Man. Joe Namath must have really done a number on Suzy Kolber's career.

Got this email the other day:

O_O

SUZY KOLBER?!?!?

If you're not a sports fan you're, like, Suzy wha..? But Suzy Kolber is probably one of the most popular female sports announcers on television these days.

This was undoubtedly her proudest moment:



Hey. It's not every day that a really shitfaced NFL legend tries to make out with you during a National Football game even though you're gay.

I know.

I've tried.

I've said too much.

Regardless, I decided to reply to Suzie:

So far I haven't heard back from Suzie.

She's probably taking out a restraining order on Joe Namath.

Or me.

Hey. A Hail Mary pass is a Hail Mary pass.

Thanks for the hint that I need Botox, assholes.

Email:

STOP RUSHING ME, DATING SITE!

Perfect fit.

Email conversation about someone wanting to guest post on this blog:

Haven't heard back yet.

Weird.

Because nothing says 'construction' like 'sourdough'

Got this email from Amazon:

YES.

Thank you, Amazon.

I know I was looking for a toy chainsaw or wrench set, but this 2" action figure of a boy holding a loaf of bread will do just fine, instead.

Um...no thank you.

I got this offer from Qpon in my email the other day:


GAH.

I'm not sure what's more confusing...that a guy would subject himself to a 'Brazilian' or that he'd actually need a 'classic bikini' treatment.

Then this conversation with my girlfriend ensued:


Honey.

I think we know full well that I manscape with the best of them (this is purely conjecture because I have yet to compare manscaping effectiveness in my social circles)...

..but I draw the line at waxing off my taint hair.

So, out of sheer curiosity (*cough) I click on the 'View this Deal' button at which point I see THIS on the sidebar of the Qpon ad:


AH.

This ad is starting to make more sense to me now but just so they're aware of it, I Tweeted at the Qpon people this:


I don't know how that thing is smiling, though, after having all his short curlies ripped out.

I'll stick with my Mach3, thankyouverymuch.

Manscaped Moog out.

All I know is that I'm totally getting a free credit report now because this is AWESOME

I got a spam email about a credit score blah blah blah who cares but this is what the top of the email looked like:

Typical crap but...

WHY I decided to scroll down to the end I have no idea BUT after the big credit score graphic was THIS which I cut and pasted for your enjoyment. It quite possibly may be the greatest thing you real all year.

AMAZING.

It's like watching someone with ADD and short term memory try to type a form letter. On a side note, I always thought Kelly Ripa and Jeff Goldblum were the same person. It's always nice to have a little validation come your way every so often.

Oh yes, Mister Finance, you've earned my business forever.

It's like a Segway except you can't ride it and it holds cereal

Once again I spit in the face of getting free stuff.

I get these unsolicited product endorsement things in the email every so often. This one happened to be for something called a "Gyro Bowl" which, quite honestly, sounds like an amazing carnival ride or piece of kick-ass drug paraphernalia:


The link goes to a video here which basically shows a bunch of little shits running around trying to spill stuff on purpose because THAT'S WHAT CHILDREN DO but they can't because Gyro Bowl is there to save the day!

All this in a bowl that takes up only as much space as a small sedan.

My reply:


I've been waiting for, like, a month now and I have not received a reply OR a Gyro Bowl that my dog can actually use.

They must be working on it.

It's too bad, because I think "All About Boners" would have won a Pulitzer

Once in a while I'll get these weird unsolicited requests from a professional writer from a marketing firm to do a guest post on my site that's all about them.

Like this:


Ugh.

First off:

I don't care if you're writing a dissertation on how you have discovered a new life form and that this new species will - once and for all - prove the existence of God himself...

...not a single person is taking your shit seriously if you start the conversation off with, "Howdy."

But I figured, eh, a guest post is a guest post is a day off for me, so I figured I'd take her up on her offer.







I've been wondering how her pitch ended up going, but I haven't heard back from her since.

She's probably off researching boners.

You know how these high-quality article writers can be sticklers for detail.

I'm so glad I don't have that issue.

Moog out.

Toods of the Trade

You know how sometimes you do something and then look back at it and say to yourself, "Geez. I was kind of a jerk and now I feel bad."

What's that like?

I was at work the other morning and found an issue with some software so I sent out an email to my group asking if anyone else had seen it:


I got a few responses.

One of which was from a nice, older guy in my group named Tom:


Ah.

Gotta love typos.

I replied:


Tom did not write back.

And that, folks, is how to properly ostracize yourself amongst your peers.

I feel like such a tood.

Apparently, my mom has a webcam but not a pool and goes by the name, "Bonnie"

Before I start..don't forget to enter my 'Caption the Cookie' contest from Monday and win yourself some immortality AND Bitter Baking Company cookies.

Carry on.

********************
From time to time I like to just simply accept Yahoo Instant Messenger requests even if I don't know the person because, well, shit like this happens.



No reply.

If she did, I would have told her that the next letter in the Alphabet Game was 'N.'

Her loss.

This is probably why I don't get any product endorsement deals

This is an email I received a little while ago. I get a lot of these, and you can tell which ones are from people who have absolutely no idea what kind of blog you write.

Well, at least FOR ME it's easy.


My reply:


That was the last I ever heard from Richard.

I probably should have checked it out, though.

A nice bamboo steamer would probably cover my bicep scar quite nicely.

Well. That was unfortunate ad placement.

Went to log on to my email account the other day and noticed this:


Gah.

On a related note, I no longer want to see Madonna naked.

How the hell did I not know about this?

This appeared on the sidebar of a web page I was on:


I don't know what bothers me more:

That (a) the abuse is so bad that there is a need for this ad, or (b) that there is an entire culture of dancing bears I knew nothing about.

Great. Now I want to see a dancing bear.

