Please bear with me, as I'm still a little...
You see, recently...
I met Bill.
Honestly, I didn't think a long distance relationship would ever work between us.
Bill, you see, is from the Caribbean.
But he made his way up north, and when I finally decided to go see him, he was a mere 279 miles away.
Bill intrigued me.
So I made the trip.
I was impressed.
And that's when Bill made his move on me.
At first Bill was...
As he started in low, near my ankles, I thought:
"I can do this...I'm a grown man...I shouldn't...I shouldn't be afraid..."
But as Bill continued to tease my toes and feet...
I could tell that the pace was going to quicken shortly.
And...sure enough, a mere second or so later...
Bill was already at my knees.
Waves of excitement lapped at me.
I realized then...
My shorts were soaked.
Still taken aback by the speed of all of this...
..I let him continue.
And that's about the time my kids started screaming.
"HELP!! DADDY!! AAAAHHHH!!"
Because we were basically being washed out to fucking sea.
What were you thinking?
I'm totally into the vagina.
Well..not INTO it...
...it's not the third Saturday of the month yet.
Hurricane Bill had stationed itself about 270 miles off the coast of New England recently, and we decided to take the kids to see the waves.
You see...we heard that the beaches were only allowing people to go into the surf up to their ankles.
So we went up to our ankles.
Keep in mind that 'ankle height' on a normal person is roughly 'thigh high' when you're barely over five feet tall.
So...we went in only ankle deep.
Which was fine...
Until the fucking tsunami came.
('tsunami' is pronounced: BIG FUCKING WAVE)
Without warning, and my kids on each arm...
...a wave about 12 feet high crashed offshore...
...ultimately sending a wall of water over 3 feet high onto the beach.
My son is, like, 3-foot 6.
Honestly, I'm not much bigger.
The water crashed into us and pushed us back...trying to rip my kids from my arms.
I have never felt anything like it.
Luckily, I am really jacked and strong and built like a tiny Terminator but the one where he's still all covered in skin and muscle and not just the metal parts showing because that would be fucking freaky so I was able to hold both kids up and out of the water as their arms wrapped around mine.
I'm THAT awesome.
It's at this point, though, that the fucking wave hits the seawall behind us.
Actually..it hit in front of us...
Because at this point I've turned around and am trying to run back to dry land holding my two kids while screaming like a little girl.
Feel free to scratch that 'awesome' comment above.
The wave RETURNING to the sea was actually HIGHER than the one that washed in.
Fuck all that is fuckable. This is gonna suck ass.
Luckily, I was able to use my heat vision and evaporate all the water.
Wait..wait...nevermind. That's Superman.
Eh...same thing, really.
(yep...back to awesome)
With my kids still screaming and clinging to me, we managed to get back to shore.
My kids were drenched.
I was drenched.
My wife - who was actually ON dry land - was wet.
(..takes a fucking hurricane for that to happen...go figure..)
This sure is comfy!
And I picked a great day to wear dark underwear with beige shorts.
Having cheated certain death by water, we headed home.
Bill turned out to be a prick.
Guy blows into town...
Gets me all wet, then just...just...
I see tropical storm Erika is up next.
That bitch is mine.
On a more serious note, a few miles north of where we were, 20 people were washed into the Atlantic by a similar "rogue wave" of Hurricane Bill.
Sadly, one of these people - a 7 year old girl - died.
This post is NOT to make light of that tragedy.
Any my sincere condolences to the family of that little girl.