Seeing Red - An Awful TMI Thursday | Mental Poo

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Seeing Red - An Awful TMI Thursday


At age 41, ladies and gentlemen..

It happened.

Imagine a horror so true..so..so SURREAL

That you wish you could undo time and completely avoid it.

Well, folks, I’m jealous of you because:

I don’t have to imagine.

Because. I . Just. Lived it.

(queue porn music)


WAIT! Wrong music!

(queue horror music like the Halloween theme or maybe something from The Omen or some shit like that)


Here's how it happened.

I was sitting at my desk at work.

I was possibly working but that’s highly improbable since I’m not really really clear what, exactly, I’m supposed to be doing here on a daily basis so every once in a while I’ll pretend like I’m interested in a meeting or some shit and ask a question that may be slightly relevant while my boss is around so it looks like I wasn’t a complete waste of a business investment and he leaves me alone except once in a while he pops in but luckily I have tilted my laptop AWAY from the aisle so he can’t tell that I’m Googling shit like “Oprah Winfrey vagina clothes” just to see what pictures come up.

FYI – I’m writing this whole fucking thing while I’m in my cube.


Regardless..there I was..alone.

My cubemate, Kristin, was not around…this was good because I didn’t have to listen to her babbling on and on and on about health care and tea parties and shit like that because she’s a psycho Republican and I may or may not be a Republican as well but I don’t really remember who I voted for but it probably wasn’t Obama because I live in New Hampshire and I don’t think they allow us to vote for black people.

It’s in our state constitution.

That may be wrong.

As I’m sitting there…minding my own business…

Kristin comes BOLTING into the cube.

Still standing, she looks at me and says:

(brace for it)


Kristin: “Is there blood on the back of my pants?”

* blink

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!


What. The fuck.

Seriously…WHATHEFUCK?

Of all the fucking things to ask a guy, ladies, do NOT – UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES – ask him to verify if you have goddamn PERIOD BLOOD (OMG OMG OMG I’m going to throw up just typing that) ON. YOUR. ASS.

Never.

Never ever ever ever NEVER.


She then spun around.

I looked.

I mean, seriously..she’s showing me her ass. How do I NOT look?

Me: “I don’t see any.”

Kristin:
“Your eyes are closed.”

Me: “I’m finding this the best method right now to LOOK FOR BLOOD FROM YOUR VAGINA ON YOUR PANTS thankyouverymuch.”

Kristin: “Seriously..is there blood there? It all just came gush..”

Me: LALALALALALA…FINE. Fine.”

I tried to open my eyes but I believe that somehow I managed to squeeze them together so tightly that they fused shut. This is similar to the effect marriage has on a woman’s vagina but with much less NAGGING.

I squinted them open and looked.

Nothing.

Nothing but Kristin ass.

Me: “No. There’s nothing.”

Kristin: “Good. It just came flooding out and I tried to get a pad but..”

It’s at this point that I jammed a pencil in my ear and then eventually killed myself because MOTHER OF GOD SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP and now I’m writing this to you from my desk in Hell where I will burn for eternity while listening to William Hung’s CD over and over again while a constant loop of Fran Drescher laughing plays in the background and hundreds of tiny little Carrot Top clones pull my chest hairs out.

Way better than being asked about period stains and tampons and LALALALALALA sorry..sorry…I really really have to stop now.

THAT was Hell.

This is nothing.

***************************

For more TMI Thursday's, go visit Lilu over at Live it, Love it.

You'll laugh til you have blood coming out the back of your pants.

I'm going to throw up now.

93 comments:

Midwest Mommy said...

I can't stop laughing.

MommaKiss said...

I feel for you. Really. The woman's menses should never be discussed at work. Or with a man.

That was hysterical, btw.

KeepingYouAwake said...

Holy shit, you've been ruined! Now you'll never look at an ass again without accidentally checking for blood.

Right... Actually... Look at more asses immediately. This might reverse the process. It's ass therapy.

