And now for another installment of 'MY SHAMPOO IS TRYING TO KILL ME!'
Click here for Episode one.
BEWARE OF INTENSE DAMAGE
So once again I'm in the shower today post-soap-masturbation and looking around at the various bottles of shampoo and shit when I see this one:
Listen, I know it actually says 'Intense Damage THERAPY' but trust me on this that I couldn't figure out a way to draw the bottle on a psychiatrist's chair giving someone therapy. Actually, that's a lie because I'm wicked good at drawing but then I decided this would be funnier and MY BLOG, MY RULES.
Where was I?
So now I'm all like, "what the fuck is intense damage" and why would they BOTTLE SHIT LIKE THAT and does the military know this because instead of having our soldiers running around in a desert you just drop, like, twenty thousand bottles of INTENSE DAMAGE on the ground and just let them root those fuckers out.
But now I'm afraid to touch the bottle of shampoo because all I'm imagining is this shit:
And as I'm reaching for "INTENSE DAMAGE" and not really paying much attention to my surroundings because, HELLO...SHOWER...
So now I'm all, like, the fuck? and now this stupid bottle starts going to town on my scalp and not in the OH I'M A TINGLY CONDITIONER kind of way but more like I WILL KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER BECAUSE I AM "INTENSE DAMAGE" and you will FEAR ME, BITCH!
So now I'm lying there semi-conscious in a pool of my own blood and some semen because there was a really good movie on Cinemax last night that I was just thinking about and even though Dove "INTENSE DAMAGE" beats the shit out of you, their soap is a pretty decent non-penis-stinging whacking off lubricant.
The more you know.
And while I'm there and probably now gay because I'm lying in my own semen (that's how it happens because Tom Cruise says so)...
Intense Damage makes a break for it.
Hours later my family will find me and my son will remark on how his wiggly is bigger (I hate when he rubs that shit in my face..not literally..that's gross) and they won't believe my story about how I was viciously attacked by a bottle of shampoo.
So, you know, that's why I just decided to use soap to wash my hair instead.
It doesn't sting.
Plus it's 99.99% pure.
I'm pretty sure "Intense Damage" isn't.