Pornographic Astrology and Breakfast Sausages | Mental Poo

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Pornographic Astrology and Breakfast Sausages

Just file this under "The Stupid Shit I Think About" and let's call it a day.

I saw one of those stupid fucking Jimmy Dean commercials where it has become apparent to me that retirement hasn't been good to Larry Bird or maybe that guy from 'Babe' if he's stuffing himself in a goddamn sun suit and hawking breakfast sausage sandwiches.

jimmy dean larry bird and the guy from babe
That'll do, pig.

That'll do.

NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM.

In this one commercial, Larry-Bird-James-Cromwell-Jimmy-Dean-Sun-Guy (LBJCJDSG) is making breakfast.

FOR HIS FAMILY.


????

How does this guy have a goddamn family?

HE IS A FLAMING BALL OF GAS.

(shout out to my dad here)

So, of course I'm sitting there and thinking shit like:

1) How does the sun possibly get laid?

jimmy dean doggy style

2) Wouldn't his kids be, like, small stars or some shit?

giving birth to a star

3) When the sun ejaculates, is it in the form of, like, a solar flare?

solar flare bukkake

4) Is his wife made of teflon? How the Hell hasn't he cauterized her vagina shut?

cauterized vajayjay

This is shit I think of.

Don't ask why...doctors are stumped.

But this is also why my wife hates watching television with me.

You should see what I think of when those Aflac commercials come on with that annoying duck and the black guy who's always like, 'Whadafuck I just see?'

Seriously. It's not pretty.

Just like Mrs. Sun's cauterized labia.

53 comments:

Momma Fargo said...

LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! Then I realized I am the only idiot besides you up this time of day reading this shit! I think you made me laugh so hard I peed myself.

Mrsblogalot said...

OMFG!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! A star is born....I'm trying to see past the tears to type this. I can't do it. You are beyond funnier than shit!

Wicked Shawn said...

Not The Face!! This will forever be "burned" in my mind. (yes, I did, I snuck in a pun, even after just one cup of coffee and at oh fuck it's early, I managed it)

I love your oddly shaped, warped mind!!!

Ben said...

I don't know whether to be annoyed or impressed with your pun captions. Maybe I'll stick to turned on.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Thank you for putting into words what I think we've all been wondering! What a great, important public service you performed today!

Linnnn said...

My bad! My bad! Oh THAT was hi-larious!

sexnfries said...

That is too funny and I mean TOO funny, I mean it hurts funny....it better not stick with me the whole day, I won't get anything done...but wait..that might be the best excuse yet..blame you and your blog for me not getting anything done all day long...I am on to something.

BigSis said...

You have outdone yourself. This is freaking fantastic (in a very disturbing way.)

WILLIAM said...

Giving birth to a nebula can also cause a woman to get a bad case of Asteroids. Which I recommend some tucks pads or Prep H to fix.

Mike said...

Wow.

And I thought my brain didn't work straight.

This is why I keep coming back.

The Shitty Astrologer said...

And I thought I was The Shittiest Astrologer in the known Universe...

Moooooog35 said...

Momma: Thank you. Apparently I encourage incontinence.

Mrsblogalot: Funnier than shit? Wow...thanks for the..um..compliment..

?

Wicked: That'll do, Wicked. That'll do.

Ben: Don't go and get me all hot at this early hour, you tease.

Anything: It's what I do.

Sadly.

Linnn: Not for the chick, that's for sure.

sexnfries: I also use my blog as an excuse for not getting any work done.

My boss is pretty peeved.

BigSis: If I could outdo myself, I'd be home right now outdoing the crap out of me.

No idea what that means.

Euphemism FAIL.

William: I think it's Assteroids, actually.

But good point.

Mike: Welcome to my world.

It's so LOUD in here.

Shitty: See? YOU should have put this up on YOUR site ages ago. Why keep this a secret?

Sarah P said...

I LOVE THAT GUY!

This is like porn for me.

I'm going to go masturbate with a soldering iron now. Thanks!

Travis said...

You leave Larry Bird the hell out of it.

I've tolerated you slamming God, Jesus and the Bible...

But you keep your dirty mind off of the greatest NBA player ever.

Oh. And "not on the face?"

That was the funniest shit of the day.

LiLu said...

You are soooooooooooooooooooooo

punny.

Miss Yvonne said...

Where exactly is the penis located on the sun? I'm totally pausing the dvr next time I see this commercial and finding that bitch.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Wow. It must be exhausting to be your brains, what with all the existential angst and the fact the blood is always rushing south... LOL. I DO so always think the Sun guy looks like Larry Bird! But I never voiced it for fear of being ridiculed. I salute you Brave One. And the children thing... I just assumed that he's like Zeus in the Greek Mythology in which he turned himself into various animals whenever a maiden caught his fancy. He liked to turn into BULL a lot. A lot.

Don said...

And this is why when the sun finally burns out or explodes we won't need condoms anymore.

JD at I Do Things said...

Why is naked Mrs. Sun a stick figure? She looks pretty corporeal in the other pictures.

(This is the shit I think about.)

Gauche said...

