Whammy Bar | Mental Poo

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Whammy Bar


Today, another episode in the Mental Poo "How To" series.

For previous "how to" articles check out:

1) How to Make an X-Rated Toy

2) How to make a Hot dog

3) How to Scare a Celebrity

I should combine those and make a post called:

"How to Scare a Celebrity with an X-Rated Hot Dog."

Although, I think Tommy Lee pretty much covered that.


Today's How to:

How to Be an Expert at Guitar Hero

So...

You want to be an expert at Guitar Hero?

I have ONE thing to say to you:

Loser.

Seriously.

That's your fucking goal in life?

Christ, dude...

Get a friggin' job.


(Don't yell at me...that's not one of my posters. I'm SO mad at myself for not thinking of it first!)

Oh.

You don't want to be an expert at Guitar Hero?

Well...shut up and listen anyway.

Because I've UNLOCKED the hidden secret to becoming a GUITAR HERO LEGEND!

You know...an 'echo' sound effect would have been really really cool right there.

Maybe I'll shout that into Pam Anderson's vagina.

Vagina...vagina...vagina..vagina...

There.

That's better.


Where was I?

Oh..yeah..

I've unlocked the secret of becoming an expert at Guitar Hero.

Actually...

My son has.

He's 6.

What's his secret?

Sit right there, my little Thai prostitute who looks mysteriously similar to Rob Schneider, and I'll tell you.


I was in the bathroom the other day, getting my son ready for his shower.

Me: "Go pee before you get in."

This step is important at this stage of his life, as I'm trying to keep him from getting into the 'peeing in the shower habit' that all men have.

Yes, ladies.

All men pee in the shower.

We also do all kinds of other crazy shit in there, too.

Once that water hits us, it's like a fireworks festival in a carnival of bodily fluids.

Boogers...urine...spit...Mountain Dew...sperm...duck sauce...

You name it, it's EVERYWHERE.

This is specifically why I own flip flops.

Listen...

Just cuz I do it doesn't mean I want to walk around in that shit.

I've digressed.


So, my son finishes peeing and goes to do his 'after pee tap.'

For you women, the 'after pee tap' is a requirement for guys who don't want to get drops of residual piss on their feet and/or small house pets.

If you don't tap, guys, I feel bad for your cat and podiatrist.

So my son finished and was ready for his 'tap.'

But he didn't tap.

Instead, my son grabbed his penis and...

...while pulling on the end of it with one hand...

...took his other hand and began...

...STRUMMING it.

* fling bbbrinng floongoing *

Note: It did not actually make that sound...if it DID, we'd be on "America's Got Talent" by now.

You can't deny THAT, Hasselhoff!


Me: "Dude. What are you doing? Just tap it. It's not a guitar."

His eyes. Light. Up.

He stops, turns...

...looks at me while still holding his wiggly guitar...

...and decides to play me a tune on his penis:

Cam: "Bloooiinnng bbbringg..fllloiinnng...joownnggg"

Excellent.

I'm so proud.

This penis guitar solo continued while he was in the shower as well.


Please note that he takes a shower in a different bathroom than mine.

I wouldn't let my kids walk around in the DNA cesspool known as my shower floor.

I know what's been done in there.

No need for them to be tested for STD's this early in life.

Regardless...

He later, unfortunately, also decided it would be funny to show this talent to my wife.

She was not amused.

She usually isn't when there is a penis involved, but that's primarily my problem.


So guys...want to be better at Guitar Hero?

Then take it from my son:

Pratice playing guitar with your penis in the shower.

Just remember to wear flip flops.

You know what you've done.

55 comments:

Travis said...

Effin gorgeous.

I am gonna try this tonight with my wife.

For sure though, you were in the bathroom with your son whilst he was playing with his penis.

Ahem.

*dials 911*

Jay Ferris said...

Once again you've left me simultaneously traumatized and aroused. Much like our only in-person encounter, come to think of it.

JenJen said...

Seriously FUCKING HILARIOUS.

I loved the cross section of your non bathtub.

I have to say, I have peed in the shower. And a host of other things...
Like conditioning my hair.

Dirty bastard

LiLu said...

I thought your post traumatized me, but Jay Ferris' comment just trumped it.

Well done, Jay.

Coffeypot said...

I’m afraid I would have to play the ukulele. Sad really!

Me-Me King said...

Censoring? Here? Oh no, not here!

(chanting Remove Ellen, remove Ellen, remove Ellen!!!

Yankee Girl said...

Kids are amazing.

My husband pees in the shower because he claims it's healthy. He has been trying to talk me into doing it as well, but I will not give in.

His solution? Peeing on me while we are showering together. This did not make me happy and have since told him that if he does it again it is grounds for divorce.

Seriously.

It's gross.

Sarah P said...

Hil.Arious.
"Bloooiinnng bbbringg..fllloiinnng...joownnggg"

Becky..AMHW said...

