Like a Great Big Bottle of GENIUS | Mental Poo

Monday, July 12, 2010

Like a Great Big Bottle of GENIUS

I was going to file this under 'My Shampoo is Trying to Kill Me' but since it's not trying to kill me in this case I decided not to and you have just wasted 20 seconds of your life reading a very useless opening sentence.

You're welcome.

I was in the shower the other day in between masturbating and shaving (a fully erect penis is a smoothly shaven penis...that's what my mom always said) and I noticed this on one of the shelves:


Clarifying Shampoo.

Ooooooh.

Then I started to think about all the places this has probably been useful.



Or...



Or...


AWESOME.

So I used like a WHOLE FRIGGING BOTTLE and I still couldn't figure out the plotline of LOST even though I watched the stupid 'pop up' repeat shows that TELL YOU what is going on and I'm totally suing Pantene because I also went out to fix my broken lawnmower and you know what?

Couldn't fix it.

Thanks for doing nothing to improve my handyman skills, Pantene.

Then I realized that all this shit does is just kind of clean your hair really really good.

Which I guess is a moment of clarity in and of itself.

You got lucky, Pantene.

You got lucky.

33 comments:

Vodka Logic said...

Your mind most definitely doesn't work like anyone elses.

Thanks for that clarification

A Vapid Blonde said...

I could totally use some clarifying shampoo and I am pretty sure I have been using cloud and fog shampoo of late with stick your head up your own ass conditioner.

Mrsblogalot said...

I've been so busy looking for youth in a bottle I never even thought to look for clarity.

Your cartoons are the best!!!!

I know...I know...

Buy a mug.

Laffylady said...

Hi You are on LOL today...link up and enjoy....!!!too funny....!

Sheila Sultani said...

Try using the conditioner too, everyone know that just using the shampoo doesn't work

MommaKiss said...

Did you 'rinse and repeat' - because that's really the key.
also - are you now purchasing this shampoo for your apartment, or does X. Mrs. Moog get custody of the shampoo.

Heather said...

I would have been focused more on the fire part of the bottle and been worried that if I used it, I would be instantly turned into a ginger. And then I would wonder if I would become naturally ginger EVERYWHERE by default and I would have to let hair grow in places it hasn't been in a LONG time. Then I would be afraid I would turn into a hippi by default with the new ginger bush and well we know where this is going.

ClevelandPoet said...

so what your telling me is those bottles I bought saying clarifying shampoo aren't going to help me?

and I should probably stop scouring the shelves of the shampoo aisle for the "awesome and rich writer shampoo"?

Moooooog35 said...

Vodka: It's what I'm here for.

I think.

Maybe not.

Vapid: Let me know when you run out.

I have a coupon.

Mrsblogalot: ..and yet you still don't buy one.

Perplexing.

Laffy: yay me!

Sheila: You'd think they'd write that shit on the bottle.

Momma: ssshhhh...I snuck it out!

Heather: No..by all means...please continue...

Cleveland: Yes. stop scouring the shelves.

Because if there's one bottle left and it's down to me and you fighting for it, I'm not above killing a man.*

*not an admission of guilt

Pat said...

Funny stuff, funny stuff.

Great cartoons.

But buy a vowel and get a clue.

If you'd keep your hands off your woody, your blood wouldn't flow to it, and maybe it would stay in that little brain of yours and you might be able to figure this shit out all on your own real quick like.

Course it wouldn't be as funny.

So never mind.

Rub all you want.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Omg, you missed the boat on this one again. You need to ask your hamster if you anything clarified. So its like,
Moog: "Hamster, explain this to me..?" Hamster: Fuck you!!

Are we clear? Geez.

Stacey said...

Anytime I'm sad, I'm going to look at the picture of the stick figure with wads of money. I can't stop laughing...

Christina_the_wench said...

Pantene sucks.

Travis said...

Jesus, in all His splendor and holiness and omniscience, is up in Heaven right now, STILL trying to figure out Lost.

