Thoughts from a XXX Store (Frosty the Snowman is one dirty mo-fo) | Mental Poo

Monday, September 12, 2011

Thoughts from a XXX Store (Frosty the Snowman is one dirty mo-fo)


DISCLAIMER:

The following post has dirty words in it like 'anal' and 'dick' and 'penis' and at least one instance of 'cock' so proceed with caution.

Although you've already read the last sentence so you might as just as well dig in.

**************

So my town has an "Adult" store that has been there for a while despite the fact that a lot of people protested it during the planning stages because they thought it would bring drugs and hookers and cheap used furniture into town.

Wait. That's Craigslist.

Never mind.

So I went in there the other day because as the saying goes: "Nothing spruces up your love life like a fresh set of nipple clamps."


Here are some things I thought about whilst perusing:

****************

1) Who the Hell uses THAT?!

2) The fact that the Ron Jeremy dildo, modeled after his own penis, actually has a picture of him smiling on the package leads me to believe that no one would ever ever buy it.


3) If I was to ever have a dildo modeled after my own penis, it would have to be sold in the 'bullet' section of the store.

4) I'm not sure why, but they sell little corn-cob pipes here.

5) Regarding #4, my new goal in life is to meet the guy who walks into an adult store and walks out with a corn-cob pipe.

6) Regading #5, I totally want to be that guy. I'm buying this frigging pipe.

7) Analogy:

Gay Porn movie boxes are to heterosexual men as the prospect of being covered in tarantulas is to arachnophobics

*flees that area of the store quickly*


8) What is the purpose of non-separating ankle cuffs? Ladies, if I wanted to keep your legs together, I'D MARRY YOU.

9) Some of these dildos are almost taller than me. I could actually climb some of these dildos for sport given the proper arch support in my sneakers.

10) "The Dildo Climbers" would be a great name for a rock band.

11) They sell 'Cherry Scented Anal Lube.'

That has to be a special kind of post-coital odor. Now instead of someone saying 'it smells like sex in here,' they'd say 'Jesus...it smells like someone shit out a pint of Cherry Garcia.'

Suddenly 'Froot Loops' has a WHOLE new meaning.


12) Based on the majority of these movie titles, guys will screw pretty much anything.

13) They sell a 'penis extender' which is basically a little prosthetic penis hat for your dick. It's kind of like a Russian nesting doll except it looks like a tiny fire hydrant you put on your penis so I guess it's nothing like that AT ALL.

On a related note, I want to be a fly on the wall when the decision to use that thing happens.

Guy: "Mmmm. How's that, baby?"

Girl: "Meh. You need, like, 3 inches more length and some girth. Go get the penis hat."



14) One way to turn your girlfriend off on the idea of a sex swing is to actually show her the box with the model using it. Just seems like she has to do a ton of work using all her strength for just 5 minutes of payoff.

15) They sell a bunch of novelty items here. On that note, I'm pretty sure the only time I'd ever turn down a piece of cake is if it was served to me looking like a cock.

Unless maybe it was "red velvet" flavored. Then I'd probably eat red velvet cock cake.

16) Guys, if you ever feel inadequate about your penis size, go into a store like this and look at all the fake ones that girls can choose from.

YOU WILL FEEL WAY WORSE.

17) Do penis pumps really work?

Asking for a friend.

*****************

Undecided on what to buy I started leaving the store empty handed but not before looking at the sales clerk:

Me: "Thank you."

Clerk: "Okay. Have a good one."

*pauses at door

Me: "I'll be back for one of those corn-cob pipes, though."

Clerk: "..."

Then I left.

I can probably buy most of this stuff cheaper on Craigslist.

33 comments:

Opto-Mom said...

My favorites are the dildos that are as big around as my leg, and are labeled "Real Man."

But the gimp/Hannibal Lecter masks are a close second.

Ryan said...

I've always been disturbed by the size of masturbatory aids for women (some call them dildos, I refer to them as torture devices). If a dick was supposed to be the size of a zucchini, then I'd be screwing kittens (on a related note: the humane society is quite friendly around here).

nikki said...

I've been kicked out of a porn store. True story, and much more boring than it sounds.

Also, I was going to make a Google Santorum joke about the cherry anal lube. But that just kind of writes itself, doesn't it?

TheNextMartha said...

I rarely laugh out loud and at the beginning with that picture? I was doubtful. ::shudders:: Well done.

Ed said...

Who are these women who buy the 3 ft long dildos?

Do they work themselves up to that?

When is it ever enough?

Whenever I see those in the store, I just pretend that's what my former lovers buy to replace my absence.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Why keep the cherry-scented lube for the anuses? Can't they be equal-opportunity orifice lubes?

Eva Gallant said...

I think I'm in love with the guy in the hair bra!

Ann said...

Ok...what did Frosty do? Was he there!?! What was he doing?!

What did Frosty the Snowman do to have YOU call HIM a pervert? Am I ever going to be able to look at him again?

Coffeypot said...

