Jack Sparrow and the Class-3 Felony | Mental Poo

Monday, October 12, 2009

Jack Sparrow and the Class-3 Felony

If I was a pirate, I'd swab all the girls' poopdecks.


I'm a fucking poet.

Let me explain . . .

My five-year-old son was invited to a birthday party for one of his "friends."

I put 'friends' in quotes there...

...because when you’re four, you define a 'friend' as:

1) anyone

Not sure why I needed a bullet for that, but whatever.

If the other child is physically in the same room, this becomes their “best friend.”

When you’re older, you define a friend as “someone who doesn’t violate your sphincter without your consent.”

At least that’s how I define mine.

I have no friends.

They never, ever ask for my consent.


I've digressed.

So, this party happened at the place where my son used to do gymnastics.

At five years old, gymnastics is defined as:

"The art of running around yelling ‘I’m Spiderman!’ and making shooting ‘choom – choom' noises while sometimes doing somersaults . The somersaults are usually done by accident.”


A room full of five year olds is akin to being at a local shelter for homeless dogs:

1) There’s lots of noise

2) There’s lots of chaos

3) Sometimes, there’s poo on the floor

Actually...now I'm a little nostalgic for my college dorm room.

Good times. Good times.

At one point in the party, the birthday boy exclaimed:

“I'm Captain Jack Sparrow . . . Pirate!”


Isn’t that movie, like, rated fucking PG-13?

Didn’t I see people getting run-through with swords?

Doesn't everyone who sees that just want to bend Kiera Knightley over their knees and stick something battery powered in her toolie?

I mean...um...

Didn't I see people getting run-through with swords?

TOTALLY appropriate for a four year old.

Nice job there, Captain Jack’s dad.

Here . . . why don’t you babysit my son for a bit.

However, please refrain from giving him TOO MUCH alcohol – because sometimes he takes his pants off.

And, really . . . none of us want to see that.

Kid's got a huge wiggly. I have no idea where he got it from.

I suspect the UPS Guy.

So while they’re playing “pirate,” one of the little girls looks at me and says:

Girl: “I’m his mate!”

Me: “WHORE! ! ”

Shit like this is why my wife insists on going to the birthday parties.

Girl: “I’m Captain Jack’s first mate!”

Well . . . really . . . how many mates can he have had?

I mean, kid's only five.

Granted, I was all up in Melissa Limpfert's shit by the time I was four, but that's me.


Wait a minute.

You’re a PIRATE mate.

Nevermind the whole 'whore' thing. Total misunderstanding.

Christ almighty.

For a second I had this twisted vision of “Caligula meets Barney.”

It was NOT pretty.

Especially the “I love you, you love me” montage.

I mean, really . . . that Barney is HUNG.

I suspect the UPS guy here, too.

"Delivering packages," my ass.


Malicious Intent said...

So I take it you are more of a Fed Ex kinda guy?

Christina_the_wench said...

My head hurts from reading this. Wow, no more speed for you.

I always suspected Barney was a pedophile myself.

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

So, just how old do you think a kid should be before he gets to watch Caligula?
(And I've always wondered... does UPS refer to how the men in the brown uniforms are hung?)

Anonymous said...

And here I thought I was the only one who finds it appropriate to call children whores.
Maybe if more of them had this pointed out to them at a young age, perhaps we'd have fewer Miley Cyruses and Britney "Whore Mate" Spearses.

Ed said...

Two things:

Tony Danza?

There's a reach back in time....

However, Anal Rape explains where they got the title "Who's the Boss?"


You very last sentence has a typo...

I believe you meant to put "in" after "Packages" and before "my".

Just sayin.

carissajaded said...

Your college dorm was amazing. And pretty much looked just like mine. I'm glad I'm not the only one who had to dig myself out of my room!

erin said...

Or...'delivering packages to your ass'.

Matt said...

Tony Danza being the posterchild for rape just makes sense to me.

Lee said...

You are funny! So, now I have to follow and if you follow SFTC and keep winning her contests, then you must be some kind of sicko funny, which is the funny that I love, so guess what...you're it!

JenJen said...

toolie is the best name for a vagina I have ever read. Or said out loud.

Moooooog35 said...

MI: Yes, I'm a FedEx kin..um...


Nice try.

Christina: Barney is a playa.

I know this because he told me he loves you.