Women do all that juicy bodily fluid stuff in the shower too. They do. Really. YES THEY DO!

...oh...it's just me.

Shit.

carissajade said...

You should be proud!! And you should be glad he just thinks of it as a guitar. I once babysat his kid who grabbed his thing, pointed at me and screamed "GHOST BUSTERS" as he sprayed pee everywhere!

GingerMandy said...

i pee in the shower almost every morning, i enjoy it.

i'm calling chris hansen.

Joshua said...

So that's what it's for.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Hey, come back over...got an award for you.

Matt said...

"Once that water hits us, it's like a fireworks festival in a carnival of bodily fluids."

So true, so true.

And if thats all it takes to become a guitar hero, Im pretty sure my face would be on the game cover by now.

Mrs. Bitch said...

Oh, sure... You're all proud now, but just wait until the next school pageant thingy where the kids all sing as a group, and your son decides to break loose with his rendition of Jimmy Hendrix's "Star Spangled Banner" penis solo.

Christy said...

Ok, seriously, who DOESN'T pee in the shower???? It's basically part of the routine... shampoo, shave, piss...

Mrsblogalot said...

You have truly outdone yourself this time.

I will never think of Pam Anderson's vagina again without thinking of you...not like I think about it much now...but...well maybe now...well you know what I mean

You are so definitely a Blog Rock Star!!

kate said...

So...say I don't have a penis to practice said shower-guitaring with. Does that mean that I'm doomed to be boo'd off of Guitar Hero while playing something horrible like Modest Mouse while on the special-kid-beginner-mode forever? Damnit.

LBluca77 said...

I'm kinda mad you didn't come up with that poster first also. It's like you are losing your touch in your old age.

Moooooog35 said...

Travis: Dude..I wish I wasn't. I wish there was some other way.

But then, hey...no blog post.

Jay: Traumarousal, as it's called in the business, is what I do best.

That and juggle.

JenJen: You condition? Silly women.

Lilu: I've come in second to traumatizing today. And I am sad.

Coffey: Dude..no kidding. I'm like one of those hillbilly bucket-and-string things.

Me-Me: You dirty, dirty girl.

Yankee: Who ARE you?

Sarah: nothing says funny more than a boy and his wiggly.

Becky: Wait..you shit, too?

Or did I read that wrong.

Carissa: I'm totally doing the Ghostbusters thing the next time I shower.

But I shower here at work, so it may be a little awkward.

Ginger: And I'm calling your landlord.

Joshua: You're welcome.

Lee: I will be over shortly.

That's what she said.

What?

Matt: Did I read that wrong, or did you just say you pee on your face?

Mrs. Bitch: Stop..you're gonna make me cry...

Christy: You sound hot.

Mrsblogalot: I'm a blog rock star? Just wait til you see how you become an expert at the drums!

Kate: Girls play guitar hero?

Absurd!

Lbluca: You know what they say, hit 41 and you lose all your motivational poster creativity.

I think.

I forget things.

JD at I Do Things said...

Will there be a Part 2 to this lesson? For women? Because . . . you know. We don't really have anything to strum, exactly.

Oh, never mind. I'll just go read about how to make a hot dog. I'm sure that's something women can do.

bikramyogachick said...

Cam is a chip off the 'ol block alright...
Oh, and I'm sending your wife some flipflops in the mail, as I'm sure SHE has to share a shower with you!

Don said...

My nickname in high school was Mr. Clapton van Halen! I been strokin' and stokin' that pokin' heat seakin' moisture missle for a long time now cuz.

Ed Adams said...

I knew that Guitar Hero/Downs Poster was too good to be yours.

Unfortunately, your kids tip won't help me.

I could try practicing by playing my penis in the shower, but unless I am practicing for Ukulele Hero, it won't do any good.

Elly Lou said...

Heh. Ukulele hero. I laughed so hard I almost had to take a shower.

CatLadyLarew said...

Ah, penis guitar hero... it's a beautiful thing! Tap it!

Maxie said...

Did you write this because you know that child penis is the only thing over my line??

i hate you.

Kellie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eva Gallant said...

Until now I had no idea how many perverted, crazy people there are in the blogosphere. It makes me very happy.

BTW: Drop by and check out my Monday post, Pleasure Hunt, about the search for the G-spot. You do not hold the patent on perversity.

Moooooog35 said...

bikram: CHIPS! There's something that's probably not in my shower.

Sorry..what were you saying?

Don: You know..just when I think that I have issues....

Ed: Dude..I mastered the Ukelele expert level back in the Atari days.

I'd challenge you but, um, no crossing Ukeleles.

Elly: DON'T DO IT!! HAZMAT!! HAZMAT!!

Catlady: Things are SO much harder now that my pinky is deformed.

Take that as you will.

Maxie: YOU HAVE A LINE?!?!

