The Names Have Been Changed Because I'm Mean | Mental Poo

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Names Have Been Changed Because I'm Mean


Lying.

It’s one of the greatest joys of parenthood.

Being able to fill your kids’ heads full of shit and watch them blatantly believe it is one of the main reasons I had children in the first place.

The other reason was to have someone mow my fucking lawn.

I hate doing that shit.

I've digressed.


(click these links to see why my kids think that raisins are people and why the wind took away our third child)

The other night at the dinner table my 8 year old daughter, Payton, started about how she wants to change her name.

Again.

Payton: “I hate my name.”

Me: “Because you can’t find a coffee mug or keychain with your name on it?”

Payton: “Yep.”

She 8 fucking years old.

Why she needs a fucking mug and keys at this stage in her life, I have no idea.

But I guess that explains the extra mileage on my car and the fucking Dunkin Donuts cups all over the goddamn floor when I got in it this morning.

Sneaky little shit.


Me: “Listen..when you’re 18, you can change your name to whatever you want.”

*pause

Payton: “Then start calling me Isabella.”

Isabella.

Now there’s a phenomenal choice.

Because I can’t go anywhere without seeing aisles and aisles of coffee mugs and keychains with ISABELLA engraved on them.

Brilliant.

Shit like this is why sometimes when I see stories about people who lock their kids in clothes dryers and closets and attics and shit, I go:

“Eh…I can see that.”


Back to the topic at hand:

Lying to your children as an enjoyable pastime.

Because my 6 year old son, Cam, is now joining the conversation.

Cam: “Can we really change our name?”

Me: “Yep. But you don’t have to worry. We’ve already put in the paperwork to change yours to Ezekiel.”

Cam: “Really?”

Me: “Yep. In first grade, you’ll be Ezekiel. Everyone will call you ‘Zeke.’”

His eyes light up.

I glance over at my wife, who is just staring at me.

Well..less staring and more glaring while shaking her head as she tries to figure out why she said ‘I do.’

I get that a lot.


Payton: “Cam..when you…”

I interrupt her, by whispering in her ear:

“No….no….Call him Zeke.”

Payton: “Zeke?”

Without missing a beat or even looking up from his plate…he says:

“Wazzup?”

Hook and line?

Meet sinker.

Awesome.


Me: “I’m just kidding buddy…your name is still Cam.”

* blink

He starts…

Crying.

He's....devastated.

Wife: “Great. See what you do?! Do you see what you do?!?”

Um…yeah.

I do.

I really do.

And just like Jimmy who cracks corn, I don’t care.

Excuse me now, I have to go mow my fucking lawn.

Seriously..I thought the kids would be doing this shit for me by now.

31 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

I firmly believe that since we endured childbirth and now have to feed and cloth them that we have free reign to lie our asses off for our own pleasure.

So what if my children think George Clooney is their father? Who's it hurting ... really?

Mike said...

Is 31 too old to be adopted by you?

I'd use the lying to build an imaginary world where everything I want come true.

Although that would look weird, you know, you being my dad and me carrying you in that snuggy kid carrier.

The Peach Tart said...

Your children are a constant source of amusement. Your wife must feel like she has 3 kids.

CatLadyLarew said...

You think that's fun... you'd be amazed how much fun it is lying to a whole class of kindergartners. They still think that Memorial Day is in honor of my birthday.

P.S. I'm changing my name to Esmerelda.

Ed Adams said...

I'm sure your wife lies to the kids too. She probably tells them you're not their REAL father. Hey, someones got to give them hope to live each day.

LiLu said...

Just find a murderer named Zeke and show it to him in gory detail, and be all, "You don't want to be like this guy, do you?" and Cam will be all "So he's in jail... isn't that, like, a big fort?" and you'll blink and be all "Uhhh, kinda" and then he'll go murder someone so he can get into jail, aka the Biggest Fort EVER.

God, you're such a bad father.

Skippy said...

This is so reminiscent of my family dinners when I was a child. I used to tell my sister she was adpoted and was named Penelope Margaret Ellen Iskibbile, after the little girl Penny in The Rescuers. My mother would join in, I would laugh, my sister would cry, my father would punish. (this as even more things I did to her I wrote about here: http://www.whenlifegivesyoulimes.com/2009/08/sibling-rivalry.html

Hope said...

They never have my name on mugs or pencils either. Not that I'm totally bitter or anything.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Bahaha! Poor kids. :) No one likes their name as a kid. Just gently tell them they can change their name if they choose but you get to pick the name, that should shut them up. I'm sure your daughter would LOVE to be called Beulah.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: I would think the answer to that question is "George Clooney."

Mike: Yes...31 is too old unless you bring your own fortune (BYOF).

Peach: I'm not sure how my wife feels because she's usually popping the anti-depressants.

Oh. I guess there's your answer.

CatLady: I know EXACTLY what it feels like to lie to a whole class of kindergartners.

I'm not a teacher, though.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Ed: You'd think the fact that they're black and I'm not would tip them off.

Lilu: Looks like someone skipped their Xanax today.

Wtf.

Skippy: ..and they would say that your name was something weird like "Skippy" or...um...nevermind.

Hope: No. But you DO have a poster with Obama's picture on that.

Which is okay if you're a Democrat and shit.

moooooog35 said...

