My take on the 2012 Republicans. Because if you can't make an informed decision, then you're just like me. | Mental Poo

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

My take on the 2012 Republicans. Because if you can't make an informed decision, then you're just like me.

Well, yesterday was the Presidential Primary in New Hampshire and as a good citizen I voted. I voted 12 times. Using assumed names. It's the American way.

But, yes, I did vote. Why? I think this Tweet sums it up nicely:


As a public service to all my readers for the upcoming election, I've decided to break down all the Republican candidates using a tried-and-true pros/cons function that, honestly, I wish was just an app for my iPod because this was kind of a pain in the ass.

You're welcome.

**************
Mitt Romney

Pros:
1) Great background in economics
2) My girlfriend thinks he's handsome
3) Mitt looks a lot like my cousin, Jim, who is a really nice guy. This also means that by the theorem post-hoc-ergo-propter-hoc that my girlfriend thinks my cousin is handsome and I should probably pay attention to the two of them at my next family reunion.
4) Seriously, Jim. I'm not above killing my own cousin. Keep your goddamn hands off my girlfriend.

Cons:
1) To function, Mitt requires hard-to-find 6-volt lantern batteries.
2) He's a Mormon and, seriously, have you read what they believe in? Kind of hard to want to vote for a nutcase who doesn't even drink.



**************
Ron Paul

Pros:
1) He was excellent in the role of Gandalf in the "Lord of the Rings" series.
2) He has some great ideas. Sadly, I don't know what any of them are.
3) My friend, Kristin, is like way over-the-top for Ron Paul and anyone who has the balls to go out in public like this may have a point, although I'm not sure what the point is other than "LOOK AT ME! I'M CERTIFIABLY INSANE.":


(please note that the name of the above photo is "kristin is batshit crazy.jpg")


Cons:
1) I predict 'broken hip' only 6 months into his first term, caused from turning to the side a little too quickly
2) Tax dollars will need to be spent to retrofit the White House with those motorized chairs that can go up and down stairs
3) No one wants to see any beach photos of this guy on his Presidential vacation
4) He attracts the kind of crazy followers who dress up head-to-toe in campaign signs and are, obviously, mentally challenged.


**************
Newt Gingrich

Pros:
1) Has a fuller head of white hair than Ron Paul
2) Not politically correct and will probably be the first President to tell Iran to seriously go fuck itself. I see this as a win.


Cons:
1) The guy's name is effing NEWT for Chrissakes
2) No one has actually liked this guy in, you know, ever.
3) The last person I knew named "Newt" was the little girl in "Aliens" which was a wicked good movie. Remember when Sigourney Weaver was kind of hot? Maybe in, like, Ghostbusters in the underwear scene and then she kind of went to shit.


**************
Rick Perry

Pros:
1) He is not named "Newt."

Cons:
1) They say 'everything is bigger in Texas.' Apparently, this saying also extends to morons.




**************
Jon Huntsman
Pros:
1) His daughters are smokeshows. Holy shitballs.

Cons:
1) His daughters aren't running for President.


**************
Rick Santorum

Pros:
1) You can almost sing his name to that Metallica song

Cons:
1) Appeals to the Evangelical crowd and, seriously, no one likes those people except maybe God. Maybe.
2) Every time I see him not in a suit, he's in a sweater vest. We can't vote for someone who wears sweater vests, people. Pretty sure that's in the Constitution.

******************

There you have it. My take on the Republican candidates for the 2012 Presidential nomination.

Take this information. Use it.

In the event of the Huntsman daughters, print it out. Laminate it. Maybe Photoshop yourself in it. The lamination is key here, really, because those babes must be protected.

God Bless the Huntsman girls.

God Bless America.

Moog out.

19 comments:

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

If I was an American, and a Republican-voting American, I'd probably vote Romney, because 'Mittens' is the best presidential nickname ever. (this coming from a woman who refers to her Prime Minister as 'Steve-O' - like the guy from Jackass.. see where I'm going with this?)

Harper --> Steve-O --> Jackass.

Eva Gallant said...

If Ron Paul is a moron, why are you posting his photo on your blog? I'm not disagreeing with you, just getting mixed messages.

Moooooog35 said...

Eva: I don't think I ever said Ron Paul was a moron. That distinction goes to Rick Perry.

And the ad on my sidebar? Someone PAID me for that ad.

Guess who. One hint: she likes to dress up in campaign posters.

Rebecca said...

I wanna vote for that one guy who wears a boot on his head. Have you heard his speech? It's a classic filled with lots of puns. Lots of puns=funny in my book. Can you imagine his inaugural speech? State of the Union and all those crazy speeches where people clap every fifteen seconds?! Well, now there will be a reason to clap. Funny stuff....Vermin Supreme!

Suniverse said...

I love to vote. I even vote in those off year, middle of August elections that garner a tiny percentage of the eligible voters.

Part of it is my love for those I VOTED stickers. Part of it is that smug feeling of superiority I get among the great unwashed.

Most of it, though, is because I want to tell people what to do, and this way, I sort of can.

Opto-Mom said...

Love your picture of Newt! Sometimes I think we need a president who will tell Iran to suck a nutsack instead of singing "Why can't we be friends" to them.

Also, I love the Huntsman daughters, and I'm not even a lesbian. They are gorgeous, but also funny, smart, and witty!

jack mehoff said...

i am soooo bumed you didnt photoshop a cock/double headed dildo in that last pic...

Mike said...

If I was American, I'd go for whoever Kristin was going for. Only because she shit herself in a car once. Awesome.

Anonymous said...

@Mike...LOL!!

Kristin

DogsOnDrugs.com said...

I will vote gladly vote Republican soon as they come up with a candidate who makes more sense than the Time Cube guy.

http://www.timecube.com/

Vicky said...

If I was American I would be so confused on who to vote for I probably wouldn't vote LOL. Give me Australian politics where the main runners are picked for you by their parties LOL

Kerredith said...

Mitt's hot.

lifeintheboomerlane said...

You need some kind of award for this post. I have none. Send this to someone who gives out awards.

Pamela said...

I don't generally vote Republican, but my husband's uncle might just get a cabinet seat if Mittens gets elected, and that would be pretty cool, even if he is a stodgy douchecanoe who ties his freaked-out, crapping itself dog to the roof of his car and also hates on the gays.

I feel like I should totally get a Run-On Sentence Award for that awesome bit of work.

Anonymous said...

Perry has my vote.
I won't vote for a mormon - if you smelllll what the LDS is cooking then I'm not voting for you.
Ron Paul - I like him minus his Israel policy.
Huntsman - Nah
Newt - I'd vote for him.

injaynesworld said...

This is just all kinds of genius!

meleah rebeccah said...

Damn, yo. The Huntsman girls, look like Charlies Angels.

jen said...

You say all these things like they are bad.

J. Bear Savo said...

The lantern battery joke was just too funny. Great post.

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