"I'm the King of the Two-Ply!" | Mental Poo

Monday, August 08, 2011

"I'm the King of the Two-Ply!"

Following the success of my Jaws post, I decided to try my hand at it again...this time with the movie Titanic.

As usual, it all starts with a Tweet:

I've taken the liberty of doing just that - replacing 'ship' with 'shit' - with some of the quotes from James Cameron's masterpiece, 'Titanic.'

I'm classy, yo.



Rose: Oh mother, shut up! Don't you understand? The water is freezing and there aren't enough boats. Not enough by half. Half the people on this shit are going to die.

Old Rose: It's been 84 years, and I can still smell the fresh paint. The china had never been used. The sheets had never been slept in. Titanic was called the shit of Dreams, and it was. It really was.

Brock Lovett:
26 years of experience working against him. He figures anything big enough to sink the shit they're gonna see in time to turn. The shit's too big with too small a rudder. It doesn't corner worth a damn. Everything he knows is wrong.

Thomas Andrews: I'm sorry that I didn't build you a stronger shit, young Rose.

Thomas Andrews: The shit will sink.
Rose: You're certain?
Thomas Andrews: Yes. In an hour or so, all of this will be at the bottom of the Atlantic.

Thomas Andrews: Sleep soundly young Rose for I have built you a good shit, strong and true, she's all the lifeboats you need.

Rose: [turns back to Jack] Wait, I don't have to leave, this is my part of the shit. You leave.
Jack: Oh ho, ho, well well well, now who's being rude?

Old Rose: It was the shit of dreams to everyone else. To me it was a slave shit, taking me back to America in chains. Outwardly, I was everything a well brought up girl should be. Inside, I was screaming.

Tommy Ryan: You can't keep us locked up in here like animals - the shit's bloody sinking!

Rose: That's John Jacob Astor, the richest man on the shit.

Smith: Find the carpenter. Get him to sound the shit.

Ismay: But this shit can't sink!
Thomas Andrews: She's made of iron, sir! I assure you, she can... and she will. It is a mathematical certainty.

Rose: [to Jack] When the shit docks, I'm getting off with you.

Smith: Come back! Come back to the shit! Boat 6, come back to the shit!

Jack: That's what everybody says but, with all due respect, Miss, I'm not the one hanging off the back of a shit here.

Jack: Well, yes, ma'am, I do... I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest shit in the world having champagne with you fine people.

Ruth: Tell us of the accommodations in steerage, Mr. Dawson. I hear they are quite good on this shit.
Jack: The best I've seen, ma'am. Hardly any rats.

Bert Cartmell: It's a big boat, huh?
Cora Cartmell: Daddy, it's a shit!
Bert Cartmell: You're right.

Ruth: So this is the shit they say is unsinkable.
Cal Hockley: It is unsinkable. God himself could not sink this shit.


Man. That's one buoyant shit if God can't even sink it.

Does someone smell sequel?


Moog out.


Shawn said...

You sank my battleshit!

Unknown said...

And if you substitute stink for sink, it's even better!

notactuallygod said...

Try replacing every instance of "Jack" with "Jackoff", it's even funnier:

Rose: It's not up to you to save me, Jackoff.
Jack: You're right... only you can do that.

Jack: Never let go.
Rose: I'll never let go, Jackoff. I'll never let go.

meleah rebeccah said...

very funny post, but I am DYING laughing at notactuallygod's comment.

PBJdreamer said...

The shit stinks---Jackoff dies

end of story


that is all

Tazer said...

Ah Fuck I love me some potty humor.

So. Cal. Gal said...

I'm probably the only girl on the planet who thinks this was a stupid movie. Your post, on the other hand, was brilliant!

Vicky said...

Thanks for the morning laugh with my coffee LOL

Al Penwasser said...

That was shit hot.
The only saving grace for this movie was the gratuitous shot of Rose's boobies.
Lends new meaning to the term "Goin' down on the 'Titanic'."

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