What I Did in Child Impact Class | Mental Poo

Monday, September 27, 2010

What I Did in Child Impact Class

What's the answer to the title of this post?

Hint: It had nothing to do with paying attention to Child Impact Class.

Let me explain.

As part of the divorce decree, my ex-wife and I had to attend a MANDATORY seminar called the "Child Impact Program" which had more to do about how to treat your kids during and after a divorce and much less to do with how hard you can hit them before they cry.

I was thinking, like, a medium speed closed-fist punch and/or a 5 mph bump with a subcompact sedan but then the teacher was all "Are you serious?" and I'm all, "Ha. Um. No." and then he turned all red and was pretty adamant about being serious here because this was, after all, about the mental health of the children during this very difficult time.


THAT kind of "impact."

So..noting the seriousness of this class, here is how I spent my 3-1/2 hours when the ex-wife (OOPS..my "Co-Parent") and I weren't making fun of other people or getting yelled at for "disrupting the class."

Teacher = ASSHOLE.

Anyway...here's what my 3-1/2 hours of fucking around consisted of:

(click to enlarge images)


So, basically I started doodling as I'm wont to do when I'm bored or at work (redundant).


Once again, my fascination with fangs comes out and I'm not sure where that comes from because I'm totally Team Jacob but I have to tell you the picture of the teacher is pretty much spot-on except in this sketch he's not expressing his disappointment in me.


My ex-wife didn't think the "raising kids" thing was funny so I took the time to write next to it, "not funny" with an arrow just so I could apparently remind myself that - sometimes - she still doesn't get me.


So it was during the above doodle (SUCK IT, PICASSO) that my ex-wife and I were laughing at something and I wasn't even looking up because HAVE YOU SEEN HOW AWESOME THIS DOODLE IS?! and the teacher yelled at us for not paying attention.


Teacher = ASSHOLE.

So, by the time I was putting the finishing touches on my tornado/muppet scene on the back cover the teacher was wrapping up and we left class learning one valuable lesson:

Getting divorced is a PAIN IN THE ASS.

Next time, I'm bringing a sketch pad.


AtYourCervix said...

I had to suffer through a similar class when I was going through my divorce and custody issues. Funny thing? My ex never went, and the courts didn't make a big deal about it. WTF?!?

Not like you learn a darn thing from the 4 hr class anyway, other than you've just wasted half of your day and $50.

Pat said...

Tell me again why you're getting a divorce? You laughed through the class with your ex? Seriously? When I went through a divorce, the only time I would laugh with my ex in the same room was at his funeral.

I thought your drawing of a man raising kids was hysterical, by the way.

Dazee Dreamer said...

omg, I thought your "raising the kids" was freaking hilarious. Loved all your doodles. Thanks for the laugh this morning

R.W. Wells said...

I'm pretty sure that if you'd figured out time travel you could've sent your asshole instructor back to 1975 when classes weren't mandated by higher ups that haven't a clue as to what goes on in your family.

BTW...did the motorcyclist land the crazy ass stunt?

Unknown said...

I love that you two have such a good realtionship....your kids will be just fine--with or without that child impact class!

00dozo said...

Heh, heh. It's probably a good thing for the teacher that kids, particularly yours, were not invited.

Anonymous said...


You are INSANE. I mean that in that nicest way possible.

I absolute LOVE the "raising children pic" and the time travel symbol!


Moooooog35 said...

Cervix: You mean we could have SKIPPED THIS?!?!

Never mind. Then I wouldn't have these cool doodles.

Pat: We're stupid people like that.

Dazee: You're welcome. BUY A MUG!

RW: Oooooh. Good point on the time travel thing. Then again, I'd only be 7.

Eva: Apparently you don't know my kids.

00dozo: I don't know. My kids draw pretty well themselves.

Quirky: Is there a non-nice way to call someone insane?

I didn't think so.

pattypunker said...

total bullshit is the ultimate neutralizer. glad to see you and the ex were laughing your way through it.

also, co-parent whisperer -- too funny!

Miss Yvonne said...

That class is reason enough to never get divorced. I'd rather be in a loveless, soul sucking marriage than sit through something like that. Co-parents? Gah!

Possum said...

Gotta agree with pattypunker on the "co-parent whisperer"...

SisterMerryHellish said...

The "raising kids" doodle is hilarious! Next time add "from the dead" and see how well it goes over.

Kernut the Blond said...

LOL! I love the doodles! I do wish my parents had gone to one of those during their divorce.

