I love spam.
Not the fake mutated pig stuff...although that's really really good too.
Email spam.
I got this email the other day (click to enlarge):
********************
To: midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com
From: INFO
Subject: CONTACT MY LAWYER
I am Mrs Claire page i am sick in the hospital.
Please contact my lawyer.
Email(barr_landonwatson08@gala.net)
********************
*blink
For the record, I don't know who the fuck Mrs. Claire Page is.
Wow. She really does look like she needs medical attention.
Should I...should I reply?
Um...
DUH.
Here's what I sent back:
********************
To: barr_landonwatson08@gala.net
From: midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com
Dear Mr. Landonwatson Barr,
OH.
MY.
GOD!!!
I just got an email that Mrs. Claire Page is sick in the hospital and that I needed to contact you immediately! I have immediately dropped what I was doing (helping starving children in third world countries - FUCK YOU, Sally Struthers!) because of this situation.
Is she okay? Was it food poisoning? It was food poisoning, wasn't it? I told Mrs. Claire Page over and over and over again that her love of those delicious enchiladas would be the end of her but did Mrs. Claire Page listen to me? Nooooooooooo. Of course not. Now Mrs. Claire Page has only one person to blame.
No, not herself. The guy who made the enchiladas.
Why don't you ever just LISTEN to me Mr. Landonwatson Barr?
(Is it Landon Watson, or Landon Barr Watson (Landon is a KICK ASS name, by the way - kudos to you AND you're a lawyer?! You must have whores EVERYWHERE. Please send one as starving children in third world countries are in DIRE need of unprotected sex with crack whores and by 'third world countries' I mean 'me.' Thank you in advance.))
Where was I?
OH!
Mrs. Claire Page!! How dost thoust I forget?! (olde English makes everything sound classy, am I right? Of COURSETH I am..eth.)
So, Mrs. Claire Page told me to contact you.
Am I in trouble? I'm just curious because there's NO way you can pull fingerprints off an enchilada (been there, done that) although - to be honest with you - there MAY be some small traces of DNA in it (that ain't sour cream, if you know what I'm saying, Landonwatson. And I think you do. *wink. Don't act coy..like you've never had sex with Mexican food before).
In closing, let Mrs. Claire Page know that she's in my thoughts and that I'm waiting with an anxious bosom for your return email. I know it's anxious because my nipples get itchy. Doctor said it was a side effect of the Oxycontin but I seriously think it's just my pecs getting antsy.
Talk to you soon Mr. Landonwatson Barr.
Yours in Christ,
Barack Obama
(I'm not the actual President, but I changed my name because I thought it would be cool to have as a white Republican - the prostitutes at the Republican National Convention are gonna LAUGH their asses off)
********************
Sadly, I have not heard back.
I'm assuming Mr. Landonwatson Barr is busy taking care of Mrs. Claire Page's estate.
Poor bitch.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Mrs. Claire Page Needs My Help!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
36 comments:
I think you might now be on the do not spam list.
You're going to get one of those spammy form e-mails back. Humor is lost on spammers.
Mr. Landwatson Barr has no sense of humor-eth. (You're right...classy!)
The day *you're* classy is the day *I'm* classy, my friend.
Oh. Did I just ZING myself?
Whoops.
You can flower that email up with all the Old English you want, it's still just SPAM.
Just sayin'
Enchilada sex is highly underrated.
I prefer the taco, though.
Now you've gone and done it...you will so be left out of the inheritance* you fool! How could you balk at this kind of luck!
(*The inheritance you have to send $6,000 to Mr. Barr to collect, and then another $12,000 in administration fees before they can release the funds to you. And then don't forget Mr. Barr's benevolence fee of $25,000 for all the effort on your behalf.)
You puteth the asseth in classy-eth
Mrsblogalot: I hope not. These posts pretty much write themselves.
Sarah: I can only pray for more spam.
Lilu: I hear you zing yourself all the time. Or is that just a filthy rumor?
Adrienzgirl: You're right. Maybe I'll deflower it instead.
Momma: Hey..who doesn't, really?
Gruntilda: If you want it, just send me your bank info and I'll forward it on.
Promise.
I happen to know Clair Page and Landonwatson Barr personally. They share a desire to take over the planet.
The "Clair" you have pictured is actually Mr. Barr. The real Clair has more fucking hair on her head and a six inch scar across her face from an old hockey fight. Don't be deceived by these evil doers. Just believe everything I tell you and you shall survive. Peace.
