Sex, Pedophiles and Pirate Vampires - just another Thanksgiving weekend | Mental Poo

Monday, December 14, 2009

Sex, Pedophiles and Pirate Vampires - just another Thanksgiving weekend


I hate holidays.

Here's why.

A recap of my four days off on Thanksgiving weekend.

Thanksgiving Day:


1) Conversation at the dinner table included, but was not limited to, improving the sex life between me and my wife.


Completely appropriate for a holiday feast.

This took a tragic turn as one of our guests told me that I need to tell my wife every day that, and I quote, "ACHE FOR HER."

Always a great topic when you're sharing the table with your in-laws.

Kill me.


2) Guests telling me how funny I am.

"Oh, Rodney..he's so funny."

"Rod..your Facebook updates are HILARIOUS."


"Make sweet love to me, funny man."

Sometimes, I wish auntie would just stay home.

This took an interesting turn as they all started asking my wife if I'm always like this and how she deals with the fact that I'm funny.

To that question, here's how she deals:

Wife: "After 20 years, it stops being funny."

Me: "But see? Everyone else thinks I'm funny..so I must be funny."

Wife: "Listen..they can love you. It doesn't mean that I have to."

Happy. Thanksgiving.


3) Putting up the tree

"Black Friday" (also known as 'African American Friday' in the States and 'Boxing Day' in Canada) is the day we put up our Christmas tree.

I pull the three sections of the tree out of the box.

I snap the sections together.

I fold the branches down.

At this point, my son looks at me and says:

Son: "Dad, is this a real tree?"

* blink

We need to stop buying his toys from China.


4) Getting the Belt

Saturday was my karate test to get my purple belt.

One section of this test consisted of being pummeled by a stick covered by a large foam pad.

As the sensei whacked at us with his stick from all different angles (that's what she said) we'd have to block it with our arms.

Fine.

The problem?

The foam covering kept coming off the stick he was holding...causing him to stop every 5 seconds and put it back on.

So, the sensei decided to just take it off permanently...

...and just whacked us with the plain wooden stick instead.

This feels great.

Thank you, sensei.

Because, you know, my Saturday isn't complete without a goddamn compound fracture.


But, yeah. I got the belt.

Five feet of fury, baby.

Five feet of fury.


5) The Christmas Parade

On Sunday was the town's Christmas parade.

I hate this fucking thing.

Because, you know, nothing says 'Happy Holidays' more than watching an elderly pedophile ride slowly by on a tractor followed by a float from SuperCuts.


My favorite part was when the Knights of Columbus float came by.

Son: "What? Columbus didn't have knights."

GENIUS.

I'll let him continue playing with the Chinese toys.

Anyway, these old guys are all dressed up in, like, tuxes and shit with bright red capes.

Me: "Oooh..guys, look! VAMPIRES!"

Wife: ?

Son: "Those aren't vampires. They have fuzzy heads."

Me: "That's to keep out the sunlight. Otherwise they wouldn't be out right now."


Then...their float came by:

A big boat with three K of C Knights on it.

Me: "GUYS! GUYS! PIRATE vampires!!"

I told the kids to wave to the pirate vampires but they wouldn't.

I would have, but this compound fracture was fucking killing me.

42 comments:

LiLu said...

I thought we agreed you would work a "puffy shirt" joke into every post!

Pirate FAIL.

adrienzgirl said...

You been playing with the toys too? Everybody knows that Vampires don't come out during the day. NO SUNSHINE! Keep huffing the lead paint man!

Mike said...

Rodney, is your tree real?

miss. chief said...

wait, so...is the tree real or what? you never answered the question

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I thought you were funny, but your wife..she blows all 5 feet of you outta the water!!

Don said...

To Adrienzgirl: They had fuzzy sun blocking heads moron! Don't you comprehend these post?! Sorry Rodster...your job.

Travis said...

Dude. I hope we're not twins.

Anyway, you're telling me that after 20 years my wife will stop laughing? Dang.

Also, the 3 K's would have been used in our parade too, but they'd have had a different meaning...

JD at I Do Things said...

BWAH!

At least your family thinks you're funny. Mine is still like, "Are you still writing those blogs?" And then my brother pipes up, "I have a blog!" And I'm like, "No, you don't, you contribute a post TO a blog, every other week. That's not having your own blog."

I think they're all getting Chinese toys this year.

mepsipax said...

That is effing hilarious. My gf feels the same about my humor. "they like it dear". Also, I hope your retirement fund is really good (read: don't depend on the kid).
Just saying.

Ed Adams said...

Wow. You're lucky.
Our Knights of Columbus is just one guy.
He's also the same guy for the Free Masons and Kiwanis.
He's a do-er!
Come parade time, he does a lot of running back and forth.
Until he brings out his mini-bike.
That's right, he's also our only Shriner.
It always makes me smile when I see him out there riding around in circles by himself.

JenJen said...

I ache for you, baby.

*gag*

Lemme try again:
I...ache....for you.

Dr Zibbs said...

Did the grandma chime in on the sex advice? "In my day we used corncobs. Do they still do that?"

Brutalism said...

Blogs = the validation that our spouses will just not give us. Even though we ache for them every day. Fuckers.

Eva Gallant said...

I ache-- from laughing! Great post!

Christina_the_wench said...

You still talk to your family? Gave that up years ago after the infamous Gout/ Fried Chicken incident.

Moooooog35 said...

Lilu: Wait..I thought that didn't start til after the holidays.

My bad.

