Things I Would Rather Do Than Eat Light Mayonnaise | Mental Poo

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Things I Would Rather Do Than Eat Light Mayonnaise


I like mayonnaise.

Please note that this is not a euphemism for what you think it is because I'm totally not into the gay thing unless it's maybe Mike Rowe from "Dirty Jobs" because there's just something about that guy.

I've digressed.

Being a single dad I figured I'd try to spruce up my already spectacular physique by purchasing "Light Reduced Calorie Mayonnaise" at the grocery store and save myself a few calories.

NOTE: If you like regular mayo, light reduced-calorie mayo is a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE IDEA.

terrible mayo
But I've spent, like, $2 on this shit so I can't just throw it out and say goodbye to a week's salary so now I'm struggling through the jar one disgusting sandwich at a time, but would much rather be doing anything else.


Please note that #8 originally said "Be Ron Jeremy's personal fluffer" but after much consideration I felt there was way too much gay in this post already.

There's probably more, but right now Dirty Jobs is on.

They should make him eat light mayo.

27 comments:

Silver said...

Mike Rowe isn't going to switch teams for a fatty. suck it up.

...wait

A Vapid Blonde said...

Being Lilo's AA sponsor could be one hell of a party.Think of all the crotch shots and drugs you could get.

Deb Thaxton said...

-->Mike Rowe already wants me to have his babies. He doesn't like light, obviously.

Ed said...

The worst part is that you evidently have knowledge of whether Schneider's movie "career" can fill a 24 hr period.

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

Re: Item Number Six.

Who WOULDN'T want to do that??

Brett Minor said...

While I appreciate the humor, would you like me to send you $2 so you can quit eating that stuff.

Haven said...

I don't like Mayo at all. I'm more of a Miracle Whip kind of girl.

Paige said...

you get me.

Rebecca said...

Yeah that dude is hot.........the Dirty Jobs guy.

Trucking Tumbleweed said...

I agree 100%. Mike Rowe is hot.

jack mehoff said...

@ Yandie, Goddess of Pickles.: i was thinkin the same exact thing

no i wanna watch biodome...

Christina_the_wench said...

I'll double your $2.00 if you make Bieber cry then you can buy some Kraft or something.

Moooooog35 said...

OMG I LOVE MIRACLE WHIP.

Sorry..I saw Haven's comment and it sent me on a whirlwind tangent that was only 5 words long.

Red said...

I'm part of the Miracle Whip crowd...and can I follow you through airport security? I'll keep all the avocados after they confiscate them and make some guacamole. ...guac trumps any kind of mayo!

Patty Purviss said...

Then you have no business experimenting with mayo, and I am totally going to do #9 today.

Miss Yvonne said...

Oh. My. God. Mike. Rowe.

Talk about a bread moistener. Rawr.

Michael said...

If you're switching teams for Mike Rowe GO FOR IT! He's a total man's man.

And the I <3 anal one? I'd pay to see this.

robrubin said...

Despite my total disgust for mayo, I'd drink a gallon of it before I checked John Goodman for a hernia.


Rob - The Mainland

Simone Says... said...

throw that shit out. life's too short. especially if you have unprotected sex with courtney love. and does lindsay have a sponsor or a "sponsor"?

Vicky said...

Add some mustard to the skinny mayo, makes it heaps better!

ginia said...

This list is like the worst scavenger hunt ever. :)

I can't even tell you what's in it, but there is "mayo" for people who can't eat eggs or soy. It's more than $2. Thinking of trying it? Just don't.

Eva Gallant said...

Try Light Hellman's; it's much better than Cain's.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Took me a minute. Avocados look like hand grenades. I get it.

NellieVaughn said...

I've thought about having unprotected sex with Courtney Love while eating light mayonaise before. I was trying to make myself vomit.

NellieVaughn said...

My mayonnaise was so light, it didn't need that extra 'n'.

Carey said...

You have me laughing so hard, I feel a little sick. #7 = brilliant!

meleah rebeccah said...

HILARIOUS [as always]!!

My favorites are 5, 8 & 12. Too funny.

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