The following narrative is based on true events that occurred in the Summer of 2009.
“Holy shit…is that a skull?”
I have to admit, I was hesitant to uncover what I already knew was in there.
However, we had already started this adventure.
It was too late to back out now.
I used the primitive tools at hand to dissect away the outer casing…the shell…the..the…(my GOD…what WAS this..?)
…that held unspeakable horrors inside.
Me: “Ugh. I think…I think I’ve found something.”
The people around me gathered in for a closer look.
Yep. I’ve found something alright.
It’s just a matter in deciphering WHAT.
However, I knew coming in that I would be discovering...
Or, more precisely – what death has left behind.
My tools felt clumsy in my hands. I dropped them in favor of utilizing my hands to explore further.
Piece by piece I pulled the outer casing away.
I could smell the odor of decay and…something else…
I could see through the dusty membranes…
Me: “Wow. Look at THIS.”
I picked up one of the sharper tools and began peeling away at the rest of the layers adhered to what I know knew was the bone of…
Me: “OH. Gross. It’s a friggin’ skull.”
It was a skull.
Entombed in this crusty sarcophagus was, at the very least, a single skull.
But there was, unfortunately…more.
As I continued digging, I uncovered several small ribs…
…then a hip bone…
The next skull I found was much bigger…the top of it caved in with incredible force that had – undoubtedly – caused the victim’s demise.
A hip bone came into view.
Me: “I think I’m going to be sick.”
Ex-wife: “OH..suck it up you wuss…this is cool.”
(on a related note: Ex-Wife for Sale!)
Daughter: “I think it’s a mole.”
Son: “I think it’s a bird!”
No – it wasn’t a mole…
...it wasn’t a bird.
According to “Owl Pellet Bone List” – this was some type of other rodent.
My ex-wife happened to come home with 5 packages of owl pellets.
I have no idea where she got them.
(I’m sure she told me at one point – but I typically ignored her so I have no idea).
Apparently, owls can’t digest the bones of things…so they basically cough them up in giant hairballs that slightly resemble my gonads prior to my discovery of manscaping.
Yep – my balls looked like owl puke.
LOOK OUT, LADIES!!
This was my Sunday night.
That, and yelling at my daughter to OH MY GOD KEEP YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM YOUR MOUTH!!!
I wish my ex-wife would have stopped bringing shit home.
Sorry...I mean 'puke.' I wish she'd have stopped bringing puke home.
I hate science.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010