Christopher Columbus Didn't Leave Me Squat | Mental Poo

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Christopher Columbus Didn't Leave Me Squat

File this under:

"Another reason my children will need therapy."

Aside from, you know, the obvious.

This past Monday was 'Columbus Day' here in the United States.

That prompted this exchange between me and my son on Sunday:

Me: "You don't have school tomorrow..it's Columbus Day."

Cam: "Tomorrow is Columbus Day?"

Me: "Yes..so you know what that means, don't you?"

Cam: "No."

Me: "That means that today is Columbus Eve.  Tonight, when you're asleep, Christopher Columbus will come into everyone's house through the garage and leave all the good little boys and girls little toy ships."

Cam (eyes wide): "Really!?"

Me: "No. Not really."

I love that shit.

Kids are so stupid.



You should hear what I told him they get on Labor Day.

My wife is not amused.

Moog out.

41 comments:

Mike said...

You remind me of my father. Well, with the horrible mental abuse. My father isn't a midget and according to his hooker, he's penis is of normal size.

Like i fucking needed to know that. The things hookers scream out when you're screwing them, you know?

Vodka Logic said...

lol Mike.

And your kids must be younger than mine cuz they try and pull that shit on me now.

Good luck in the future.

Travis said...

I feel like you should know something.

I now think of you when The Missus and I try to make babies.

I think about how I'll torment them like you.

Get the hell out of my sex thoughts, moog.

miss. chief said...

Hah! I love using sarcasm on children. It's so funny when they don't get it.

Ed Adams said...

I lie to kids all the time.

I figure it gets them ready for adulthhod.

Me-Me King said...

The least you could have done is bought yourself a GPS device for Columbus Day...."see, kids!".

moooooog35 said...

Mike: "..according to his hooker..."

Yeah. Okay, "hooker."

Vodka: So..did Christopher leave you anything good?

Next up, the Great Pumpkin!

Travis: I now must tell YOU something.

I really didn't need the visual of you trying to make babies.

Miss. Chief: Sarcasm is the least of their worries in my house.

Ed: ..and they get into your 'ice cream truck' without a second thought.

Me-Me: GPS? I'm a guy.

We ARE GPS.

Christina_the_wench said...

Take this one step further. Start making up holidays. Tell the kids that each holiday requires a gift be presented to the head of the household. Wait. Your wife might get tired of all those gifts. Nevermind.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Ah, good. I'm not the only one who is an asshole to his kids.

adrienzgirl said...

WTF is wrong with all you dads? You guys get training somewhere for this? You just passing along the shit your daddies did to you? SICK! I tell you it is SICK! Don't get me wrong, it's funny and I laugh, but I laugh at all sorts of inappropriate shit, like midgets, and pedestrians being struck by moving vehicles, and the list goes on.

Don said...

I'm still waiting for Thanksgiving. I was REALLY thankful for the last one. She was fine!

Mike said...

moog - well, it wasn't your mom.... ?

CatLadyLarew said...

Okay, now I'm pissed... there was not little toy ship under my pillow this morning! What's up with that?

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Wait a minute, are you saying they don't celebrate Columbus Day everywhere else in the world?

Huh.

I mean, if Columbus didn't really discover America, didn't he also not really discover lots of places?

shine said...

I hate Columbus Day.

That is all.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I do this shit all the time. My kids hate it, but I love it. I can't stop doing it, in fact, because it's so funny. I'm glad I'm not the only one, although my gladness is tempered by the fact that the only other one I know is you. Just kidding. Not really. Yes, I am kidding.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am laughing my ass off and my daughter is like what's so funny. She didn't get her ship, it has already sailed.

Coffeypot said...

Christopher Columbus, the Father of Slavery in America (FSA.) So he never reached America...Still...

jessicabold said...

Holy. Shit.

My husband is not allowed to know you exist.

Pranks? On kids? That's the only reason he wants them.

http://booshy.wordpress.com

JenJen said...

see you in hell my friend.

Malicious Intent said...

I really want to hear your explanation about the whole Easter, bunny, egg thing. I mean, rabbits....eggs...a cornucopia of sexual suggestive in poor taste your wife is going to put you in jail bad jokes right there.

My kid, already in therapy. I am so much better than you. Ha!

moooooog35 said...

Christina: HA! You said 'head.'

Mjenks: The sheer joy I get out of being an asshole to my kids is one of the reasons I had them in the first goddamn place.

adrienzgirl: You laugh at midgets?

Me too.

Every time I look in the mirror.

Life is hard.

