We're Gonna Need a Bigger....Roll of TP | Mental Poo

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

We're Gonna Need a Bigger....Roll of TP

From Urban Dictionary:

*readers flee*

Don't worry, don't worry. This is not about me shitting my pants again.


I don't know why, but the other day an idea popped into my head which prompted this Tweet:

I kind of just made that up on the fly..

..but then other people on Twitter started quoting 'Jaws' using this method and, well, I guess I was right.

First for everything.

Just for you, my loyal readers, I've taken the liberty of redoing some of Jaws' best quotes substituting "shart" for "shark."



Quint: "This shart, swallow you whole."

Quint (telling the story of the USS Indianapolis): "You know, it was kinda like old squares in the battle like you see in the calendar named "The Battle of Waterloo" and the idea was: shart comes to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the shart go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shart he looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. And, you know, the thing about a shart... he's got lifeless eyes."

Hooper: "Hooper: Well, this is not a boat accident! And it wasn't any propeller; and it wasn't any coral reef; and it wasn't Jack the Ripper! It was a shart."

Brody: "Is it true that most people get attacked by sharts in three feet of water about ten feet from the beach?"

Hooper: "They caught A shart, not THE shart. Not the shart that killed Chrissie Watkins... and probably not the shart that killed the little boy... which I wanted to prove today, by cutting the shart open..."

Ellen Brody: "My husband tells me you're in sharts."

Quint: "What d'ya have there - a portable shower or a monkey cage?"
Hooper: "Anti-Shart cage."
Quint: "Anti-shart cage. You go inside the cage?"
[Hooper nods]
Quint: "Cage goes in the water. You go in the water. Shart's in the water. Our shart."

Brody: "That shart will rip that cage to pieces!"

Quint: "I'm not talkin' 'bout pleasure boatin' or day sailin'. I'm talkin' 'bout workin' for a livin'. I'm talkin' 'bout sharting!"

Brody: "Then why don't we have one more drink and go down and cut that shart open?"

Brody: "We're going to put on the extra- the extra summer deputies as quickly as possible, and then we're going to try and use, uh, shart-spotters on the beach."

Hooper: "All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharts."

Brody: "Larry, the summer is over. You're the mayor of "Shart City"."

Mayor Vaughn: "Martin, it's all psychological. You yell 'barracuda,' everybody says, "Huh? What?" You yell 'shart,' and we've got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July."

Did I miss any?

Enjoy your next viewing!

Moog out.


Lynn MacDonald said...

If there was doubt in my mind that you're certifiably insane, they're GONE!

That is all...what is it with men and farts?

notactuallygod said...

So, eleven hundred men went in the water; 316 men come out and the sharts took the rest...

Well, if we're looking for a shart we're not gonna find him on the land.

You knew there was a shart out there! You knew it was dangerous!

while he talks, Ellen flips through the book on sharts he has been reading, and sees an old painting of a shart ramming a hole into the bottom of rowboat's hull

Doctor, there is no need for me to come to Brisbane, when I have a great white shart right here!

-you're right Moog, the more you do it the funnier it gets.

Rita Templeton said...

This brings the Discovery Channel's "Shark Week" to a whole new level ...

jack mehoff said...

What were they like anyway? They look pretty good - are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What did you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? You motorboatin son of a bitch, you old sailor you!

Ireland said...

wow....I'm gonna have to go watch "Jaws" now.

Substituting in "shart" for "shark" in my head, obviously.

MrsBlogAlot said...

I smell a Shart clothing line.

Christina_the_wench said...

"When Sharts Attack"

It has possibilities...

Abby said...

Much easier to say than the formerly used "fart with a surprise."

Mike said...

When shart's in the water, you gotta watch out. That's the worst kind of shart.

Knight said...

I've never realized that the Jaws theme is the perfect lead up to a shart attack. You feel that gas coming on but will it stain? Da da...da da...da da da da da SHART!

Vinny C said...

I don't care how pointless they say it is. If I'm in the water and a shart comes near I will start poundin' and hollerin' and screamin'. It could save my life.

Chunky Mama said...

Brody: "That shart will rip that cage to pieces!"

I see you've met my husband?

Unknown said...

So the question is, did you sit up all night watching Jaws, capturing perfect quotes for this post, or have you just seen it that many times and have the durn thing memorized???

Moooooog35 said...

Jaws is my all-time favorite movie besides 'Braveheart' and anything with gratuitous side-boob so, yes, I've pretty much memorized every line in this thing and now I realize I should probably get a hobby.

A Vapid Blonde said...

I'm totally into anything that's anti shart.

Totally into it.

VEG said...

When will the Discovery Channel host "Shart Week" though...

Jen said...

I should probably look but has Fonzie jumped the shart yet?

Sandra said...

If I told you you are a comedic genius, would you still respect me in the morning?

meleah rebeccah said...

I'm with Mrsblogalot - you should TOTALLY start a "Shart" clothing line.

Ed said...

Leave it to you to bring out the poo.

Pat said...

I shart miss it!

Nicole Leigh Shaw said...

I can't pick a favorite. I ugly-laughed at all of them. I shart you not.

Stacey said...

Fact: More people are killed by sharts than El Poopacabra.

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