The Boyfriend Shopper said...

I'm loving your blog. I just stumbled across it.

I'm definitely going to subscribe to follow!

You seem like the type of girl that would enjoy my blog. Check it out, I think you'd love it.

www.theboyfriendshopper.blogspot.com

TJ Lubrano said...

Hahahah! OMG! Why didn't you just faint ^_^?

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

OMG! Why didn't she just go look in the freakin' mirror?! Or does NH not allow mirrors either?

Ed Adams said...

"........"


*vomits*

cavy said...

oh my god. she could have at least asked if there was "anything" on her pants. and explaining the gush is so unnecessary.

Ali Vasim said...

ROFLMAO...damn i just cant stop laughing...hahahaha...quite interesting...

Maxie said...

do you want me to tell you about the time that i got my period...

all over some guys lap.

and he thought it was spaghetti sauce.

too late.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

The worst part is not what you endured but the fact that she clearly sees you as an honorary office homegirl. Next she'll be breathing in your face and asking you if her breath is okay.

Lizzy and Elle said...

Well there was this time at band camp...oops wrong story. nevermind.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

That's nothing. You should see what comes out when ... Oh, never mind.

Anonymous said...

In all fairness to me...there isn't anyone else at work that I could ask and I'm short so I can't see my ass in the mirror.

Because I work with all guys I have to make a chick out of someone...ask my husband.

-Kristin

Colby said...

I don't think I'd even ask a girl to do that kind of check for me.

Tammy Green said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Travis said...

What a truly disgusting thing to read so early in the morning, and I haven't even visited LiLu this morning.

I'm going to go ahead and say you win.

I also like that Kristin commented.

LiLu said...

This is my favorite post ever of all time.

I don't even care what that says about me.

Moooooog35 said...

Midwest: ..and I can't stop barfing.

Momma: CAN YOU PLEASE TELL HER THAT?!?!

Keeping: Like I don't do that already.

My boss is starting to get freaked out.

Boyfriend: Oh. I'm the type of FIRL who would enjoy your blog?

That's just fucking great.

TJ: I don't recall saying I didn't.

Princess: See 'Anonymous' comment below. Yeah. It's her.

Ed: Make room for me, buddy.

Cavy: I. KNOW. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.

Ali: "interesting?!?" Okay..that's one word.

Maxie: go away now.

Shield: Her breath smells like tulips.

I break into her bedroom when she sleeps.

Lizzie: FLUTES? Really?!

Mary: LALALALALALALA I'M NOT LISTENING LALALALALA

Anonymous: You can't explain this away. You just can't.

Colby: Me either. What?

Tammy: Mine too. Except the 'favorite' part. Replace 'favorite' with 'GROSS' and we're on to something.

Travis: What do I win?! Please say it's a different cube.

mepsipax said...

Oh bloody fucking hell....I just threw up a little. I think I have just found my Taken Tuesday from you. I laughed so fucking hard I bled. Can you see the spot?
I was going to ask what you search for to find your pictures...now I know and can never unknow.

"similar to the effect marriage has on a woman’s vagina "
Fucking classic...throw in a racist joke... oh you got that covered. See you in hell my good sir.

Moooooog35 said...

Lilu: It says that I pray I someday don't share a cube with you, either.

Mepsipax: ..and maybe now you all see how my head gets all messed up.

Maybe.

That Kind of Girl said...

Tsh, whenever I hear a guy bitching about having to acknowledge the existence of menstrual cycles, only one response comes to mind: man up, tampon.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

My, you little boys are SO SENSITIVE over someone having a little bit of red on them. You do realize if you guys had periods you'd flaunt your stains proudly like a badge of honour? You'd be all "BEHOLD MY
STAINS!" and showing the world.

Poor Kristin.

And the Boyfriend Shopper's in for a surprise when you show up at his place with a penis.

Laurie said...

