I saw a "Day in Pompeii" and all I got was some really filthy looks in the museum | Mental Poo

Monday, February 06, 2012

I saw a "Day in Pompeii" and all I got was some really filthy looks in the museum


WARNING: THERE IS FACTUAL HISTORY CRAP IN THIS POST*

*I'm so so sorry

My girlfriend and I took my kids to the Boston Museum of Science to see an exhibit called "A Day in Pompeii" which is basically a bunch of artifacts excavated from the famous city that sat at the base of Mount Vesuvius (which loosely translates to "A Mountain named Vesuvius" - you're welcome).

Had Vesuvius not actually been a giant volcano then the location of this city wouldn't have been a problem but - no shit - it WAS a giant volcano and pretty much buried the city in 12 feet of ash and stuff, killing all 25,000 inhabitants in the process when it blew it's proverbial load in 79 A.D (in this case "A.D" means "Aw, DAMN the volcano just exploded and killed us all. Who wants tacos?")

This, people, is why you don't live near a goddamn volcano ON PURPOSE.


Regardless, it was a large and rather somber exhibit.

For most people.

You see, neither I or my kids or - sadly, now - my girlfriend can actually take anything seriously at all even if it's about 25,000 people frying BECAUSE THEY LIVED RIGHT NEXT TO A FRIGGING VOLCANO...SERIOUSLY?! so it was basically us just goofing around amongst a whole bunch of historians/somber people/somber historians and getting some shitty looks in general.

Some examples...

Making Your Children Partake in your Terrible Sense of Humor:

With my kids in tow, we wandered around the exhibit and of course they're getting a little bored because I'm not sure how many old pots you can look at and still be excited so instead I had them pose like this:


I call it "The White Man Group."

What's interesting is the reactions you get from people who look like you have two heads because you're saying, "NO! Crouch lower. More left. There. Perfect," or "Dude. SPOT ON imitation of Bacchus. HAHAHAHAHA!" in, you know, a pretty somber setting.

People are weird.

General silliness:

The worst looks I got was when we saw the remains of a pig but the pig had only three intact legs and the fourth was this tiny little peg-leg of a thing which led to this exchange:


While I was at the tail end of my pirate pig impression with my son dying laughing I looked up and caught the evil glare of some guy walking through the exhibit who was obviously displeased with my pirate pig antics.

Probably squinting my eye pretending I had a patch over it and limping a bit whilst doing the 'argh oink' didn't help my cause all that much.

Of course, when I got home I immediately put the pictures up on my Facebook page.

But, you know..what's a picture without a caption?






The biscuit one is my favorite.

Of course, no photographs of tragic historical events is complete without going to work the next week and, you know, making the pictures you took into greeting cards and shit.

The first one is from a guy who died in Pompeii while still in shackles. They assume he was a prisoner left to die:


I, of course, assumed otherwise and immediately made a wedding invitation out of it:


That, seriously, makes SO much sense.

What else could we use this tragic event to announce?

I KNOW!



And no natural disaster of epic proportions is complete without trying to get some business out of it, right?


Seriously. This guy probably could have used Brenda Smith's sage advice with her experience in finding homes not immediately adjacent to a friggin volcano and would have probably purchased a nice home somewhere else and survived another day - only to be plundered by a shipload of pirate pigs later on.

Make a Grand Exit

Of course on the way out we were walking down the hallway past the people walking in and I found this an excellent time to make up a song. These are the lyrics I sang to the best of my failing memory.

Please sing this to the tune of "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton:

A pyroclastic flow!
Oh no,
We got to go..
Pompeii.

Pumice in the sky!
Looks like
We gonna die..
Pompeii.


(chorus)
Burning sky
We should fly.
Gonna fryyyyyyy.

Pompeii.


*standing ovation

If history has taught me anything, I'm actually not sure what that would be but it certainly doesn't have anything to do with being serious.

You're welcome.

Pompeii.

13 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

The song is the best. Well done, dude.

Miley said...

I am stifling laughter at work. And I snorted a few times. I saw some of the pics on your facebook but now... NOW I GET IT!
I would like another biscuit as well.

Here's my thought. What if all those people of Pompei weren't living there by that damn volcano ON PURPOSE? Yes, they lived there. That seems purposeful. I've decided it was more of a plot to remove them from society by the other people. Like that pig? Totally missing his leg because he was a leper. Just like the rest of them. It was a leper colony. So, they had to live by the volcano. Everyone else made them go away.

And here we are (we being everyone EXCEPT you and me) feeling all sorry for them and shit. THEY WERE LEPERS. They were probably happy to die, instead of living a miserable life.

Jennifer said...

My son has a field trip to the MOS tomorrow to see the very same Pompeii exhibit. I'm going to show him the pirate pig photo so he's prepared :)

You totally made my Monday

Sarah Smith-Frigerio said...

Okay, first off, the pirate pig is pure genius. Anyone who doesn't laugh at that needs to pull their peg leg out of their ass.

Second, it's creepy that you even know Anderson, MO exists. My worlds are colliding.

Bobbi said...

I've never been kicked out of a museum before but I'd like my first time to be with you.

Lou said...

I grew up in Seattle, which has a number of volcanoes in its proximity. People always asked me, "Why would you live near a volcano?"

My best answer is "Why do people live where there are hurricanes?" Hurricanes occur multiple times per year. Volcanoes erupt once MAYBE every 100 years, probably less. But the people in the Southeast think Seattle-ites are the crazy ones.

Knight said...

I'm totally going to steal these if I ever get hitched or plan a family reunion. Nothing could be more appropriate.

Mike said...

Please find the nearest exhibit of the peat bog mummies.

That is all.

And thanks in advance.

Simone Says... said...

why would anyone want to see this exhibit?

meleah rebeccah said...

"The White Man Group." = Awesome.


As always your captions are PURE comedy. Thanks for making me laugh!!!

Collette said...

That is the only way to see a museum exhibit! We have one here now in Detroit called "The Faces of Jesus". I bet we could piss off a lot of people at that one...lol!
As for the family reunion one, sometimes they SHOULD end like that . Thanks for the laugh!

Eva Gallant said...

The day is coming when your kids are going to be embarrassed to be seen with you in public! lol Until then, enjoy!

robyn said...

Great song! Our family does that kind of stuff too, but we make a contest out of it to see who can keep from laughing. The best part is that strangers don't know we're goofing off because we're all being so serious; they just think we're crazy.

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