WARNING: THERE IS FACTUAL HISTORY CRAP IN THIS POST*
*I'm so so sorry
My girlfriend and I took my kids to the Boston Museum of Science to see an exhibit called "A Day in Pompeii" which is basically a bunch of artifacts excavated from the famous city that sat at the base of Mount Vesuvius (which loosely translates to "A Mountain named Vesuvius" - you're welcome).
Had Vesuvius not actually been a giant volcano then the location of this city wouldn't have been a problem but - no shit - it WAS a giant volcano and pretty much buried the city in 12 feet of ash and stuff, killing all 25,000 inhabitants in the process when it blew it's proverbial load in 79 A.D (in this case "A.D" means "Aw, DAMN the volcano just exploded and killed us all. Who wants tacos?")
This, people, is why you don't live near a goddamn volcano ON PURPOSE.
Regardless, it was a large and rather somber exhibit.
For most people.
You see, neither I or my kids or - sadly, now - my girlfriend can actually take anything seriously at all even if it's about 25,000 people frying BECAUSE THEY LIVED RIGHT NEXT TO A FRIGGING VOLCANO...SERIOUSLY?! so it was basically us just goofing around amongst a whole bunch of historians/somber people/somber historians and getting some shitty looks in general.
Making Your Children Partake in your Terrible Sense of Humor:
With my kids in tow, we wandered around the exhibit and of course they're getting a little bored because I'm not sure how many old pots you can look at and still be excited so instead I had them pose like this:
I call it "The White Man Group."
What's interesting is the reactions you get from people who look like you have two heads because you're saying, "NO! Crouch lower. More left. There. Perfect," or "Dude. SPOT ON imitation of Bacchus. HAHAHAHAHA!" in, you know, a pretty somber setting.
People are weird.
The worst looks I got was when we saw the remains of a pig but the pig had only three intact legs and the fourth was this tiny little peg-leg of a thing which led to this exchange:
While I was at the tail end of my pirate pig impression with my son dying laughing I looked up and caught the evil glare of some guy walking through the exhibit who was obviously displeased with my pirate pig antics.
Probably squinting my eye pretending I had a patch over it and limping a bit whilst doing the 'argh oink' didn't help my cause all that much.
Of course, when I got home I immediately put the pictures up on my Facebook page.
But, you know..what's a picture without a caption?
The biscuit one is my favorite.
Of course, no photographs of tragic historical events is complete without going to work the next week and, you know, making the pictures you took into greeting cards and shit.
The first one is from a guy who died in Pompeii while still in shackles. They assume he was a prisoner left to die:
I, of course, assumed otherwise and immediately made a wedding invitation out of it:
That, seriously, makes SO much sense.
What else could we use this tragic event to announce?
And no natural disaster of epic proportions is complete without trying to get some business out of it, right?
Seriously. This guy probably could have used Brenda Smith's sage advice with her experience in finding homes not immediately adjacent to a friggin volcano and would have probably purchased a nice home somewhere else and survived another day - only to be plundered by a shipload of pirate pigs later on.
Make a Grand Exit
Of course on the way out we were walking down the hallway past the people walking in and I found this an excellent time to make up a song. These are the lyrics I sang to the best of my failing memory.
Please sing this to the tune of "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton:
A pyroclastic flow!
We got to go..
Pumice in the sky!
We gonna die..
We should fly.
If history has taught me anything, I'm actually not sure what that would be but it certainly doesn't have anything to do with being serious.