Adrienz: See Don's comment. Jeez..it's like you don't even read the..WAIT! DO YOU READ IT?!? DO YOU?!?!

Mike: You'll know as soon as I shove it up your ass.

Miss.Chief: You'll have to check Mike's ass. I'm stuffing my tree up it.

Lee: I know..and to this day she won't comment on this blog. She'd kill..KILL here. Guarantee it.

Don: Thanks for having my back, buddy.

* sniff

I told myself I wasn't gonna cry...

Travis: Dude..they can only take so much.

JD: FYI, you can order them with 'extra paint.'

You're welcome.

mepsipax: I'm trying to get him into stand-up. I Carrot Top can do it, anyone can.

Ed: OMG I'd have to join just to see how f'd up the guy was in person.

JenJen: They make ointments for that.

You may also need a new mattress.

Just sayin'.

Zibbs: Sadly, grandma couldn't make it this year. Which was too bad because last year she topped off Christmas by telling one of my guests that he was a horrible person.

Good times..good times.

Brutalism: Thank you for helping define the void in my life. That's just great.

Eva: Thank you. May I recommend a shiatsu massager?

Kris said...

"I ache for you"??? Really? Not sure I would react positively if that were said to me... haha!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I ache for you? I don't know about that. Maybe ask your painted hand to say it to you, see if it makes you feel sexy. It's always good to try these things out beforehand.

Matt said...

so what youre really saying here is that real trees dont come in boxes?

Noted.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i'm lost

where was the poop part?

Moooooog35 said...

Kris: Duly noted.

(crosses it off notepad)

Steam Me Up: She says all kinds of things to me.

Aching is tame by comparison.

Mrs. Righty is filthy.

Matt: Thank you for paying attention.

Speaking: You know. FUCK. Nice catch..not sure, there, really. Maybe it was supposed to be pedophiles.

I'm gonna have to change that right now.

Mrsblogalot said...

Oh yeah, "I ache for you" would get him some every time.
Love your wife!

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Ummm ... unfortunately, my dad is a head pirate vampire. He is like #2 in the state of Michigan. So those fluffy headed sword-wielding dudes have haunted me since I was 3 years old. *shudder*

lbluca77 said...

I'm back to blogging. You know you are excited.

http://sothisismygig.wordpress.com/

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Just to clarify the whole "is that a real tree" thing, that's the same kid who's obsessed with total planetary destruction, right?

A budding young terrorist, that one.

Jay Ferris said...

I think a lot of your problems would be solved by finding the perfect funny phrase to say to your wife each time you climax... maybe "Did you finish?" would do the trick?

That was kind of mean. But also impossible to pass up.

The Peach Tart said...

I would so laugh in your face if you said "I ache for you".

Daffy said...

At least she laughed for some of those 20 years. I don't think hubs has ever found me funny...oh, I'm sure at first I was amusing....cheesy....and my brilliant personality and stunning looks drew attention away from my funny factor. Now...7 years later...still not funny...very brilliant but covered now sportin a world Atlas across my mid section.

And yeah... I Ache For You would totally get you laughed at. Much prefer the grab and conquer...words are for the birds at that point

Malach the Merciless said...

I would smack my wife if she spoke to me like that, maybe it would kill her . .

LIFE INSURANCE HERE I COME!

meleah rebeccah said...

Congrats on getting your purple belt.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You know, it's strange, but my Thanksgiving day was spent with my relatives telling me that I needed to improve my sex life with your wife, too. I will say, however, that she still finds me funny. 10 inches funny. Without the foam covering.

Moooooog35 said...

Mrsblogalot: Really? Do we have a mixed crowd here?

Veronica: HOLY CRAP. YOU live with UNDEAD?!?!

Nice.

lbluca: Really?! What happened to your dream of bicycling around the world?

Knucklehead: Same kid.

Yep. I know.

Jay: Why would I yell out to my wife each time I climax? I mean, I'm usually in front of the computer while she's upstairs in bed.

Dude. Weird suggestion.

Peach: What if I said it from behind?

Daffy: Grab and Conquer. Sounds like the best. video game. ever.

Malach: ..and you do, what..help unfortunate people, right?

I'm assuming this includes your wife.

MikeWJ: Well played, my friend. Well played.

Vodka Logic said...

That should have been my post for justifiable homicide tuesday.. you are grumpy

Christina_the_wench said...

I'm boycotting this blog now since you didn't address me at all. Deeply offended. Deeply.

Ohhh look at the birds....

Moooooog35 said...

Vodka: I'm not grumpy.

I'm big boned.

That's not true, either.

Christina: OH, shit..you fell through the cracks.

That's what she said.

You commented while I was commenting.

It was like Ghostbusters where we crossed the streams but nothing like it.

Yeah, I still talk to my family.

I'm not exactly sure why at this point.

Kellie said...

Your son gets it from you. The genius I mean. You know.

justjp said...

Strong work on the purple belt! Also, maybe you should stop giving the kids lead chips during snack time, just sayin.

BugginWord said...

Mouth vomit. If someone said they ached for me, I'm pretty sure I'd kick them swiftly in the balls to induce actual ache.

CatLadyLarew said...

Damn, Moooooog! Thanksgiving at your house sounds like a real bitch!

meleah rebeccah said...

seriously the list of ways for your son to identify a fake xmas tree is classic.

publicknitting said...

You didn't caption your kids mentally cringing

Phillipia said...

Congrats on the purple belt...

Damn...noone ever ached for me...or maybe they did but were just too smart to say it or do anything about it...

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