The One about a Mystery Raise that does NOT Involve my Penis | Mental Poo

Monday, May 03, 2010

The One about a Mystery Raise that does NOT Involve my Penis

I'm like a savvy work Ninja.

Let me explain.

I was sitting at my desk recently because, honestly, I hate walking or standing or doing Yoga which my work offers for $5 a week and now that I'm thinking about that WHY DON'T I TAKE YOGA because - HELLO? - chicks in spandex doing stretchy shit!


Downward dog.

I forget what I was talking about.

OH! My job performance review.


So I'm sitting here and I'm responding to blog comments while simultaneously Googling "Penises scare me" while also writing a blog post when my boss comes into my cube SCARING THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME because he slightly resembles Harrison Ford.

Not that Harrison Ford is scary, but Calista Flockhart is and really..who needs to be reminded of that crap?

So after I closed my Google window and saved my blog post and closed out Microsoft Paint which had a very tasteful drawing of a spider with a giant penis attacking a bat with a vagina in the middle of Tokyo, I was like all 'YO BITCH WADDUP?!'

Boss: "Want your performance review?"

Me: "Yes."

No. No I didn't.

Because I was petrified that all that would be on there was shit like 'Excessive use of Internet' and 'somehow works from home without taking home his laptop (magic? must ask)' and 'OMG his pecs are AMAZING' which would actually be my saving grace since I believe I have a larger chest than Calista Flockhart.


So I get my review and HOLY FUCK it's not bad and I actually get a raise.


How this happened I have no idea because ON MY DESK right next to all that shit on my monitor was the paper that HE CREATED AND HANDED out at that morning's meeting with bar graphs and charts and shit except mine is covered in this:

Obviously, I was paying a lot of attention in today's meeting.


The raise thing is a mystery.

However when calculated out it ends up being something like 3 dollars a week after taxes and bank bailouts and health care reform for married lesbian hobos (no idea) but based on my actual productivity here the amount of the raise I got should actually be my full salary.

I should get extra credit for my drawings, though.

Those things are epic.


Maxie said...

someone's gotta give you a raise.

because we all know you're not getting one in your pants anymore.

Jessica said...

YOU are getting a raise and I am still unemployed!

Unknown said...

Thank goodness now you don't have to whore out your mugs and shirts :) You should be giving them away to lucky winners of something.

ba_hutch said...

Seriously, Godzilla is always cool! I see an ad campaign for you... "Only from the mind of Moooooognolta!"

Ben said...

You're clearly not not working hard enough if you're still getting raises. Up...or...lower? your game, sir.

WILLIAM said...

Married Lesbian Hobo Coalition thanks you for paying for their annual Pap smear.

Unknown said...

Well, now you can score a happy meal at McDonalds once a week with all you excess earnings!

MrsBlogAlot said...

Imagine how much more you would have gotten if he only knew how multi work/blog tasked you are!

JenJen said...

Honey congrats...on not getting a "performance plan."

MJenks said...

That Mantis is pretty fucking sweet, dude.

I'm doodling my self-evaluation next year. Maybe then I'll get a promotion.

Moooooog35 said...

Maxie: I can get a raise in my pants.

As long as my prescription is refilled.

Jessica: Must say something about you.

Wannabe: Nice way to get out of buying a mug.

ba_hutch: Wait..I'm a camera now?

Ben: Not working hard is my bread and butter.

I have no idea what that means.

WILLIAM: Damn you, Obama!

Eva: Not even. Seriously.

Mrsblogalot: know..I probably would have been docked pay.

JD: I smell sequel!

JenJen: I get enough bad grades on performance as it is.

Mjenks: I doodle my self-evaluation all the time.

I think we're talking about different things.

Ed said...

What's a raise?

Unknown said...

Calista. Hmmmm. not much I can say. She is scary. I'm glad you think so, too. What's even scarier is that some girls think her figure is ideal/cute/attainable.

kate sweeten said...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a raise during my performance review next month...and how do I prepare for said review/possible raise? Duh...reading blogs and doing nothing on the internet. These patients can check themselves in for all I care.

