Rainforests and the Freedom to Ride Your Own Poop | Mental Poo

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Rainforests and the Freedom to Ride Your Own Poop

Took my kids to Rainforest Cafe.

Rainforest Cafe Marketing Slogan:

By the time you leave this obnoxious overpriced restaurant, you'll want to pave over the rainforest!! TWICE!

Oh. Great. Another 'thunderstorm' and the 'animals' are going 'fucking crazy' and CAN YOU PLEASE TURN THE VOLUME DOWN OR GIVE ME A GUN?!?!

Seriously. The more I eat there, the more I want to help fund the deforestation effort.

We sat by the waterfall which should really be called the "WHATerfall" because if you try to hold a conversation next to a waterfall with a half naked man holding up a globe and water crashing down and SPRINKLING YOU?!? I'M TRYING TO EAT HERE, WTF?! you spend half your time talking to your family going:


So. Relaxing.

Regardless, me and the kids went to Rainforest Cafe WITHOUT THEIR MOM which meant one thing for the three of us:


Sir William Wallace knows the shit I'm talkin' about.

Case in point...


The kids menu came with an ad lib which we filled out with all kinds of stuff that would be deemed 'inappropriate' or 'childish' or 'probably illegal to discuss with children under 13 in most states.'

Here's how the mom-free non-censorship Ad-Lib came out:

Exercising makes me feel SQUISHY! On sunny days, I love to FART and ride my POOP. I also like to PEE with my friend, ERIC. On rainy days, I enjoy FARTING in my CEREAL. Sometimes RYLEY comes over and we GO TO THE BATHROOM together. When it's snack time, I like to eat VOMIT and sometimes OLD PEOPLE WITH THOSE WALKER THINGS. When I JUMP these foods, I feel TWITCHY.

Needless to say I was crying laughing at the 'ride my poop' part and swelling with such a sense of pride that I almost didn't want to eat my plate of old people with those walker things.

Which is probably better..since everytime I jump them I feel all twitchy.




I've created an audition tape to try and have my VERY OWN TALK SHOW!!

This is not a drill.

Please check it out and vote for me. That would be awesome.

Then what would be awesome is if you spread the word and got me even more votes.

Then I get rich and we're all happy. And by 'we're all happy' I mean "I am." I see this as a win.


Christina_the_wench said...

You paid $15 for a hamburger and you're now deaf. Kudos, my friend, kudos. Aww fatherhood...

Anonymous said...

No one ever points out the upside of global warming. It keeps your fries warm longer!

As for the lickable thing, WTFF? Don't ad people notice these things or are they all pedos? Maybe it's why I no longer work in advertising? Or could it be that I just hate advertising? Or 8 year old girls? Who knows?

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

Mad Libs... classic entertainment for juveniles, both young and old!

WILLIAM said...

Vomit is a very good snack.

LB said...

Maybe because I'm the Mom, I don't understand this. But I found:

I also like to pee with my friend, Eric.

just a wee bit disturbing. Have you talked to him about the birds and the bees and homos???

rachaelgking said...

Why only rainy days? Do the cereal farts cheer one up?

Secret Photographer said...

That McD's ad is brilliant. I wonder how long it took before anyone noticed.

Mike said...

Why do your children not have their own blogs yet?

Anonymous said...

Pump the breaks, pedophiles. I can't even believe that ad.

Miss Yvonne said...

I love how they just throw in the "old people with those walker things" in the midst of all the fart and poop words. Totally makes that waterfall shit worth it.

Moooooog35 said...

Christina: It's impossible to leave that place without spending $300 dollars on sandwiches.

Veggie: Ooooh. Good point.

that's what she said.


CatLady: They weren't MAD until we made them that way.


William: Preaching to the choir, my friend.

LB: hahaha..you said 'wee' bit disturbing.

good one.

Lilu: I have no idea. this place confuses the piss out of me.

Secret: You think people read those things?

Mike: I think it's fairly obvious why.

sassafrass: FYI, never use 'pump' and 'pedophiles' in the same sentence.

Yvonne: My kids are nothing if not creative.

And twisted.

But I think they inherited that trait.

Anonymous said...

We kept passing The Rainforest Cafe on The Riverwalk in San Antonio. THAT place and Hard Rock Cafe made me want to throw rocks in their windows. I held back though. Mostly because I couldn't find rocks...

Unknown said...

I can't believe that ad...it isn't real! Oh....check out the summer reading list on my blog today. If half those books aren't already on your bookshelf, they should be! I thought of you when I saw the titles of several of them!

kate sweeten said...

The closed down the Rainforest Cafe here only to replace it with "T-REX!!" - a new overpriced eatery that is also in a rainforest-type setting, but instead of just thunderstorms and waterfalls to contend with, you also have to talk over constantly roaring anamatronic dinsoaurs.

Fuck that noise.

Oh, and I will continue to be disturbed by that Bryers ad for the rest of the day.

pattypunker said...

i guess it's better to ride your poop and eat old people with walker thingys than to eat your poop and ride old people.

JD at I Do Things said...

Good ol' Mad Libs. So did you contribute any of the fill-in words? I feel very strongly that you were responsible for "vomit," at least.

meleah rebeccah said...


I ate at the Rainforest Cafe. ONCE. And I will NEVER do that again. I feel your pain!

Brutalism said...

Another reason to hate the Rainforest Cafe: they write your name on a list while you're waiting for the table and when the table is ready, they say, "Smith...SAFARI of three..."


ClevelandPoet said...

ah nothing brings families closer than Ad-Libs.

I've instituted a you can't leave my apartment without having filled one out rule.

The Demigoddess said...

Huh? What's wrong with that ad?
Oh..Sorry. I get it now. My sensor for "appropriate" versus "inappropriate" doesn't work well.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Ya gotta love kids!

I had my own 'pee' moment today. I had to get a medical test that required a full bladder (don't ask). I went into the waiting room and there was a water feature going full blast.

After the test (and a trip to the restroom), I told the tech, "There's nothing like having to suffer a full bladder with the sound of water trickling under your skin." Up to that point, she was a consummate professional...but I don't think they're supposed to giggle.

Malach the Merciless said...

Bunch a Poop Riders!

Jen said...

I love Mad Libs. They were the bulk of my summer entertainment when I was a kid and I am thankful we had Mad Libs and not the internet. Sorta.

I hate the rainforest cafe for all those reasons but also because the one in our big mall has a Build A Bear Workshop in it and that's an extra $30 on top of the meal that was too noisy. Thankfully their drinks are very large and they are usually bogo.

MrsBlogAlot said...

And here I was afraid to send my son out with just my husband for fear of what might happen.

I say let the old people vomit!

Maybe I should tag along.

Just in case.

steff said...

i had no idea that Breyers made flavors for pedophiles.
wait til my creepy "uncle" hears about this!!!

Marie said...

Too funny. I thought I was one of the few that despised that place.

I have to tell you, I was a Mom who encouraged that kind of behavior with my kids. I was a widow, so I figured I had to play the Dad role. Messing with their heads, I would then chastise them for acting like that. lol Just kidding. I had better ways to mess with their heads. lol

Not to be a spoil sport (almost said party pooper lol), but I have read that ad is a spoof. Maybe on Snopes? I'm not sure where.

Great post. :)

Anonymous said...

Was it the Rainforest Cafe in the Burlington Mall? I went there with my parents once, a couple years ago...I believe similar adlibbing happened. Only I was sixteen and they're forty so it's slightly more inappropriate.

Moooooog35 said...

Sarah: Yep..sure was. And nothing about me is appropriate, fyi.

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