Bill Gets Me Wet | Mental Poo

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Bill Gets Me Wet


Please bear with me, as I'm still a little...

..well..

OVERWHELMED.

You see, recently...

I met Bill.

Oh.

Oh, Bill.

Honestly, I didn't think a long distance relationship would ever work between us.

Bill, you see, is from the Caribbean.

But he made his way up north, and when I finally decided to go see him, he was a mere 279 miles away.

Seems far...but...

But...

Bill intrigued me.

So I made the trip.

And..

We met.

I was impressed.


And that's when Bill made his move on me.

At first Bill was...

Gentle.

As he started in low, near my ankles, I thought:

"I can do this...I'm a grown man...I shouldn't...I shouldn't be afraid..."

But as Bill continued to tease my toes and feet...

I could tell that the pace was going to quicken shortly.

And...sure enough, a mere second or so later...

Bill was already at my knees.

Waves of excitement lapped at me.

I realized then...

Oh..OH GOD.

My shorts were soaked.


Still taken aback by the speed of all of this...

..I let him continue.

And that's about the time my kids started screaming.

"HELP!! DADDY!! AAAAHHHH!!"

Because we were basically being washed out to fucking sea.

Hurricane Bill.

Why?

What were you thinking?

Dude. Seriously.

I'm totally into the vagina.

Well..not INTO it...

...it's not the third Saturday of the month yet.

Stupid rules.


Hurricane Bill had stationed itself about 270 miles off the coast of New England recently, and we decided to take the kids to see the waves.

Mistake.

You see...we heard that the beaches were only allowing people to go into the surf up to their ankles.

So we went up to our ankles.

Keep in mind that 'ankle height' on a normal person is roughly 'thigh high' when you're barely over five feet tall.

I'm awesome.

So...we went in only ankle deep.

Which was fine...

Until the fucking tsunami came.

('tsunami' is pronounced: BIG FUCKING WAVE)

Without warning, and my kids on each arm...

...a wave about 12 feet high crashed offshore...

...ultimately sending a wall of water over 3 feet high onto the beach.

My son is, like, 3-foot 6.

Honestly, I'm not much bigger.


The water crashed into us and pushed us back...trying to rip my kids from my arms.

I have never felt anything like it.

EVER.

Luckily, I am really jacked and strong and built like a tiny Terminator but the one where he's still all covered in skin and muscle and not just the metal parts showing because that would be fucking freaky so I was able to hold both kids up and out of the water as their arms wrapped around mine.

That's right.

I'm THAT awesome.


It's at this point, though, that the fucking wave hits the seawall behind us.

Actually..it hit in front of us...

Because at this point I've turned around and am trying to run back to dry land holding my two kids while screaming like a little girl.

Feel free to scratch that 'awesome' comment above.

The wave RETURNING to the sea was actually HIGHER than the one that washed in.

Fuck all that is fuckable. This is gonna suck ass.

Luckily, I was able to use my heat vision and evaporate all the water.

Wait..wait...nevermind. That's Superman.

Eh...same thing, really.

(yep...back to awesome)



With my kids still screaming and clinging to me, we managed to get back to shore.

My kids were drenched.

I was drenched.

My wife - who was actually ON dry land - was wet.

(..takes a fucking hurricane for that to happen...go figure..)

Yay.

This sure is comfy!

And I picked a great day to wear dark underwear with beige shorts.

Having cheated certain death by water, we headed home.

Bill turned out to be a prick.

Guy blows into town...

Gets me all wet, then just...just...

LEAVES.

Jerk.

Oh well...

I see tropical storm Erika is up next.

That bitch is mine.

****************************

Sidebar:

On a more serious note, a few miles north of where we were, 20 people were washed into the Atlantic by a similar "rogue wave" of Hurricane Bill.

Sadly, one of these people - a 7 year old girl - died.

This post is NOT to make light of that tragedy.

Any my sincere condolences to the family of that little girl.

Moog out.

30 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

Dude, seriously? You went to the beach when a hurricane was forecasted? And you let your kids go in the water with you?

That Parent of the Year award is soooo yours.

Yeah ok. So I chase tornados with my kids in the car. You gotta make your own fun I say.

CatLadyLarew said...

I'm more into the homemade kind of disasters... not acts of nature. But I'm glad to hear that you had a great time getting all wet and lived to tell the tale. Good job rescuing the kids.

Narm said...

Fuck all that is fuckable? For guys like us, that doesn't leave much out.

Blonde Goddess said...

Wow Moog. You're lucky you didn't get sucked by Bob...you know...sucked out to sea.

KC said...

Holy Shit! Your hurricane totally beat my tornadoe's ass.

Ms. Case said...

wow...That is crazy! Glad to know you made it out Ok. Knowing me I would have freaked the fuck out and been the one person to be swallowed by the ocean.

M.J. said...

That was the best story ever. I especially enjoyed the illustrations.

