Monday, June 28, 2010
I've seen it with my own eyes.
I've heard it with my own ears.
And for once, it wasn't me.
I was in the gym locker room the other day, when it happened.
GENIUS you say?
That's not the genius part.
It's WHAT he said as he was burping that was genius.
His burpspeak burp word was:
You know how when you burp you try saying things?
Well, the process of speaking while burping is called 'burpspeak' where typically you say a 'burp word' while burping.
Or, if you're John Goodman or Rosie O'Donnell and have bigger burps, your 'burp phrase' or 'burp short novel.'
The more you know.
My burp phrases are either, "nice tits" or "Luke, I'm your faaaather."
Depends on who I'm talking to at the bar.
Look out, ladies!!
But never, EVER, had I ever considered burping out the word:
Move over Stephen Hawking..
* kicks wheelchair over...Stephen Hawking types in the word 'OW!'
...there's a new sheriff in town.
A new sheriff with, you know, gas.
This got me thinking of other things that would be cool to say while burping.
Here you go:
1) "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
My apologies to non-Christians here who don't go to confession.
Although, I'm a Catholic and don't go to confession.
Seriously...I just don't have enough vacation time accrued at work yet.
That shit would take DAYS and this Internet porn ain't gonna watch itself.
2) "I'M COMING!"
Who cares...I mean, seriously, look at you.
You're lucky you're getting laid in the first place.
Again, another Catholic thing.
If you're a Jew, please substitute the word "Amein."
If you're from the middle east, substitute the word, "Infidel."
4) "I plead not guilty."
This phrase is applicable not ONLY in court, but also right after you get the shitty look from saying #2.
5) "I do."
Spend 3 hours writing custom wedding vows?
Just burp the 'I do' at the right moment, and you're covered.
* Congregation roars with laughter...bride high-fives you for creativity. Hot bridesmaids consider having sex with you regardless of the fact that you're now married to their best friend.
I see no downside here.
Looking back at that list, it appears that the first three could actually be done by a Catholic altar boy in one sitting..
The fourth one is the priest on trial for it.
Who knew Catholicism could be so burptastic?
Totally burped that.
If only I'd thought of doing that during my vows.
I've created an audition tape to try and have my VERY OWN TALK SHOW!!
This is not a drill.
Please check it out and vote for me. That would be awesome.
Then what would be awesome is if you spread the word and got me even more votes.
Then I get rich and we're all happy. And by 'we're all happy' I mean "I am." I see this as a win.