If He can't do it, what makes you think Pantene can help you?

Ed said...

Forget LOST, send a bottle of that to the White House.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

You scare me into washing my hair even less than I already do. Which is like...never. (shut up, i'm busy)

Sunny said...

So I obviously I need either the shampoo or the white label equivilant because I can't figure out what the guy and girl boating has to do with the not showing up at the wedding scene. Wait, he is boating with another chick instead of getting married? Oh, I get it.

Elly Lou said...

Your site just ate my comment. Just to test the theory, I'm going to write about a butt plug shower caddy again just to see if I can crash it again. The site. Not the caddy. Cause ow.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

No YOU just got lucky, Moooooogy. That stuff is actually Nitroglycerine! For reals!

I heart the Pantene. They had one in winter (for dry Canadian hair) with a polar bear on the bottle. Not once did an actual polar bear come and eat my head, so I think you might be safe.

meleah rebeccah said...

The tax refund clarifying action IS hilarious!

Lisa Loomis said...

I think we'd all rather see a cartoon of the masturbating part.

Just sayin'.

Jen said...

I got stuck on the first cartoon, which way am I supposed to read it? left to right and top to bottom or in a counterclockwise circle?

Malach the Merciless said...

I am only halfway through season two of Lost and I have no problem following along. Must be all that Dungeons and Dragons I play.

Moooooog35 said...

pat: I had a really good reply but I think I passed out.

Wannabe: Are you saying that my hamster TELLS FORTUNES?!?!?!

Stacey: I'm glad I was able to provide to you a valuable life skill.

Christina: I know. They STILL haven't called me about a job.

Travis: Dude...too many religious references in there. I feel wicked filthy now.

hahaha. NOW.

Ed: Like that'll help.

Stephanie: You sound hot.

Sunny: Thanks for allowing us to peer into your entire thought process there.

The more you know.

Eva: Oh..if only she could talk.

Elly: I'm not sure why you'd want a butt plug shower caddy because how do you reach for the loofa?

Veggie: Polar bears are sneaky. They're biding their time.

Just you watch.

Meleah: Thank you!

Wait. Just that part?

Crap.

Lisa: WTF woman.

Jen: Where are you where you read cartoons in a counterclockwise circle? Asia?

Malach: Just wait.

Just. Wait.

JD at I Do Things said...

So that's how Stephen Hawking did it. I always wondered.

Next I'd like to see a cartoon depicting the effect of clarifying Pantene on pubic hair.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Warning: Not effective on blondes.

Brutalism said...

I want Pantene to come out with a validating shampoo.

I would buy that.

meleah rebeccah said...

LOL @ JD! Ahahahahhhahaah

Captain Dumbass said...

This post was so beautiful I misted up a little.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

I feverishly scrolled the toons to see your whacking the wang in the shower...... imagine my disappointment. LOL'd at the Hawking toon, which probably secured my place in hell.

Miss Nikki said...

You got it all wrong. ALL WRONG. I hate to be the only smart one in the class but... one day I'll get used to it. Look it up. Definition of clarity: A low grade form of ecstasy.

I didn't make it up. Urban Dictionary does that for me. So... your shampoo, and spanking the monkey? Low grade form of ecstasy. For a higher grade: buy your shampoo at the beauty salon you cheap ass!

Tamarni Honey said...

Is that why the shampoo is so overpriced? Is that why LOST makes absolutely NO fking sense? And when are the characters going to finally walk smack into the HOLLYWOOD sign?!
Sweet Jesus they're all high as a cuckoo's bum off of Hurley's Pantene-inspired mane!

kathcom said...

What does it say about me that I didn't understand the cartoons until the third time I read them? Probably that reading about an erect penis and then seeing Stephen Hawking with foamy stuff on his head is confusing for me. And that I need clarifying shampoo instead of the dandruff shampoo I've been using that makes my scalp flaky.

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