Don't worry.....the clotting should start by day two, into day three.

Vodka Logic said...

That was hysterical.. I can just see it..

Go over to Lilu there is someone there getting free tampons.

Eva Gallant said...

OMG That is soooo funny. On the bright side, she thinks of you as one of the girls! lol

Elly Lou said...

You MUST repost that entire thing as a comment on boyfriend shopper's site.

Gotta run. Pretty sure I just dropped a clot.

Becky..AMHW said...

Pussy.

heh@BEHOLD MY STAINS! Hockey games IN MY PANTS!

JenJen said...

What a crack up...and I was so nervous for Kristen that she might have had said flo on her tushy.
omg.
the horror.

kathcom said...

Whoa! I'm a woman and I don't want to be looking at a woman's ass for that. Couldn't she just look in a mirror or check when her pants are dropped in the bathroom stall?

Kristin is obviously demented and has been working with you so long that she doesn't think of you as a man. And you're never going to be able to look at her again without thinking about how she has a heavy flow. Blech!

Tricia said...

LOL!!!

You need to read my post for today because apparently the blog gods had us inadvertently post about alternate thought processes when it comes to "periods".

Hillbilly Duhn said...

I would have mortified if the thought was even a possiblity. I would have just looked in the bathroom by myself. Like, when I was trying to staunch the flow. I'm pretty sure any normal person would have looked at the inside of their jeans first?? Why would anyone, ANYONE be so stupid unless she already knew and just wanted you to look at her ass and think about her vagina (?)

PQ said...

HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

*breathe*

AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

The only guy I will ever ever ask to check for period blood is my boyfriend.

And I totally did this at the movies the other night.

To save HIM the embarrassment of course. No guy wants to be walking holding hands with a woman who looks like she's BLEEDING FROM THE ANUS.

Hissyfits & Halos said...

OMG! That's freakin' hilarious!!

"Similar to the effect marriage has on a woman’s vagina!!!" Buah haha

Best post I've read in a month!

carissajaded said...

hmmm ooopsie. Soooo lesson learned. Never ask a dude about period blood. That explains a lot. Lesson learned.

Jen said...

If she had the new iPad this wouldn't have happened to you.

Mrsblogalot said...

you have to be the funniest cubicle blogger out there!

I have just broken my own rule which is to never read your blog during work because apparently the constant laughter is grounds for termination.

My own fault (-;

Btw, got any empty cubicles over there?

Charm City Barfly said...

Hhmmmm...Once a girl starts talking to you about her period, you are either her boyfriend or her gay best friend.

Is there something you're not telling us?

Narm said...

PERFECT - I'm going to start asking girls if I can check their pants for period blood. FREE ASS SHOTS!

This is fail proof

Ben said...

I just killed myself.

Brutalism said...

This is bloody hilarious. I love the flow of your writing. It is why I am much more than just a monthly visitor, and hang out at your pad often. I laughed so hard I got a cramp. I'm now out of menstruation puns. Period.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i can't stop laughing!!!

hahahahahahaha.

Christy said...

Classy.
The only man I would ever even POSSIBLY ask about that is the husband, but even that might be pushing. If that problem arises I usually keep to myself and find an excuse to go home ASAP.

I'm sorry your the small part of your soul that you probably lost today.

Toe said...

I'm going to have to try this experiment out on the dudes I work with and see what they do.

This is hilarious.

Moooooog35 said...

That Kind: You're sensitive to my pain.

Veggie: What is WRONG WITH YOU WOMEN?!?!

Laurie: ARGH!

Vodka: Then hurry back so you can listen to me retching.

Eva: She always thinks of me as one of the girls. The skirts help.

Elly: THE FUCK?!

Becky: You women are just...WRONG today. Just wrong.

JenJen: Yes. Horror. Horror for ME. FOR ME.

kathcom: Please see above 'anonymous' comment which is, actually, Kristin explaining the mirror concept.

I want to die today.

