Mrs. Claire Page Needs My Help!! | Mental Poo

Monday, March 15, 2010

Mrs. Claire Page Needs My Help!!

I love spam.

Not the fake mutated pig stuff...although that's really really good too.

Email spam.

I got this email the other day (click to enlarge):

From: INFO

I am Mrs Claire page i am sick in the hospital.

Please contact my lawyer.




For the record, I don't know who the fuck Mrs. Claire Page is.

Wow. She really does look like she needs medical attention.

Should I...should I reply?



Here's what I sent back:




Dear Mr. Landonwatson Barr,




I just got an email that Mrs. Claire Page is sick in the hospital and that I needed to contact you immediately! I have immediately dropped what I was doing (helping starving children in third world countries - FUCK YOU, Sally Struthers!) because of this situation.

Is she okay? Was it food poisoning? It was food poisoning, wasn't it? I told Mrs. Claire Page over and over and over again that her love of those delicious enchiladas would be the end of her but did Mrs. Claire Page listen to me? Nooooooooooo. Of course not. Now Mrs. Claire Page has only one person to blame.

No, not herself. The guy who made the enchiladas.

Why don't you ever just LISTEN to me Mr. Landonwatson Barr?

(Is it Landon Watson, or Landon Barr Watson (Landon is a KICK ASS name, by the way - kudos to you AND you're a lawyer?! You must have whores EVERYWHERE. Please send one as starving children in third world countries are in DIRE need of unprotected sex with crack whores and by 'third world countries' I mean 'me.' Thank you in advance.))

Where was I?


Mrs. Claire Page!! How dost thoust I forget?! (olde English makes everything sound classy, am I right? Of COURSETH I am..eth.)

So, Mrs. Claire Page told me to contact you.

Am I in trouble? I'm just curious because there's NO way you can pull fingerprints off an enchilada (been there, done that) although - to be honest with you - there MAY be some small traces of DNA in it (that ain't sour cream, if you know what I'm saying, Landonwatson. And I think you do. *wink. Don't act you've never had sex with Mexican food before).

In closing, let Mrs. Claire Page know that she's in my thoughts and that I'm waiting with an anxious bosom for your return email. I know it's anxious because my nipples get itchy. Doctor said it was a side effect of the Oxycontin but I seriously think it's just my pecs getting antsy.

Talk to you soon Mr. Landonwatson Barr.

Yours in Christ,

Barack Obama

(I'm not the actual President, but I changed my name because I thought it would be cool to have as a white Republican - the prostitutes at the Republican National Convention are gonna LAUGH their asses off)


Sadly, I have not heard back.

I'm assuming Mr. Landonwatson Barr is busy taking care of Mrs. Claire Page's estate.

Poor bitch.


MrsBlogAlot said...

I think you might now be on the do not spam list.

Sarah said...

You're going to get one of those spammy form e-mails back. Humor is lost on spammers.

Brutalism said...

Mr. Landwatson Barr has no sense of humor-eth. (You're right...classy!)

rachaelgking said...

The day *you're* classy is the day *I'm* classy, my friend.

Oh. Did I just ZING myself?


adrienzgirl said...

You can flower that email up with all the Old English you want, it's still just SPAM.

Just sayin'

MommaKiss said...

Enchilada sex is highly underrated.

I prefer the taco, though.

The Shitty Astrologer said...

Now you've gone and done will so be left out of the inheritance* you fool! How could you balk at this kind of luck!

(*The inheritance you have to send $6,000 to Mr. Barr to collect, and then another $12,000 in administration fees before they can release the funds to you. And then don't forget Mr. Barr's benevolence fee of $25,000 for all the effort on your behalf.)

Ducky said...

You puteth the asseth in classy-eth

Moooooog35 said...

Mrsblogalot: I hope not. These posts pretty much write themselves.

Sarah: I can only pray for more spam.

Lilu: I hear you zing yourself all the time. Or is that just a filthy rumor?

Adrienzgirl: You're right. Maybe I'll deflower it instead.

Momma: Hey..who doesn't, really?

Gruntilda: If you want it, just send me your bank info and I'll forward it on.


Donnie said...

I happen to know Clair Page and Landonwatson Barr personally. They share a desire to take over the planet.
The "Clair" you have pictured is actually Mr. Barr. The real Clair has more fucking hair on her head and a six inch scar across her face from an old hockey fight. Don't be deceived by these evil doers. Just believe everything I tell you and you shall survive. Peace.