When you put one of those dick hats on, how do you hold it on? Super Glue? And any woman who can use that big a dildo would also be able to do deep knee bends over a fire hydrant.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Ow, my retinas! Ron Jeremy ... *shudder*

Christy said...

I'd really like to see a video of someone taping you going into that store to buy that pipe. And I mean, you have to walk into the store with PURPOSE, and then just buy the pipe. Or maybe the pipe + cherry lube.

Mandy_Fish said...

I'm resisting the urge to google "corn cob pipe" and "sexual fetish."

ClevelandPoet said...

the first time I went in an adult store was with my sister and my wife.

uhm why on earth did I agree to that?

oh yeah I didn't they just didn't even consult me.

also I think I'm going to call the local store and ask if they have corn-cob pipes

Moooooog35 said...

I have to tell you that I seriously contemplated taking a picture of the corn-cob pipe display thinking no one would believe me because - you know - CORN-COB PIPE DISPLAY...

..but the guy behind the counter looked like he would kill me or not care or not care that he killed me so I refrained.

I'm totally going back, though, and buying a pipe.

And this time I'm taking pictures.

Steve Bailey said...

You haven't ever really lived till you've done some "corn-cob piping".... that shit hurts a bit when lit but o my god the pure ecstasy!!!

The Wannabe Housewife said...

First off: a disclaimer warning about the usage of the word "cock" at least once in a post should not be a warning at all. In fact, it should entice readers to keep going because hello! Cock! It should be neon pink and possibly flashing/blinking in order to warrant more attention.

That being said, I will probably never be able to eat Fruit Loops again...

badlarry said...

Gay Porn movie boxes are to heterosexual men as the prospect of being covered in tarantulas is to arachnophobics

My first time in the porno section of the local video store sure made my buddy laugh.

I walked all along the back wall checking out videos to find something to rent for a bachelor party and I noticed as the number of women appearing on the boxes dwindled. I offhandedly mentioned this to my buddy and he told me, "Yeah, think about that genius."

It took me a moment to make the connection, and he said he never saw me move so fast before as I raced back to where the more "lady heavy" porno's were.

Jewels said...

You ever try to find little person porn? In a drunken stupor my sisters ex-fiance called (on speaker phone) a bunch of adult stores before we went driving thru the poconos and asked if they had midget porn. Apparently it is a hot seller and in a dead serious voice the clerk at several stores told us it "flies off the shelves" but that they could special order it for us. We were in tears as my sisters fiance a tall italian rough dude shyly told the clerk he wasn't a sick dude w/a fetish but that he was a little person and wanted to see little people like him getting it on. The thought of their tiny arms slapping ass...oh god...I was dying.

Anyway...sex shops are hilarious and great at the same time. I'm a big fan of them. Great for a laugh and a giant schlong.

So. Cal. Gal said...

I already know what Ron Jeremy looks like (don't ask) so I sped down the page. Thanks for the warning - coming (no pun intended) across that without warning would've scarred me for life.

Big Mama Cass said...

Going to a XXX store is WAY more fun through your eyes!!!! LMAO!!!

Handflapper said...

I lost it while imagining you scaling a giant penis like Mt Everest or something. And yes, penis pumps work. Don't ask me how I know.

Kev D. said...

I'd imagine that only a trained eye can tell the difference between the Ron Jeremy dildo and the corn cob pipe.

GeologyJoe said...

im gonna guess that 'The Dildo Climbers' is a chick band.

meleah rebeccah said...

These are all SOFA-KING funny! But, my favorite has to be:

"9) Some of these dildos are almost taller than me. I could actually climb some of these dildos for sport given the proper arch support in my sneakers."

I've never been inside an adult store, and after reading this, I am NEVER going to!

Shieldmaiden96 said...

We have one near us that has an Easter Blowout Sale every year.
Because nothing celebrates the Resurrection of Our Lord quite like a blowout sale in a cock shop.

Save me a seat in purgatory, won't you?

Laurie Dee said...

@Mel..seriously? Never, ever been to a sex shop? Wow, normally that would shut me up. in any case Moog, I am highly impressed with your proper use of hyphens with multiple compound adjectives. Way to go!

Laurie Dee said...

@Mel..seriously? Never, ever been to a sex shop? Wow, normally that would shut me up. in any case Moog, I am highly impressed with your proper use of hyphens with multiple compound adjectives. Way to go!

Laurie Dee said...

@Mel..seriously? Never, ever been to a sex shop? Wow, normally that would shut me up. in any case Moog, I am highly impressed with your proper use of hyphens with multiple compound adjectives. Way to go!

Isabella said...

True grit is making a decision and standing by it,doing what must be done.

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A Vapid Blonde said...

I bet the corn cob pipe looks exactly the same coming out as it did going in.

Whitney Soup said...

hahaha hat goes on dick

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

I was crying reading this, I was laughing so hard. I have a cold so as I was laughing I starting making this wheezing noise that sounds a bit like a bullmoose. That's how funny this post was.

I love your parting words to the clerk.

EllieM72 said...

Dang it, why didn't I heed your warning at the beginning of the post? Note to self: make another appt w therapist.

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