Craigslist Killer - Part Deux? | Mental Poo

Monday, May 31, 2010

Craigslist Killer - Part Deux?


Marlon Brando is apparently shopping for a booster seat.

Let me explain.

I hate having yard sales.

I mean, I LIKE having yard sales, because I usually scrape out a few hundred dollars by selling shit like McDonald's Happy Meal toys, old stinky shoes, all kinds of broken shit and - in some cases - petrified feces.

Don't judge.

However, I HATE having yard sales because of shit like this:

Person: "How much for this?"

Me: "The petrified turd? That's one dollar."

Person:
"I'll give you 50 cents for it. I mean, really, it's literally just a hard piece of shit."

Me: "I can give it to you for 75 cents. Come on...it has corn in it. That raises the equity right there."

Person: "60 cents. I mean...you can't even see the whole kernel."

Me: "75 cents, and I'll throw in this fingerless glove."

Person: "Done."

See?

You have to haggle with these people for fucking everything.

It's tiring.


So, instead, I use Craigslist.

Craigslist Marketing tagline: "Craigslist...not just for serial killers and prostitution stings anymore."

I've had one of the kids' booster seats up on that site forever...without nary a bite.

Until the other day.

When I get this email:

*************************

From: Antonia
Subject: Eddie Bauer Booster Seat

Hiya !

i saw your advert 01-08-2009 on Craigs salem nh for sale - Subject :eddie bauer booster seat $15

seems like you got what I want, if its so i'll gladly make you a good offer you can't refuse.

:-)


Thanks for your help!

*************************

Um.

"...i'll gladly make you a good offer you can't refuse."

Then...she adds a little:

;)

Seriously...

What the fuck just happened?

And...more importantly...

What kind of offer wouldn't I be able to refuse?

Disney tickets?

Free firewood?

Blowjob from a woman with no teeth?


I'm curious.

So, I ask my wife's opinion sending her an email:

**********************

Email to my wife:

Um...

Think this is possibly another Craigslist killer?

wtf.

Rod


**********************

My wife writes back:

**********************

Wife: PLEASE DO NOT get back to her. Doesn't seem worth the $15.

**********************

Damn.

Party, meet Pooper.

Damn you, woman!!


I want to know what my Goddamn good offer is.

Jessica Alba poster?

My own radio show?

Bumsex?

Always with the bumsex.

(that's what she said...actually...that's what she's never said)


So, I consult with my friend, Bill over IM:

**********************

midgetmanofsteel: Jen doesn't want me to write back.

Bill: come on kid, it is $15.00.

Bill: got to go for the cash.

midgetmanofsteel: $15 is hard to pass up, I know.

Bill: Just meet at night in a parking garage. should be safe

**********************

On a related note: I have good friends.

**********************

midgetmanofsteel: maybe I'll cover myself in peanut butter...try to squeeze $16 out of it.

**********************

Now that I think of it...

$16 might be getting a little greedy.

Maybe I'll have her throw in a petrified turd.

Corn sold separately.

31 comments:

LB said...

My curiosity would make me victim #2. I'm just dying to know about her "offer you can't refuse." Oh, wait...dying is the whole idea. Crap, I'm a serial killer's dream come true.

Mrsblogalot said...

Oh man, how can you live without knowing???

And what kind of cheapskate doesn't spring a dollar for a petrified turd?

CatLadyLarew said...

Don't all used booster seats come with a petrified turd in them? Maybe she was going to offer to do you while sitting in the booster seat. You never know...

JD at I Do Things said...

My mother-in-law is having a garage sale this weekend. I will be very upset and disturbed if I see an Eddie Bauer booster seat among her stuff.

Coffeypot said...

Dude, and Eddie Bauer booster seat will be worth tens of dollars in the future. Hang on to it. Besides, if she has to bargan on CL for BJ's, something is wrong. She probaly has broken teeth. Puts a whole new meaning to 'Oragan Grinder.'

Beta Dad said...

Craigslist is a double-edged sword. I got rid of a lot of crap when I remodeled my house (doors, electrical panels, salvaged lumber, dirt, etc.) But I also had a lot of creepy people coming over to my house. One guy who took all my old siding thought we were best buds, and would just show up to shoot the shit--you know, tell me what he had just heard on the Glenn Beck show--while I was working on the house. I kind of yelled at him when he snuck up and scared the bejeezus out of me one time, and he acted all hurt. Now he calls before he comes over.

Pat said...

I don't know....I'm hearing 70's porn music in my head right now.....I say take a chance.

We never do good at our garage sales. We end up practically paying the PEOPLE to take the crap. Whatever we don't sell, we have Salvation Army come and haul away. Boy, that was fun. All for about $30. Yeah.

Peggy Sue Brister said...

I'm sure you already know this but just in case you didn't... every few days 3 to 4, you need to repost your ad where it stays at the top of the ads. If you let it scroll away ppl usually don't go back more than a week or so when looking at ads.
But I thought the "an offer you can't refuse" thing, too funny.. I would have emailed her back and told her $15 bucks is the offer I can't refuse you car seat hooker.

Sarah P said...

I hate yard sales, too.

They make me feel so icky, like I'm contributing to the hoarding of the old couple on oxygen tanks who drive up in their hooptie Oldsmobile that's already stuffed to the ceiling with Beanie Babies. I always think, "This is going to collect dust. That can't be good for their lungs."

And then I let them pay me $10 for something I would have thrown in the trash two hours later.

Also, yard sales are breeding grounds for racism. I was shocked by the things I heard at the first yard sale I held.

Elly Lou said...

You should probably bring the fingerless glove, too. Chicka bow now.

J.J. said...

