You know you all want to do this, too. | Mental Poo

Monday, June 25, 2012

You know you all want to do this, too.

My boss got a new boss which makes him, I guess, SuperBoss which sounds - quite honestly - like the worst. Superhero. Ever.

Regardless, SuperBoss set up one-on-one interviews with all of us which kind of sucked because he wanted to do them during work hours and in person and, well, this blog doesn't write itself in my spare time, people.

Of course the guy asks the standard ridiculous questions that all bosses ask during stupid shit like this and all I could do was give him the standard 'canned answers,' but - in my mind I was crafting all my answers like I'd won the lottery and didn't give a shit.

Question #1: What have been your biggest challenges here?

Canned answer: My biggest challenge has been trying to keep up with our changing technology and remaining current so I can continue to bring value to the company and my department.

Lottery answer: My biggest challenge has been consistently fooling my boss into thinking I'm here at 7 am and staying til 5 pm when the reality is that I'm here at 8:30 and sneaking right the fuck out at 3:00. This is trickier than you think because I have to go by his desk to get out. The REAL key is to send emails about irrelevant shit at all hours of the day to make you look like you're a workaholic. Sure, it's challenging..but worth it when you have stuff you'd rather be doing that coming to this shithole day after day. You're welcome.

Alternate lottery answer: Finding good hiding places.

*gets up and crouches behind floor plant*

Question #2: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Canned answer:
I would like to have more of a leadership role in the group. Specifically, I can see myself in management if given the right opportunities.

Lottery answer: In five years I'd like to be sitting in your chair, living in your house, driving your Mercedes, raising your children as my own and banging the bejeesus out of your widow.

Alternate lottery answer: Head of the class at Ninja school.

Question #3: What kind of leadership do you expect out of your manager? Does it meet your expectations?

Canned answer: I'm a person who is, for the most part, self-sufficient. Micro-management does more harm than good, I think. And I think my manager keeps an excellent balance between letting us do our own thing, and guiding us where we need to go.

Lottery answer: Listen. My boss doesn't do SHIT. This is awesome for me because he barely knows I'm here and, in most cases, has no fucking clue what I'm doing. I'm not sure he even knows my name. Also, I took four shits today. FOUR. Some of it I actually FORCED just to kill time. I'm pretty sure my boss thought I was actually working but in reality I was trying to get past level 3-12 on Angry Birds. This is exactly how I like it and if you try to ruin that for me by firing him or anything, I will kill you and live in your house and drive your car and screw your widow. I think we've already gone over that scenario.

Alternate lottery answer: *masturbates on desk*


My 1-on-1 was over in, like, 15 minutes but another girl here had a 1-on-1 for FORTY FIVE minutes but we all assume it's just because she has ridiculously massive boobs.

I should have worked that into my 'five year' plan somehow.

Maybe next time. I'm off to buy a lottery ticket.


Stacey said...

If you win the lottery, I fully expect you to do all the Alternate Lottery Answers. Even if it's only the kind of winning where you just get a free ticket.

Unknown said...

Dude another great lottery answer is running COCK university. How could you not?

ClevelandPoet said...

if you had just masturbated on the desk from the start you could have cut the 1 on 1 down from 15 minutes.

Tami Von Zalez said...

Lurvs it! We want more lottery answers!!!!

Unknown said...

You always make me wish I was still working; well, almost.

meleah rebeccah said...

Your lottery answers made my day! Holy hilarious. Thank you for cracking me the hell up.

Unknown said...

Pictures of boob girl, please.

Anonymous said...

This is your boss. I am dating Nellie, and she has allowed me use her blog to communicate with you.
You are fired!

Leauxra said...

I got an invite to complete a survey for my "manager". It was misdirected, and was meant for someone else (allegedly).

"I haven't met you, so you are doing a GREAT job. I love the trust that you have in me, working in another state, to never check up on me, and to simply assume I am doing a good job."

Why won't these people fire me?

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