Diva's Thoughts said...

I got that same email by her this weekend. Hmmmm... Apparently, my email has also won millions of dollars this weekend as well. I had no idea my email had entered any lotteries. I'm so damn jealous.

Maxie said...

please start using a real email address.

next thing we know you'll be sending us a screen shot of your new AOL email address.

Unknown said...

So sorry to hear you were omitted from the amended will!

Lee said...

You are the only person I know who spams back. Hysterical.

Kellie said...

I love it when you spam these spammers. They have no idea what they are getting themselves into when they write you.

For what it's worth, Hotmail's spam catcher doesn't catch shit either. Useless p.o.s.

Elly Lou said...

Extra points for finding an excuse to draw red arrows on her boobs.

lbluca77 said...

Reading this and trying to comment on this nearly crashed my work computer. That's how fucking powerful you are.

Momma Fargo said...

Oh, you showed him.

Now he's going to show you by sending your email to Big Brother and rat on you for impersonating the President.

I'll send chocolate chip cookies...and SPAM.

Chris said...

You're missing the obvious. The lawyer's name is Landon Watson, and he PASSED the barr. Dude just can't spell.

Anonymous said...

Sorry - but you are too late. If you google her name you will find out she just couldn't take it anymore and shot herself in the head!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news.

Colby said...

It never occurred to me to respond to one of those e-mails. Do you find people telling you you're inspirational?

Miss Yvonne said...

My husband responded to one of those spam emails and almost got the guy to agree to send us a wooden animal carving in exchange for money. For reals.

bikramyogachick said...

either that or he's trying to figure out if he can actually fornicate with mexican food....

Moooooog35 said...

Don: You, sir, are a magnificent specimen.

Tee: WHAT?! Is she double-dipping?!

Maxie: ..along with my dial-up account number.

Eva: S-U-X, sucks.

Lee: Thank you. I'm here for you.

* points at crotch

Kellie: I should invent a spam catcher that actually works but then, NO POST.

Elly: Like I need an excuse.

Lbluca: Even creepier? I made that happen with MY MIND.

You should see what I'm doing to your lingerie drawer right now.


Chris: This would have been good information YESTERDAY.

Anonymous: Well. Now. That's just tragic.


Colby: Counting you? Yes. One.


bikram: it's only impossible if you don't BELIEVE.

Catlady: I originally read that as 'hot dog' wife and now I'm hungry.

Hungry for ho dogs.


meleah rebeccah said...

"there MAY be some small traces of DNA in it (that ain't sour cream)"

hands down, you write 'The Best' replies to spam emails. EVER.

LB said...

Moooog, do you have a real job?? Or is it a government job? I'm starting to suspect you have excess time on your hands. This is a first...I've never actually known anyone to answer their SPAM. Let me know when you get a reply.

Malach the Merciless said...

You get the one where a relative in stuck in London and needs some money wired?

Coffeypot said...

LB, Moooog is a Democrat...he doesn't have to work.

Ziva said...

I once tried to get in touch with Anna, whom I found in my spam folder. She said she was looking for love and that I was her soulmate. I was devastated when she didn't get back to me. I hope you have better luck helping Mrs Claire Page.

Moooooog35 said...

LB: That's not excess time on my hands.

On that note, can you be a dear and go grab me a tissue?

Malach: No. Damn. You're SO lucky.

Coffey: Dude..never, EVER, accuse me of the 'D' word.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Ed: That would make you 'Ed Page' who, ironically, is one of my best friends.

I knew you looked familiar.


I'm sorry for your loss.

Or not.


Jessica said...

I think the e-mail came from your kids in the other room trying to extort money from you?

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I ate some enchiladas today and now I'm gonna take a Claire.

TM said...

hi friends .. I like this article very helpful for me,,,,

The Random Blogette said...

Oh hell! I am so glad that I found your blog today. I needed some great fuckery to brighten my day!

LivingDeadNurse said...

awesome! thanks for the laugh

Anonymous said...

too bad you replied to the provided e-mail address. all you did was verify for the spammers that the address you used to send it is valid. expect to hear from lots more mrs. claire pages, i'm afraid.
just got the same e-mail today. and did what i always do with spam: did a traceroute to find the server from which it was sent and complained to the ISP. and cc'd (which won't cause any action to be taken, but will enter the spam in to the u.s. gov database).
next time, use arin whois and send it back to the source. that way we at least have a chance of stopping them.
your post if very funny, however.

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