Chris said...

And yet some people have a hard time FINDING a job.

Loved the "Godzilla vs. Bar Graph" drawing, though.

Robin said...

...dont you find that you get the best doodles and drawings during def should be paid for those...what is up with Calista totally trump her..woooo Hoooo..!

Joann Mannix said...

I had a dude set up so close behind me in yoga last week, I swear I could feel his leg hairs brushing up against me. I gave him a sweet surprise. I asked my overly ample neighbor in her overly tight spandex if we could switch places so I could be close to the door in case my baby cried and the nursery ladies came for me.

My baby is 12. That dude got some sweet downward dog in his face.

Congrats on the great review and raise. Stay away from the yoga room.

Kernut said...

I LOVE the drawings!! I will never look at bar charts and line graphs the same. For the first time ever, I'm looking forward to the next meeting just so I can doodle.

Congrats on the raise! Not a bad feat in this economy... is your company hiring?


my palms were sweating reading this b/c i thought your boss had FINALLY caught you ... but NO. shew. that was close.

rachaelgking said...

BAT VAGINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't think for one minute I missed that.

Toe said...

I'm just surprised your boss actually does your reviews. Mine hands me a paper and says fill this out. I get a raise every year :) I know it's because they care so much about my work efforts which are currently listening to iTunes and reading blogs, you know, important stuff.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I have itty bitty boobs.

Sigh, I'm gonna go draw a godzilla between them and then make a wish.

Joey Lynn Resciniti said...

Congratulations on the raise and stuff. I read your post on Laugh out Loud and had to stop by here to have a mental poo. Must admit, I'm feeling better now.

Malach the Merciless said...

I would bitch, but I can go home half day and comeback and no one notices

Anonymous said...

what evil you could produce with a pie chart

Anonymous said...

Doodling is a way that boys, and men "wake up their brains" when they are bored. It's actually a sign of respect that you doodle. It means you are trying to stay awake. said...

Creativity leads to a raise. well done.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You have the best job in the world. Congratulations. I worship your talent.

Moooooog35 said...

Ed: *points at crotch

Erin: Her figure is attainable if you're Harrison Ford.

The more you know.


Chris: I know...amazing, right?

smArtee: I wouldn't trump Calista with a 10 foot pole.

Wait. What are you talking about?

Joann: Any downward dog is good downward dog.

I'm making that into a shirt.

Kernut:'s what's for dinner.


Speaking: I KNOW.

* returns to blogging

Lilu: I threw that in there just for you, baby.

Toe: OMG I would totally do my own review.

So lucky.

Becky: Send pics!

JoeyRes: You're welcome. It's what I do.

Kind of.

Malach: Me too!

We should have lunch.

Dog3OY: said 'pie'

Fabuleslie: Wow. Totally not what I wanted to do there.

I just wanted to draw Godzilla.

Waltsense: Creepy, right?


Thanks in advance.

lbluca77 said...

I got a raise recently. 50 cents. Obviously this is why I have to work as a phone sex operator on the side.

free fonts said...

hahaha it's funny man!

Brutalism said...

I have the same taste in women that you do (Yay Megan Fox, Boo SJP and Calista Flockhart).

Here's a tougie: Sandra Bernhardt. I find her ugly/hot. You?

Christina_the_wench said...

You seriously need a summer intern to cover and/or be a lookout for you.

And to make that popcorn.

Anonymous said...

You just made me forget what I was going to say with those Calista Flockhart pics. I mean, was there ANY NEED?

meleah rebeccah said...

Well congrats on getting a raise! that rocks.

meleah rebeccah said...

PS; I used to have the same 'Issue" as Calista Flockhart.

Thank you Plastic Surgery!
Some say elective. I say corrective!

Pat said...

Should you be on some meds or will it curtail your creativity?

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