Fatty the Snowman | Mental Poo

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Fatty the Snowman


Like Frosty succumbing to gravity, except with a bigger muffin top and Toughskin brand corduroys.

Let me explain.

I live in New Hampshire, which means – by default – you are required by law to do a few things:

1) Ski/snowboard

2) Make fun of people from Massachusetts

3) Do weird things to animals

4) Do weird things to animals while skiing and yelling ‘Massachusetts sucks!’

Maybe ‘all of the above’ would have been a better choice for #4.

Whatever.


So, I ski.

Well, I haven’t gone skiing in a long time.

This stopped on or around the time God invented laziness and coupled it with my desire to watch football instead of spending 70 bucks on a ticket for an activity where I do all the work.

But I used to ski.

When I was a giant fat shit of a kid, my parents took me to Boston Ski Area’ in the town of – you guessed it – North Andover.

Right.

And yet people from Massachusetts wonder why we make fun of them.


During my very first lesson, my parents were situated at the bottom of the main hill.

I was in the second hour of my ski lesson, which consisted of trying to actually get the skis to move while under the weight of a kid who just ate three pot pies for breakfast.

Mmm. Pot pie.

If you listened closely, you could hear the snow beneath my feet gently weeping.

I invented the phrase ‘packed powder.’

Did you know that snow can also turn to glass when under enough pressure?

True story.


So, the instructor somehow managed to get me and the rest of the class UP the hill on the chairlifts.

The PLAN was to hold each other’s ski pole as we skied ACROSS the top of the main hill..over to the much less steep ‘bunny slope’ on the far side.

Foreshadowing complete.


As we started across the top of this slope…the instructor was yelling:

SERPENTINE!! SERPENTINE!!

Now, with all of us kids being 7 and never seeing the movie ‘The In Laws,’ none of us actually knew what the Hell "serpentine" meant.

Sadly for me, the kid in front of me thought ‘serpentine’ meant ‘get rid of fat kid behind me any way possible’…

..and he fell.

The kid in front of me..

FELL.


As the kid in front of me fell, he decided to take his pole with him.

This left yours truly, looking like a stuffed sausage dressed for cold weather, with nothing to hold on to.

I immediately dropped to the ground.

In retrospect, I WISH that had happened.

Alas, it did not.

No, what DID happen was that upon the little shit jackass in front of me plopping down and me losing hold of his ski pole my skis decide to take an IMMEDIATE 90-degree turn towards the right and aim me – with all 2 hours of skiing expertise fresh in my mind – shooting straight down the main hill without actually knowing how to turn or serpentine or stop or, you know, really know how ski even a little bit at all.

Serpentine.

I can only hope my instructor died a painful death.

Serpentine.

Asshole.


Basically all I remember at this point is sheer panic with my life hurtling in front of me and man I could sure go for a roast beef sandwich if I survive all of this and OH FUCK I JUST FELL AND MMMPPH THIS IS AAARGHH STEEPER THAN I UUNNNGGGHH THOUGHT AND AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!

It’s at this point in the story that my parents, staring up the hill from the bottom basically see a giant snowball hurtling towards them with skis and poles and boots and maybe a Twinkie shooting out of it and snow flying everywhere…

..at which point my father says:

Dad: “Wow. I sure feel bad for that poor bastard.”

* pause

Mom: “Um. I think that’s our son.”

Yep. It was their son.


All 200 pounds of flubbery, twinkie-eating bad-skiing non-serpentining son careening towards them and bowling pretty much everything down it his path.

Dad: “Ooooh.”

Ugh. Skiing.

Apparently I survived..probably due to the thick layer of cheese and shit surrounding my bones.

I should have just stayed home and been lazy.

Or done shit with animals.

Friggin' New Hampshire.

41 comments:

Daffy said...

So you watch football AND you're a fan of Hells Kitchen....the wonders never cease....

Eva Gallant said...

Reminds me of when my sons took their new step-brother skiing. They were 9,10, and 11. My two were experienced skiers. Stepson had never been on them. As hubby and I looked up the small mountain (Lost Valley, in Auburn, Me.) we saw three figures at the top of the expert slope. Hubby said, "they wouldn't take him down that, would they?" Then one figure comes down all "whoosh, whoosh" zig-zagging all the way; second figure comes down, whoosh whoosh. Third figure comes down ass over teakettle, so to speak! Yeah, they took him on the expert slope. Luckily he is alive today.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Yeah, I was the fat kid on skis too. The baked potato waiting for me at the lodge at the bottom of the hill was like the carrot leading the horse. 5 minutes of skiing, baked potato, 5 more minutes of skiing, baked potato. Gained 10 pounds every time I went skiing.

