Celine Dion owes my Sphincter Royalties | Mental Poo

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Celine Dion owes my Sphincter Royalties

Before I start today:

I was interviewed WAY THE HELL BACK in, like, October or something by NOSSA.

NOSSA = "National Organization of Short Statured Adults"

I am not making this up.

Apparently, we're organized.

I had no idea.

Well..at LONG last the podcast was posted...so you can listen to it in all of it's hideous entirety where I basically talk about how to get laid when you're short by clicking here.


I'm also did a podcast with Kelly from Speaking from the Crib on April 1st.

So click here so you listen to me be an asshole FOR A FULL HOUR!

Not a big stretch, really.

It's what I do.

If I don't get the details here, head over to her site and she'll have them all posted.



"She looks like my ass."

The above little gem was spoken by me to my wife as we walked (I'm sorry..as SHE DRAGGED ME) through a local department store.

I hate shopping.

I would rather watch a lesbian threesome starring Rosie O'Donnell, Whoopi Goldberg and Janet Reno than go shopping.

Unless it's shopping for a TV, XBox game, or anything involving the store 'Best Buy' when I have a gift card.

In those cases, you can replace those three with, say, Carmen Electra, Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson.


Not only have I gone way off topic...

...but I've also got wood.

I'll be right back.

(14 seconds later):


As she was yanking me through the aisles, I looked up at the top of a display and saw the horror of all horrors:


(Japanese people flee in terror)


Celine Dion was in full poster format (making this abomination appear LIFESIZE), wearing a short skirt...


...and trying to look sexy.


Celine Dion trying to look sexy is like George W. Bush trying to look smart or Paris Hilton trying to not be a filthy whore.

Ain't. Gonna. Happen.

Me: "ARGH!! MY EYES!!."

Wife: "What?"

Me: "Celine Dion."

Wife: "What about her?"

Me: "She scared me. She looks like my ass."

On a related note, having a fairly loud conversation about how Celine Dion resembles your anus probably is one of the best ways to get dirty looks from elderly people.

That, and randomly shoving them.

I've digressed.

Wife: "You WISH your ass was that talented."


Me: "Actually, I think my ass can also hold a pretty long note."

Wife: * blink

Me: "Maybe they were separated at birth."


I hope so.

She can forward me some money to help pay for all these fucking SHOES we bought.

God, I hate shopping.


Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

Celine Dion is one of those freaks who's popularity just won't die. WHY is she still on posters in department stores? WHY?!!!

Ziva said...

I once had a very nice dream about me, Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson. It was good. Very good.

Lisa Loomis said...

i've missed you. i thought you forgot about me.

Maxie said...

but would you have sex with celine dion rather than shop?


Betty Manousos said...

Well, thanks for the laugh! You made my day!. Is she really looks worse than your....?LOL!

Ben said...

Betty - nothing is worse than his ....?LOL!

Momma Fargo said...

At least you didn't come home with wood from your shopping trip this time...then we would all know how you really feel about Celine, and that you refer her by her first name only...

Donnie said...

Celine Dion is Sylvester Stallone's afterbirth. They look alike, but Stallone's mouth is crooked the other way, and he's not Canadian.

Unknown said...

You rock! Listened to your interview!

Maxie said...

@Ben - I hate his ....?LOL!

It's horrible!

MrsBlogAlot said...

Haaaaa!!...and 14 seconds..I'm impressed!

Elly Lou said...

They sell Celine Dion at Home Depot? I'm going to assume she was in the "tool" section.

Jen said...

Thanks, now I am stuck with the image of Rosie, Whoopie and Janet Reno all going at it, and to top it off I have a Celine Dion song stuck in my head and I can't get the image of her banging her chest out of my mind either. I'm glad you got wood out of this post, I just want to go and throw up.

Me-Me King said...

I listened to your podcast last night. I really think you should host your very own podcast show...think about it, Midget Man of Steel presents.....

I smell an Emmy!

Ed said...

NOSSA = "National Organization of Short Statured Individuals"

Uh...shouldn't that be NOSSI?

Which, by the way, sounds way cooler.

Like Nazi.

You guys could wear little miniture swastikas and shit.

Moooooog35 said...

Anything: To try to kill us or make us blind..that's why.

Ziva: And yet you leave us no details.

Lisa: You. Complete. Me.

Maxie: Oh..look at you..going and spelling 'conundrum' correctly.


Betty: Yes. She looks worse than my..

Ben: You know you want me. Stop being so coy.

Momma: Who said I didn't?

The Hell?

Don: We may be brethren.

Eva: Thank you!

Maxie: What is wrong with you people? Don't hate my ?LOL!

Mrsblogalot: New endurance record for me.

Elly: That WOULD be appropriate, yes.

Jen: Join. The club.