Tricia: Why would I want to read MORE about this?

Hillbilly: You know..I'm now barring the word 'flow' from my vocabulary.

PQ: OMG someone friggin' kill me.

Hissyfits: Funny how you worked the 'monthly' thing in there.

carissa: lesson learned for us BOTH.

Mine is...run. Run away.

Jen: Yes. wait. what?

Mrsblogalot: No empty cubicles..but you can take my spot next to Kristin here.

Thanks in advance.

Charm: Yes. I am her gay best boyfriend.

?

Narm: ..yeah? And if they say 'yes?'

Worst case scenario, my friend.

Worst case scenario.

Ben: You couldn't kill me first, though, could you? Always about you.

Brutalism: Genius and yet, disturbing all at the same time.

Typical day for you, really.

Alexa: I wish I had your stomach for it, then.

I'm still dry heaving.

Christy: Honestly...my soul left a looooong time ago. Eventually, it just stops trying, you know?

Toe: If they're listening..they WILL RUN!!

Wicked Shawn said...

Ok, I get the "too short" excuse" but umm, unless she has no hands and is incapable of pulling her pants down, she was totally wanting you to check out her ass. Otherwise, as a girl, we have ways of knowing. Some days, we just want a guy to look at our ass. Not sure why she would want a guy to look at her ass and induce vomiting at the same time. Maybe you should bring up yellowpages.com and find her a good shrink. That's what best gay boyfriends do :) *giggle*

Kate said...

MWhahaha! This is AWESOME! Any my Gay Boyfriend will not check ME for period blood. You're a special, special man.

kathcom said...

OMG--I just read Kristin's explanation. Lock the door--bathroom door, closet door, ANY door--drop your pants and look! For God's sake, woman--you're making the rest of us look bad.

Kudos for having the chutzpah to read this post and try to explain, though.

Miss Spoken said...

The last time I asked a guy to check if there was blood on my ass, I'm pretty sure there was tequila, nipple clamps and a coke bottle involved.

Ahhh..... high school ......

Grace said...

Why women do not deal with this on their own I will never know. Seriously, keep a freaking back up sweater in your office, use it, run to the bathroom. I hate when women ask me this question and I'm a woman. I feel for you.

Frank & MB said...

So... in the waiting room BEFORE hell, there is William Hung, Fran Drescher, and Carrot Top?

Thanks for letting us know what we are in for.

LMJ said...

LMAO!!!
She trusted you!! geez! LOL! I wouldn't have asked a guy, though. :P

The Peach Tart said...

Oh hell come on. Be a good cube buddy and quit complaining.

Mrs. Bitch said...

How could you let an opportunity like this slip by you?!? If you work in a cubicle, you must have one of those 8" or 10" staplers on your desk. When she was turned around thrusting her rump in your face like some baboon mating ritual, you needed to stuff the stapler down the front of your pants, tell her no, you don't see a spot on her pants, and then point to your crotchal area and ask: do these pants make me look chubby? I guarantee she'll keep her bodily fluids away from you after that. Maybe. It might be better to use a 4" stapler.

Olly said...

Ahahahahahhahahahhahaha!!!!! So funny how men can't handle the thought of periods. Were you present for the birth of your children? A tad messier than a little spot on the back of the pants.

lbluca77 said...

HAHAHA You are such a good friend to look at her ass for her. But I'm guessing this is probably something you do without her asking you.

Moooooog35 said...

Wicked: I don't blame her, though. I'm really quite a specimen.

Kate: Yes. Small-bus special.

Kathcom: OMG she has chutzpah in there, too?!

Miss Spoken: I thought I remembered you.

Grace: I feel for you, too. Wait..what are you talking about?

Frank: Be afraid..be very..afraid.

LMJ: THANK YOU! PASS IT ON!

Peach: Dude. I don't think so.

Mrs. Bitch: So sorry I let this opportunity pass me by WHILE I WAS FREAKING OUT.