Janene Murphy said...

LMAO - best post ever! My first time skiing was not as comical but just as tragic. Too bad I married an avid skier. When we go skiing in Iowa (oxymoron, I know) he goes down the slopes with the kids while I sip hot chocolate in the lodge. It ain't all bad, I suppose.

Ann said...

Usually at some point in one of your posts, you say something that makes me go off in my own little mental tangent. (yay A.D.D.) So, I was thinking it was going pretty well until...*due to the thick layer of cheese and shit surrounding my bones*.

I spent the next 5 mintes trying to figure out if you crapped your pants.

SisterMerryHellish said...

My great aunt Toots lives in Glen, NH and I swear I remember a story about how the state was littered with twinkies! NOW it makes sense!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You know, I snowmobile in the winter and I like it a lot but skiing I have never attempted, mainly because I like my limbs with the bones on the inside pointing the right way. It just never seemed really sensible to me to fly down a slippery mountain with two planks attached to my feet, when I have trouble walking down a hill without falling on my ass. Plus there are no hills in Winnipeg - fact. You'd look like a giant asshole standing here on skiis waiting to be propelled anywhere. :)

This entry still made me guffaw. But then I'm not in Massachusetts...

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

I love the illustrations you have included with this!

I have never been brave enough to attempt to ski. Plus I hate being cold. I have gone tubing though. ha!

pattypunker said...

you wore that "i fuck on the first date" tshirt to impress the animals, didn't you?

Coffeypot said...

I like that t-shirt. And if I ever have a first date again I plan on doing just that. Maybe!

Moooooog35 said...

Daffy: LOOK OUT, LADIES!

Eva: And back then we didn't even wear helmets. So I find that kind of daredevil-ish, no?

Steam Me: Your lodge had baked potatoes?! That would have changed EVERYTHING.

Janene: You're so lazy, woman.

Ann: That's weird because my entire post is a mental tangent.

Sister: And I don't even LIKE Twinkies.

Veggie: I had to Google 'guffaw.' Kudos to you!

Kimber: I didn't read your comment because every time I see 'Kimber' I start thinking "Nip/Tuck" and Kimber on the show and..um..

..back in a few minutes.

Patty: I still do. Why? Doing something for ya?

Coffey: Any date night can be first date night if you're creative enough.

Good luck, my friend.

Mike said...

Being 7 years old and having a weight of 200lbs is a HUGE weight to height ratio. I believe that gives you the density and gravitational pull of a black hole. I'm surprised you didn't drag the other kids with you.

Kage said...

maybe you did manage to cock-spear a few animals on your way down the hill. you never know.

don't be so *hard on* yourself.

rahahahahahaha! ah, fuck.

Brooke said...

Hahaha...My first skiing experience was much like this, but in Minnesota (I have no idea). However, after my 2 hour lesson on the bunny slope, I decided it was time to head down the blue hill. I didn't really know how to turn, so I just crouched down, aimed for the bottom, and went. My parents were screaming at me to FALL, but I just kept on going, skied across a street, and finally, came to an abrupt stop plastered across the front door of a gift ship.

Pat said...

Wait - is that REALLY a photo of you? I see you were wearing nail polish. That explains a lot.

Ed said...

All this talk of "holding each others poles" got me excited.

Miss Yvonne said...

The only skiing I've done is cross country. It was fun until I had to, you know, move. Then it was nothing but sweating and grunting and falling down a lot.

Jeremy from We Took The Bait said...

I wondered what the song "Welcome To the Jungle" was about, until I read this post. With all of the mentions of serpentine, it's now quite clear that Axl was singing about teaching husky kids to ski.

Mental Poo. It can be educational.

Malach the Merciless said...

My favorite part of NH is the sign telling me off all the accidents involving moose

Malach the Merciless said...

My favorite part of NH is the sign telling me off all the accidents involving moose

J.J. in L.A. said...

Thank God I live in California. Swimming sounds MUCH safer.

Magic27 said...

I've never been tempted to try skiing (being all chronically uncoordinated and unathletic 'n' all), and this hilarious post just reinforced my trust in my own good judgement. Of course, living in the south of France helps (even though there are places to ski frighteningly close - Pyrenees about 2 hours away, Alps about 4 hours away and Massif Central about 1.5 hours away); not having a car, being bone idle and totally broke are also pretty good.
I rejoice in the fact that most of France and my native Britain are suffering under a shitload of snow and sub-zero temperatures while I'm sitting here, sun shining, sky blue and no need to even wear a coat it's so goddam mild. Not a snowflake in sight. Praise be!
PS I didn't know there were sheepshaggers outside of Wales...

chickens consigliere said...