Me-Me: Who is this Emmy? And why does she smell?

Ed: It's been corrected. You rednecks are so picky.

JD: Be careful what you wish for.

LB said...

You should have kidnapped the poster and left another ransom note. I can't believe your wife would waste such valuable "ME" time by bringing you along on a shopping trip! I live the husband at home. With the KIDS! Where he belongs!!

Kris said...

Part of me is terribly embarrassed that she's from my country... BUT SHE'S YOUR PROBLEM NOW!!! MWAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!

carissa said...

While I'm sure your ass can hold a not as long as Celine, I doubt that it has such a high range. But if it does then I have no idea what your doing wasting your time blogging. Go make an album. I would listen to it all day long.

Amy said...

Everyone I've ever come into contact with in my entire life loathes her. I've just recently found you and you loathe her. Who the hell is supporting this woman and making her so god-awful rich?!

It's a travesty!

Amy said...

Everyone I've ever come into contact with in my entire life loathes her. I've just recently found you and you loathe her. Who the hell is supporting this woman and making her so god-awful rich?!

It's a travesty!

Rahul said...

That cat had cheese on it's head. CHEESE ON IT"S HEAD!

Stupid cat.

Joann Mannix said...

Not only does she hurt my eyes, my ears freaking bleed! She and Michael Buble's songwriters reside in nursing homes, of this I am convinced.

How short are you? Short men are the schizz in my book. Al Pacino, Robert Downey, Jr., Ben Stiller are all hotties. Short men rule, except for Tom Cruise. He's just the king of the creepsters.

Moooooog35 said...


Pass the word along, please.

Kris: Revel in it while you can. At some point, she'll be back.

dun dun dunnnnn

Carissa: Can't be any worse than Taylor Swift, right?

Amy: I assume it's deaf people who have organized.

Rahul: 'Stupid cat' is redundant.

Joann: I'm, like, 5'3" tall.

I guess that makes me schizz.

middle child said...

Yeah. That's what got me too. The cat with cheese on it's head. I will laugh evertime I think of it which I hope isn't tonight at church.

Malach the Merciless said...

So when do you and the wife have sex in the store?

Miss Yvonne said...

Reading this reminded me that I need to go shopping this weekend. My husband thanks you in advance.

Buggys said...

My daughter is the President of the "I hate Celine Dion the very most Club". I'm sending her a link to this post and I'm guessing she will want to have your babies. Just saying.

Tony Spunk said...

Dude I would like never to see Celine Dion anywhere near my sphincter if that's okay. She even makes my berries retract inside my body so I look like a lady.

Anonymous said...

I have to stop laughing first...14 seconds is that your best?

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

So I guess that if your ass had a hit song, it would be "My Fart Will Go On," right?

You can answer, Mooooog, but, to be totally honest, I'd like to hear more about Ziva's dream. A lot more.

Off to Home Depot now.

Ziva said...

Moooooog, Mike, gather around boys... And don't tell anyone I told you this, boyfriends get so insecure when they think their girlfriends are bi-curious or bi-sexual or anything other than blind. Seriously, anyone with eyes will see that women are prettier, but that doesn't mean I would want to live with one. Jeez, that would just be too much work, women are a hassle. Can't I just look and maybe touch every once in a while without bruising the fragile ego of every male within a 10-kilometer radius?

I've digressed.

About that dream... There was a huge bed, a lace thong, handcuffs with pink fur and ice cream. I've been sleeping 24/7 ever since, trying to recreate that dream.

Moooooog35 said...

Middle: It's perfectly acceptable to laugh in church.

I think. I'm not sure. I really don't go.

Malach: It's like all you think about is me having sex.


Miss Yvonne: Just don't tell him where I live.

Buggys: I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume she's legal?

Tony: Never underestimate the power of a chick near your sphincter.


Alyssa: That's actually a record. Impressed?

MikeWJ: You are my hero...because...


* blink

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

So glad your head is filled with so much crap... keep letting it out!

MommaKiss said...

Celine deserves a tool up the ass. Maybe that's why she was in Home Depot.

Good Luck tonight - don't do anything TOO weird to the horses. Wait, will the horses be there? Or you're just 'benefiting' the horse stuff?
I'm confused.
Which is kinda my normal state, anyway.

rachaelgking said...

I'm going to buy some Kraft Singles just so I can do that to EVERYONE I KNOW tonight.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Moooog, I admire you for being able to blink after reading Ziva's erotic short story. My face is just frozen solid, eyes open, mouth open, hair standing on end. I'm pretty sure this isn't put me in good standing for Easter.....

Mr. Condescending said...

I listened to your interview and you spoke really well. I still laugh at the "ugly as a foot" thing.

I was pissed though that you're not a real midget.

meleah rebeccah said...

Celine Dion terrifies me. But I scare easily.

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