Put the booster seat on Ebay. You'll get a crapload more than $15 if people fight over it. But you were probably hoping for a BJ. Oh well! Maybe next time.

We had a garage sale (what we call 'em in CA) and I handled the money. An asian kept yapping at me after I handed him his change. I didn't understand what his problem was, I know I didn't cheat him (even though I suck at math).
Someone finally said he was uphappy because his $1 was torn.

Boo-f***ing-hoo, but I exchanged it for a brand spanking new one. Gotta keep your customers happy.

Moooooog35 said...

LB: LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!

Mrsblogalot: I know..the curiousity has been eating away at me.

Either that, or it's the leprosy.

Catlady: That's a package deal and I don't deal with such extravagances.

JD: You should be more upset if you ask what she did to get it.

Coffey: I'm hanging onto it. Because no one is buying it.

Sucks.

Beta: Sounds like you two would make a great buddy cop show.

Pat: I always hear 70's porn music in my head.

Makes going to McDonald's kind of creepy.

Peggy: I did know that.

I'm not that desperate.

* stares at YOU

Sarah: I'm with you on the racism thing.

We make fun of a lot of people when we have them.

I'm a Republican. It's what we do.

Elly: Once you GIVE IT BACK TO ME.

JJ: Asians yap?!

Malach the Merciless said...

Darn it and I was so looking forward to buying that Booster Seat for $15

Ed said...

Dude. That chic wants sex. Forget the carseat. She wants your car in her seat. And by that, I think you know what I mean. Don't you? Seriously, don't you? Cause I have no fucking idea.

JenJen said...

I'm with Ed. She wants your rod, Rod.

Aunt Juicebox said...

There's actually a separate section on Craigslist where you sell stuff. You shouldn't have posted it in the "casual encounters" section.

Maybe you could look in your local phone book and see if you have any resale shops that will buy used children's clothing and equipment from you. You won't get as much as if you sell if yourself, but at least you can get rid of it.

steff said...

so it's either no $15 + you get to hang on to a crusty ol' car seat for another 18 months.
OR
$15 plus your chance to be famous! when you become the next victim of the craigslist killer.
i think it's clear what the better deal is...

pattypunker said...

this is just smart lead generation on the part of your female solicitor. everyone knows guys with eddie bauer bosster seats aren't getting any poon.

Mike said...

My parents roped me into selling their crap at a garage sale. It was the "come here and help your dad move stuff out of the garage so he doesn't have a heart attack turned into you sell our shit now while we stay in the air conditioning and drink old people tea'.

My dad then came out to tell me to get rid of everything. My mom came out to tell me to make more money. This happened several times.

And now you know why I'm fucked in the head.

Annah said...

You know what f*cked up part is? I friggin' love those hard turds ... They are funny as sh*t (pun unintended)

Jen said...

It's nice to know that you can get some on Craig's List, those chicks are hard to impress. Good job!

Moooooog35 said...

Malach: Dude.

Still available.

Ed: I'm lost. Send me drawings.

JenJen: OH. Send me THAT drawing!

Aunt Juicebox: So you're saying I should probably take the Easy Bake Oven out of 'men looking for men?'

Steff: See you in the papers!

Pattypunker: I know.

I cry sometimes.

Mike: Dude. We really can't limit the reasons to why you're fucked in the head to just one.

Come on.

Annah: That's a whole new kind of fetish.

Call me.

Jen: Thanks! I'm a special kind of special!

Becky..AMHW said...

I'm amazed you have a booster that's worth 15 bucks. When my kids got done with theirs they were covered in ketchup, boogers and whatever is tracked in on the bottoms of their shoes.

I tried to sell my HUGE BOOBS on Craiglist once and my ad got pulled. Oh sure, go to the personals and get real photos of sorta real boobs, usually on transexuals, but no boobs made of polyester fiber fill allowed.

Donda said...

Just happened upon your blog and your friend was right...you are one funny mo-fo! Personally, I am with Bill I would go for the the 15 bones. Here is my reasoning. You could buy at least three boxes of ex-lax, therefore producing more corn-laden poop than ever imaginable and Viola instant income!

Tracie said...

I didn't know you could sell stuff on craigslist. I thought it was just for hooking up.

A Vapid Blonde said...

So I had to click on the craigs list ad and then I HAD to google FS...NO FS is Bullshit!

meleah rebeccah said...

I dont think 15$ would be worth the craziness attached that THAT! You're wife's a smart woman!

meleah rebeccah said...

OOOPS. Sorry for the type-o above.

My comment should read:

"I dont think 15$ would be worth the craziness attached TO THAT! You're wife's a smart woman!

I probably shouldn't be commenting on any blogs when I'm this tired!

Shimmerwyck said...

So I happened on your blog from thebloggess cuz I work at a craptastic job and intellegent tasteless sarcastic humor riddled with coloful language sites keep me from stabbing someone in the eye with my company issued key to the shredder box..wait what was I saying? Oh yeah. I read this post and laughed so hard that I literally, yes, literally peed my pants. I'm currently sitting here with some folded up toilet paper between my hoo hah and my underwear to soak up the leakage. That either means you are damn funny or I'm old and my bladder is now sagging from having kids so I pee whenver I cough or laugh...or sneeze. Actually, it's most probible that it's both

Moooooog35 said...

Becky: I would buy your boobs for fifteen bucks. Sounds like a bargain.

Donda: Don't say ex-lax around me. Bad memories. Trust me. You can search the blog for it. Terrible.

Tracie: Aren't they the same thing?

Vapid: You should make that into a bumper sticker.

Meleah: Don't worry..I think we all understood. ;)

Shimmerwyck: Welcome!! and..um..good luck with the incontinence thing.

meleah rebeccah said...

Thankfully!

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