The Blindski Leading the Blindski | Mental Poo

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Blindski Leading the Blindski

FYI - Before I start, I need to confess that I made a minor publishing snafu this morning, resulting in a couple of people commenting on a post that is now scheduled sometime around the Apocalypse...

..or when 'balloon boy's' dad gets a reality show.

Which I think are the same thing.

My bad.

ONWARD WITH THE CORRECT POST!!

*************************
"Silently making fun of the blind,
It's a good thing."

- Martha Stewart


*********************

Actually...that is less a direct quote from Martha Stewart and more of a quote from my blow up doll named "Martha Stewart."

"Latex blow jobs, it's a good thing."

"Mmmmffff..mmfffff..."

- my blow up Martha Stewart doll

There.

That's more like it.

Wait...

Where was I?

Oh...yes...

Blind People.

There's a guy in my office who sits two cubes down who is blind as a bat.

For the sake of brevity, he shall hereafter be referred to as "Blind-O."

I'm a sensitive guy.


I swear to God this guy has three monitors on his desk, and the magnification is so high that the mouse cursor thing on it looks like a fucking street sign.



Holy fuckshit.

Sure you can see that, Mr. Magoo?



You know how they say when one of your senses is dulled, your others become more acute?

Well..that's this guy.

Except instead of his other senses, it's just his GODDAMN VOLUME THAT'S BEEN CRANKED UP.

Seriously.

They should use this guy on the front lines in Afghanistan and just have him walk Al Qaida through troubleshooting their network.

Blind-O: "WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS FIRST CHECK THAT THE..."

Jimmy Bin Laden: "INFIDEL TOO LOUD! TOO LOUD! WE SURRENDER! OSAMA'S IN THE BATHROOM PERFORMING CUNNILINGUS ON A GOAT!"




So, the other day, Blind-O and this other asshole who chews with his mouth open across from me (we'll call him 'Chewy') decide to have a conversation...

...right beside my desk.

Now, I share a cube with my friend, Kristin.

We sit RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER...but I sit on the aisle.

Blind-O is right next to me.

Chewy: "So..you just got back from Russia?"

Blind-O: "YES! JUST GOT BACK FROM MOSCOW! WHAT AN AMAZING PLACE!...THEY.."

* eardrums pop




Apparently, Blind-O was sent to Russia for some tech support job.

And now he can't stop discussing yelling about it at the top of his goddamn lungs.

Ugh.

I'm getting a migraine.

That prompts this Instant Message exchange between me and Kristin (remember, we're IN THE SAME CUBE):

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midgetmanofsteel: ok, dude, get away from my fucking desk now

Kristin: throw something at him...he can't see who did it anyway

midgetmanofsteel: lol

Kristin: wait...we sent a blind guy on a trip to Russia?

Kristin: or did i hear that wrong

midgetmanofsteel: maybe that's where he thinks he went

midgetmanofsteel: probably went to Vermont or some shit

midgetmanofsteel: looked at a big maple and thought it was the Kremlin

*****************

Now that I'm rereading this, the funniest part of this conversation is:

Kristin: we sent a blind guy on a trip to Russia?

Because what self-respecting company would send a blind guy anywhere to do anything other than play piano or some shit?

EXACTLY.

Like I said.

I'm sensitive.

Or, as Blind-O would say:

I'M SENSITIVE!

Moog out.

30 comments:

adrienzgirl said...

I already commented and it has been retired till...oh yeah, when hell freezes over. And I got nothing nearly as funny for this....

WAIT...WTF? You named your blow up bitch, MARTHA FUCKING STEWART?

Dude, you got serious, serious, issues!

Vodka Logic said...

FUNNY

Mike said...

My brother in law is blind and he's in computer tech support.

Although he's quiet so it can't be him.

If it was him, I'd have to drive down there and beat your insensitive ass.

Just kiddng. That post was AWESOME!

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

now what you need is a blind blow up doll that sucks loud - now that would be something

you've won again - pat, pat, pat

Becky..AMHW said...

My mother in law, my husband's grandmother who raised him, whom I love, went to Russia last year.

So, they are sending blind people and really old ladies to Russia.

Cold War's over bucko...neener neener...we won!

KIKI said...

I laugh so hard, by the time it's time for me to comment I have lost all my wit.

You've out done yourself again.

JenJen said...

You always make me spit out whatever's in my mouth when I read you.
My favorite part?
You know how they say when one of your senses is dulled, your others become more acute?

Well..that's this guy.

Except instead of his other senses, it's just his GODDAMN VOLUME THAT'S BEEN CRANKED UP.

