"I'm sorry. Your call has been disconnected because you just about friggin killed a guy"

The following is a true story and happened when I went to pick up my daughter from a field trip.

NOTE:
If your daughter is 11 and has her own cell phone and you tell her to 'let me know when the bus is almost at the school so I can meet you there' you will get 14,568 texts like the following:

"We r almost there. we are at the tolls." (32 miles away from home)
"we r in Londonderry"
"20 mins left to go."
"see you soooon. lololol"
"still on highway"
"I have a window seat"
"we r in town near the mall"
"how's cam?"

Ugh.

Regardless, I put my son in the car and started driving to her school to pick her up.

It was on or around this time that my girlfriend, Kerri, texted me that she was being berated by her ex via text messages herself.

I don't know if he was on a field trip or not.


So, I called her and asked what was up and what did he have to say?

Kerri: "Do you have time to listen to this? It's long. Lots of long text messages."

Me: "Sure."

At this time I was parked in the parking lot, and Kerri began reading the 6,000 or so texts to me by holding her Blackberry in front of her.

And that's when Payton's bus pulled in, everyone bailed out and Payton got into the car.

I could still hear Kerri reading and reading but at this time I had stopped paying attention because my daughter had hopped in with "HI!" and "OMG WE HAD THE BEST FIELD TRIP" and blah blah blah other crap that girls say but it was obvious that I couldn't do two things at once.

I needed to stop Kerri from reading text after text after text from her ex-husband.

Me: "Kerri."

Kerri kept on reading.

Me: "KERRI."

Still reading. With the Blackberry in front of her, she couldn't hear me.


Me: "KERRI! KERRI! HELLOOOOO?!?! KEERRRRRIIII!"

I put my car into reverse, still yelling into the phone, and started to back up.

I had just started rapidly backing out when I suddenly heard a..

THUD.

..what the...?

"JESUS CHRIST!!!!"

The "JESUS CHRIST!" wasn't from me. No. Instead it was being yelled by the guy standing behind me who I just BACKED MY CAR INTO and was now hobbling around in the school parking lot holding his leg.

"JESUS! JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE FUCK?"


Ohfuck.

I hung the phone up, with Kerri STILL reading her texts but, you know, I JUST HIT A MAN WITH MY CAR.

Me: "Holy shit. Dude, are you alright?"

Guy: "GODDAMN. Ow. Yeah. Yeah I'm alright. My fault, I just walked out from behind that truck. I'll be okay."

See? Shit like that amazes me.

Me? I would have ripped the driver's door off, pulled him out by his hair and beat him with his own shoe.

Me: "You sure? OMG I feel terrible. I'm so sorry."

The man limped off still holding his leg and swearing.

Bzzzzzzzz.

Text message.

It was from Kerri.

Text: "WTF. Did you just hang up on me?!"

Um. Yeah. Yeah I did.

I called her.

Kerri: "Did you seriously just hang up on me?"

Me: "Yeah. But mainly because I just hit a guy with my car and almost killed him. Sorry."

Kerri: "Oh."

The moral of the story: "The next time you hang up on your girlfriend make sure you have a good excuse like 'I just ran over someone with an automobile' and things will all work out in the end."

Or "don't drive when distracted."

One of those two.