I'm like a savvy work Ninja.
Let me explain.
I was sitting at my desk recently because, honestly, I hate walking or standing or doing Yoga which my work offers for $5 a week and now that I'm thinking about that WHY DON'T I TAKE YOGA because - HELLO? - chicks in spandex doing stretchy shit!
I forget what I was talking about.
OH! My job performance review.
So I'm sitting here and I'm responding to blog comments while simultaneously Googling "Penises scare me" while also writing a blog post when my boss comes into my cube SCARING THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME because he slightly resembles Harrison Ford.
Not that Harrison Ford is scary, but Calista Flockhart is and really..who needs to be reminded of that crap?
So after I closed my Google window and saved my blog post and closed out Microsoft Paint which had a very tasteful drawing of a spider with a giant penis attacking a bat with a vagina in the middle of Tokyo, I was like all 'YO BITCH WADDUP?!'
Boss: "Want your performance review?"
No. No I didn't.
Because I was petrified that all that would be on there was shit like 'Excessive use of Internet' and 'somehow works from home without taking home his laptop (magic? must ask)' and 'OMG his pecs are AMAZING' which would actually be my saving grace since I believe I have a larger chest than Calista Flockhart.
So I get my review and HOLY FUCK it's not bad and I actually get a raise.
How this happened I have no idea because ON MY DESK right next to all that shit on my monitor was the paper that HE CREATED AND HANDED out at that morning's meeting with bar graphs and charts and shit except mine is covered in this:
Obviously, I was paying a lot of attention in today's meeting.
The raise thing is a mystery.
However when calculated out it ends up being something like 3 dollars a week after taxes and bank bailouts and health care reform for married lesbian hobos (no idea) but based on my actual productivity here the amount of the raise I got should actually be my full salary.
I should get extra credit for my drawings, though.
Those things are epic.