An Interview with a Vampire but not REALLY a Vampire and, in fact, nothing at all like a vampire come to think of it. | Mental Poo

Friday, April 02, 2010

An Interview with a Vampire but not REALLY a Vampire and, in fact, nothing at all like a vampire come to think of it.

Before I start today, I just want to be serious for a second (mark your calendar) and go all-out and pimp myself out.

Hey..even I get tired of the beatings from Rodrigo after a while.

First off, I did a podcast with Kelly from Speaking from the Crib yesterday.

It's awesome. Listen to it. I'm friggin' hilarious.

Like that's a surprise.


Tonight, on April 2nd, I will be the 'Special Guest Host' for a fundraising bash for "New Hampshire HorseTalk Therapeutic Services" which is an organization that provides hippotherapy services.

So - you'll be able to find ME - yes ME - on April 2nd at Milly's Tavern in Manchester, NH hosting this awesome event.

Bands, auctions, masssages from the Whiskey Girls, Cabin Fever Whiskey, raffles..a ton of shit.

Come down.

Meet me.

Support the cause.

Have some fun.



I was asked to interview another VERY FUNNY blogger out there, Don Joe from "Workforced,the office comedy blog".

I don't normally do interviews but he promised me oral.

Here goes!! Enjoy!


1) Do you have any special talents? For instance, I can juggle really, really poorly (up to two balls), imitate Kermit the Frog and can also make dolphin noises. Interestingly, I've made $300 doing all three simultaneously for this chick with a Muppet/mammal fetish, but that's a different story and my defamation suit is still pending. How about you?

Well, my juggling skills outdo yours; I have juggled office comedy, neuroticism and pedantry for years. I remember arguing with my ex-wife over which of us was more pedantic. I won the argument, she got the kids. Double win for me!

Above all else I’m a first rate writer. I’m sorry, I don’t mean writer; I mean chronic masturbator. I often get the two mixed up. I was caught writing on a bus last year.

My imagination is arguably a talent, although I’ve been prescribed Ritalin for it.

2) Speaking of defamation lawsuits, what is your favorite way to dress? I have an aversion to anything around my ankles since the whole 'dad/bondage' episodes from my childhood so I can't wear long sleeves or those short socks without screaming uncontrollably.

I've forgotten if I'm asking you questions or what at this point.

Well, my socks scream lawyer but my tie screams accountant. I like to mix styles a bit; I’m quite radical like that. I don’t want to come across either too “law” or too “accounting”. It’s a fine line. Next season I’m going to blend an air of insurance broker with hints of banker.

Its only question two and you have lost your train of thought. Snap out of it man! Why not have a sip of coffee from your “Midget Man of Steel” branded mug available online now.

3) If you were to describe your perfect day, why would you bother if there's something good on television? Oh..THAT'S the question..what's your favorite TV show? If you say you don't watch much TV you are dead to me because, seriously, you're probably the reason 'Arrested Development' got canceled and I HATE YOU.

Last year I watched a lot of House. It was my ex-wife’s house. However, since the restraining order I watch a lot more Bachelor: I spend hours crying in front of the mirror.

4) Did you play sports and, if so, which ones? A correct answer here does NOT include 'soccer' or 'tennis' or 'golf' as none of those are technically a sport unless you're LAME or railing chicks like Tiger Woods.

I spend a lot of time scratching my balls. Does that count?

5) Tiger Woods: Bad decision maker, or true American Hero to all men everywhere? Discuss.

I really don’t understand the issue here. The man’s first name is “tiger” and his last name is the plural of “wood”. Has there ever been a name more apt for adultery?

It’s a shame that my real name is Loner Whackoff. I can’t imagine anything more horrible than having sex with scores of women; I find it awkward enough apologizing to one.

I have been thinking of changing my name to Randy Bumgardener, but I don’t want to be confused with the other Randy Bumgardener who is director of the President’s Guest House (

6) If you could have any woman in the world to have sex with, who would it be and could you put in a good word for me? Thanks in advance. If you're married, 'my wife' does NOT COUNT here because you know that's bullshit.

I cast my vote for Michelle Obama. Let’s face it Barack is tall, dark, handsome and the most powerful man in the free world. Still, there’s nothing even a tall, dark, handsome and powerful man can say after you’ve turned around and said “Yeah, well I doinked your wife.” Don Joe: 1, Mr. President: nil.