OMG! Moog, damnit! Now I'm not going to be able to get that out of my head. All of it. I'll need medication now. Curse you!

on a side note: Those pictures were just damn funny my friend. good job!

Christine said...

Okkk now THAT needs to be set to music and posted on youtube. Get busy.

Eva Gallant said...

Your wife is a saint; either that or she is seriously warped herself to survive living with a twisted, perverted individual like you. Do her sides ache from laughing all the time?
This was one or your best efforts!

shine said...

I think I'm going to sue Jimmy Dean for using my name without my permission.

And the only thing I'm going to require as payment is for him to pull those fucking commercials. Otherwise, I'm going to have to find him and beat him senseless with his own sausage.

Brutalism said...

Two questions:

If the purpose is to sell the sausage, you'd think they'd want to show a picture. Why is the sun hiding the sausage?

Is that a gaseous ring around Uranus?

hiphophippie.com said...

So THAT'S how all my pubic hair got singed. Good to know.

Matt said...

Now THIS is what I call science.

Moooooog35 said...

Sarah: That's a great visual. Thanks a lot.

Travis: Dude..remember..I'm from Boston. Larry Dude is an icon here. It pained me to do that.

Lilu: Reach for the stars, they say.

I have short arms.

Yvonne: It's just north of the sun spot.

Absence: That's a whole lot of stuff I didn't really need to know.

So, you know, thanks.

Don: Quick! Call Stephen Hawking!

JD: Corporeal?

She's not in an army uniform AT ALL.

wtf.

Gauche: Get it out of YOUR head? Just think what mine looks like.

Spooky.

Christine: But first, I must make the puppets!

Eva: No..her sides don't hurt from laughing.

After a while, this shit just gets annoying.

Shine: Your real name is Jimmy Dean?

I think I missed something.

Brutalism: What's funny is that the sausage is actually close to the eggs.

hiphop: "OH mr. sun..sun...mr. golden sun..please OWWWWWW!!!"

Matt: The more you know.

Sarah P said...

You're welcome. Blistering provides lubrication.

My husband is all up in your blog now. He made me read about urinal cakes. Had never read that post before. You're a special kind of disturbed.

Miss Yvonne - isn't it obvious? The penis is a ray of sunshine.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Once again I am poised to give a wiseass comment and find myself completely speechless. Apart from that star being born illustration which made me crick something in my neck by making me spontaneously guffaw while at a weird angle. So thanks. For that. I guess.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Astronomy puns, wow. I'm really impressed right now. I knew you'd work Uranus into it somehow. Heh.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Moog, you have entirely too much time on your hands.
We thank you.

Ziva said...

I have never been happier not to be American - if I had to watch commercials like that every day, I would probably end up in that very special place where you seem to be blogging from. Although, I have to say, your posts are pretty damn funny so maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

soccermom said...

ROTFLMAO- But seriously dude, I think you might have a problem. You should go get that checked out.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

by far your most revolting yet

Anonymous said...

'Whadafuck I just see?' hahahahahahaa

meleah rebeccah said...

AhahahhaahHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahha

"A star is born"

OMFG. HILARIOUS!!!!!!

Becky..AMHW said...

Blink...

Goddamn, I'm gonna watch me some weather channel.

Elly Lou said...

Extra points for selecting the most nut-busting face stills for your illustrations. I'm going to see nothing but O face when those commercials play from now on. Summabitch.

Sarah P said...

I've been singing Elton John all day because of that last photo.

"Don't let the su-u-un go down on me."

It's a lot more desperate in this context.

MommaKiss said...

Totally made my day, I was just too lazy to click over to comment earlier. This time I actually feel sorry for the wife. I can picture the epic eye rolls (I'm really good at them myself).

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

"Hey baby, wanna see the sun rise?"

"Here comes the sun, da da da da..."

"And THAT'S what they call sun stroke."

Christina In Wonderland said...

I think I laughed so hard my kidney's exploded. Your blog seems to have that effect on my internal organs. :)

Vodka Logic said...

You think of this shit and 40+ people comment on it.. what does that say about us.. we are all fucked.

Colby said...

You had me at nebula.

Malach the Merciless said...

Silly, it is just a costume

JenJen said...

I just worry about you moogsy. You are seriously in need of--well to be honest? that first graphic of the GIANT ball of fire with spikes pulling on a stick figure trying to do her doggy style is pretty goddamn funny.

R.W. Wells said...

The fog will burn off, the skies will clear, and the sun will roll out...and all I'll think about is that post...good god...funny!

Ed said...

Maybe it's not a solar flare, but a "Milky way".

Nah...yours is better.

DAMN IT!

Charm City Barfly said...

Great. Now I have these images stuck in my head as well as the image of a burnt cooch.

Why.

sarah said...

cauterized. labia.


i think that says it all.

Arya said...

hahaha, very funny story. I think you can tell other funny story.
Thanks for your funny story.

Maxie said...

My biggest concern is what sun jizz tastes like... sunny d? sun chips? cinnamon?

all amazing options. I'd take some mouth burns for that trade.

Waltsense.com said...

to funny. I am still worked up over Maxie's response but I will now look at my sausage in a different light.

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