Kellie: BoogerSpermPee would be a great name for a rock band.

Eva: G what?

mepsipax said...

Jesus Christ Moog, I laughed so hard. Then I remembered I was alone and sure enough I had my penis out. Lol, not really or maybe???

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

That's it. I'm done drinking coffee while trying to read your posts (speaking of getting liquids everywhere). Of course, I could just read your posts in the shower. Wait, THAT didn't sound right.

Malach the Merciless said...

Have you taught him the press on prostate yet?

adrienzgirl said...

So that's why all the boys are better at Guitar Hero than me. I don't have one of those practice ones!

Damnit!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I can't use any of this. If they come out with a Maracas Hero, maybe. Shakeh shakeh shakeh....

~Kaydee~ said...

I shouldn't have laughed but I did because it's funny... have I ever told you that you're my parenting hero?

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Guitar? My wanker's more of an upright bass.

Perhaps I've said too much. As you yourself would say.

Brutalism said...

This is the reason that there should be beauty pageants for men requiring a talent portion of the competition.

I would totally watch that.

Moooooog35 said...

mepsipax: When I'm alone I always have my penis out. He likes the fresh air and vicious beating.

Nanny: Kindles can go in the shower?!?

Malach: Dude. Again. Dude.

Adrienz: I'm sure your husband would let you borrow his.

Steam Me: I small vlog entry for you!

Kaydee: I'm your parenting hero?

Your kids..so..so sad.

Knucklehead: Your wanker is a fresh water fish that's standing up?

Dude, you're weird.

Brutalism: There isn't?

* canceling Mr. America application now

The Peach Tart said...

He must have an impressive member to be able to grab it and play air guitar with it.

MommaKiss said...

Things in the shower...I miss my removable shower head...

And I'm not even LYING, my 4.5 yr old strums his junk, too. He does the "2 tap" after peeing. More than 2 makes you gay. But - he likes to sit and strum it while watching Alvin & The Chipmunks. I was horrified at first, but then figured - what the hell, he's got a long life ahead of him w/ that dinger...let him get comfy w/ it.

Mike said...

I may not have said this to you before, but you are probably the beset humor blogger on the planet. Makes the frown of being drowned in the PMS menstrual fluid of a horrible boss go away. At least for a little while.

I'm going to be sad when you either get a job that requires you to work, or die of midgetitis, and can't blog any more.

Just saying.

hiphophippie.com said...

Wait a minute, does this mean that all women don't pee in the shower?

Wow, yet another check mark in the "I Might Be a Dude with Tits" column.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Don't you think you are wasting your time trying to teach your son not to pee in the shower? How about teaching him not to masturbate in front of people. Just an idea....

Oh, and I keep a big jug of clorox in the bathroom.....for the reason you so graphically illustrated.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

now i know exactly why my husband takes EVERYTHING out of the shower before he takes a shower

and i am shivering with repulsion

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I wonder if DJ Hero would work for us girls.

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

why the tapping and/or shaking? can't boys just dab with toilet paper? i'd be thrilled if your fluids were contained in JUST the shower!

Moooooog35 said...

Peach: I honestly don't know where he gets it. I suspect the UPS guy.

MommaKiss: More than 2 taps makes you gay? I thought it just confirmed I have an issue.

Mike: Awwww. Thank you.

..I told myself I wasn't gonna cry...

I'm still not giving you a free mug.

hiphophippie: Wonderful visual. Thanks for that.

Princess: You say 'masturbating in front of people' like it's a bad thing.

Speaking: He takes everything out? What the hell does he use for targets, then?

Shield: You may be on to something (that's what she said), but I think girls are more of a Wii type.

Claire: Dab with toilet paper? You know how much time that would take?

Women be crazy.

meleah rebeccah said...

I've been officially traumatized. I am going to follow JD @ I Do Things and read about How To Make Hot dogs!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I just don't know what to say. Great blog name though I PEE IN THE SHOWER!

BTW. I just tagged you and know you have to do the Lucky Chinese 8 for good luck - seriously. If you don't do it, according to the thai prostitute you will be cursed with drain backing up in your showa!!!

Tony Spunk said...

I'm pretty sure I once had a dream like that first picture, only Ellen was the one with the cock.

Well that made my own little Captain sprint right up inside my body in horror.

Moooooog35 said...

Meleah: Godspeed, woman. Godspeed.

No idea.

Wannabe: You tagged me? I only do tagging stuff if it's in one of those all-adult parties.

Let me know.

Tony Spunk: Well..when you find yours, let me know where you find him because mine did the same thing. Nice. Job.

Funnyrunner said...

I pee in the shower, too. Lots of women do. They just won't admit it. :)

Phillipia said...

Ditto most of the above - except I do not know if my boys play penis guitar hero but I am going to ask them tonight or tomorrow or the next time I see them...

kys said...

And that's why I will never share a bathroom with my husband.

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