I don't think this ad worked AT ALL.

Ricky Ricardo Must Move Up the Gal Flex. ZEET!

If you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen this:



A lot of my friends on Facebook are you, my loyal readers who are also sprinkled in with a few actual friends and maybe one or two people I owe money to who keep hacking my damn account.

I accept PayPal, in case you're interested in donating.

One day I got a message from someone on Facebook.

I have no idea who this person is - I assumed a fan/reader/stalker but the message was..

THIS:


Um.

Okay.

So I responded. And thus began our long history of what-is-going-on-here-because-I-have-no-clue where messages would just appear randomly and, obviously, typed by a monkey:





Seriously, Ricardo, if my penis DID reach back that far I'd be home zeeting right now.

I probably would have zooted, like, twice yesterday alone.

Cuz I'm a gwaan bad man. Obviously.

You'd think Jingle makers would have a better sense of humor

I got one of those unsolicited 'link exchange' emails the other day:



But instead of deleting this crap, the fact that it came from A PLACE THAT WRITES JINGLES caught my eye.

I mean, seriously. Who wouldn't want their own jingle?

So I counter-offered with this:


Then I didn't get a reply for a day so I figured that was it until LO AND BEHOLD Rebecca replies but references some weird genie in her email:


Well what started out as a fun-filled jingle project has now turned Rebecca into some kind of spiteful bitch who is calling upon her supervisor or Roman god or something to come smite me. Like, seriously - who puts a frowny face on emails anymore? Apparently Rebecca is 12.

But, I'm still looking for a jingle and now I'm kind of curious who this Genaaron character is.



And now I guess I kind of just sit here and wait for either an audio file with a super-awesome jingle about me in it or someone to appear in the locker room while I'm about to shower claiming to be the Almighty Genaaron, Jinglemeister, et al.

Did I mention I'm hot?

This is probably why no one guest posts for me much

If you write blogs then I'm sure every once in a while you'll get canned offers from people who want to guest post on your site about things that have nothing to do with what the Hell you're writing about.

Case in point, I received TWO - count 'em - TWO of these emails within the span of a couple of days.

Letter #1:


Ah, yes.

Because I'm sure the creator of 'PsychologyDegree.com' would feel comfortable writing a post on a web site that from a guy who put a sand dollar Jesus fetus ultrasound on Craigslist.

Actually that kind of makes sense now that I'm thinking about it.

Letter #2:


Again, I'm not sure who is giving these people information on what kind of blog they'd be writing for but I'm sure this woman who fights against Nursing Home Abuse wouldn't be pushing the guest post offer if she knew I really don't like old people very much.

That said, I couldn't decide on how to respond to both of these so I just did the 'two birds, one stone' thing.

My reply:


I haven't heard back yet from either of them.

I can only assume they're busy training. Or smuggling in poison frogs.

This is gonna be good.

More Shit People Send Me - Female Anatomy Snack Foods

Once in a while people will send me things to post on here that they deem too inappropriate to post on their own website because, well, they have "morals" and "tact" and "they like keeping their readers."
This is one of those cases.

I received a message out of the blue one day on Facebook:

Let me just say if that you're ever sending me a message about posting something with the subject of "Vagina Sunchip" please don't even bother to ask and just send it because how do you NOT post something called 'Vagina Sunchip?'

Boggles my mind.

Regardless, people, I give you the Vagina SunChip:



..and that's how I ended up having sex with a snack.

Shortly after, though, she sent me this photo with the subject of:

"Chaz Bono SunChip?"


Brilliant.

Although I think Chaz Bono is more of a "Chaz Bono Bugles" person now.

That is how you do it people.

Thanks in advance.

**********************

Special thanks for making this possible goes to Katherine over at Shoot Me Now.

Because I think sand dollar Jesus Ultrasounds are well worth the 10k

The other day whilst I was peeing in my bathroom I happened to take a close look at one of the prints I have hanging on my wall and noticed this in one of the little sand dollar images in one of them:


Now, I'm no marine biologist but I'm pretty sure sand dollars don't give birth to humans so this can only mean ONE thing.

This is actually an image of Jesus and this thing is totally going on Craigslist.




I haven't had any offers yet but I'm thinking maybe I should have put it under "arts and crafts" or "furniture" but "collectibles" seemed like the best bet since there was no "religious fetus images" category.

YET.

How to Bother the Crap out of your IT Department

We have a guy here in our IT Department named Dave who everyone likes but makes fun of because - let's face it - it's funny to belittle people.

So it was Dave's birthday recently so I emailed him and cc'd a couple of people that we all go out with together wishing him a great day:


Of course, when you click on the link you get this:


To which he replied:


You're welcome, Dave.

You're welcome.

Then, like a week later, I was down in the cafeteria trying to get a Pop Tart out of the vending machine and the stupid thing wouldn't take my dollar.

This went on for a week with me going Pop Tart-less so I decided to take matters into my own hands and bother Dave about it.

Of course, I know perfectly well that IT has not an effing thing to do with a vending machine but I wanted to see what he'd do.










By the tone of this it sounds like Dave actually thinks I'm serious which, honestly, concerns me a bit because that means he thinks I'm dumber than he is.

*shudders*

Regardless, Dave handled it like a trooper.

Erik Estrada would be proud.

********************
UPDATE:

I went back to the vending machine a few days later and by miracle of miracles IT TOOK MY DOLLAR.

So, Pop Tart in hand...I walked by our IT Department which is basically a room with a wall of windows.

Dave was sitting in there with 4 other guys and saw me walking up the stairs, at which point I pointed to my Pop Tart and mouthed "thank you" to him and gave him a thumbs-up.

He simply shook his head and turned back around.

And I wonder why my laptop is so damn slow.