Shaved for Her Displeasure - Part Two (The Unveiling of Fabio) | Mental Poo

Monday, September 14, 2009

Shaved for Her Displeasure - Part Two (The Unveiling of Fabio)

Today...'Shaved for Her Displeasure...PART TWO'

For Part One..click here.

(insert Underdog theme song here)

When we last left our hero...

(my hero name would be 'SuperFast Sex Man'...I'm not proud of this)

..he had just left his stress test with a partially shaven chest.

Although, really, I don't remember any of that happening.

All I know is they gave me a soda to drink and then I felt woozy and I don't remember much but now my chest is partially shaved and my ass is seriously killing me and what the fuck is this on my shorts...lube!?!?

Word to the wise:

NEVER schedule your stress test at the downtown YMCA.


You're welcome.

Regardless, with my chest now looking similar to this:



LOOK OUT, LADIES!!

...I decided to just shave the rest of it off.

So, shirt off..

(Hey...even with chest mange I look GOOOOOOOOD)

..I squatted myself over the toilet like I had just spent the night trying to keep up doing shots with Lindsey Lohan.

And fired up my trimmer.

As I moved the trimmer up and down and sideways...

...glob after glob of...

OHMYGOD OHMYSHIT I JUST RAN STRAIGHT OVER MY NIPPLE!!

Sorry.

Holy crapshit.

That fucking hurt.

So good.

I'm doing that again!


Where was I?

Oh..yeah...shaving my chest.

..glob after glob of chest hair cascaded into the shitter.

So, with 14 pounds of freshly shaven hair floating around in my toilet...

LOOK! I MADE A JESUS FACE!

(totally posting that on Ebay)

..I came out and looked into the mirror to behold my fresh new look.


* blink

Um.

Oh.

You see...I'm in good shape.

I work out 5 days a week...two of those days are ab workouts.

(sitting down eating Oreos constitutes an ab workout, right?)

But, you know...all this hair on my chest and stomach covers all that shit up.

Woman with flashlight: "Hey...thought you did abs a lot...where's your six-pack?"

Well...my friend with the pulsating sphincter, it's right here behind all this hair on my magical tummy forest.*

* machete not included

So..what did I see?

Well...here's what I EXPECTED to see:


Nice.

But here's what I got:


Well that's just fucking awesome.

Realizing that it was now too late to put the hair back on...

(Is it a sin to desecrate the face of a "toilet hair Jesus?" Discuss.)

..I headed downstairs.

My wife was on the phone.

I came down, and stood shirtless in the kitchen...waiting for her to notice me.

This is actually tougher than it sounds, because she typically tries to avoid looking anywhere in my general direction.

Here's how that went:

Wife (on the phone): "...and that's when she said that OHMYGOD DID YOU SHAVE YOUR CHEST?!?! YOU SHAVED YOUR CHEST?!? OH...OH IT'S HORRIBLE!! WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?"

Thanks, hon.

Thanks for doing that while you're still on the phone.

Jesus H. Christ.

So, she gets off the phone finally...head in her hands McCauley Culkin style...and stares at me.


Wife: "Oh my God. Oh my God. Why would you do that?"

Me: "Well..I don't know. Why? You don't like it?"

* pause

..and then..

Wife: "I can't believe you did that."

* pause

Wife: "It was the ONE thing I actually liked."

Aaaaand...

Scene.


Awesome.

I know that's not what she meant (at least I tell myself this to keep from crying)...

...but nonetheless...

I've decided to try to fish out this hair and reattach it.

Sorry, Toilet Jesus (TJ).

I know not what I've done.

22 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

I got my hair cut this weekend and the chick kept talking and cutting and talking and cutting. I feel your pain. I'm looking for a good wig store on the net this morning. Want anything?

Ed Adams said...

How about wearing a shirt?...Just a thought.
I bet you could get one with a picture of hair on it.

The Peach Tart said...

Maybe you could attach a merkin to your chest.

justjp said...

Lol, I had a hair mishap with some nair the other day. It was not cool.

meleah rebeccah said...

Wow. I thought you of all people would be able to pull off the shaved chest look! Yanno, being that you AB work out consist of eating Oreo's.

Becky..AMHW said...

See...I dunno why some men think their body hairlessness is better...and going bald on top is horrible.

Bald head is sexy. Brillo pad chest is sexy.

Stress tests. Getting one instead of ignoring that shit. Way sexy.

Blonde Goddess said...

Moog, we all know that you shaved to hide from the Moogfoot wackos who discovered the picture of you that BuzzardBilly took.
We will still know the truth, regardless of your naked, hairless appearance.

