Try It At Home, Kids: The Shittier Side of Greetings

Short one today.

Like I have a choice.

DAMN YOU, GENETICS!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!

My feet are small. Sometimes I buy kids shoes.

I think I've said too much.

Not sure why I was thinking about this, but I thought I'd write down a couple of things that I do or say on a pretty regular basis...

...for NO OTHER REASON than to annoy or confuse the shit out of people.

It's what I do.

Ask my ex-wife.


Here we go:

The Awkward Salutation

I believe this only works for men.

The other day I walked into the men's room because I had to pee.

For once, it wasn't the usual "stand in the corner and masturbate" session.

(Helpful tip: if you wear your hat sideways and drool a little while singing the Oscar Mayer "My Bologna Has a First Name" song, Human Resources doesn't even question you)

So I walked into the men's room, and a guy I work with, Tom, was standing there at the urinal pissing.

I took the urinal next to him.

Then, not to be rude and ignore him, I said:

"Hey, Tom....Whatcha got there?"

Yep.

Whatcha got there.

*cricket

Tom laughed.

The guy standing next to him didn't.

HR has no sense of humor.


You can also use this when you see someone exiting the bathroom.

For example:

I'm about to walk into the bathroom, and I see Tom open the door and walk out.

It's then that I throw this little gem:

Me: "Hey Tom...everything come out okay?"

Does Tom say 'yes?'

Does Tom say 'no?'

Does Tom just avert his gaze and walk away...walk away as fast as he can and never ever look back?

It's usually the latter.

Go ahead kids:

Try it at home.