Carrot Top Disturbingly Lives with Reese Witherspoon and is Causing My Back Pain! I think. | Mental Poo

Monday, September 20, 2010

Carrot Top Disturbingly Lives with Reese Witherspoon and is Causing My Back Pain! I think.


A while ago I had back surgery because that's what you get when you can't poop without screaming and not for the good reason (tacos) but for the reason that your sciatic nerve is crushed like Elin Nordgren's sexy sexy heart.

But I had some lingering pain (thank you, age 42 you giant piece of shit!) so I had another MRI.

Which I looked at.

AND IT SCARED ME.

Why?

Because apparently I have people living in my spine.

Take my hand...follow me...I'll show you.

Don't worry. I washed it.

MRI #1: Dilbert vs. Reese


(click to enlarge all images)



What the...?

My first impression is this:



But I think this is more accurate:



Then I scroll down along my spine.

Is anyone else in here getting horny?

MRI #2: SAY IT AIN'T SO!





Well..if Carrot Top IS living in my spine...I suppose that explains all the agony.

MRI #3: I can only hope my back doesn't contain aphids





Great.

Now I'm all itchy.

MRI #4: Things go downhill from here










Great.

So now I'm thinking that my residual pain is caused by a shitty comedian or a praying mantis eating imaginary (I HOPE) back-aphids or potentially Epstein's giant afro is scraping against my sciatic nerve.

Then my doctor tells me that he looked and it's just scar tissue and then showed me the MRI:



Huh.

Not sure how I missed that.

Signed,

Epstein's mother.

38 comments:

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Sweet Jeebus!! Your back needs an exorcism!! It also look like a guitar pick. Were you ever in a band??

A Vapid Blonde said...

Definitely the praying mantis. Lets just hope she doesn't eat your head.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

That definitely is yoda. In your spine, better than in your pants.

Donda said...

And that is why mushrooms are for spaghetti!! LMAO

Brutalism said...

Maybe it was the fold-out poster of Epstein in Dynamite that is causing the pain. I saw back issues of Dynamite in a vintage store in DC recently.

Dynamite is vintage.

Now I'm depressed. Much like your sciatic nerve, thanks to Carrot Top.

Brutalism said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrsblogalot said...

Are you sure you're seeing the right kind of doctor? (-:

The Absence of Alternatives said...

I don't know... At first glance, I thought it's a call sign for Superman...

Dorn said...

Holy crap, that blond is burried up to her elbow in anus. I didn't think that kind of self torture was possible.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

first of all, your mri #3 is blank. i bet no one else told you that bc they're not REALLY your friend.

remember who's got your back

pun ... intended

second of all, did i ever tell you about the time i MET carrot top at the key west airport?

yeah, well, i was at the airport, and noticed a commotion and i look over and it's carrot top. he's taking pictures with fans, signing autographs, blah, blah, blah.

my traveling companion says to me, "wanna go meet him or get your picture with him or get his autograph or whatever?"

and i said, "are you out of your effing mind? it's effing carrot top."

and i went back to my cosmo.

and that's the story about the time i met carrot top.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Yea, I'm on board with the praying mantis - total match. Although it would be nice to have Reese Witherspoon inside you... erm, that sounds... nvm. scratch that.

Kelly Lund and Kids said...

Thank you thank you for the funny monday morning laughs!! I love it!!

the checkout girl said...

MRI #4 made me pee my pants in fear. As opposed to my usual peescuse, which is just that I wasn't paying attention and missed the signs that everyone else in the universe picks up on. Fear pee, though, that shit is real.

Ed said...

I'm pretty sure you're lion about that scar tissue.

Jenny Talia said...

the fuck?
more drugs for you
or less maybe

MJenks said...

So...does that mean that, when you have the scoots, it's like the herd stampeding in the gorge?

MommaKiss said...

Whilst you're dreaming Reese is in your back (also, Carrot top makes me nauseous) - I really just want to know if this MRI got you good drugs and if you'll share. I do naughty things for good drugs.