In the meantime I’ll put in a good word for you with my ex-wife.

(editor's note: I am ignoring the fact here that the jury is out on whether or not Michelle Obama is actually a man or not)

7) Did you buy one of my mugs yet?

No, they’re crap.

Not really an interview question but I've only made, like, 6 bucks so I need as much free advertising as I can get.

In which case yes and it’s superb. I also bought your thong priced $8.99. Who wouldn’t cover their bulge with a “Midget Man of Steel” logo? The joke writes itself. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather have a bigger penis but at least the thong makes light of my midget man. I’m less convinced by your “Midget Man of Steel” kidney dialysis machine. At over $20,000 I think it takes the piss.

8) If you could eat one food only for the rest of your life, what would it be? Also, where is this food coming from? Are you a magician? (see: special talent question above)

Residents of California won’t be surprised to hear that my chosen food is “In-N-Out Burger.”

After I am uncloaked and my anonymity thrown into the wind I am likely to get fired, sued and ridiculed. When the forthcoming (and largely unwritten) Workforced book flops I am highly likely to spend the rest of my life flipping burgers, which will work out well if the job includes a lunch allowance. Who needs magic when you have a palpable lack of alternative job prospects?

9) Do you look like anyone famous? If the answer is 'Sarah Jessica Parker' please feel free to off yourself.

Seriously. The world doesn't need any more of that crap.

Imagine Harry Potter aged 35 and you’re pretty close.

Phallus Enlargio!

Shame I don’t have the spells.


There you have it, folks.

Go read "Workforced, the office comedy blog", follow him, stalk him, I honestly don't give a shit.

He's a funny read and you'll be glad you came.

That's what she said.

Moog out.


Unknown said...

I don't ordinarily read an entire post of a blogger interviewing another because frankly the questions are like: "When did you start blogging" Answer: Boring, Second Quesion: "What is your inspiration?"
Answer: "Where is my gun so I can off your boringness". My point is that was a great interview. Both interviewer and interviewee were funny.

Rahul said...

I would read an interview of only questions. Then I guess it would be an interrogation. Or maybe a confessional.

I'm not religious.

In bed.

what happened here?

Maxie said...

Wow, Don. How did you know that moog LOVES Michelle Obama. I'm pretty sure he has wet dreams about her every night. Just ask him.

Unknown said...

I follow Worked Force. He is hilarious. You on the other hand need serious therapy. I plan to discuss that with you this evening at MIllie"s!

Ed said...

I follow him.

Still not sure why, but I do.

Katherine said...

You know, you could start your own reality show by simply crying in front of the mirror. People would watch!

Nicky said...

But what enquiring minds really want to know - did he keep his promise?

Momma Fargo said...

LMAO! I already follow him. Just a side note...the Secret Service is so coming after you guys. I'm letting you know so you have a headstart... said...

Awesome poo - thanks for the refer to Work Office - he seems offensive and smart enough to follow now. ANd i am with WannabeVirginia - great questions!
Who cares how long you been blogging??? How big is your penis? I mean ...How about that tiger woods!

Chris said...

Funny stuff, man. Don Joe, you rock. And I'm absolutely with you on the In-N-Out Burger bandwagon. Those Double-Doubles are beyond compare.

MommaKiss said...

I'd like to know who said Moooooog was qualified to interview someone? He just made it all about him?


good times guys. Seriously.

And Moooooog - hope you're nose deep in whiskey right now!

MommaKiss said...

Aw Crap! If I'd been able to clear a sitter, I'd have been able to meet you AND Eva! Dammit!

Mr. Condescending said...

So did he spit or swallow?

Vodka Logic said...

Good one.. I'll go follow him and unfollow you if he is funnier.


Workforced said...

Don Joe isn't funny. He should concentrate on his career instead of trying to sabotage it with a blog.


Don Joe's Mom

Tgoette said...

Great interview Moog! I follow Don Joe and his is a hilarious blog. (Don't be jealous...yours is a pretty good attempt at humor.) Great questions and answers! Well done!

JenJen said...

I have nothing funny to say since I can't find my funny right now so I'll just, nice.

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