But then again, maybe I wouldn't be a blogger if they had.

Brutalism said...

God is my co-parent.

MrsBlogAlot said...

Only YOU can make divorce look funny!

J.J. in L.A. said...

Awesome artwork! And I hate asshole teachers...

In college, a teacher asked, "You don't like me, do you?" I replied, "No, I don't." He gave me a passing grade (which I was (barely) before 'the talk') just for my honesty.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I think the fact that you can still laugh together through a boring class is evidence that you've got the 'effective co-parenting' thing sorted.
There was none of this crap in 1976 when my parents split. They observed two rules:
1> Worked out the custody and money crap themselves.
2> Never talked smack about each other to us, ever ever.

There was no 3 P's, or 4 R's, or whatever the hell. I've already been married twice as long as my parents were so I'm fairly certain I'm not scarred for life.

I love your doodle posts.

Dr. Cynicism said...

For some reason, I'm still laughing my ass off at the first pic of the kid hitting another kid. Great stuff.

Ducky said...

Glad I'm not the only one who had to suffer through the up lifting oh so educational class.

At least you had fun in yours. I think I picked a spot on the wall at the front of the room and zoned out. May even have drooled a little.

meleah rebeccah said...

Hey at least you and your "co-parent" found something to laugh at together. And I think "raising kids" IS very funny. Definitely funny.

*wow, I just scrolled up and read all the comments. Apparently I have NOTHING original to add/say.*

Malach the Merciless said...

and expensive

Ziva said...

Wait, that's NOT how you raise kids? Man, did my parents get it wrong...

Moooooog35 said...

Yvonne: You know what they say about hindsight, right?


Possum: Guy was an ass.


(get it?)

Sister: You sound creeeeepy.

Kernut: Thank God for small miracles.

Brutalism: What is up with you and the amazing comments lately?


Mrsblogalot: Yes. It's hilarious sitting around alone in my underwear eating Fruity Pebbles for supper.

JJ: If my teacher's did that to me for being honest, I'd be a professor by now.

In what, I have NO idea.

Shield: You love my doodle posts?

That's what she said.


Cynicism: It's amazing what Google will help you find.

..or store in your account from your own camera. Whatever.

Daffy: Drool?

You sound hot.

Meleah: Way to cut/paste, Meleah.

Malach: tell me about it. I'm writing this response on slate.

Ed: I think my doodles are worth it.

I'm crushed.

Ziva: That explains why you smell of compost.

Cassie said...

Why did they give you the handout folder if it isn't to draw doodles on? Seriously, it was crying out for doodles.

Becky said...

It wasn't a complete waste of time. You could sell your art on Ebay, or something.

there was no way I was going to sit through that class with my ex. So I took the 2 hour evening class. His stupid lawyer signed him up for the 6 hour weekend class.

I'm still the better parent. Just saying.

Loved 'raising kids'. Awesome.

Laura Lu said...

Thanks a TON Rod... FML. Gotta take the SAME seminar very soon...
I am totally bringing a sketch pad. Love the raising the kids sketch. . . and the ex doesn't quite "get" me either.

Divorce is a pain in the ASS in NH.

meleah rebeccah said...

I promise that I did NOT cut and paste my comment! #pinkyswear

Moooooog35 said...

Cassie: EVERYTHING cries out for doodles.

Becky: Want two more?

Laura: Divorce is a pain in the ass EVERYWHERE.

Meleah: *rolls eyes


ARealFather: You sound tolerant.

A Vapid Blonde said...

Is ARealFather for real? Because seriously he has no clue how to use the word faggot properly as most fathers do. What is the world coming to.

And I am wondering about this fang thing because I have had one before...in my mouth.

No one believed me. I used to stick a hershey kiss on it and pretend it was a giant chocolate fang.

I can't believe how hot I am.

BadLarry said...

"Next time, I'm bringing a sketch pad." - Mooog

Don't forget a few boxes of those paper popper thingies that explode when you throw them. They'll serve a dual purpose:

1.) help time to fly in class.

2.) piss off your asshole teacher to no end.

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

Your doodle of raising kids reminds me of the garden in that classic film, "Motel Hell".

Unknown said...

Just catching up on your mental poops holy shit, I peed a little again. I so fucking get you because I doodle in meetings or classes or pretty much any place where I cannot whip out my vibrator. It keeps my right hand busy.

Anonymous said...

Divorce sucks but at least you got to work on your doodling. Well done you!

Anonymous said...

Divorce sucks but at least you got to work on your doodling. Well done you!

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