Worst. Party. Ever.
Let me explain.
I'm coming to the conclusion that 14 years ago, I had the...
Worst. Bachelor Party. Ever.
How am I getting to this conclusion?
Well..it's all thanks to my friend, Mike.
You see...
Mike recently went to a bachelor party.
Then he IM's me and rubs my fucking nose in it.
It's a similar feeling to this:
******************
Mike: Hey, Rod. How was your night?
Midgetmanofsteel: Great! I had ice cream - frozen yogurt actually...yummy! - and watched Hell's Kitchen. They're down to 6 chefs and it's REALLY getting down to the wire!
Mike: Nice. I fucked three chicks with various food items. Here's the video.
Midgetmanofsteel: I hate you.
******************
Hey...hey Mike.
Here's a pile of dogshit...would you be so kind as to rub my nose in it?
Thanks in advance.
Fuck.
Here's the shit Mike sends me about the bachelor party he recently attended in a rented house on Nantucket:
******************
(recap)
Police officer: "Ok..the party is over or I'm writing you all up for noise violations."
Mike: "Officer, you know that I'm a lot bigger than you...right?"
Officer: "You know I have a taser...right?"
Mike's friends in the background: "Tase him...tase him...tase him..."
******************
On a related note:
Mike has good friends.
After the party was over, the home owner emailed them about the...um..."condition" of the house.
******************
(email from homeowner):
I received a call from our caretaker/cleaning crew and needless to say the house was left in horrible condition.
There was trash all over the yard, some sort of flour all over downstairs in the basement, garbage everywhere, an awful smell in the house and dishes piled up everywhere.
******************
Nice, Mike.
You know...it just isn't a party without leaving the house smelling like shit...
...covered in garbage and 'some sort of flour' all over the basement.
Although, seriously, I'm guessing one of the chefs on Hell's Kitchen would have been able to make something fantastic using that flour in the basement.
Am I jealous?
You bet your sweet ass I'm jealous.
Because I would have taken the fucking brutal tasing over my fucking shitwad bachelor party.
Eric..if you're reading this..I'm kidding it was awesome!
(Everyone else: the above line is total bullshit)
Ugh.
MY bachelor party.
You'll read about that fuckshow at some point.
Which involved paintball, bruises, bleeding, a concussion, and me fast asleep by four in the afternoon.
FUCK.
But that's a story for another time.
Right now, I'm getting me some frozen yogurt.
Yeah.
I cry sometimes.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Is that Flour on Your Taser or are You Just Happy to See Me?
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41 comments:
"....fucked three chicks with various food items..."
hmmm.
oh
NO.
I can't believe he taped that. Fucker.
"Which involved paintball, bruises, bleeding, a concussion, and me fast asleep by four in the afternoon." ---Sounds like a date with this broad from the other night!
BTW, @JenJen it is sooo awesome that he taped it! Now, he has evidence and good black mail material if he ever needs it.
Mike sounds like a douchebag. Can I have his number?
Thank you for sparing us the footage.
You have some of THEE BEST female commentors (Travis included).
My B-Party...
I went to 3 different strip clubs with 10 of my best friends...Had my underwear ripped off on stage and ass spanked by 3 naked ladies while my face was buried in boobs.
Then we went an sang Karoke and got shit faced.
I wish everyday was my B-party.
(I keep saying B-party because I am too lazy to spell Batchler or whatever)
Fuck I'm jealous!I hope if I ever get married my bachelorette party is like that...
If you were asleep by 4 I hope it was because you drank a handle of Jim beam first. Like me on my 21st when I passed out before the keg was even tapped.
JenJen: Yeah. I've seen it and I really have to commend you on the whole 'watermelon' scene.
Justjp: Apparently, JenJen is available for parties.
And by 'parties' I mean 'hire.'
Lbluca: Yes. I went paintballing.
Had there been strippers running around, it wouldn't have been so bad.
Travis: Dude. What?
Bikramyoga: I'm sure he'd give it to you. But since I live vicariously through Mike's endeavors just give it to me and I'll pass it on.
Promise.
Ann: Sparing YOU the footage?
Like I want to see that, either.
Ed: I got shot by paint.
Thanks for rubbing that shit in.
You're a friend of Mike's, aren't you.
Carissa: I was asleep by four because I was being shot in the face at close range by pellets of FUCKING PAINT at 7 in the morning.
So, no. No Jim Beam.
I may have played Nintendo alone, though. So that's close.
So was it as awesome as The Hangover bachelor party? No tigers? How about bears?
I don't think I had a bachelor party. If I did, I don't remember it. Maybe it was the best BP in the history of BPs.
I can't wait the hear the story of yours, which sounds fun -- if you were 12.
I never really had a bachelor party, unless you count the decade of unprotected sex with multiple partners in a consequence-free environment that occurred beforehand.
My bachelorette party crashed my husband's-to-be bachelor party. We figured they'd really be partying it up. Nope, they were watching football...boring. We left.