Olly: It was only a matter of time before some chick mentioned the 'birth' thing.

One trick pony, you women.

Lbluca: sssh..you'll blow my cover.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh the gush. Like when you flip the Sparkletts water jug onto the dispenser. Ga-lug. Ga-lug. Periods are awesome.

Speaking of...do I have period on my socks? I've been sitting cross-legged.

writeinthekisser said...

I gotta tell ya: I saw Carrot Top perform back in the early aughts with some high school buddies and he was bloody hilarious (don't pardon the pun). People should really stop using him as a punch line.

Except you. You're exempt.

Tracie said...

I'm pretty sure that will turn you gay.

Grace said...

haha apparently I was not clear in the slightest maybe it's because you didn't get what the sweater is for? oh well.

P said...

Could she not have went to the friggin' bathroom and looked for herself. Taken her pants OFF if she couldn't strain her neck enough to look? Or used a mirror?

That is NOT cool behaviour.

Then again, she had been pre-menstrual until a few minutes before and we can be unpredictable at that stage...

Don said...

Are you serious?! No wonder you like her. How great is that?! Hell, I'd date her based solely on the fact that she still has periods.

meleah rebeccah said...

best. post. EVER! I am crying laughing. I have TEARS rolling down my face.

UberGrumpy said...

I'm with JenJen: 'what a crack up'.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I'm totally with you on this one, Mr. Moooog. But, out of curiousity, how is Kristin's ass? Is it fine, or does she have a little too much junk in the trunk? Because while a man may be horrified by the problem that shall not be mentioned ever again, I know most men will overlook almost anything -- vomit, shit, pee, even blood -- for a chance to check out a really good ass. They're sick, and can't help themselves.

P.S. -- You don't have to answer my question. I know it's potentially embarrassing to you and your job and your coworker and your marriage. Still, I can't help but be curious....did you check it out despite the evil horror?

"Mr. Knucklehead" said...

The good news is you probably have a sexual harassment case.

The bad news is that you'd then have to relive this experience in front of a judge.

Your choice, my friend.

Moooooog35 said...

Steam Me Up: Like I was really looking for that as a comment. Jesus.

Write: stop using him as a punchline? Have you SEEN the guy?

Tracie: Great. One more thing i have to worry about along with herb gardens.

Grace: I tend to ignore things that scare me.

P: I DON'T KNOW!!!

Don: HAHAHA...yes...pre-menapausal women are a godsend.

Meleah: So did I. But mainly from the screaming.

Uber: Oh. Dude. Crack? Really?

Nice one.

MikeWJ: It's female and it's a bum. Of course I look.

wtf.

Knucklehead: Filling out resignation now...

Alex said...

Ba ha ha ha ha!!!!

Best man post of the year....

Have you seen a human being come out of a vagina? That's super pretty too!

Tami G said...

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
I SERIOUSLY JUST LAUGHED SOOO loud my boss came over from across the hallway to make sure I was ok. HOW the @$#(& do you explain THAT one?!?!!!!!
just told him a funny story about my child. YUP - totally pulled something outta my ass because HOW the @$#(@# would I tell my boss I just read the funniest story ever about PERIOD BLOOD!!!!!!!
oh my.........

Have you seen Superbad?

Me-Me King said...

ROFLMFAO!!!!! This is so fuckin' funny that I'm sharing it with the world.

Rogelio said...

So she had the gall or trust to ask you: shoot a straight answer and be done with it already!. Here you are getting a workplace HR-guilt-free ass check and all you can focus is on the your blood squeamish-tude? dude... WTF?

Kris said...

Dude! I just got my PERIOD today. Me and Kristin are PERIOD twins.

Hahahahahahahaha!!!

justsomethoughts... said...

holy shite
that might be the funniest blog i've read in months

wow
i dont envy you
and your depiction of hell is spot on

Moooooog35 said...