And I'll bet none of the massholes even tried to help you, right? Are you listening, ski patrol? Mountains need life guards.

Bookjones said...

OH MY GOD! The EXACT same thing happened to me on my very first ski trip! Well, except I wasn't fat. And the instructor didn't say "serpentine". But I absolutely DID end up on a black diamond slope my VERY FIRST EVER run down a mountain, and I was quite sure I was going to die. And my conviction was spurred on by the fact that I had gone with a Church Youth Group because a girl who wanted to be friends with me invited me, so I accepted because HELLO, free ski trip, and being a total user like that just HAD to be bad karma, you know?
So I ended up managing to somehow fling myself to the ground, where I took my skis off, sat on them, and slid down the mountain like an overgrown toddler, and promptly crashed into the ski lodge at the bottom. Yes. I've always been this cool. This happened when I was fourteen. I took my awkward age really seriously, obviously.

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: I probably DID pull them down with me but was too busy to notice with all the, you know, falling.

Kage: I'm always hard on myself.

Specifically my right hand, but whatever.

Brooke: We should plan a trip some time.

Pat: No..but it's close.

The nail polish color, I mean.

Ed: This admission surprises no one.

Yvonne: Cross country skiing sounds terrible. I'd just make someone pull me.

Jeremy: You misspelled edumacational.

Malach: Brake for them. It could save your life.

JJ: Yes. Because I'd much rather drown or be attacked by a shark than, you know, fall into snow.

Magic: England?! Bon Journo!

Chickens: Back then I WAS a Masshole. And, no, we don't help ANYONE.

Too much work.

Bookjones: Are we related?

Miley said...

oh for the love of god, you make me laugh.
I like the fake pic of you, complete with nail polish. Classic.
Forgive my young stupidity but... WHAT THE FUCK is serpentine supposed to mean?!

00dozo said...

One does not take the chair lift to the "bunny hill". This should have been your first clue to inevitable disaster.

Sandra said...

I, for one, think rolling Twinkies are yummy.

Sassy Stylings said...

I suspect the "Bienvenue" was included on the "Welcome to New Hampshire" sign due to the state's close proximity to "La Belle Province", otherwise known as Quebec, or "where they do weird things to sheep".

I'm an avid alpine skier and have taken a few spectacular tumbles, including falling off a T-bar and holding on for dear life while trying to look cool 'cause oh my God it was so embarrassing and how would I ever live this down and why is EVERYONE looking at me! I need a drink.

Blue said...

thanks for the laugh today!

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

You are an inspiration to fat kids everywhere.

The Empress said...

Oh, wiping the tears from my eyes.

You can tell a story...

Oh, also? you could have died, you know that??

Moooooog35 said...

Miley: MILEY CYRUS?! You're 18 now, right?

*call me..I'll tell you all about 'serpentine'

00dozo: I was more interested in the fact that the mountain looked like one of those coconut pastries.

Sandra: my soulmate

Sassy: I've been skiing in Quebec.

I'm pretty sure this ties the entire 'sheep' thing together.

Blue: *curtsies

You've Got: It's how I roll.

Get it?

ROLL.

*dies laughing

Empress: I wouldn't have died because there was a four inch layer of blubber surrounding me. Like one of those Zorb balls but with fat instead of, you know, Zorb ball.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

See skis and I have an agreement. I leave them alone and they don't thrust me down a hill breaking both of my legs.

*hehehe* I said thrust. *hehehe*

Anonymous said...

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Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Ack!

I think I remember heading straight down a hill as a beginner and just picking up speed and the first thing you should do is just fall down near the top of the hill so that your MPH is much smaller than when you fall down at the bottom of the hill and which would also reduce the likelihood of dying. I commend you for surviving enough to tell the tale.

Boom Boom Larew said...

I've been skiing twice in my life... which was probably two times too many. I actually fell off the chair lift. Yeah... I was that good.

meleah rebeccah said...

I cant stop laughing at the "I CRAVE A HOTPOCKET" caption

boldlymocking said...

Brilliant imagery!

I especially like the idea that the Twinkie survived the fat-kid-rolling-down-the-slope.

Nicole said...

Hell, I'm so late to post you'll never see this comment, and yet, brav-fuckin'-o. You killed me with "Fatty is gripped by gravity." It's one o'clock int he morning and I'm snort-laughing the house into wakefulness.

I will never ski after reading this. Worth it.

Theresa Wiza said...

I empathize. I wrote an article for Associated Content entitled, "7 Rules for How NOT To Ski," located here (hope you don't mind if I share it) http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2296491/7_rules_for_how_not_to_ski.html?cat=41
Anyway, my daughter directed me to your blog. She reads it all the time. I think she's addicted to you.

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