I got that same email by her this weekend. Hmmmm... Apparently, my email has also won millions of dollars this weekend as well. I had no idea my email had entered any lotteries. I'm so damn jealous.
please start using a real email address.
next thing we know you'll be sending us a screen shot of your new AOL email address.
So sorry to hear you were omitted from the amended will!
You are the only person I know who spams back. Hysterical.
I love it when you spam these spammers. They have no idea what they are getting themselves into when they write you.
For what it's worth, Hotmail's spam catcher doesn't catch shit either. Useless p.o.s.
Extra points for finding an excuse to draw red arrows on her boobs.
Reading this and trying to comment on this nearly crashed my work computer. That's how fucking powerful you are.
Oh, you showed him.
Now he's going to show you by sending your email to Big Brother and rat on you for impersonating the President.
I'll send chocolate chip cookies...and SPAM.
You're missing the obvious. The lawyer's name is Landon Watson, and he PASSED the barr. Dude just can't spell.
Sorry - but you are too late. If you google her name you will find out she just couldn't take it anymore and shot herself in the head!
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=9406E1DF103BEE32A25752C1A9649C946195D6CF
I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
It never occurred to me to respond to one of those e-mails. Do you find people telling you you're inspirational?
My husband responded to one of those spam emails and almost got the guy to agree to send us a wooden animal carving in exchange for money. For reals.
either that or he's trying to figure out if he can actually fornicate with mexican food....
Don: You, sir, are a magnificent specimen.
Tee: WHAT?! Is she double-dipping?!
Maxie: ..along with my dial-up account number.
Eva: S-U-X, sucks.
Lee: Thank you. I'm here for you.
* points at crotch
Kellie: I should invent a spam catcher that actually works but then, NO POST.
Elly: Like I need an excuse.
Lbluca: Even creepier? I made that happen with MY MIND.
You should see what I'm doing to your lingerie drawer right now.
Momma: YAY FOR COOKIES!
Chris: This would have been good information YESTERDAY.
Anonymous: Well. Now. That's just tragic.
HAHAHHAHAHAHAhA.
Colby: Counting you? Yes. One.
Miss Yvonne: OMG NOW I WANT A WOOD CARVING!!
bikram: it's only impossible if you don't BELIEVE.
Catlady: I originally read that as 'hot dog' wife and now I'm hungry.
Hungry for ho dogs.
nomnomnom.
"there MAY be some small traces of DNA in it (that ain't sour cream)"
hands down, you write 'The Best' replies to spam emails. EVER.
Moooog, do you have a real job?? Or is it a government job? I'm starting to suspect you have excess time on your hands. This is a first...I've never actually known anyone to answer their SPAM. Let me know when you get a reply.
You get the one where a relative in stuck in London and needs some money wired?
LB, Moooog is a Democrat...he doesn't have to work.
I once tried to get in touch with Anna, whom I found in my spam folder. She said she was looking for love and that I was her soulmate. I was devastated when she didn't get back to me. I hope you have better luck helping Mrs Claire Page.
LB: That's not excess time on my hands.
On that note, can you be a dear and go grab me a tissue?
Malach: No. Damn. You're SO lucky.
Coffey: Dude..never, EVER, accuse me of the 'D' word.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Ed: That would make you 'Ed Page' who, ironically, is one of my best friends.
I knew you looked familiar.
Ziva: THE PAIN YOU MUST FEEL!!!
I'm sorry for your loss.
Or not.
Whatever.
I think the e-mail came from your kids in the other room trying to extort money from you?
I ate some enchiladas today and now I'm gonna take a Claire.
hi friends .. I like this article very helpful for me,,,,
Oh hell! I am so glad that I found your blog today. I needed some great fuckery to brighten my day!
awesome! thanks for the laugh
too bad you replied to the provided e-mail address. all you did was verify for the spammers that the address you used to send it is valid. expect to hear from lots more mrs. claire pages, i'm afraid.
just got the same e-mail today. and did what i always do with spam: did a traceroute to find the server from which it was sent and complained to the ISP. and cc'd spam@ftc.gov (which won't cause any action to be taken, but will enter the spam in to the u.s. gov database).
next time, use arin whois and send it back to the source. that way we at least have a chance of stopping them.
your post if very funny, however.
Post a Comment