Mjenks: Austin Powers has an unedited version?!

Like I want to see that much of Mike Myers.

Catlady: I would recommend at least 11 years old.

That's how old I was and I turned out just fine.


Sassafrass: Miley Cyrus is a whore?!?

Whoa. Thinking I got a little too excited there.

Ed: Ha! You and your 'reach backs.'

Your gayness is so cute sometimes.

Carissa: My dorm room WAS amazing.

I think.

I was drunk most of the time.

Erin: Sounds like someone is volunteering!

Matt: I know, huh? It's like having Pam Anderson being the poster girl for rare blood diseases.

Lee: "I must be some kind of sicko.."

Yeah. I'd say that pretty much sums me up.

JenJen: I can't wait for my daughter's first Health class where she calls it a toolie in front of her friends.

She will kill me.

Swirl Girl said...

When they're five, gymnastics parties are awesome. When they're six - you sneak in to the gymnastics place and replace the foam in the pit with broken glass and sharp knives.

Six? time to man up!

Olly said...

They let you come to the birthday parties? Clearly they have NO idea about this blog...

Moooooog35 said...

SwirlGirl: The compassion you have makes me tear up.

adrienzgirl: Hoo-ha reminds me of Al Pacino in that movie where he's the blind guy and yells, "HOOHA!" all the time.

The last thing I want to think of near a toolie is Al Pacino.

Olly: I know...you'd figure this bracelet I have to wear would send off an alarm or something.

Donnie said...

The little CWinTraining will soon learn that the older she gets that bananas will start pissing down her throat. What then? Cucumbers?


only you could take a child's party and somehow end up with caligula

here to pat you on the back - i'd probably have to bend over though to do it, right? <---- go to town my friend

Bird Shit said...

You think Pirates of the Caribbean was bad for a kid to watch. My mom let my niece watch Ladder 49 at the age of 6 where everyone is dying in fires. Great kid movie.

Chris said...

Not that you need my help for post ideas, but I for one would love to read a letter that your third grade teacher wrote to your parents. I'm sure those documents exist somewhere.

Un[Censored] said...

I don't know, now...I know lots of people whose friends violate her sphincter...but she's a crack whore, so that is to be expected.

And now, here is some insurance excitement. Who would have thought, right?



Malach the Merciless said...

The problem ain't the parents bringing kids to those movies, it is all the crap the of those movies aimed at kids.

Gauche said...

Alright, so I'm apparently not the only one who gets uncomfortable when kids five and under start using the word "mate" at random intervals then...good to know.

Also, you're right about the PG-13 rating, but I'm noticing parents (at least some of them) seem to be ignoring the ratings for movies lately.....

on a somewhat related note:


fucking priceless.

You ass. I'm still laughing. How many kids ran away from you crying? This is one of your best posts ever....I think the Energizer Moog Bunny and Ms. Knightly picture was what did it....well played my good sir, well played.

Moooooog35 said...

Don: Someday, you'll make a great dad.

Just kidding. You're going to really suck.

Speaking: No need to bend to pat me on the back..I'll be lying down anyway.


Bird Shit: Ladder 49? So I finally found the other person who's watched that movie.

Knucklehead: Everything was destroyed in the explosion.

Un[censored]: What's her going rate?

For the crack..not the prostitution.

I have standards, you know.

Malach: * whistling as I put my Hellboy 2 (Pg-13) back in it's Netflix folder after watching with my kids.

Gauche: I WILL take my 6 year old to pg-13 movies if I read the reviews AND/OR go see them by myself first (Iron Man, etc.).

R rated movies, though, are a crapshoot at best.


Just kidding. Leave Mr Boots alone. He means no harm.

rachaelgking said...

"...because when you’re four, you define a 'friend' as:

1) anyone"


1) Anyone who's NOT the smelly kid.

Diva's Thoughts said...

These are not the kid parties I remember! LOL

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You kind of lost me for a while at Kiera Knightly and her toolie but at the heart of this post--which was obviously written on meth--I sense that you're capable of being a good father. Not as good a father as your UPS driver, but then he enjoys certain advantages over you that really aren't your fault.

Tracie said...

Totally agree with you on the room full of 5 yr olds analogy.

Hollen-B said...

I think ima have to read this again after I get back from the bar.

meleah rebeccah said...

For real...only YOU could combine ANAL RAPE with a KIDS birthday party!


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