The Peach Tart said...

You've got a long time between now and the 3rd Saturday of the month. Just saying.

Good story you nut.

Ed Adams said...

Ron White says, 'It's not THAT the wind is blowing, it's WHAT the wind is blowing".

I too almost lost a kid to a rogue wave. We coud see it coming far away. As it got closer, people started yelling. When it hit, we all put our hands up, but it was too late. He was half way around the stadium before I caught him.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Next time you have to be prepared! Swimmies and inner tubes...maybe something for the kids too.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Fantastic post, although I was reading it at work and starting to get more than a little flustered when the whole thing turned from a gay porno into a nerdy adventure story and I actually laughed out loud, scaring my co-workers in more ways than one. Glad you and your kids didn't get washed out to sea, because now I can look forward to reading about your next misadventure.

Mike said...

I had a similar experience with my bathtub.

Man, my home life is weird.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: We were just there to LOOk at them.

Not my fault it decided to attack us.

CatLady: Homemade disasters?

You've had my wife's cooking, I take it?

JUST KIDDING HON!!

(not really)

Narm: I know. I went broad spectrum there.

BG: At this point, I'll take what I can get and call it a good day.

KC: (making that into a bumper sticker)

Ms. Case: The sea SWALLOWS?!?

MJ: Thanks...did it just for you, my friend.

Just. For. You.

Peach: Thanks for rubbing that shit right in.

Ed: Dude. Awesome.

I fell for it.

Well done. You win nothing.

Bird Shit: ..and to think I had my floaties in the trunk!

MikeWJ: I'm confused on whether you were SAD it changed from gay porn or happy.

I don't want to know, actually.

Mike: OOH!! Do you play 'lighthouse' in the tub?

Watch out for the rocks!!

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

The Mooginator saves the day.

Don said...

Dude (since your into surfing now) dumb asses hit the beaches with boogy boards and surf boards when a tropical approaches. Morons! Looks like fun actually.

Malach the Merciless said...

You know what would get me wet? Moog paying my Bills

Gauche said...

I think this is the funniest blog of yours....seriously I could not stop laughing. my coworkers just stopped laughing like ten minutes ago, but I'm still laughing. Moog, I love you. Thanks for the laughter. My day was pretty crappy and this blog made it much much better.

Funnyrunner said...

well duh... it was HURRICANE. I think the high winds and nasty seas are why it's called a hurricane rather than a storm?

Nice of you to save your kids, though. I'm in awe.

Smileygirl said...

Wow that seems terrifying. Glad you were all ok. So sad about the little girl.

Mega8815 said...

Go Moog Go Moog!

moooooog35 said...

Chris: Like you had any doubts.

Don: There's a distinct difference between 'surfing' and 'drowning.'

FYI.

Malach: Looks like you won't need a towel, then.

Gauche: I'm here for you.

That will be $9.95.

Thanks in advance.

Funnyrunner: I thought it was just going to do what the Scorpions said and, you know, 'rock me' a little.

It didn't.

Smiley: Very. Scary. Shit.

Mega8815: YAY!

Wait.

It takes a near death experience to finally get a cheering section?

WTF.

Kellie said...

Supermoog saves the freaking day. Way to bring your kids into a hurricane. They should buy you a Father of the Year tee shirt. :)

Jill Pilgrim said...

Moooog, I was very disappointed with where this post ended up. I really thought it was going to be a story of your first penis centric sexual experience.

Ed Adams said...

His first?! Come on now! We all know it wouldn't be his first.

ettarose said...

mooooog, this reminds of my first. I may post about it. I was turned every which way, everywhere I looked was white stuff! Man what a day that was. You won the Craption Award, please come pick up your golden turd.

LiLu said...

I love when you get all sweet.

The typo makes it all the more sincere.

Also? I'm a little drunk and assholey right now.

Maybe a lot assholey.

Hell, here I come.

Brooke said...

Haha...Storm chasing is great. When I was a kid, tornado sirens meant, "Everyone run out front! If you can't see it, get in the car, and we'll go find it."

Your illustrations are quite impressive.

Malicious Intent said...

Can you say Dumb Fuck. Ok, now say it 20 times while spinning really fast, or until you puke. Jesus Mary and Christ...do you not understand the power of WATER? Or that it is as unpredictable as a woman on her rag? Or one not on her rag?

Now go out and pray to the Water Gods and ask for forgiveness and say that you will NEVER do that again. Ever. Ask your wife to spank you for me too, with a baseball bat, with nails.

No, I am not going to be easy on you. I am sorry, but I do this cause I care.

Malicious Intent said...

Also:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/09/06/massachusetts.sharks/index.html

And who knows how far up and down the coast those puppies are cruising.

meleah rebeccah said...

Your wife's embroidered underwear photo is hysterical.

But, you are ABSOLUTELY nuts for going anywhere near water that day!

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