P.S. Send pictures. I'm out of porn. Thanks.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: They sell chest wigs?

Ed: Wear a shirt? What the Hell kind of cockamamie idea is that?

Ha.

I said cockamamie.

Peach: You're going to make me Google 'merkin,' aren't you.

justjp: But how do you look in your short shorts now?

Meleah: My hotness is matched only by my homeliness.

Becky: You need to hide your desire for me a little better.

Nevermind. Don't.

Thanks in advance.

BG: I'll send pictures when you send money.

I'm out of that.

Don said...

You're lucky that hair wasn't in your ears. Ever tried shaving that shit? It's a bitch! Next to shaving one's teeth that is.

CatLadyLarew said...

I'm so glad you got a picture of the toilet hair Jesus before it got flushed. That's going to be valuable some day.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

This is one fucking hilarious post, from the nipple pain to Jesus in the toilet (you're going to hell for that, but I might be going there with you because I think it's OK to flush Our Savior if He's going to appear in the can) to shaving off one thing your wife likes about you. I'm laughing out loud right now. Great post!

LiLu said...

Oh, your wife's an Open Mouth, Insert Foot too?! We must be related.

Martha Friend of Jesus said...

I would like to say, on behalf of all true Christians out there, that we do not stand for such blasphemy and you are now on our watch list. The Lord Jesus Christ would never appear in a toilet. It is disgraceful and discourteous not to mention blasphemous to suggest he would. Also he would not approve of the bad words and suggestive innuendo on this blog and would punish you as a follower of Satan. He would smite you down with his almighty phallus possibly by putting it inside your anus to drive home his message of how sinners must repent.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Do not wear a shirt when it starts to grow back in. Chest stubble...mmmmmmmm..lol!

Un[Censored] said...

Toilet Hair Jesus; LOL! Who would have thought...he's on your toast, on your pancakes, in the clouds, on some dude's ass (birthmark) and now, he's in the toilet.
They've seen Mary on a garage door...

The wife is studying double exposures in her photo class and was planning on putting Jesus' face in the toilet, as well. Great minds, I tell ya.

What will they think of next.

Oh, that's right...Martha Friend of Jesus just professed that Jesus is going to ass rape you...

Malicious Intent said...

Perhaps you can shave the hair off of the top of your feet and toes to help fill in the spots where you are missing hair...I mean the hospital didn't give you back what they took, right? And surely there has to be enough hair on your toes to fill in, right?

Try crazy glue...should hold on until the real shit grows in.

nonamedufus said...

You had me at Superfast Sexy Man! Hey, while I'm here, stop by my place and pick up your stuff. You forgot to collect it Saturday.

Gauche said...

awww!!

Can I suggest seriously going at your chest with a exfoliating shower gel? Look, I know your wife is all bummed out you lost the chest hair....but fear not. It's going to grow back...extra super thick. I mean it. Your forest of chest hair with soon become a wild jungle if you will....a Chewbacca mass of hair that can and will trap and devour small animals.

So don't worry. It'll be back to normal in a couple of weeks...then all you'll have to worry about is getting a good conditioner.

Malach the Merciless said...

Did you smack her around? I would've

Jill Pilgrim said...

Toilet Jesus forgives you my son.

moooooog35 said...

Don: For ear hair, I suggest using small rodents. They get right in there like nobody's business.

True story.

CatLady: I may snake the drain to try to get him back.

MikeWJ: Crazy Jesus Lady (see above) may disagree with your flushing opinion.

LiLu: Oh...insert FOOT. You mean I've been doing it wrong this whole time?!?

Martha: You mean I'd get gay action in Heaven?

But is the lube comment okay? Because I was worried about the anal lube comment.

"The Almighty Phallus" would be a great name for a rock band.

BirdShit: It was 40 degrees here this morning.

I fear that going out without a shirt may cause me to impale small animals with my nipples.

Un[Censored]: "Double Exposure Ass Rape Toilet Jesus"

Man...rock band names are just flying off the shelves today.

MI: Sounds like you speak from experience.

nonamedufus: I left shit at your place? Is it inflatable? Because I've been looking for her for days.

Gauche: Extra super thick.

Kinda defeats the purpose of shaving the thing, doesn't it?

Malach: I don't smack my wife around.

She is macho.

Jill: Does that make the Ty-D Bol man a disciple?

Discuss.

hemoroider said...

a while ago I actually saw a similar chest at the pool, but it was on his back. Me and my friend was just like..what??

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