Digging my Grave with an Epic Mullet | Mental Poo

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Digging my Grave with an Epic Mullet

Just some thoughts from the Monster Truck show I took my kids to the other day.

Um, yeah.

I went to a monster truck show.

But I don't own any flannel shirts, hate going to Walmart, and don't want to fuck any of my cousins.


I've digressed.

Regardless..some things I thought of while watching the show:


Admittedly, this was an odd conversation to have with my 9 year old daughter.

It was, um, a little loud.

2) This may actually be a mass suicide

So, with these trucks zooming around in giant clouds of exhaust, you can't help but think that you are slowly succumbing to carbon monoxide poisoning and should be dead within an hour.

The fact that the guy driving Grave Digger was sponsored by Kool Aid and was wearing a robe didn't help.

3) This guy is my fucking HERO

Surprisingly, there was a distinct lack of white trash at the event.

I was fully expecting to see pregnant mothers smoking in tube tops and guys in cutoff denim shorts and shit but then realized, well fuck, it's like 20 degrees outside so I'm sure they're just all wearing this shit under their lumberjack outfits.

But, then...

I looked down a few rows and I saw THIS:

That, my friends...


Inside, my 1986 self was totally fucking jealous.

Not only was this guy's mullet long and flowing, but it was curly at the ends AND the guy was wearing FLANNEL!!

White trash validation WIN.

When I got home and looked at the photo, I realized something else:

Somehow, some way, the mullet chose ME to pimp it's awesomeness.


Dude, THAT is an understatement.

4) Women are women are women even when they're driving big fucking trucks

There was a truck there called 'Monster Mutt.'

Monster Mutt was all painted like a dalmation and, I swear this is true, had a big fucking tail on the back...

...and a working panting tongue.

The tongue would then actually go in and out.

Taunting me. Like every other dog shaped truck I've gone out with before.


So, they announce the driver and IT'S A WOMAN!


She must be a lesbian.

Then she comes out of the truck and talks and she's kind of cute and actually sounds like a woman and not like one of the lesbians who I'm really really afraid of (like Rosie O'Donnell or Ellen Degeneres or Gary Coleman) and I'm thinking:



Then she jumps over the cars...

...goes out of control and hits the wall.


That's a woman, all right.


So, the kids had a lot of fun and after my hearing returned to normal and my headache subsided I came home and - believe it or not - had an email for ANOTHER show in February.

So I bought tickets.

I figure that February gives me plenty of time to grow out this mullet.

Shit's gonna be EPIC.

Moog out.


Griffin said...

1986 Moooooog had epic feathered hair...And monster Truck shows are aweomse.

Unknown said...

WTF? You cut my head off in the pic! But otherwise, sounds like a good time, Shame I missed it - you would've loved the redneckapalooza I was at :)

Lee said...

We missed the monster trucks this year. Retardo wanted to take the boy...but the boy wants to go to a Rockets game. Some good mullets at those too those...HEY I live in TEXAS!

Jen O. said...

Mullets are my worst nightmare. I think people with mullets are just lazy. They start cutting the front and half way through they're like "Gah...this is too much WORK. Fuck it. Looks good."

MJenks said...

One cannot simply grow and epic mullet. The mullet has to choose the wearer. Then, and only then, can Epic Mullet be achieved.

JenJen said...

Laughing aloud at the OMG OMG OMG...
That guy could have totallllly beat your ass for taking that pic though.

kate sweeten said...

The WWE is doing a show in Kansas City right around Valentine's Day. My husband and I thought that it could be pretty funny to get good and drunk and go if for no other reason than to do an epic mullet count all night.

Brutalism said...

I stopped reading after "I don't want to fuck my cousin." It's like I don't know you anymore...

Unknown said...

You were cute in your mullet!

That Kind of Girl said...

I just. I just. I just want to say "pubic mullet". That's apropos of not much, except: 1) I'd like to imagine it peeking out the bottom of preggo smoker mom's cut-offs; 2) I might have to grow one out and blog about it. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Miss Yvonne said...

The saddest part of the Monster Truck Rally is the drivers signing autographs after the show. They sign their truck's names instead of their own. Fame fail.

MrsBlogAlot said...

I have a severe case of mullet envy now

LBluca77 said...

Monster Trucks = stuff white people like.

Ducky said...

Monster Mutt and Grave Digger are the bestest!

It's coming to our city in Feb....may just have to go...so I can show you up with photos. Midwest Monster Truck Jams? MASS MULLET APPEARANCES

Elly Lou said...

Candice Jolly? That sounds like some bizarre stripper name cum character from Willy Wonka. I'm all kinds of confused now.

Sean said...

1983: I cut my hair into a mullet and PERM the back...but something goes terribly wrong. The stylist used the wrong size curler and I basically had an afro mullet.

Who cares. I was gonna be a fucking ROCK STAR!!

I sit at a desk and program software now. And I STILL can't bring myself to go see a monster truck rally!!

You took one for the team.


Moooooog35 said...

Griffin: The ARE aweomse.

Yes...I'm making fun of your typo.

Jay: Dude..the glasses you were wearing in that photo almost showed up anyway. You could burn buildings with those things.

Lee: Yet another reason besides Tony Romo that I'm glad I don't live in Texas.

Jen O.: LAZY?! That right there is pure American craftsmanship.

For shame, woman. For shame.

Mjenks: Amen, brotha.

JenJen: Um, hello? Purple belt. Jeez.

Yeah..I should run.

Kate: Make sure your calculator can do infinity.

Brutalism: I know...sometimes we stray from the fold...

Eva: I know. That's why I said it. Narcissism and all, you know.

But thanks for validating.

That Kind: Please refrain from photos. Thanks in advance.