Veggie: Great...now I'm going to be walking around all day going "Byooooolah...byoooolah..."

No reason.

Becky..AMHW said...

A cousin of my husband recently changed her name to something traditional...her chances of being a respected professional, wearing pantsuits and doing important things, after getting her law degree with the name "Bambi" inscribed on it is nil.

justjp said...

Just think of how you will react when your daughter picks a stripper name and dates a guy named Roscoe.

Stacie's Madness said...

ROFLMAO.

We can't find my daugther's name on anything either, we can, but apparently *I* misspelled her name.

whatever.

i told it's cause she's special. ;)

Maxie said...

Tell your kids at least they're not named maxie.

Although i do like the name isabella.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Okay, Moog, I must correct a flaw in your use of the "Jimmy crack corn" metaphor.

Initially, it made me laugh. Great reference, love the simile approach, but you're misinterpreting the original lyric.

The song goes, "Jimmy crack corn and I don't care." It isn't JIMMY that doesn't care, it's the narrator. Jimmy, I'd assume, does care (probably does crack, too, but that's beside the point) about his corn.

Aside from that, though, funny shit as always.

Olly said...

Giving your kids unusual names is bad enough - it's when parents don't think how the first name sounds with the last name. My kid's graduating class had a nice young lady in it named "Gemma Tellier" Of course "Tellier" of the french pronounciation sounds like Telliay. Add a bad P.A. system and it came out sounding like her name was "genitalia". My husband giggled like a 10 year old for the rest of that day about that! I think I'd rather go by Zeke...

moooooog35 said...

Becky: WAIT A MINUTE.

A lawyer?!

Are you saying the world is now one short a stripper?

Gyp.

Justjp: Roscoe? Am I moving to Kentucky?

TELL ME, ORACLE! TELL ME WHAT MY FUTURE HOLDS!!

Stacie: Yeah..try finding 'Rodney.'

Seriously. Try it.

I need a new keychain.

Maxie: Isabella can be yours for a nominal fee.

Believe it or not, I wrote 'nominal feel' there first.

I should have left it.

Chris: Great explanation.

And, just like Jimmy who cracks corn, I don't care.

See what I did there?

Olly: Somewhere...out there...is a woman nammed Jenny Talia.

We must find her and exploit her at all costs.

GO LIKE THE WIND!

ettarose said...

Just think how many key chains have the name Gage, or Chance on them. That is a crying offense! Lying to your kids is the best ever! It is almost as funny as the time I bent and then pushed my baby son's legs toward his belly and he farted. Oh my Gawd there was no stopping me then. I finally had to stop doing that when his high school friends made too much fun of him. Good times.

Kellie said...

I can't wait to have a kid so I can lie to it! So fun! Also, our friend really does have a son named Zeke. But not Ezekiel. Just Zeke. I thought it was weird.

Deb said...

When my son was 8 I told him his father was an alien. I then told him I had eyes in the back of my head and I'd turn around and part the back of my hair and tell him to look closely as I walked backwards towards him. He was too scared to really look and used to run from the room screaming. Loved those bonding sessions.

Malach the Merciless said...

"And Kids, if you Mother doesn't stop talking back to the MAN of the house, guess what happens".

BACKHAND!

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

this is perhaps one of the few times i have ever laughed out loud reading a post. comedy gold, my friend, comedy gold. i am now a verdant follower, whatever the hell that is

Collette said...

The lying is great until those damn friends of theirs tell them that the tooth fairy is just mom & dad & then they want the teeth for a necklace & more money.
Oh hell, my name is spelled wrong, too. Should be 1 "L".
Anyway, stop by my blog & pick up your award. (not the greatest dad award)

moooooog35 said...

Etta: Wow. That brings back memories of my wedding.

Kellie: I wanted 'Ezekiel' as my Confirmation name so people could call me 'Zeke.' My father chased me around the kitchen table trying to grab the form from my hand.

I never did get the name.

Parents suck.

Deb: He'll thank you some day in the form of therapy bills.

Malach: Your house sounds quaint.

Speaking: You're seriously going to make me Google 'verdant?'

Colette: See? I did it with one 'L'...took me 1/2 second. Not sure why you haven't figured that out yet.

BrazenBareToe said...

Ha. This is sooo the reason I don't have children. They would be so messed up. My brother and I got our younger sister to beleive she was supposed to be born first and that her name was supposed to be Lucy. She totally bought it.

Funny T-Shirts said...

"Are you gullible - find out for £1" is just too funny! I'm printing that on a t-shirt, if you don't mind!

LBluca77 said...

I love the name Payton. It's in my top 5 girl names I would pick if I ever had a daughter. Although it might be a problem since my last name starts with a U the poor kid could get the initials P.U.

car hire italy said...

I want come true.

Although that would look weird, you know, you being my dad and me carrying you in that snuggy kid carrier.

Gauche said...

teehee.

seriously? Isabella? hmmm....interesting choice, but seeing as she's your daughter I wasx expecting something a lot...weirder somehow. good luck with that, Moog

singh said...

This is so reminiscent of my family dinners when I was a child. I used to tell my sister she was adpoted and was named Penelope Margaret Ellen Iskibbile, after the little girl Penny in The Rescuers. My mother would join in.

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