Just some thoughts from the Monster Truck show I took my kids to the other day.
I went to a monster truck show.
But I don't own any flannel shirts, hate going to Walmart, and don't want to fuck any of my cousins.
I AM AN ENIGMA!
Regardless..some things I thought of while watching the show:
1) WHAT?! WHAT?! SPEAK LOUDER!! WHAT?! YOU LIKE BLUE SQUIRRELS?! I CAN'T HEAR A FUCKING THING! NO! I DON'T WANT TO FUCK BLUE SQUIRRELS!
Admittedly, this was an odd conversation to have with my 9 year old daughter.
It was, um, a little loud.
2) This may actually be a mass suicide
So, with these trucks zooming around in giant clouds of exhaust, you can't help but think that you are slowly succumbing to carbon monoxide poisoning and should be dead within an hour.
The fact that the guy driving Grave Digger was sponsored by Kool Aid and was wearing a robe didn't help.
3) This guy is my fucking HERO
Surprisingly, there was a distinct lack of white trash at the event.
I was fully expecting to see pregnant mothers smoking in tube tops and guys in cutoff denim shorts and shit but then realized, well fuck, it's like 20 degrees outside so I'm sure they're just all wearing this shit under their lumberjack outfits.
I looked down a few rows and I saw THIS:
That, my friends...
Inside, my 1986 self was totally fucking jealous.
Not only was this guy's mullet long and flowing, but it was curly at the ends AND the guy was wearing FLANNEL!!
White trash validation WIN.
When I got home and looked at the photo, I realized something else:
Somehow, some way, the mullet chose ME to pimp it's awesomeness.
Dude, THAT is an understatement.
4) Women are women are women even when they're driving big fucking trucks
There was a truck there called 'Monster Mutt.'
Monster Mutt was all painted like a dalmation and, I swear this is true, had a big fucking tail on the back...
...and a working panting tongue.
The tongue would then actually go in and out.
Taunting me. Like every other dog shaped truck I've gone out with before.
So, they announce the driver and IT'S A WOMAN!
A WOMAN IN A TRUCK?! THE ABSURDITY OF IT ALL!
She must be a lesbian.
Then she comes out of the truck and talks and she's kind of cute and actually sounds like a woman and not like one of the lesbians who I'm really really afraid of (like Rosie O'Donnell or Ellen Degeneres or Gary Coleman) and I'm thinking:
Then she jumps over the cars...
...goes out of control and hits the wall.
That's a woman, all right.
So, the kids had a lot of fun and after my hearing returned to normal and my headache subsided I came home and - believe it or not - had an email for ANOTHER show in February.
So I bought tickets.
I figure that February gives me plenty of time to grow out this mullet.
Shit's gonna be EPIC.