Gauche said...

nice.

but now I'm curious about the balloon boy post......curse you moog!

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Can you imagine being blind guys neighbor when he's messing around with his Martha Stewart blow up doll? The noises you would hear....ewe!

Me-Me King said...

Get this...my ex-husband trained a deaf guy as a telephone installer. For real.

Dial tone deaf!

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

Does Kristin blog? I like her thinking!

I had a blind English teacher in High School. Yeah, I got thrown out of class a LOT.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

That is classic! Love the texting!

moooooog35 said...

Adrienz: What's wrong with Martha Stewart? She's got giant cans AND can cook!

Jeez.

Vodka: Stop it, I'm blushing!

Mike: 'Brother' I can see the beating...'brother in law' not so much.

Speaking: Who says I DON'T have one like that?

Becky: Their ace in the hole is a blind elderly lady...but I think that's all hush hush.

KIKI: I can help you find your wit for $85/hour.

I accept PayPal.

JenJen: I had no idea you could spit out strangers' penises.

Gauche: OOOh! I made a teaser!

Bird Shit: ..then you could tape it and play it out your windows on Halloween.

Eerie shit right there my friend.

Me-Me: How the hell did that work?

HELLO? HELLO? I THINK YOUR LINE IS STILL DEAD!

Going60: Dude..search this blog for 'Kristin.'

You've been warned.

Lee: We're an evil couple.

Sue said...

My first question was the same as Kristin's... "what? sent a blind guy to Russia?' I wondered how he described stuff - was it by smell?

CatLadyLarew said...

So what you're saying is if I gouge out my eyes and talk really LOUD, someone will give me a free trip to Russia?

Hickory the Wonder Dog is sitting here amazed that I can laugh out loud and go EWWWW! at the same time (at picture of ruptured eardrum... here I come, hell.)

Maxie said...

You are missing a crucial part of this post... why did he say it was an amazing place?

did it smell good?

was the food awesome?

was it furry? what. I heard blind people are really into textures.

Ed Adams said...

Excellent.

Making fun of the blind on a blog is like making fun of the Amish on the radio....


They'll never know.

moooooog35 said...

Sue: I just picture him feeling his way all over the Kremlin.

CatLady: I'm not sure if gouging your eyes out and talking really loud is your key to getting to Russia...but hey, worth a shot, right?

Maxie: I don't know why it was amazing...I'm guessing it was just really really dark.

Ed Adams: Unless this shit gets translated into Braille somehow.

Christina_the_wench said...

I'm translating this into braille right now. You're soo gonna get your ass kicked by a blind guy.

Michele said...

OMG!! I seriously just pee'd in my pants reading this post!!!

You're sooo freakin' funny. So glad I found you on here!!

LiLu said...

For some reason I just had an image of playing "whack a mole" with a bunch of blind people. Then I realized it wouldn't be any fun because they can't duck.

We should start a "sensitive" group on Facebook.

carissajaded said...

teeheehee You make me feel a lot better for all of the times I've made fun of my deaf ex-boyfriend.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

In grad-school, we got to move into a new lab when our group got big enough.

One of the hoods (where chemists work) was outfitted with braille over all the knobs and switches.

Braille...for a blind kid...doing chemistry.

Yeah, nothing could go wrong there...

Don said...

I have a good friend that is legally blind. Even has to have a seeing eye dog now. He's not obnoxious and loud though. He's still as mean as he was when we were growing up. He's the guy that taught me that quart beer bottles fly more accurately if you toss 'em like a football.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: Sure..unless, you know, I MOVE.

Michele: Welcome! Now..go clean yourself up.

Lilu: They're not paralyzed..they can duck.

They just don't know WHEN.

Carissa: What? WHAT?

Mjenks: how do you spell 'BOOM' in Braille?

Don: OMG does the seeing eye dog bring him beer and shit?

Blind guys are so lucky.

You know..about the dog. Not the whole 'not being able to see' thing.

Knucklehead said...

The good news is that if you weren't already going to burn in Hell, this post probably wouldn't put you over the top.

The bad news, of course, is that you're going to burn in Hell.

Malach the Merciless said...

Man you should really do some volunteering for Special Olympics

Unfinished Rambler said...

Thank goodness for your sensitivity. If there's one thing I've always appreciated about you, it is THAT. :)

Canadu said...

Loud blind guy is obvious Russian spy. He goes to Moscow for tech support job? Really meeting brass at Kremlin for debriefing. Loudness, blindness is just a cover. Keep careful eye on this one.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Apparently, like this:

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