Oh! Look! My molar fell out!)

...my son looks over again at the Deal or No Deal game.

An old woman is now playing it.

Dammit.

Here's where I know he's my kid.

Because he looks up and also sees the old lady.

Now he's really aggravated.

Pissed off, he looks at me and says:

"Oh, GREAT. Now grandma's playing it."

Fucking. Awesome.

Seeing as she's only two feet away, she looks over all pissed.

I'm laughing.

Yep.

My kid.

I tried to call my wife to tell her but the phone was still off the damn hook.

Weird.

30 comments:

The Peach Tart said...

It's becoming apparent that both kids are just like you.

Mega8815 said...

Your heads not screwed on right.

No I wasn't talking about THAT head.

Okay maybe both.

Shame.

Christina_the_wench said...

Next time, just tell my mom to move. Geez. She has a gambling problem but we're working on it.

Ed Adams said...

Funny Shit!

justjp said...

I am scared to spawn my own, on the simple principal of how fucked I am. Well, if you can't screw up your own kid's, I guess life is just not worth living eh?

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Now if I had kids and they were like me they would've just beat the old lady and then they would've been playing the game....I guess it's a good thing I don't have kids...

GingerMandy said...

i cried almost everytime i went to chuck e cheese because the "older" and "more ghetto" kids would take my tokens and cut in front of me in line. this makes me feel like i need to go back and show those skanks who's boss. damnit, now i'm angry.

Narm said...

My brain just exploded trying to figure out how a kid that is just like you could molest children. Wouldn't he just be molesting his peers? That isn't your style.

Buzzardbilly said...

You know I have to drive for an hour to get to a Chuck E. Cheese. The "marital aid" store is only a mile or so away. I wonder if they sell the home version Mad Wave Motion Theater?

LMAO at formerly obese guy. I think someone at the news station didn't know the difference between "formerly" and "currently," huh?

Gauche said...

It's becoming very clear now that both of the kids have taken on some of your more interesting qualities. congrats.

out of curiosity, did you ever get to play the Deal or No Deal game?

LiLu said...

I've never been inside a Chuck E Cheese.

Well, the BUILDING, at least.

Those puppet suits are hot.

Becky..AMHW said...

ChuckECheese is where you go to pick up an itchy case of rectal pinworms.

Believe it.

Taylor said...

Ahahaha. This is hilarious.

Also? I work at chucke cheese. FML

KC said...

No paternity test necessary for this one. Does Chuck E. Cheese still sell beer? That's the only way my kids could get me there.

Funnyrunner said...

dammit I thought the UPS man was only seeing me. fucker.

award for you at my place (again. sorry. the first time your post was, well, not funny. so I thought I'd give you another chance).

very funny post, btw. as usual.

moooooog35 said...

Peach: Except that they're black.

I need to look into that.

Mega: Wait...this thing is a screw top?!

Patent office, here I come!!

Christina: You might want to have her register with the town, too...just in case. It WAS a Chuck E. Cheese, you know.

Ed: You should see the one I just did...looked like Abe Lincoln.

Oh..the post...nevermind.

Justjp: It's one of the reasons I had them...spread the wealth, you know.

Wealth, of course, meaning 'mental illness.'

Bird Shit: I wasn't thinking straight because of the vibrating brain and shit.

Ginger: WTF kind of Chuck E. Cheese WAS that?!?

Narm: Come closer and I'll tell you a secret.

Buzzard: Seriously...that thing will knock your fillings out.

And by 'fillings' I mean 'liver.'

Gauche: You know...with all the drinking I can't remember.

LiLu: Are you saying that you haven't been inside a Chuck E. Cheese, but Chuck E. Cheese has been inside you?

RATS!

Becky: You had me at 'rectal.'

Taylor: (send coupons)

KC: They DO sell beer. And, apparently at the one GingerMandy goes to, they also carry heroin.

Funnyrunner: Across town, a lonely FedEx guy masturbates in a closet.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

DUDE! COMEDY FAUX PAS!

Never explain your references. If they don't get the "it's k-k-kenny c-c-coming to k-k-kill me", well, fuck 'em.

Funny shit as always.

moooooog35 said...

Chris: you can't just throw around fancy shmancy shit like 'faux' and then couple it with a vegetarian term like 'pas' and expect to get away with it.

Point taken...I fixed it a bit.

See? Shit like this is why I need an editor.

Job is open if you're willing to accept no pay or recognition.

Let me know. My people will call your people.

On a related note: I also have the positions of 'my people' open as well.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Fucking Chuck E. Cheese. Hate that place. They had a tragic shooting murder at one in my hometown a few years ago. Wonder why? Anyway, got to go now. I've got some deliveries to make for UPS. Oh, I see your wife ordered something new from Victoria's Secret again this week. Sweet! I love my job.

Kellie said...

WTF is an old lady doing at a Chuck E. Cheese anyway? Isn't she too old for that shit? Is she a child molester?

Mike said...

Oh, so that's what you'd look like if you were black and bald, ugh, balder.

Coffeypot said...

Only you could make going to Chuck E. Cheese even remotely interesting. I had rather have a hemorrhoid cut off with hedge sheers than go there.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Awww shit. I KNEW that monkey had been nowhere good!

Don said...

Chuck E. Cheese gives me diarrhea--not the food, but the fucking people there. Something about old farts actually going there for the food. Oh yeah right! I think it's full of future Heavens Gate members.

Malach the Merciless said...

It's like Foxwoods in there, that is why I never go

Jill Pilgrim said...

I had exotic dancer barbie growing up! Explains so much, doesn't it?

Mega8815 said...

I do hope not!! LOL

moooooog35 said...

MikeWJ: WHAT?! She told me she only has flannel feety pajamas!!

Kellie: I shall ask her next time I see her at the meeting. I mean..um..at Chuck E. Cheese.

Mike: Like you still wouldn't do me.

Coffee: Worst. Visual. Ever.

Veggie: Wait...did he get to you first or second?

Just trying to find ground zero.

Don: Pizza is good and they give you ranch for the fries and...OMG I'm one of them!!!

Malach: Don Rickles goes there?

Jill: Actually...doesn't explain enough. Please go into detail. Thanks in advance.

Mega: Yes. Blue.

What?

Mango Girl said...

Isn't there a song about Chuck E Cheese hell?

Bamboo said...

You have me in tears laughing! So damn funny!

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