A True Who-Dunit | Mental Poo

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A True Who-Dunit

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The following narrative is based on true events that occurred in the Summer of 2009.
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“Holy shit…is that a skull?”

I have to admit, I was hesitant to uncover what I already knew was in there.

However, we had already started this adventure.

It was too late to back out now.

I used the primitive tools at hand to dissect away the outer casing…the shell…the..the…(my GOD…what WAS this..?)

…that held unspeakable horrors inside.

*crunch*

Me: “Ugh. I think…I think I’ve found something.”

The people around me gathered in for a closer look.

*crack*

Yep. I’ve found something alright.

It’s just a matter in deciphering WHAT.


However, I knew coming in that I would be discovering...

...death.

Or, more precisely – what death has left behind.

My tools felt clumsy in my hands. I dropped them in favor of utilizing my hands to explore further.

Piece by piece I pulled the outer casing away.

I could smell the odor of decay and…something else…

*crunch*


Bone.

I could see through the dusty membranes…

...BONE.


Me: “Wow. Look at THIS.”

I picked up one of the sharper tools and began peeling away at the rest of the layers adhered to what I know knew was the bone of…

Me: “OH. Gross. It’s a friggin’ skull.”

It was a skull.

Entombed in this crusty sarcophagus was, at the very least, a single skull.

But there was, unfortunately…more.

Much more.

As I continued digging, I uncovered several small ribs…

…then a hip bone…

…and then…vertebrae.

The next skull I found was much bigger…the top of it caved in with incredible force that had – undoubtedly – caused the victim’s demise.

A hip bone came into view.


Me: “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Ex-wife: “OH..suck it up you wuss…this is cool.”

(on a related note: Ex-Wife for Sale!)

Daughter: “I think it’s a mole.”

Son: “I think it’s a bird!”

No – it wasn’t a mole…

...it wasn’t a bird.

According to “Owl Pellet Bone List” – this was some type of other rodent.

Yep.

Owl vomit.

Sorry…owl PELLETS.

My ex-wife happened to come home with 5 packages of owl pellets.

I have no idea where she got them.

(I’m sure she told me at one point – but I typically ignored her so I have no idea).

Apparently, owls can’t digest the bones of things…so they basically cough them up in giant hairballs that slightly resemble my gonads prior to my discovery of manscaping.

Yep – my balls looked like owl puke.

LOOK OUT, LADIES!!


Owl pellets.

This was my Sunday night.

That, and yelling at my daughter to OH MY GOD KEEP YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM YOUR MOUTH!!!

mmmm…rodentlicious.

I wish my ex-wife would have stopped bringing shit home.

Sorry...I mean 'puke.' I wish she'd have stopped bringing puke home.

I hate science.

22 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

well, that explains the bird skill my grandson found! Owl droppings.

Pollyanna said...

Definitely sounds cool! Especially if I weren't the one doing the actual dissection.

Quirkyloon said...

Garsh, you didn't mention anything about gloves.

I hope you didn't SOIL the crime scene with your own DNA!

I thought you were smarter than that.

Tsk. Tsk.

Christina_the_wench said...

Who is the poor sucker who goes around collecting owl poop for school kids to comb through? Now there's a job for a resume.

Coffeypot said...

Now you know how I found my wife's wedding ring. She thinks if came from a jeweler.

pattypunker said...

if i never see another pic of a hairy nut with teeth it'll be too soon.

random pic of richard simmons with his O face? welcome anytime.

Ann said...

Hope you didn't do that on the table, or the counter, or in the sink, or...well anywhere inside.

I'm talking about the owl pellet, not the manscaping....although....

MJenks said...

"BOING" is from Raleigh. I'm not much of a fan, but she's worshiped and glorified down here.

It takes a special kind of person to collect owl pellets. I watched the Dirty Jobs where he went out with the owl pellet collector. The guy was funny, a bit off, but funny nonetheless. Makes me rethink that whole "I'm going to work in a lab for science!" decision I made a long time ago...

J.J. in L.A. said...

The scariest part of this post is finding out that your balls have teeth! *shudder*

Elly Lou said...

Maybe this is the exact same scene that inspired Thomas Dolby to write his classic hit, eh? EH?

I know, stick to jokes about hairy balls, El.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Don't you mean "a true HOOT-dunit?"

Thank you. I'm here all week.

Pat said...

And this is how serial killers begin.

Just saying...

Malach the Merciless said...

Yeah, we did that too, I had more fun with it than the kids, still have it in bag

Ed said...

I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.

I couldn't wait to see what you pulled out of your ass this time.

Yes, I waited for THAT, which is slightly wrong.

The Barreness said...

I second the "two thumbs up" vote for Ricky's O Face.

Sadly I jave never understood the whole fascination with "how shit works" or, if you must, "Science".

Reminds me of a guy I dated once who actually thought it funny to describe the contents of his poo.

"Dude! It totally smells of curry and I can see little bits of sweet corn! Check it out, B!"

Not. Okay.

- B x

Moooooog35 said...

Eva: OR he's starting to become a serial killer.

Either or.

Pollyana: Yes. If you don't mind having rat skull on your kitchen table.

Or owl shit, really.

Ann: TOO LATE! For both things, actually.

Mjenks: ..moving to Raleigh..

JJ: Is that not normal?

Elly: Whoa whoa whoa. How many of those jokes do you HAVE?

Chris:

*cricket

Pat: They start out with owl shit?

Really?

The more you know.

Malach: You still have it?

WHY?

Ed: Last time I pulled something out of my ass it was your wife's wedding ring.

BAM!

Barreness: * crosses off list of things to put on my eHarmony profile *

Brutalism said...

David Caruso takes sunglasses off dramatically and says, "Looks like that pellet has left the chamber..."

AND...scene.

Sunny said...

ok, so this one time, my daughter had a dermoid cyst on her ovary which we had removed. Her doc was one of those geeky excited at weird things that happen in women's bodies kind of guy. He said it contained hair and teeth and skin...

*blink

I think I threw up in my mouth a little when he enthusiastically showed us the length of a hair he found inside using the "I caught a fish this big!" demonstration.

Didactic Pirate said...

Owl shit with bones inside makes a great stocking stuffer for the kids. Buy some today!

bettyl said...

Strange but entertaining post!

Brutalism had it correct, except 'my friend' should have been added.....; )

I'm pretty sure I don't want to know why your ex brings stuff to your house.....

Doug Stephens said...

We used to disect those in school. Every year from 4th to 7th. By 7th we were so tired of it that four of us got together and built a supergiganticawsomeMouse.

You have not lived until you have built a supergiganticawesomemouse.

meleah rebeccah said...

Um... OMG. Eeeeewwwwwwwwww

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