Your Salutation Smells Like Garlic | Mental Poo

Monday, June 28, 2010

Your Salutation Smells Like Garlic


It's happened, folks.

I've seen it with my own eyes.

I've heard it with my own ears.

PURE. GENIUS.

And for once, it wasn't me.

I was in the gym locker room the other day, when it happened.

A man...

...burped.

GENIUS you say?

Quite possibly.

But wait..wait..

That's not the genius part.

I know..shocking.

It's WHAT he said as he was burping that was genius.

His burpspeak burp word was:

"Burp."

That's right.

You know how when you burp you try saying things?

Well, the process of speaking while burping is called 'burpspeak' where typically you say a 'burp word' while burping.

Or, if you're John Goodman or Rosie O'Donnell and have bigger burps, your 'burp phrase' or 'burp short novel.'

The more you know.



My burp phrases are either, "nice tits" or "Luke, I'm your faaaather."

Depends on who I'm talking to at the bar.

Look out, ladies!!

* cricket

But never, EVER, had I ever considered burping out the word:

"Buuuuuuuurp."

IT'S.

BRILLIANT.

Move over Stephen Hawking..

* kicks wheelchair over...Stephen Hawking types in the word 'OW!'

...there's a new sheriff in town.



A new sheriff with, you know, gas.

Awesome.

This got me thinking of other things that would be cool to say while burping.

Here you go:

1) "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

My apologies to non-Christians here who don't go to confession.

Although, I'm a Catholic and don't go to confession.

Seriously...I just don't have enough vacation time accrued at work yet.

That shit would take DAYS and this Internet porn ain't gonna watch itself.

2) "I'M COMING!"

Inappropriate?

Who cares...I mean, seriously, look at you.

You're lucky you're getting laid in the first place.

3) "Amen."

Again, another Catholic thing.

If you're a Jew, please substitute the word "Amein."

If you're from the middle east, substitute the word, "Infidel."

4) "I plead not guilty."

This phrase is applicable not ONLY in court, but also right after you get the shitty look from saying #2.

5) "I do."

Spend 3 hours writing custom wedding vows?

Screw that.

Just burp the 'I do' at the right moment, and you're covered.

* Congregation roars with laughter...bride high-fives you for creativity. Hot bridesmaids consider having sex with you regardless of the fact that you're now married to their best friend.

I see no downside here.

Wow.

Looking back at that list, it appears that the first three could actually be done by a Catholic altar boy in one sitting..

The fourth one is the priest on trial for it.

Who knew Catholicism could be so burptastic?

I do.

Totally burped that.

If only I'd thought of doing that during my vows.

Stupid hindsight.

Moog out.

*********************
ALSO:

I've created an audition tape to try and have my VERY OWN TALK SHOW!!

This is not a drill.

Please check it out and vote for me. That would be awesome.

Then what would be awesome is if you spread the word and got me even more votes.

Then I get rich and we're all happy. And by 'we're all happy' I mean "I am." I see this as a win.

24 comments:

Maxie said...

what? you lost me at garlic.

god i hate it when people smell like garlic.

passionofthemom said...

ROTFLMFAO Dude. This is seriously the funniest shit I have ever read!!! I just woke both of my kids up, who came to investigate because I was pretty much hysterical. So props to you, friend, for being the funniest SOB who ever walked!! xD YOU ROCK!!!!!!

LB said...

LOL! Men are so gross. Talented, but gross.

CatLadyLarew said...

I *burp* you, Moooooog!

MamaTink said...

That was hysterical! The pic even more so!

Mike said...

I burped while I was voting for your Oprah again.

I got a few chunks too. Actually, I usually blow chunks while thinking about Oprah.

When you get the show, what kind of prizes will you be leaving under peoples chairs,besides plastic poo and mental poo mugs?

Pat said...

I, personally, am waiting for the video. I want to see you burp, "Nice Tits" because a) it's been awhile since I've heard those words and b) I'd like to hear it in burpspeak.

This is funny shit.

BTW, I AM a Catholic. :)

Eva Gallant said...

My husband totally roared when I read him the part about not going to confession because you haven't accrued enough vacation time! Love it! (We,too, are non-practicing Catholics.)

Danica-Dragonfly said...

Mooog ... is your font of talent eternal?

Eva, aren't most Catholics "non-practicing" these days? We're too ashamed ... which interestingly enough, we LEARNED from the church in the first place!

Miss Nikki said...

That is a brilliant burp word, I'm now training myself to make my butt say "fart" when I let one out...

Man, the shit you come out with! I am so jealous! Thanks for the much needed laughs.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Burping "I do" would be abso-fucking-lutely brilliant. The bride would then have no excuse for whatever happened during the course of the entire marriage.

meleah rebeccah said...

I've never been able to master 'burpspeak'. And believe you me, I've tried.

Malach the Merciless said...

I burpspeak drive through orders myself

Malach the Merciless said...

I burpspeak drive through orders myself

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAA! YOU are burptastic!

Thank goodness your kids don't have to go to burp school to learn this fine art.

Imagine the cost?

A Vapid Blonde said...

I love how you tie the altar boy up to the altar in this....right? That's what you did right? Tied him up and then did something sitting on him?

Do I need to go back and re-read this?

Captain Dumbass said...

That is an awesome list. My dad used to burp the name of Russian presidents, but that was back during the Cold War when they seemed to have longer names.

sammy said...

awesome list!

my buddy and his wife renewed their vows recently in vegas and it was done 'white trash style'. they wrote their vows on toilet paper and i think the burp would have fit perfectly!

Anonymous said...

Holy crow - my husband has been burping "burp" for years now - can't believe you never thought of that!

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I'm waiting for the video of you burping the Our Father, b/c burping a Hail Mary would just be sacrilegious.

Love me some Catholic humor!

Jen said...

I can't speak and burp at the same time UNLESS I am burpspeaking "burp". Man is blogger and or Firefox pissed off at this comment, there are red squiggly lines all over the fucking place.

Jen said...

I voted for you but they wouldn't let me login. I still got to vote though. Anyway, I spent a lot of time writing a comment and couldn't post it so I'm leaving it here.

Another reason you should have your own talk show is because you have that slightly weird accent that isn't quite identifiable. People would tune in just to try to figure out where you are from. Of course your name is AWESOME if you shortened it to Rod LeCroix because that's kinda porn starry. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Anyway, you got my vote and I'll throw it up on the blog too. Good luck!

Maybe it's best they wouldn't let me leave a comment?

Tracie said...

LOL! My son is trying to burp the abc's but he can't get past 'd'.

Brutalism said...

I want to meet the person that can burp Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody."

Actually, I don't.

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