Alex: Yes. I've seen two. Three if you count that weird orgy in college with that gigantic chick.

Tami: I have seen Superbad.

Please don't remind me of that scene.

Oh. Great. Too late.

Me-Me: AWESOME. Thank you!

Rogelio: Yes, Rogelio. That's all I could focus on. However, now I'm just focused on your name: Rogelio.

For some reason I either want a hand rolled pasta or chocolate covered caramel.

Kris: Reach for the stars, Kris. Reach for the stars.

Justsome: I don't envy me either and I ALWAYS envy me.

True story.

brookeamanda said...

Best post ever! I am laughing so hard that I'm crying! I work in an all-female store except for one guy (and he's straight). He gets this kind of crap from us ALL THE TIME.

Malach the Merciless said...

Man you guys are a bunch of wusses. Big deal, I work with women (35 to 2 in my building) I have 6 sister in laws and one brother in law. Not a big deal.

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

suppose it's possible she thinks you're a woman?

Tiffany said...

I started this post totally prepared to be on her side and think you were overreacting. Nope. But now i'm laughing too hard to be truly sympathetic.

Kurt said...

Maybe she was hitting on you. Never thought of THAT did you? Like, she was showing you that she was still a fertile female ready for you to impregnate.

Survival of the fittest, Man.

Moooooog35 said...

Brookeamanda: I would kill myself with death.

Malach: You're odd.

Claire: Are you saying my vagina is showing?

Tiffany: Always take the man's side.

That's what she said.

What?

Kurt: Dude. Vasectomy. Maybe she's just in it for the rough roll? Maybe you're onto something.

Daffy said...

Haaaa! You're her office wife/bitch.....

Thats a juicy piece of knowledge right there.

Want to redeem yourself?

You can totally look at my ass...just look...ain't got nothing I want you to look
for....just look

**I realize it is highly probable that someone has already left a comment to that effect - I am super late to the party (not the period kind of late though). Alas, I am here....

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

A co-worker of mine always wants to get in to details about geyser AS SHE'S SITTING ON MY DESK!!!

dorothy said...

i love how theboyfriendshopper thinks you're a girl

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

you are SUCH a pussy

CatLadyLarew said...

Aren't you the lucky one? She must really like you or something...

I would never do such a thing to you... probably because I've had a hysterectomy.

JD at I Do Things said...

How do you know it was vagina blood? It could've been butt blood? We have pads for that too, you know.

Kathy said...

I do not know what to say.

I am speechless.

Without speech.

Dave said...

Even though I have only shared this experience with you through the wonder of the printed word - I feel unwell, dirty some how. I believe I need some brain bleach to remove the thought of checking co workers bottoms for blood - ack!

I fear I will never be the same

Paul said...

Definitely almost made me gag. Bet the view was nice though, however I wonder what the outcome would have been if there was blood...

nipplelicious said...

Noooooo.. Oh, how did I ever miss this post when I stalked, I mean visited late one night and read them all??

I know, I must have automatically steered clear to save my own sanity.

As a pre-menopausal woman myself I gladly keep all vagina related blood issues to myself, the man has no need to know anything other than the words "not this week"..

Except for that time he caused my stitches and it wasn't child caused.. but so not going there right now:) This times it's all about you..

You have my sincere sympathy and my permission to now scratch your balls, fart as loud and often as you would like in your cubicle.. you deserve it and so does she.

onemixedbag.com said...

Wow! Even when I had a "work husband" that I was not married to, I wouldn't ask this. *lol* I was choking I was laughing so hard.

I loved Kristen's reply to this, that she works with all guys and she has to make someone the girl. You go Kristen!

Lady Old Soul said...

Holymotherfuckingshit, that was hysterical!!!!!!! x'D I laughed until there was no sound coming out, which my fellow bus patrons very much enjoyed. LMFAO Thank you for the best laugh I've had in a REALLY long time!! You RAWK!!!

Related Posts with Thumbnails