Beta Dad said...

Actual joke from Epstein: "It was hard growing up as a Puerto Rican Jew--I didn't know whether to sew pants or steal 'em." I learned so much from the Sweathogs.

Moooooog35 said...

Midwestern: I was in a band.

I was a BACK up singer.

Get it?

Vapid: Pretty sure she already did.

Wannabe: Wanna feel the force?

Donda: I'd say something funny back but these bugs are eating my feet.

Brutalism: You're not alone. Everyone is depressed because of Carrot Top.

Mrsblogalot: No. No I'm not.

Absence: Superman has a CALL?!

Dorn: Sure it is. Just ask Ryan Phillipe.

Speaking: If you could try to keep your comments shorter than my posts, I'd appreciate it.

Great story though.

Really.

*rolls eyes

Dr. Cynicism: DO YOU HAVE HER NUMBER?

Kelly Lund: You're welcome. Please go buy a mug.

Checkout: That's the one that kind of creeped me out, too.

Until I realized how awesome it was.

Ed: Your jealousy is unbe-cub-ing.

*cricket

Jenny: I VOTE MORE.

Mjenks: More like that show about the meerkats.

Good luck getting that picture out of your head now.

Momma: It DID get me good drugs. Not sure where they went.

Beta: Everyone learned much from the sweathogs.

It's why, to this very day, I go 'OOH OOH OOH' like Horschach in the deli line.

meleah rebeccah said...

I definitely see the praying mantis living in your spine. Yikes!

Sunny said...

1. Oooo Wah Ah Ah Ah! I'm gettin that grin tattooed on me..not sure where yet.

2. I've had a lumbar laminectomy...I'd rather have clothespins placed on my labia BUT, you don't need any permanent nerve damage man. If you got something that's numb, and it supposed to be, get that shit fixed.

3. Since I have red hair, I've been called carrot-top all my life. Now, it's an actual insult.

bitethebedbugs said...

I'm going to go ahead and second what MommaKiss said. I want whatever you got. And also, I can outdirty the dirtiest, so there's no way she's getting your extra stash.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Hmm, I need to find my old MRI's and see what's hiding in my spine...

Eva Gallant said...

Reese Witherspoon and Carrot Top...bad combo. No wonder you have residual pain!

Malach the Merciless said...

IT IS NOT A TUMOR!

Didactic Pirate said...

I'm 85% sure that the thing in your back is comedy legend Buddy Hackett. *Sighing with relief on your behalf*

Christina In Wonderland said...

Your spine is very popular with all the unpopular people it seems.

You poor soul.

Pat said...

So wait. Are you like on some pain medication or something? 'Cause your brain is FRIED.

Moooooog35 said...

Meleah: and I don't even LIKE gardening.

Sunny: I have clothespins.

Just sayin'.

Bitethebedbugs: Prove it.

The gauntlet has been THROWN!

JJ: Be careful what you wish for.

Eva: ..and that's just between L3 and L4!

Malach: Are you suggesting I should teach kindergarten now?

Didactic: I'm not sure that's much better.

Christina: Reese is unpopular?!?!

*faints in despair

Pat: No. My brain is normally like this.

Scary shit.

Lanita said...

I've got the number for a good exterminator. They will even show up in a green VW beetle...kind of in the shape of your back.

lacochran's evil twin said...

Wasn't Carrot Top freaky enough *before* the steroids?

The Sweetest said...

I think that girl in the first picture might have the praying mantis up her butt.

Chris C said...

A Dynamite reference. Well played sir.

Ed said...

I see more text book illustration of a uterus.

Miss Spoken said...

It's positively the Rasta jellyfish from Shark Tale.

Mike said...

I believe you have a lot of time on your hands. Awesome!

Mads said...

Holy crap! That is some scary stuff.
The evil smiley might be scarier than Carrot Top...wait...no. Definitely not.

Katherine said...

One of those pix wooks wike a cutie wittle pandah beh!

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