Yvonne: And you know this because you've stood in line for them, haven't you? HAVEN'T YOU?!

I was wondering who those people were.

This explains a lot.

Mrsblogalot: Mullet envy. That needs to be on Urban Dictionary stat.

Lbluca: Yep..it's right next to 'skiing.'

Daffy: Somehow I feel a run on Schlitz coming to your city..

Elly: Candy Jolly...you're right! How the Hell did I miss that?

I'm losing it.

Sean: ..and the pics are..where?

Did you look like you had a little Bill Cosby hanging from your neck?

Ed: I admit nothing but, um, you're right...nothing says 'hot' like a chick in a Jurassic Park t-shirt.

G said...

next time you invite me. No more discussion.
lesbians, mullets, cousin humping.
yes please.

Vodka Logic said...

Yep a girl still a mullet..they don't discriminate. Cant wait to see yours.

I have tagged you on my blog, come and see :)

Me-Me King said...

Business in the front, party in the back. Isn't that how you live your life?

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Was the girl with the Brooke Shields eyebrows (and height) your date?

I'm thinking of taking my boys to Monster Jam....just so I can people watch.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

Seriously, you really shouldn't post photos of my dad without asking me. WTF?!


Kellie said...

I hope you are seriously going to grow a mullet for the Feb show. That would be EPIC. Do it!

Maxie said...

I would totally do my 3rd cousin if they were hot.

2nd even, maybe.

How how are we talking here?

Maxie said...

look at that. i'm obviously inbred since I can't even type a fucking sentence.

correction: How hot are we talking here?

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Yes, you took one for the team. I don't even know if they have monster truck rallies in NorCal.

Nope, not even tempted to research that thought.

You are da Man.

hiphophippie.com said...

I need a dog truck with a licking tongue. Neeeeeeeeeeeed.

Jen said...

That Mullet gets extra awesomeness points for incorporating the comb over. Amateurs couldn't work that out, for professionals only.

Chicks a lesbian.

Moooooog35 said...

Martinis: I KNOW, right? What's not to love? Except the whole carbon monoxide poisoning thing, I mean.

Vodka: I've been tagged AGAIN?

I'm starting to feel dirty.

Me-Me: Is that some weird bumsex reference?

I'm not sure.

Don: Dude..south is still the south. They ask for it.

Princess: It's SO worth it just to think, 'man..so THAT'S where I'd be today if I had no edumacation.'

Naomi: HE SENT THEM. I didn't think I needed his permission.

Kellie: I'm doubling up my Rogaine intake for this very purpose.

Maxie: how how? You're not inBRED. You're inDIAN.

MadWoman: No monster truck rallies in Northern California? I thought it was the rednecks who started all the fires, there..no?

hiphop: Woman, you have issues. And that's coming from ME.

Jen: Ya think she's a lesbo? I'm still on the fence.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

I repeat:

Was the girl with the Brooke Shields eyebrows (and height) your date?

Coffeypot said...

Women drivers...they also gave them the right to vote, thus Clinton and Obama.

justsomethoughts... said...

the mullet was notice-worthy
so nice to be chosen to witness greatness

Chris said...

Sorry to say, I've never been to a monster truck show. I have, however, been to a few NASCAR races, and it's pretty much the same demographic. Not a fun crowd, by any means.

Unknown said...

I took the kids last year and one of the trucks completely assed it, flipped and hit a wall. AWESOME.

Moooooog35 said...

Princess: What your are looking there is actually the Senior banquet for my High School class. There you have, in order:

Tallest Female
Shortest Male (waves hi)
Tallest Male

No..she was not my date.

Not that I wouldn't TOTALLY hit that.

Coffey: I KNOW WTF?!

Justsomethoughts: I thought that God putting 'dominator' there was an elegant touch.

Knucklehead: I think if you go to a Nascar race, you get into Monster Truck shows free.

Some hillbilly buy one, get one deal.

Alex: That would have been awesome. My luck, though, it would have hit this guy's mullet and flipped back over on all wheels.

My luck SUCKS.

UberGrumpy said...

Damn. This is the best post ever. I just about pissed myself. Then I pissed myself again because it felt good.

I can't tell whether she is a lesbian - can we have a picture of the shoes? Is she wearing Dr. Martin's Air-Cushioned Boots? If so, she is. If not, she probably still is.

Kurt said...

Mullets are God's way of saying 'What the fuck is wrong with your hair?" Wait. I did that wrong.

nipsy said...

I have to say my little poo friend:

ONE OF YOUR BEST POSTS EVER!! I laughed so long and hard..

Also loving the new look!

Can't wait for the next monster truck..

Oh, one point of disagreement: Nipsy here wears flannels all the time, and as my ass can attest, I am in no WAY a lesbian..but I am a hillbilly.. :)

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Nope. No problems with the comments.

And I'm sure you would hit that.

Name one chick you wouldn't hit...at least if you were drunk.

Mepsipax said...

Whooo hoo. A female with a mullet has a femullet. Actual term. That was an awesome fucking post.

Moooooog35 said...

Uber: I suppose that explains the urinific smell in here.

Kurt: God has a mullet. You just got yourself a one way ticket to Hell.

See you there! Bring chips!

Nipsy: You had me at 'long and hard.'

Wait. What?

Princess: Hm...k. Thanks!

One chick I wouldn't hit...Sarah Jessica Parker. Not even if you paid me.

I dry heave just thinking about it.

And by 'it' I mean 'her.'

Mepsipax: That's a guy. Just sayin. Not sure if that's where you were going with that..but I did.

deBeauxOs said...

Moooooog35 - You're weird AND warped.

I love that in a man - and bonus!!! you have a blog.

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