I feel really bad for you!
Speaking of cooking with "flour," I just watched this movie called Pot in Pans about cooking with marijauna. It was pretty funny.
so what kind of foods did he use?
just curious
You need more nerdy, pathetic friends so that your life seems freakin awesome by comparison. Get new friends stat.
Wow your bachelor party sounds like fun...for a 12 yr old boy. Were you 12 when you got married?
Yea, Mike sure does throw a great bachelor party. Glad I was there.
P.S. - sorry about the flour like substance on the basement floor.
Marie: I don't know. I wasn't there.
MINE probably had bears in it.
I was out in the middle of the fucking woods so that's a pretty good guess.
MikeWJ: No, not 12.
12 would have been good.
Jay: Good point.
MY PARTY WAS AWESOME!!
Me-Me: You crashed your hubby's bachelor party? Football or no football, that ends most engagements RIGHT THERE.
Yankee: I feel bad for me, too.
Thanks for the company!
Matt: I don't know..there was pulp or something on the camera OH MY GOD IT'S NOT PULP!!
Tee: That's why I have you guys.
Duh.
Mike: Yeah, um. Hate to break this to you..but the wrong Mike.
Why..YOU got video?
Those parties just sound like Sunday afternoon barbeques at my place....
You definitely need some better friends dude
I was the "entertainment" for a bachelor party once! THAT was some crazy shit!
Unless "paintballing" is one of those Mooooog-only terms like "teabagging" or, ahem, "spank bank", you got a raw deal, my friend.
sorry to hear about your sucky BP
i got nothin else
Geez....Ed's B-party sounds like my weekend.....last weekend.
You're welcome to come hangout with me Mooooog..... I don't do paintball though
Wow your bachelor party sounds like Prom. My mom was the worst date EVER.
I was so fucked up stoned and hungover on my wedding day I could have married my fucking grandmother and not known it for two days or until she couldn't get wet anymore.
Alex: What time should we be over.
Say, noonish?
Adrienz: And that's SERIOUSLY as far as you're going with that story right now?
GYP!
Knucklehead: Sadly, no.
Sadly, yes.
Sadly.
Speaking: That'll do, Speak. That'll do.
Daffy: You not doing paintball is actually the selling point.
Narm: Actually, she wasn't all that bad.
Son.
Don: Sounds magical.
Poor Mooooog
This was way too much for yhis old broad!
Hey my Bachelor Party was Dungeons and Dragons
I'm offended. It's degrading to fuck women with food.
Unless of course he made love to her with corn. Mmmm ridges.
Peach: Thank you. Send money.
Eva: Oh, lady. You ain't seen nothin' yet.
You're gonna be all "WHY did I bookmark this?!?"
I'm surprised you haven't said that already.
Malach: *coughLOSERcough
Steam: I don't even see how that's possible. Seems like it would take FOREVER. Plus, won't all the kernels fall out?
OH. On the COB.
Nevermind.
Brilliant post although it left me craving frozen yoghurt - is that weird.
Kate xx
Sex with food, is there any other kind, really?
I'm with you on wanting to hear about Adrienz's side job as "entertainer". Damn girl, that's totally post worthy!
You make me laugh so hard the people at work think I am having a seizure. Seriously though, I cry sometimes. Epic.
I once went to a bachelor party and didn't know anyone there. It was awesome.
Get it with berries... then it's "healthy".
You'll also be a full-blown woman. Go watch something Sandra Bullock-y now.
I had two bachlorette parties, complete with male strippers.
I have photos, but they're of male body parts. You're not that desperate yet, are you?
You should be happy for your friends, when they are out having fun, and you are watching TV. Yeah that just sucks...hey I tried to be supportive but I suck too. (which I was doing while you were watching TV)
Poor Moooooog. Nobody gives you the respect or the bachelor party you deserve. Maybe you should ask for a do-over on your bachelor party for Christmas.
OMG you crack me up!
This is a hilarious post. I will definitely back to your site.
Okay, you finally managed to make me laugh out loud. Thanks for that!
Kate: Actually, what's weirder is the way you spelled 'yogurt.' You English people do weird things.
Woops. Weirde thingse.
Better.
DualMom: Great. Now I'm jealous of frozed broccoli. Thanks for that.
mepsipax: Let me know if you end up getting mouth-to-mouth with the hot intern. I want to take full credit.
Lilu: Took me an hour to figure out you were talking about yogurt and not sex with food.
Got weird there for a bit.
Christina: No. Not that desperate AT ALL.
sexnfries: I would totally be supportive if I wasn't so bitter and jealous and petty.
I have things to work through.
CatLady: My name is 'Rodney.' You learn to live with the 'no respect' thing after a while.
Just Another: I crack me up, too. This is why most people hate to be around me.
Sean: Thanks, Sean!! Just remember to save your ticket stub.
Meleah: YAY ME! You're welcome.
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