Don: Ooohh...just imagine what Yum Kippur will bring!!

Yum yum yum.

Mike: My mom is dead.




Just kidding.

No, really. She is.

Asshole.



Just kidding again.

CatLady: Obviously, you didn't do the thong dance.

Duh.

Nanny: Didn't...America...other places...discover...

..history..

My head hurts now.

Shine: Wow. You think you'd save that anger for Arbor Day or some other really obvious hateful holiday.

Jeez.

MikeWJ: We should write a book!

Just kidding. No I'm not.

Yes I am.

Lee: GOLD!! Comment = gold.

You are my new hero.

Coffeepot: Father of Slavery in America?

I thought that was the guy who directed 'Roots.'

WTF.

Jessicabold: I'm totally calling him tonight and telling him about me.

Wait...forget I said that.

What's your number and your husband's name?

No reason.

JenJen: I'll be the short guy with the marshmallows.

MI: Your kid is in therapy and you should be in a Microsoft class learning how to use the grammar check.

Seriously. What the fuck was that supposed to say in English?

Knucklehead said...

Yeah, but that's not even taking into account Presidents' Day Eve 1994 when a red-coated Bill Clinton came down the chimney.

JenJen said...

I like my marshies extra crispy on the outside and ooey gooey on the inside. Thanks.

Malach the Merciless said...

What you should of told them in Columbus would comeby and beat the crap out of them until they were good Christians

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

I just spent all day Sunday in Little Italy in San Diego...they would kick your butt from here to...to...the other side of the world. Where the hell was he headed again? They had cool models of the ships though and some incredible food.

kyslp said...

Poor kid. (HA)

Gauche said...

go make a little paper boat and leave it in his room to see what he does.....

moooooog35 said...

Knucklehead: I thought he only brought cigars to Monica.

JenJen: I like my marshmallows like my men..

Wait. What?

Malach: Like I can say anything about being a good Christian.

Hold on...I hear thunder...

Happy Hour: Little Italy. Were there little Italians there? Was it like an Italian dwarf festival?

DID YOU TAKE PICTURES?!?!?

kyslp: You have no idea.

Gauche: YES! There's the cruelty I'm looking for in a general audience!

LiLu said...

Can I borrow one of them for a while? The only way I can fuck with my cats is with a laser pointer, and that gets old realllll quick when you have more than 3 brain cells rattling around.

Bamboo said...

Your poor kids. One day they are going to catch on and the revenge will be insane! Haha

Maryx said...

Yes. Poor kid.
Hilarious though! Sounds like something I'd do to my nieces and nephew. HAHA!!

You Go Moog!!

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i can't believe your kid got the day off school for this ridiculous holiday of a person who didn't even discover america

Malicious Intent said...

I was speaking in Umpa Lumpa ....so you could keep up.

Wait no...had no coffee yet. Nevermind.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

AAAHHHH kids.... so easily fooled... You're totally screwed when they get older.

Toe said...

So what do you tell them they get for Vetrans Day?

dana said...

Just remember, that kid is the one who will be choosing your nursing home one day.

Bonehead said...

When she was young, I used to tell my daughter all kinds of ridiculous things just to piss off her mother. It worked! Now my second, much younger wife is often the unsuspecting victim of the stories my daughter and I lay on her.

Jeniel- what's wrong with mommy? said...

You are hilarious! Thanks for grossing me out and making me laugh all at once! This is why I am giving you the Best Blog Award.
Find it here:
http://whatswrongwithmommy.blogspot.com/2009/10/yay-i-got-me-award-j-lovely-mrs.html

moooooog35 said...

LiLu: You fuck your cats with a laser pointer?

You're friggin' creepy, lady.

Bamboo: I hope to be on an island with Claudia Schiffer by then.

Maryx: Once in a while I feel bad for my kids, but then I get over it.

Speaking: What is with this not discovering America shit? Has my whole life been a LIE?!?!

MI: You need help. And that's coming from ME.

Bird Shit: We've stopped feeding them in an attempt to stop the aging process. They're both down to size smalls!

Toe: This may take some thought.

I'm thinking for Veteran's Day they get to waterboard someone after racial profiling them.

Awesome.

Dana: (see 'island and Claudia Schiffer' comment above)

Bonehead: I'm actually intrigued by this 'second wife' idea.

So..you're a Mormon?

Jeniel: Thanks woman! It's up on my Awards link now.

Next time, just send money.

meleah rebeccah said...

Are you saying its wrong to lie to our kids? Cuz I do THAT at least once a day!

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