As if the iPhone Wasn't Annoying Enough | Mental Poo

Saturday, September 11, 2010

As if the iPhone Wasn't Annoying Enough

Because it's summer and I'm really lazy and someone offered to do a guest post for me I'm giving you a guest post today because - honestly - I'm kind of exhausted from eating Doritos and not showering (yay for single life!).

Today's guest post is from Louise Baker.

* Louise Baker writes about online colleges at Zen College Life. She recently ranked the best online schools in North America.

* she sent that to me so I just pasted it in here and I have no idea what "Zen College Life" is because most of my college life was spent in an alcoholic coma


How to Annoy the Hell Out of Someone Using Only an iPhone

Ahh, the iPhone.

It does everything, from checking email to updating Facebook, taking pictures to keeping track of your tasks, and it even makes phone calls (unless you're a technology journalist living in San Francisco).

The iPhone has a number of great features that are designed to be helpful, but there are also ways you can use it to annoy someone to distraction.

Let's take a look at just what those ways are.

(Editor's note: Call me 'old school,' but I believe in annoying people the Old Fashioned way: with lots of sexual harassment and the clever use of camouflage/dildos or camouflaged dildos)

Most of the methods which I describe will be using apps, but let's talk about ways that don't use apps first.

One way to annoy someone is simply to keep ranting about how great the iPhone is, especially to people who don't have one.

People who don't have iPhones fall into two categories:

1) People who really want one and are jealous

2) People who hate it.

Both of these categories will be really annoyed by your incessant yapping.

Secondly, if you have an iPhone 4, you can call someone and hold the iPhone in your hand without a bumper, and they won't be able to hear you (it's a feature!).

The Apps:

There are lots of great apps to aid you in your quest to annoy your frie - I mean, your enemies. These apps come in a variety of different types and have different purposes.

The classic prank app is the fart app. There are numerous versions of this general idea, all with essentially the same purpose and functionality.

Most other annoying applications are derivatives of the great original whoopee cushion, because the sound of excrement gases escaping has long been shown to be the most embarrassing - and therefore annoying - sound on the planet.

(Editor's note: Correction - I'm pretty sure that the most annoying sound on the planet is the sound of Fran Drescher laughing. I am now going to invent the iDrescher app)

This next app appeared mostly because of the 2010 FIFA World Cup, and has since become less popular.

The vuvuzela.

Will we ever forget the drone of a hundred million bumblebees trying to escape from our TVs? The Vuvuzela app is still a great one for annoying your sportier fr... enemies. Yeah.

A vuvuzela is a plastic trumpet popular in South America, and the sound it makes isn't all that bad unless you get thousands of the damn things in one place. Now with one simple app, you can recreate the World Cup experience whether people want you to or not!

(Editor's note: I recreate the World Cup experience every night when I fall asleep)

The last variation of the annoying noise app contains a series of annoying noises.

(Editor's note: They make a "Family Reunion App?!")

Unlike the above two, of which there are numerous equally annoying variations, I'm going to mention a specific app. Annoying, by Craneballs Studios is a simple, graphically pleasing app which has a plethora of disgusting and disturbing sound effects. There are also a number of other apps which offer sound boards with a variety of sounds, though this is probably one of the few focused exclusively on annoying sound effects.

Whatever your reason for needing to annoy someone, the iPhone can certainly help you do it.

Aside from using it to hit someone with, your best bet is to try one of the many applications designed to produce annoying sounds.

Yes, it costs a lot of money and your soul will forever belong to the mighty Steve Jobs, but that's a small price to pay for the pleasure of being a colossal dick.


Thanks, Louise!

Like I need an app to be a colossal dick.

Check out Louise at the link above if you want to read more.

Want to Guest Post here? Then send me an email to:


SisterMerryHellish said...

Great post Louise! While I try not to use my iPhone for evil, I inadvertantly annoy coworkers when I stop midsentence to see why my phone just vibrated. When something vibrates that close to me I'm going to pay attention!

That freaky orange with teeth is going to haunt me all day. Fan-fuckig-tastic.

Anonymous said...

The annoying orange = probably the dumbest thing I every saw.

If I had an iphone Id probably have annoying apps cus I have no other use for one.

Opto-Mom said...

My husband has a Droid, and he annoys the piss out of me with that thing. He has an app that's a smell detector. He will run it over me and a siren goes off and tells you if you're 65% or 80% or 95% stinky. My 9 year old thinks it's hilarious, by the way.

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