If I was a pirate, I'd swab all the girls' poopdecks.
I'm a fucking poet.
Let me explain . . .
My five-year-old son was invited to a birthday party for one of his "friends."
I put 'friends' in quotes there...
...because when you’re four, you define a 'friend' as:
Not sure why I needed a bullet for that, but whatever.
If the other child is physically in the same room, this becomes their “best friend.”
When you’re older, you define a friend as “someone who doesn’t violate your sphincter without your consent.”
At least that’s how I define mine.
I have no friends.
They never, ever ask for my consent.
No, guys. THE ROOFIES DON'T HELP DULL THE PAIN!!
So, this party happened at the place where my son used to do gymnastics.
At five years old, gymnastics is defined as:
"The art of running around yelling ‘I’m Spiderman!’ and making shooting ‘choom – choom' noises while sometimes doing somersaults . The somersaults are usually done by accident.”
SUCK IT, WEBSTER'S!
A room full of five year olds is akin to being at a local shelter for homeless dogs:
1) There’s lots of noise
2) There’s lots of chaos
3) Sometimes, there’s poo on the floor
Actually...now I'm a little nostalgic for my college dorm room.
Good times. Good times.
At one point in the party, the birthday boy exclaimed:
“I'm Captain Jack Sparrow . . . Pirate!”
Isn’t that movie, like, rated fucking PG-13?
Didn’t I see people getting run-through with swords?
Doesn't everyone who sees that just want to bend Kiera Knightley over their knees and stick something battery powered in her toolie?
Didn't I see people getting run-through with swords?
TOTALLY appropriate for a four year old.
Nice job there, Captain Jack’s dad.
Here . . . why don’t you babysit my son for a bit.
However, please refrain from giving him TOO MUCH alcohol – because sometimes he takes his pants off.
And, really . . . none of us want to see that.
Kid's got a huge wiggly. I have no idea where he got it from.
I suspect the UPS Guy.
So while they’re playing “pirate,” one of the little girls looks at me and says:
Girl: “I’m his mate!”
Me: “WHORE! ! ”
Shit like this is why my wife insists on going to the birthday parties.
Girl: “I’m Captain Jack’s first mate!”
Well . . . really . . . how many mates can he have had?
I mean, kid's only five.
Granted, I was all up in Melissa Limpfert's shit by the time I was four, but that's me.
Wait a minute.
You’re a PIRATE mate.
Nevermind the whole 'whore' thing. Total misunderstanding.
For a second I had this twisted vision of “Caligula meets Barney.”
It was NOT pretty.
Especially the “I love you, you love me” montage.
I mean, really . . . that Barney is HUNG.
I suspect the UPS guy here, too.
"Delivering packages," my ass.
Monday, October 12, 2009